for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken9/24/2018 c158 
2afterados
Good: Yep, I admit I skimmed right by the torture scene, no thank you. Which is “good” because it means that part did exactly what you wanted, to gross people out and make them realize how repulsive Isshaku and co. are, so good job!
Improvements: I know I’m always a broken record for this stuff, so I’ll keep it short, but… while it has been a while since we’ve seen a villain be this gross and inhumane, seeing yet another villain whose main trait is that he just IS messed up feels a little old, or at least it’s not my cup of tea. (And again… is no one in law enforcement gonna do anything about this?)
2afteradosGood: Yep, I admit I skimmed right by the torture scene, no thank you. Which is “good” because it means that part did exactly what you wanted, to gross people out and make them realize how repulsive Isshaku and co. are, so good job!
Improvements: I know I’m always a broken record for this stuff, so I’ll keep it short, but… while it has been a while since we’ve seen a villain be this gross and inhumane, seeing yet another villain whose main trait is that he just IS messed up feels a little old, or at least it’s not my cup of tea. (And again… is no one in law enforcement gonna do anything about this?)
9/18/2018 c182 RosyMiranto18
*yawn* You’re lucky that you upload this just before I get to the campus, and since JCharles said that the net IDBH chapter will be delayed a few days, partially because of me, but please look forward to the added scenes there. And I guess you’re going to rush Oomagatsu’s Arc then. Though I need to ask something. If you want to just go into Yomotsu Hirasaka, then why did you made this arc in the first place?
Anyway, let’s just get into the review now.
1a. I thought you’ve been confident enough about this situation, Dylan.
b. Hm… did you already been considering to introduce Kei to the rest of the SoT before Igor summoned you two to the Velvet Room.
c. The question is, IF they are somehow got beaten, will you intervene, Margaret?
2a. Speaking of school, will you enroll at Yasogami for the third year, Marie? Instead of taking the path of Weather Report, or rather Weather Control.
b. Yeah… I think he is indeed more trustworthy, despite his mysterious motivation. Then again, a mysterious motivation is better than a Knight Templar-like one.
c. Somehow, I was expecting that there’s at least one or two followers that follows Oomagatsu willingly and as terrifying as Oomagatsu himself. There’s no way that all of them are mind-controlled, right?
3a. What kind of Hotel that doesn’t have any background check? Is it a common thing?
b. … and judging that there’s a… ‘council’ or some sort, I think my hunch is starting to be correct.
c. Uh-oh, that sounds like it’s a bad thing, and it’s not like Revoker in IDBH either. Still, why did this device exist in the first place? I bet Kirijou Kouetsu’s the one behind it. Still, I think everyone save for Ikutsuki immediately destroys it after the ’99 Explosion.
d. *stunned and shuddered* I didn’t expect Bertole to willing be a Test Subject. Though if he’s willing, why did he have a bag on his head? Oh, sorry, I thought Bertole’s the Test Subject, it’s someone else actually :D
e. So this Invoker basically invoke one’s Shadow by killing its host. And that thought is much more disturbing than a regular Evoker since his head actually exploded now.
f. And somehow, I think the ‘Dessert’ is actually more Shadows than just a… human’s dessert.
4a. So, I guess you really decided to move to Inaba then, Kei, unless if you’re planning to be a Vagabond, like the good ol’ Pre-Meiji Japan.
b. So basically, you’ve come because you foresaw a disaster from some signs in your homeland and seeking to stop it. Though what kind of signs is it? Is it just dark clouds in the horizon?
c. No, it’s even worse than that, it’s literally human flesh along with Shadows, and not human’s definition of dessert. *shuddered* It’s worse than I expected. This has to be on the news, there’s no way it couldn’t.
Well, I think that’s everything for today. So yeah, keep update!
P.S.: What do you think of the ghost stories in the latest chapter of IDBH, especially Takeuchi’s? *whistles innocently* c̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ **e**o*’* *u* c̶o̶u̶g̶h
*yawn* You’re lucky that you upload this just before I get to the campus, and since JCharles said that the net IDBH chapter will be delayed a few days, partially because of me, but please look forward to the added scenes there. And I guess you’re going to rush Oomagatsu’s Arc then. Though I need to ask something. If you want to just go into Yomotsu Hirasaka, then why did you made this arc in the first place?
