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6/20/2019 c192 RosyMiranto18
Okay… sighs… *checking my checklist* I surprisingly have a lot of things to do for the next few days, so I guess let’s just get through it, right?
But oh yeah… I forgot about this. Time to Slash the Demon: youtu . be/AsehZ7J5kms

1a. So… what kind of traps and enemies you have encounter inside of the temple so far?
b. If they are really waiting for you to make a move first, then it means that they might prepare ambushes in anticipation. Now I’m worried.
c. I guess Kei also kept quite because he doesn’t understand as much as this.
2a. My guess on the number of floors, is 4 (Death Number), 13 (Unlucky Number), or 66 (Demon Number or Order 66)
b. Honest, is there any tier levels of Shadow Realms like the Hell or Heaven?
c. Uh-uh, let me guess, Wes, are you transforming into a Half-Pelican or something later?
d. Well, at least they’re trying to be smarter this time. *shrugs*
e. Actually, what was the most unfair fight you had in this story, so far, Dylan?
f. “Pride comes before the fall”… you know that this sentence could be applied to you too, right Bertolt the Not Colossal Titan?
3a. Maybe you could try to continuously focusing to hit the same spot, but honestly, these hordes of Shadows is going to be as annoying as the Bad-Ending inducing Demon Tide in KH3.
b. So… are you fighting those Shadows or are you just guarding Rise, Stephen?
c. Uh… so who is this Prior Engagement, Dylan, other than Mitsuo, of course? Is it your mother?
4a. You know, I know it will be Dylan who do it, but it will be poetic justice if it’s Yukiko who fights Mitsuo one on one. I will be pleased to see her exorcising this pest of a menace.
b. Well, at least it’s a good thing that these Shadows isn’t as bad as Demon Tide, but… why don’t all of you spam all area spell like Magarudyne, Agneyastra, etc?
c. But Teddie got a point, defeating those three may be the key to stop the horde.
d. And so you have Nuclear and Psy, Kei, I see… glad to see use those elements.
e. Auw… poor Dylan, not getting the fun. So why didn’t you join again?
f. Ah… so it’s the Limelight tine for the Three Stooges then. Good luck, Travis, Zack, Eddie!

Well, I guess that’s all for now. There’s plenty to do for me from here on out. I can understand the difficulty to juggle between this many characters, hence why so many Authors prefer to limit the number of characters in one scene, but I’m curious what kind of job you have now. Though by your words that the next chapter’s fight immediately followed by another, I bet Mitsuo’s getting really impatient and come interrupt everything during or right after Wes, Anatoly, and Bertolt are defeated.
Considering how big it is, it makes sense that this is your Magnum Opus that is most read and reviewed. But is this the 5th anniversary of LNWU? *pause* No, it was a month ago. Okay, I guess that’s all for now. See you later and Keep Update!
4/25/2019 c191 RosyMiranto18
Sighs… and another plan for homework potentially ruined. I’m so done with this. Sorry for the rant earlier, please just ignore that. So I guess the next chapters will be the climax of this Arc, okay. Anyway, if those cut contents aren’t going to be included in the next chapters, could you please tell me what they are now. Well, let’s get into the review now, shall we?

BGM: Dynasty Warriors 5 – The bringer of War
1a. Wow, Teddie, since when did you get that Sawed-off Shotgun? This is the first time I saw you with it.
b. Or maybe the Shadows are defeated and the rest are retreated or got Thanos’ed after Darnell, Clyde, and Geronimo are defeated.
2a. Oh, welcome back to the story, Brianna. I expected that the Crimson/Scarlet Room sent you as their representative like Shou, or is it entirely on your own actions?
b. Hm… you got a point. Temple of Calamity may only override the Twisted Shopping District at the moment, but I bet it will encroach the entire Mayonaka if they are left on their own devices.
c. So what happened if Brianna didn’t have any weapon or Persona other then she lacked any means to defend herself?
d. Wait, so in this case, there’s a possibility that Brianna could go helping the Omega Franchise instead? Oh crap. Then again, she’s a Wild Card (in allegiance), so…
3a. Wait… oh yeah, the original Invoker was made by Ikutsuki, sorry about that. *facepalm*
b. Psst, you know, I imagine if Brianna have her own car, I’m guessing it to be a Mercedes-Benz SLK 55 AMG, specifically the 2012 R172 Series. The reason why? Because her Persona, Schwartzer Leon Kaiser could be shortened into SLK too.
c. Ah… Hakumen’s Vocal Theme. Okay, got it.
d. Yeah, they’re idiot for letting themselves think that all Oomagatsu gave to them is more than enough while it’s clearly not.
e. Meh, those Shadows are nothing but Dynasty Warriors Mooks to be slaughtered at this point. Also, nice Iai technique you made, Brianna, if it’s correct.
4a. I guess the cut content are all of those insignificant Omega Franchise the SoT mow through, isn’t it?
b. Yeah… I think everyone but Shou seems to agree that Brianna is trustworthy enough.
5a. Sho… how did you get familiar with Preston, Shou?
b. Oh… so some people need Invoker to transform, okay.
c. Dual wielding knives, eh?
d. So Preston specializes in poison-based combat then… I see…
e. I guess there’s no Point of Return until it’s finished then, if the gate really is locked from the outside possibly by Oomagatsu.

Nah, don’t worry about your business, I can wait any time for that. But if it’s possible, can I ask these non-LNWU projects you’re talking about? Last words, what do you think about the information about Persona 5 Royal and Persona 5 Scramble so far? Also, I remembered that you’re wondering about Theodora who is mentioned in the latest chapter of IDBH, I can answer some of it in the PM if you want to. Just don’t expect too much because a lot of her are quite a spoiler in the Sequel.
Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. Better start hitting those Homework too, see you later and Keep Update!
4/16/2019 c176 2afterados
Good: Good start with Kotone creating the Dark Hour! And I love the time limit here - it makes sense for there to be a time limit in accordance with the Dark Hour, and the existence of a time limit adds some great pressure to the protagonists and their teams.
Kotone and Zane fight is appropriately intense! You can feel how much these two despise each other. And the general “final showdown” feel to their fight is wonderfully awesome - I can see their personas clashing while they battle it out beneath, and it’s freaking cool! And nice segue at the end of this section - “for the good of the world.” Nicely summarizes why the SoT need to keep moving - to stop Kotone, and save the world.
Ok, Zane getting killed by Kotone so simply seems a bit silly… BUT that is overshadowed by Kotone combining Demogorgon and Demiurge. I would’ve liked an explanation as to how or why that’s possible, but what an AWESOME idea!

Improvements: Why didn’t Zane just kill Kotone before he activated the device? If he was right there, and he plans on killing Kotone anyways, why not just off him now?
There are a few awkward phrases - e.g. the one paragraph where you describe how SoT and ShadowOps are moving through the Tower of Hatred could be summarized just by saying “the Seekers of Truth pressed on ahead, while the Shadow Operatives remained as a rear guard close behind.” That gets to the point much quicker.
Uh, Mina’s fighting…? That seems… very odd… And I think it deserves more of an explanation aside from just “Mina was able to fight, despite her pregnancy.” Like, is everyone just going along with this?
Also, should Dylan know that Zane went ahead? He didn’t see Zane, and Zane didn’t tell him. Plus, shouldn’t the fact that someone else is trying to kill Kotone be reassuring? After all, they’re trying to do the same thing!
Also - for the fight scenes, I’m thinking less dialogue and more details on the fight itself would be good. As it stands now, I know exactly what everyone said in the fight… but I have less of an idea what else was going on! I think more focus could be made on describing what is happening in the fight. (You’re good about this in some one v one battles, where you go into super graphic detail, but more details for the wider-scale fights would be good.)
Kotone and Zane’s showdown also needs more details on the fight and less dialogue... but there /are/ more details on this fight, which is great! In my opinion, the banter feels slightly forced - the duo’s hatred for each other definitely comes across, but it’s very odd that Kotone quotes Oliver Twist? Although Zane’s comeback about how it’s not funny that Kotone’s basically invulnerable is good.
Back to the SoT and ShadowOps - like I said above, I don’t think you need to show everyone talking. I absolutely like that you’re giving everyone a chance to show their character, but when you have so many, it goes on too long, and it doesn’t feel like natural conversation - just feels like everyone is in a line waiting for their chance to speak, if that makes sense? Making the conversation flow more naturally (like just showing a couple characters talking instead of them all) would resolve these issues.
I’d like more of a description of the “egg” that forms around Demogorgon and Demiurge doesn't make much sense to me - like, describing more specifically what “a ball of light and darkness” looks like, or what pure energy looks like. Or sound like, or smell like… I would love to see more details on this transformation, to see what it looks like in your head. (For instance, I think I’ve said this before, but you go into so much awesome detail when describing Yaldabaoth - and for character descriptions in general. I’d love to see that level of detail in your other descriptions!)
About Rise - could she not communicate telepathically with everyone earlier? It seems she relays commands telepathically all the time - that’s what I understood from canon, and I feel like she’s done that here before too. (Also, I think more of an explanation as to how Rise can suddenly increase her power would be good.)
The language in the Kotone v. SoT battle here feels a bit too matter-of-fact - as in, it doesn’t feel exciting. (This is related to my “more fight details” comment earlier.)
And then - Yaldabaoth suddenly doesn’t have to hold his power back any more? Why did he have to, and what changed? And then Kotone “cackling maniacally?” That… that’s just “evil villain 101” stuff! I know you can get more creative than that.
3/11/2019 c190 RosyMiranto18
Wait, what? Ehm, I was expecting something else today, but I got a surprise appearance of LNWU. Oh well, if we have to go double, so be it. Be glad that one college lesson is delayed for tomorrow which means I have time to deal with SoR in case if things gone sour. Anyway, let’s move on to the review now. But since this is the second chapter of this, please play Wall of Fate from Dynasty Warriors 4 here: youtu . be/X82iF7jczxg