Anyway, let’s just get into the review now.
1a. I thought you’ve been confident enough about this situation, Dylan.
b. Hm… did you already been considering to introduce Kei to the rest of the SoT before Igor summoned you two to the Velvet Room.
c. The question is, IF they are somehow got beaten, will you intervene, Margaret?
2a. Speaking of school, will you enroll at Yasogami for the third year, Marie? Instead of taking the path of Weather Report, or rather Weather Control.
b. Yeah… I think he is indeed more trustworthy, despite his mysterious motivation. Then again, a mysterious motivation is better than a Knight Templar-like one.
c. Somehow, I was expecting that there’s at least one or two followers that follows Oomagatsu willingly and as terrifying as Oomagatsu himself. There’s no way that all of them are mind-controlled, right?
3a. What kind of Hotel that doesn’t have any background check? Is it a common thing?
b. … and judging that there’s a… ‘council’ or some sort, I think my hunch is starting to be correct.
c. Uh-oh, that sounds like it’s a bad thing, and it’s not like Revoker in IDBH either. Still, why did this device exist in the first place? I bet Kirijou Kouetsu’s the one behind it. Still, I think everyone save for Ikutsuki immediately destroys it after the ’99 Explosion.
d. *stunned and shuddered* I didn’t expect Bertole to willing be a Test Subject. Though if he’s willing, why did he have a bag on his head? Oh, sorry, I thought Bertole’s the Test Subject, it’s someone else actually :D
e. So this Invoker basically invoke one’s Shadow by killing its host. And that thought is much more disturbing than a regular Evoker since his head actually exploded now.
f. And somehow, I think the ‘Dessert’ is actually more Shadows than just a… human’s dessert.
4a. So, I guess you really decided to move to Inaba then, Kei, unless if you’re planning to be a Vagabond, like the good ol’ Pre-Meiji Japan.
b. So basically, you’ve come because you foresaw a disaster from some signs in your homeland and seeking to stop it. Though what kind of signs is it? Is it just dark clouds in the horizon?
c. No, it’s even worse than that, it’s literally human flesh along with Shadows, and not human’s definition of dessert. *shuddered* It’s worse than I expected. This has to be on the news, there’s no way it couldn’t.
Well, I think that’s everything for today. So yeah, keep update!
P.S.: What do you think of the ghost stories in the latest chapter of IDBH, especially Takeuchi’s? *whistles innocently* c̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ **e**o*’* *u* c̶o̶u̶g̶h
9/17/2018 c157 afterados
Good: Oh man, Tenmyouji Katsumoto’s design is awesome! I love the sort of lithe, evil old guy idea you went with for him. And I love all the underground/mafia/yazkua/etc. crime activity described in this chapter, and how everything’s related - I think that’s FANTASTIC. Haha and Yosuke’s “shouldn’t we cover our ears?” just in time for the bomb to go off was great! Hopefully no one else was in the lodge at the time. And I also love the “world’s ugliest boyband” line!
...I guess, in general, I can just summarize and say this was just a very enjoyable chapter.
Improvements: None in particular, keep it up!
Good: Oh man, Tenmyouji Katsumoto’s design is awesome! I love the sort of lithe, evil old guy idea you went with for him. And I love all the underground/mafia/yazkua/etc. crime activity described in this chapter, and how everything’s related - I think that’s FANTASTIC. Haha and Yosuke’s “shouldn’t we cover our ears?” just in time for the bomb to go off was great! Hopefully no one else was in the lodge at the time. And I also love the “world’s ugliest boyband” line!
...I guess, in general, I can just summarize and say this was just a very enjoyable chapter.
Improvements: None in particular, keep it up!
9/17/2018 c156 afterados
Good: Ha! Nice line of “You really are a Fool, aren’t you?” Great word play! And also, generally good final fight with Kusumi no Okami. As always, I’d love more detail, but it was fun regardless! (Also hooraaay, Marie’s back! Abd Yu’s summary of what had been going down with Dylan since she was last with the team is… wow. A LOT had happened, hadn’t it?)
Improvements: What WAS Om’s ritual? More details! Why did it takes hours? What was he doing? How did it feel for Yu? Etc.
Good: Ha! Nice line of “You really are a Fool, aren’t you?” Great word play! And also, generally good final fight with Kusumi no Okami. As always, I’d love more detail, but it was fun regardless! (Also hooraaay, Marie’s back! Abd Yu’s summary of what had been going down with Dylan since she was last with the team is… wow. A LOT had happened, hadn’t it?)
Improvements: What WAS Om’s ritual? More details! Why did it takes hours? What was he doing? How did it feel for Yu? Etc.
9/7/2018 c181 RosyMiranto18
Okay... this is the last chapter for my document on this fic since the i has to make a new one for the next message.
Right, i have no more ideas for any punchlines so let's just get to the next chapter, shall we... though to be honest, i'm starting to be paranoid since that last review with IDBH. !scumbag Fanfiction.
1a. Hm... i didn't expect to see Yuusuke here, especially when it's not IDBH where P5 is moved earlier to 2012 instead of 2016.
b. Wait, what the fuck, is that the Future Yuusuke as Fox? What the hell is happening here?... okay, you're not, but i'm sure you will looked up to Kei, Yuusuke, considering how similar his foutfit to Fox's.
c. Still, i suspected that the reason why he came to Inaba has something to do with the Seekers of Truth.
d. Note: you mistype Horokei as Horokeu.
2a. Speaking of Valentine, i was hoping that Oomagatsu will be taken care of before this day comes, but i guess it's not... *sighs*
b. Uh... Yukiko, Nanako's Black Ooze begs to differ...c. Don't tell me that you're going to smuggle grasshoppers inside of the chocolate, Yukiko, please...
d. Hm... since when you're learning mythology throughouly, Dylan? No mean to deadpan, just curious.
3a. You know, Omega Force- i mean Franchise is a familiar name to me... which is a division of Koei Tecmo... okay, now i'm worried that Oomagatsu's OF will start summoning warriors from Three Kingdoms and/or Sengoku.
b. Crap, it seems that Dylan's theory is right on point. But at least you didn't jinxed things unlike Charles.
c. Hm... since you brought up YHVH now, it made me wondering about something. Why did you choose Chaos for obvious role instead of Lucifer like the traditional SMT games?
d. *groan* Oh... now... Shou's finally back. If he's here, i can assume that Hi no Kagutsuchi (not Stephen's Persona) wouldn't be too far behind either.
e. Wait, is Shou already merged with MINAZUKI or are they still separated? If it's the latter, then how did Shou summon Tsukuyomi?!
f. Damn, regeneration. I'm sure the next boss fight could potentially be harder than Izanami's later.
4a. Okay, i searched Chironnupu (or should i say, Chironup) and i found out that it is "A fox god of Ainu lore. It is portrayed in Ainu legends as a mischievous spirit, insulting people at festivals and overturning boats."
That sounds interesting, no wonder he's a Dousanko (people from Hokkaidou), i wouldn't be surprised if he's from the Ainu tribe.
b. Hmhm, i guess Papillion Heart comes with a price of higher rate of metabolism then.
c. Okay, you're really had a mysterious past and reason, Kei... especially when you's just joining out the blue and not joining the S.O. which sounds like a more logical choice. And it's not like the previous case with Zane too.
d. You're right about that Dylan, but i'm still not completely sure about him until i know his backstory.
Oh, it's a very good thing that you made YHVH isn't as bad as his SMT counterpart. And i think it does explain my earlier question about why you replaces Lucifer with Chaos, because this YHVH isn't even the same one.
And i'm okay with more Seekers of Truth joining even though the S.O. feels better and more logical for a melting pot of Persona Users. Still, for the future members, i think you need to explain why and how did people joining or at least any glimpse of it because Kei really joined out of the blue with any explanation.
Well, i guess that's all for today. Keep Update!
P.S.: I have a question for you regarding IDBH, first, when you said the chapter's start is great, did you only referring to the 'prologue' or are you including Takeuchi and Charles's scene as well? Second, what do you think about that tea scene too? Even though i admit that it messed up a bit chronologically.
Okay... this is the last chapter for my document on this fic since the i has to make a new one for the next message.
Right, i have no more ideas for any punchlines so let's just get to the next chapter, shall we... though to be honest, i'm starting to be paranoid since that last review with IDBH. !scumbag Fanfiction.