1a. I was expecting Stephen and Kei’s limelight on this Arc is going to be later than dealing with those three, but oh well…
b. Yeah, who knows how bad it is if there’s anyone here with Coulrophobia among the SoT. Although, have any of you tried to destroy the clown car first to not let it spawn more Shadows.
c. And Travis will have his limelight with the clown cars. How did it get here in Mayonaka anyway? I know it’s Shadows, but still.
d. Well, Rise, as long as you don’t make any bear puns out of it. I think you’re good.
2a. Oh great, how many percent of the Omega Franchise here owning an Invoker actually?
b. And don’t worry about not knowing it, Kei. I know you never heard of Shadow Operatives at any time.
c. Well, what is this mean. Does that mean Invoker will turn someone into their Shadow Self’s berserker is they are Omega Franchise while it will turn Persona users into their own Persona like those people at Digital Devil Saga?
d. So Kei’s accustomed to horror then. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing.
e. Also, speaking of which, I’m still curious how the hell Kei got his Persona.
3a. Wait, what? Chironup, can I ask you where did you put/use that sword and Jitte?
b. Yeah, I think you’re indeed just a normal boy before this arc happens, isn’t it?
c. A Decent Challenge? Now you’re talking like Lu Bu, Darnell.
d. I know I shouldn’t ask how could Darnell use Agidyne when he’s not a Persona User, but I get he’s already a Shadow at this point, isn’t it?
e. And let me guess, did you Null Fire, Kei?
f. Well, Foxes are known as trickster in all Eastern culture, and a Westerner like you Darnell didn’t understand that part much.
g. Chiro. Cute nickname, but I still prefer Chironup.
h. Well, it’s either you really understood Kei, Darell, or maybe Kei is not as normal/human as I think.
4a. Ah, a Flail. So you’re Cao Ren then, Clyde? Or is it Dian Wei in DW6?
b. Yeah, Stephen, you can’t expect them to play fair, really.
c. Easy Way Out, eh? Isn’t that bad for their K/D Ratio? :Kappa:
d. Okay, now Clyde uses Ziodyne without any Invoker or such. I’m confused, is that fail behind this trick? If it is, I can use it for some lesson.
e. Oh, here is the Invoker.
f. You know, if only Clyde transformed into some kind of slimey creature. That will prove Stephen’s point about how badly Clyde smells.
g. Erupting Impact. Nice name despite feeling a bit generic unlike Fimbulwinter or Hiraishingiri. So, what’s the effect of this spell.
h. Okay, now I’m starting to worry about Teddie. Please don’t die on me.

Hm… It’s been that long since we have a fighting arc. I mean the last time we have it, it’s Kotone’s and it certainly isn’t too far. Anyway, I guess that’s all for today. I got to go to the campus soon. So see you later and Keep Update!
2/28/2019 c175 afterados
Good: Totally makes sense that the Shadow Operatives would get involved again when there’s an issue that would involve the Dark Hour - and, y’ know, potentially the multiverse. Very cool idea for the Velvet Room crew to “hiatus” the population of Inaba! And in general the Velvet Room section here was well done - important info was discussed, and it was done in a succinct way. As always, you really outdo yourself with new character designs, even this late in the story. And last, good way to end the chapter getting us ready for the huge showdown!

Improvements: I think there should be some reference to how the rest of the world is reacting to the news that Persona users are real - that’s HUGE news for most of the world! Also, some of your statements get a little redundant - like, when Charles calls Dylan, Dylan requests that Charles give him the bad news first. Then, after Charles says it, the narrator says “that was the bad news.” Well, we know! No need to tell us again.
Also, you could probably cut that same scene shorter by stopping it after Dylan and Charles hang up (or at least only including a bit where they mention the SoT will meet up) - nothing of great note is discussed after they hang up, it’s mostly repeating the same info.
The conversation between Al and Kotone also seems a bit odd, a little stilted. For instance, it’s a bit odd for Kotone to say he needs their help, because when the Dark Hour comes, the SoT friends will be powerless? Wouldn’t that imply he DOESNT need the X-Laws help?
2/12/2019 c174 afterados
I don’t want to /only/ drop a bummer review like last chapter’s, so… here’s a much more positive review!

Good: Good work on thinking about how it’d be nearly impossible for the world to NOT know about personas after what Kotone did in NY. I appreciate discussing Dylan’s feelings on what happened with Yukiko, as usual - and it’s good to see that he’s still showing his growth as a character in that he’s alright with sharing his feelings (and more importantly that he’s willing and even wants to have the team help him - not just show up and do a one on one duel, as he often likes.) Also, props for explaining why the things done by Kotone and the X-laws would be bad for the universe(s). Until Igor explained it, I wasn’t sure why that’d be bad for the multiverse (except in a basic “he needs to be stopped from murdering innocents” way). Also, awesome last line!

Improvements: HOLD UP WAIT you can’t just drop a bomb like “oh the world knows about persona users” in one paragraph! The idea is cool, but it needs a bit more build up.
2/12/2019 c173 afterados
Good: The various descriptions of Kotone’s carnage were very descriptive and horrifying, as per usual.

Improvements: This probably won’t surprise you, but I didn’t like this chapter. The first half is just gore-galore, which is not my cup of tea, and the rest is even more carnage by Kotone. I had this whole mini-rant here about why I think this rampage is a bad idea story-wise, but… I’m now realizing it’s hard for me to separate my thoughts on this chapter as a writer from my own personal bias against gore for the sake of gore, if that makes sense?
So instead of your normally scheduled rant… I’ll say instead that while (as usual) I don’t think there was a reason to make Kotone more evil, you absolutely did a /fantastic/ job of making him more evil.
2/7/2019 c172 afterados
Good: The first explanation of the results of the fight are great, and make sense - even if the triad will bail many people out, the threat is still (mostly, at least) over because they definitely will NOT want to return to Inaba with such an intense defense force guarding it. Dylan winning the election is cool as it shows just how much he’s grown in the eyes of the Inaba public (or at least, the student body). I really like the sequence with Zane and Dylan meeting to talk about the new impending doom coming their way. It’s good exposition: you kept it to the point, but you also brought up a quick point of contention between Zane and Dylan over who should be the one to kill Kotone, and they both have a valid point - but importantly, they also don’t get all huffy and be like “let’s fight now to decide who it should be!”

Improvements: I feel like things should take a little longer to get back to normal… or, at the very least, DYLAN should take a little longer to get back to normal… Isshaku got the worse end of the “I’m beat up” deal, but Dylan was pretty beat up too! Also, while Dylan winning the election does show how much people’s opinion if him has changed… it’s also rather unsurprising that he won. I was assuming all alone that he would win, so a bit more tension or build up would’ve been nice. Um, I’m sorry, why exactly does Kotone KILLING PEOPLE IN A HIGH SCHOOL IN NEW YORK equal NOT CALLING ATTENTION TO HIMSELF?! Dude! You’re killing me here! (pun intended, but I am a bit annoyed!)
2/6/2019 c189 RosyMiranto18
Hm… okay, first question. How many chapters this Arc has? If it’s at least 6 or even 7, then please play “Jump into the Battlefield”. If it’s less than that, then please play “Assault on Hell” for the rest of this Arc… unless on one certain chapter… Please redirect yourself into one of those links for a better effect in this chapter.
Jump into the Battlefield: youtu . be/BzzJu09eee0
Assault on Hell: youtu . be/WsqVPqvLdMA
You know, the first thing on my mind about this chapter’s title is the Battle of Hulao Gate, and this is got lampshaded on the previous paragraph about those BGMs. Also, there’s another reason why I’m a bit insisted with this one. However, it’s is actually a spoiler saved for later, but I can assure you that it has something to do with Takeuchi… and one of the Persona in possession of Agatha.
Anyway, I think I agree with your proposal of the possibility of splitting the Showdown into two chapters, so I’m fine with either way… as long as you didn’t put that one gigantic chapter on Tuesday or Saturday here. I have other, yet no less larger fics to deal with (Spirit of Rebellion, and of course, IDBH)
Phew, okay, I guess that’s all. It’s almost 3AM here as I have to go to campus in the morning so it’s ime to go to with the review, but oh, and somehow, I am thinking that someone is going to screamed “It’s… It’s… IT’S MIRANDA!” or “It’s… It’s… IT’S MITSUO!” or “It’s… It’s… IT’S SPITZ!” or
It’s… It’s… IT’S OOMAGATSU!” or “It’s… It’s… IT’S YASOMAGATSU HINOKAMI!” along with “Do not Pursue [insert anyone I just mentioned before].”

1a. Well, congratulations for getting a good night’s sleep. Is there any secret behind it, including any “Climax before Climax”?
b. Dylan, now you’re making me imagining you eating whilst showering.
c. You know, I am actually expecting Kei to have a major Limelight moment in this Arc, especially a Big Damn Heroes moment.
2a. Yeah, that is probably a What an Idiot moment from them from not picking the Entrance. If they do, then the SoT will have a much harder time, either being greeted by an ambush right away or worse, blocked from entering from that TV at all, forcing them to take another way. You know, in “Sometimes Lightning Does Strike Twice”, the Investigation Team tried to enter via the TV in the Amagi Inn lobby since their usual TV is gone. It is the same one where Yamano is thrown, and they took it with an assumption that it leads to that room before the Magatsu Inaba. Unfortunately, everyone is mysteriously separated from each other immediately upon entering.
b. Okay, actually, I am a bit confused on Kei’s weapon. Is it the sword and sheath Ashitaka used, the bow and arrow, the Crystal Dagger (somehow), or is it that cursed blue and black aura on Ashitaka’s right arm? Please don’t let it be the right one.
c. Also, now I get why Kei’s surname is Ashitaka… don’t tell me that Kei and Mohonoke!Ashitaka are actually has something to do or even related with each other.
d. Hi Shou, I’m glad to see you here even as an Enemy Mine moment. Though I wondered about something. Will you appear in this fic’s version of the Arena Arc later?
e. Honestly, Dylan, even with your skepticism, I don’t think Shou would want to befriend any of you, regardless if he’s a Crimson Room Operative or not. We already know that from the Canon Arena, right?
f. That reminds me, I wonder when Brianna will return to this. I hope it’s not a one-time thing last time.
g. Wait, so areas and dungeons in Mayonaka are separated and connected by TVs? I thought you just walked from the entrance to any dungeon or any other places in Mayonaka.
3a. So… how many percent of the Twisted Shopping District has changed from last time?
b. Also, when they compared this to a Step into Hell, suddenly “Assault on Hell” sounds much more logical for a BGM.
c. Wait a second, I know Shou’s with the Crimson Room now, but I think he’s ‘human’ enough to not have his lines getting Bolded. So why?
d. Wait, when did Shou fought Yuu and/or Dylan before?
4a. So… how much do you compare the strength between the Shadows in Temple of Calamity and Yomotsu Hirasaka, both the canon and the LNWU version of it?
b. Never Needed Weapons, eh? Somehow, I think this is going to be a hypocrisy, either by taking an improvised weapon or not counting powers or magics as weapons.
c. Hm… you got a point, Takeru. You might as well count this as your way to punching through your old self with this fight.
d. Hm… I wonder what Takeru meant. Is it about Chad underestimating Takeru or everyone in the SoT (or at least Takeru) already knew about the Sacrifice parts of Oomagatsu?
e. See, Chad lied! Using a shard of glass is counted as a weapon!
f. At least no one said something among the lines of “That’s how Mafia works”
g. Hm… you know, Takeru mentioning about facing his Shadow made me thinking about a scenario if every single member of the Omega Franchise save for Mitsuo suddenly encountered their own Shadow even if they are Edo Tensei’ed. They entered Mayonaka, after all.
h. I don’t think Chad has ‘friends’ in the Omega Franchise to begin with, Takeru.
5a. I was expecting Chironup’s description to at least resembles San or her wolf at this point, but I guess I was wrong.
b. You know, if Chad can be beated by a one-on-one, I think two people alone are enough for the McCoy siblings while the others are taking care of the Ambush Shadows.
c. Hm… I guess I can expect Clyde, Geronimo, and Darnell making an ambush in one or two chapters, if they are that smart. Oh, they are here now… but I was hoping for a better ambush than this, especially with that many Shadows as a backup. Or better yet, just use a Pincer Attack, you imbecile!
d. I guess you got a point of keeping an eye of Shou here. Too bad there’s no Labrys or else she would certainly be the one volunteering instead.
e. And no, Dylan, I would say C, for a bad ambush and a poor use of that massive Shadows for backup.

This battle really FEELS like the Battle of Hulao Gate, period… and I guess Preston CAN be the Lu Bu here… at least for now until I see someone more appropriate for that. Well, I guess that’s all for now. So see you later and Keep Update!
P.S.: I know I should have asked this to JCharles instead, but I forgot. Anyway, back in your review in the newest IDBH chapter, you asked If Aki is "fully" a Shadow Operative or if he's been deputized to be one.” So I need to ask you what is JCharles’ reply of it. If you didn’t know/answer, then I’ll ask JCharles in the next IDBH chapter instead... or i'll try to to give my own explanation of it.
P.P.S.: I actually mispronounce Dylan’s name all this time. I read it as /’daɪlən/ instead of /ˈdɪlən/ (English) or /ˈdəlan/ (Welsh)
2/3/2019 c179 11JustCharles
Oh, I've spent a lot of time and chapters on a similar mega-arc, you shouldn't feel bad for not showing it, but perhaps you could still do it down the road.

Still, I think with Personas becoming revealed to the real world is an interesting change. I didn't think such knowledge would get out here, but I can't wait to see where that goes.

Yaldabaoth being involved this early may mean that the whole time-travel from the future may have altered some things that would be in the future for the Phantom Thieves. I can't wait to see what happens from here.

Good luck with your job if you still have it.
1/10/2019 c171 2afterados
Good: As with last time, I like that you’re aware of how injured Isshaku is! Haha and I like how the thugs just run away when they see how much of a threat Dylan is - makes sense, given how much of a powerhouse Dylan shows himself to be time and time again. But it’s a good point that the Tenmyouji Wae alliance taking over would have just been that - a takeover. Comparing that to what the newly-powered up Kotone would do to Inaba is a really cool comparison, and it does foreshadow the new threat on the horizon very well, good job!

Improvements: Also like last time, it doesn’t seem like Isshaku is very impacted by his injuries- that’s something I would’ve liked to see, consequences for how messed up he is.
1/3/2019 c170 afterados
Good:
Oh snap, final showdown time, here we goooo!

- Good way to explain Isshaku’s reasons for trying to take Dylan on solo. I like the idea that it’s really not about Dylan himself - it’s just the fact that SOMEONE got in the way of Isshaku’s plans, and he needs to take that person down. It would be the same case if it was Yu, or Stephen, or anyone, which is a nice change of pace from everyone who hates Dylan because of his lineage. (I think there is /some/ of that here, with Isshaku’s opinion of Dylan being somewhat tainted by Dylan’s abrasive personality, but its not nearly as personal for Isshaku as it is for someone like Kotone).

- In general, this fight is great! It’s violent and intense, but not overly gorey or gross (well, for the most part... you'll see what I mean below) - it just seems like two enemies kicking the crap out of each other, which is perfectly “intimate” for a final showdown between these two characters. You can really feel all the intensity here, which is great!

Improvements:
Prepare yourself here, ‘cuz I’m going to get into very specific detail!

- Some sentences could be shortened, or removed. For instance, the sentence “He stepped into the bar through the front entrance because it was the only one left open” could be reduced by removing the description of why he entered through that door: you already explained it a sentence or two beforehand, so no need to do it again. Also, you later say (talking about Dylan and Isshaku circling each other with weapons) “neither of them wanted to make a mistake because the other would capitalize on it.” That’s true, but it’s also common sense - no need to include that, since it’s assumed by the audience. A better use of that space would be creating more descriptions of what they’re doing, or look like, or maybe smell like, etc.

- Going back to the start of the fight - the transition into the actual fight is basically just the song title - a bit more transition (maybe just a sentence) would be good, since as it stands, it feels a bit abrupt.

- A few details also don’t make sense, like - why would Dylan just wait for Isshaku to pour gasoline everywhere? I’d understand if he was too tired to stop Isshaku, but it says, when Isshaku walks back over to Dylan after he pours the gas, that Dylan was “waiting for him.”

- My biggest general complaint about the fight is how much damage they take while still being able to walk, talk, and fight. ESPECIALLY Isshaku. Like, after a lot of fighting, Dylan smashes debris into Isshaku’s face enough to break his face to the point where there are /bone fragments/, and Isshaku is still slinging insults and fighting. That’s… uh, unlikely, to say the least! HOWEVER, in your defense, you show continually over the course of the fight how much damage Isshaku has taken, and (shortly after the debris-to-the-face scene i just discussed) you describe how he’s unable to fight as well, like how he’s burned, his leg is broken, etc. However, the fight continues for a while after this! So, my critique would be to keep doing what you’re doing in terms of showing the damage to these characters over time... but make sure that all the major injuries have a cost and you stick to it. Isshaku shouldn’t be able to shrug off having his face and maybe leg broken, as well as having such severe burns that his skins is falling off.

- ...The previous point may have been my biggest general problem with the fight, but this next point is just something that... bothers me. It's not specific to this fight, but it does happen here, and I really want to call it out again. Why does EVERYONE bad in this fic need to be seriously despicable? There’s no need to make everyone bad be REALLY bad - if everyone is really bad, it starts to get boring to see another “really bad” character. I’m bringing this up because Isshaku mentions he raped Kotone’s mother before he killed her - and I really do not like that. Beyond just my opinion of "oh no, here's yet another really horrible human being," I think including that detail is so damn unnecessary: Isshaku was already evil, there's no need to make him even /more/ evil. And to me, it also feels flippant in terms of how this really horrible concept (rape) is handled in the story. I know this isn’t the first time this has happened in this story, but it does bother me how easily these references to terrible things are tossed in to this story. It doesn’t add anything to the plot, it just makes it more graphic and gross.
...I promise I did enjoy a bunch of stuff about this chapter! It’s a suitable start to an epic final showdown. But that last point especially really… well, bothered me, if you couldn’t tell. But let me know if you think I'm misunderstanding something, or have misinterpreted things.
1/3/2019 c169 afterados
Good: Interesting to see Dylan and Yu discuss how the two wildcards are more open with each other than they may be with the rest of the team. And I really like the brief glimpse we get into Isshaku’s insecurities and thoughts!

Improvements: At the start of the second section, a bit of description for what Katsumoto does that prompts the guard to react in a worried manner would be good.
12/28/2018 c188 RosyMiranto18
Hello! Currently watching the famous 48h of Gfred stream. It’s available until Sunday at 8PM GMT when the LapFred is started. You can check it here: www . twitch . tv/broughy1322
Speaking of countdown why did I imagine that you would use the BGM for Ozpin VS Cinder in this chapter? Probably because of the tick tock, tick tock. Anyway, let’s just move on to the chapter now. There’s a few to talk about.

1a. Well, of course Spitz is going to break someone. And figures that he wouldn’t cooperate.
b. But hm… how old he is/looks currently?
c. What the hell is Imperius? Don’t tell me that Alastair is a Conspiracy Theorist.
d. Hm? Who is your old master then, Alastair? Imperius?
e. That is really a bold claim, Oomagatsu… which is certainly 101% that it wouldn’t happen.
f. Hm… but I wonder if Alastair still tried to sabotage Oomagatsu’s plan in any other way?
2a. So… what kind of Prison like Granite Peak Maximum supposed to be?
b. Yeah… there’s definitely a difference between a Doctor and a Scientist. Alastair is more of the latter.
3a. So you’re getting new supplies, but tell me, did you bought new equipments and accessories as well?
b. Hm… is it too late to train in Mayonaka or spar with the Senran Kagura cast today?
c. Yeah… you got a point, you’re averting Dylan’s death could also potentially reset some bad stuff as a side effect. Damn.
d. Hm… I wonder what will happen if Igor and Margaret told Yuu about the specific consequences (Oomagatsu) before they sent him back to the past. Will Yuu still accept, or will he refuse this time?
e. Though I wonder if this Imperius, whoever he is, will basically hijack Oomagatsu’s spot as the Antagonist, basically making Oomagatsu only a Disc One Final Boss… without counting Izanami, of course.
f. Hm… I think a plan would be good regardless, but I think any Element Surprise is immediately failed because we all know that everyone already aiming at the SoT as soon as they’re in sight of the Temple of Calamity.
4a. So… what part of Mayonaka is this?
b. Marebito? *googling* It’s a Japanese Horror Movie title, so… what’s the correlation. It’s not even a character name.
c. For a second, I was expecting a plot twist like “Gregory is Imperius” or something like that.
d. Though why did I feel like he looks a bit… similar to Chancellor Gilliath Osborne in his battle outfit? I mean, the picture is like this: vignette . wikia . nocookie kiseki/images/0/06/Osborne_in_battle_%28Sen_IV%29 . jpg/revision/latest?cb20181109194329
Or maybe the video: youtu . be/F95DSJQpVME?t560
e. And I wonder where did that portal go, no matter the place or the time.

Haha, that’s okay if it’s short and taking a while. And it’s obvious that this is your last 2018 Update. There’s only three more days until the year’s changing, after all. And that’s interesting both IDBH and LNWU is going to end in 2019, as JCharles hoped that IDBH will ended before the 6th Anniversary comes at July 24th. Well, I guess that’s all for now. See you later and Keep Update!
12/13/2018 c168 afterados
Good: Ha, I like the reactions Dylan gets when he’s trying to convince the other student president candidates of joining his alliance, seems suitably snarky and doubtful of their odds in a fight. And we now have a date for the final showdown! And Dylan sets it up in a suitably Dylan way. Props for having Yukiko chew him out for being so impulsive too.

Improvements: Something I’ve noticed you occasionally do in your dialogue is have one character explain what happened in an earlier chapter/scene to another character. For instance, in this chapter, you have Yu explain to Marie what happened with the Tenmyoujis threatening Dylan/the others to step down. Reminding your audience of what’s recently happened isn’t necessarily bad, but since it VERY recently happened, I don’t think you need to go into as much detail as you do in this case. (And if you want to do it anyways, you don’t need to write everything out as actual character dialogue. You certainly CAN, and I like that in terms of showing more character interactions... but if most of their dialogue is taken up by the summary, then it’s mostly duplicate meaning. What I’d recommend instead is doing a quick summary as the narrator, like “Yu explained what was happening to the student council president candidates to Marie” [except please word it better than that!], and then showing the characters’ reactions would be great!)
Ok, moving on now!
As mentioned in a earlier review, why wouldn’t the Tenmyouji family want to confront them outright? Unless I’m missing something, they’re being very blatant and clear with what they’re doing, so I disagree with Yu’s thought that “it wouldn’t make sense for [the Tenmyouji family] to just confront [the SoT] outright.” Ah, how does Dylan know that the Bad Apple Bar is where the bad guys have been hiding? (It’s totally possible he figured it out in an earlier chapter and I forgot, but I thought nobody really knew where they were hiding yet.) I’m not sure why Dylan believes that Kotone should be killed but Isshaku doesn’t? They’ve both done terrible things, but has Kotone done anything worse than Isshaku? (At this point, at least!)
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