1a. Hm... i didn't expect to see Yuusuke here, especially when it's not IDBH where P5 is moved earlier to 2012 instead of 2016.
b. Wait, what the fuck, is that the Future Yuusuke as Fox? What the hell is happening here?... okay, you're not, but i'm sure you will looked up to Kei, Yuusuke, considering how similar his foutfit to Fox's.
c. Still, i suspected that the reason why he came to Inaba has something to do with the Seekers of Truth.
d. Note: you mistype Horokei as Horokeu.
2a. Speaking of Valentine, i was hoping that Oomagatsu will be taken care of before this day comes, but i guess it's not... *sighs*
b. Uh... Yukiko, Nanako's Black Ooze begs to differ...c. Don't tell me that you're going to smuggle grasshoppers inside of the chocolate, Yukiko, please...
d. Hm... since when you're learning mythology throughouly, Dylan? No mean to deadpan, just curious.
3a. You know, Omega Force- i mean Franchise is a familiar name to me... which is a division of Koei Tecmo... okay, now i'm worried that Oomagatsu's OF will start summoning warriors from Three Kingdoms and/or Sengoku.
b. Crap, it seems that Dylan's theory is right on point. But at least you didn't jinxed things unlike Charles.
c. Hm... since you brought up YHVH now, it made me wondering about something. Why did you choose Chaos for obvious role instead of Lucifer like the traditional SMT games?
d. *groan* Oh... now... Shou's finally back. If he's here, i can assume that Hi no Kagutsuchi (not Stephen's Persona) wouldn't be too far behind either.
e. Wait, is Shou already merged with MINAZUKI or are they still separated? If it's the latter, then how did Shou summon Tsukuyomi?!
f. Damn, regeneration. I'm sure the next boss fight could potentially be harder than Izanami's later.
4a. Okay, i searched Chironnupu (or should i say, Chironup) and i found out that it is "A fox god of Ainu lore. It is portrayed in Ainu legends as a mischievous spirit, insulting people at festivals and overturning boats."
That sounds interesting, no wonder he's a Dousanko (people from Hokkaidou), i wouldn't be surprised if he's from the Ainu tribe.
b. Hmhm, i guess Papillion Heart comes with a price of higher rate of metabolism then.
c. Okay, you're really had a mysterious past and reason, Kei... especially when you's just joining out the blue and not joining the S.O. which sounds like a more logical choice. And it's not like the previous case with Zane too.
d. You're right about that Dylan, but i'm still not completely sure about him until i know his backstory.
Oh, it's a very good thing that you made YHVH isn't as bad as his SMT counterpart. And i think it does explain my earlier question about why you replaces Lucifer with Chaos, because this YHVH isn't even the same one.
And i'm okay with more Seekers of Truth joining even though the S.O. feels better and more logical for a melting pot of Persona Users. Still, for the future members, i think you need to explain why and how did people joining or at least any glimpse of it because Kei really joined out of the blue with any explanation.
Well, i guess that's all for today. Keep Update!
P.S.: I have a question for you regarding IDBH, first, when you said the chapter's start is great, did you only referring to the 'prologue' or are you including Takeuchi and Charles's scene as well? Second, what do you think about that tea scene too? Even though i admit that it messed up a bit chronologically.
9/5/2018 c155 afterados
Good: Aw, dude, HELL YEAH! What an awesome way to start this fight! Everything from Marie’s desperation at not wanting to hurt them, and realizing that she does want to live, to the start of the fight itself, and culminating in the disappearance of everyone except Yu? I can’t think of a better way to have this final battle than between Kusumi no Okami and Yu! Well done!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
Good: Aw, dude, HELL YEAH! What an awesome way to start this fight! Everything from Marie’s desperation at not wanting to hurt them, and realizing that she does want to live, to the start of the fight itself, and culminating in the disappearance of everyone except Yu? I can’t think of a better way to have this final battle than between Kusumi no Okami and Yu! Well done!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
9/5/2018 c154 afterados
Good: Dang, the Dylan v. Shadow Mitsuo is pretty awesome, and I like the ideas you have for costumes… and I also like how you poke fun at yourself by having Dylan make fun of your designs! Also, kudos for having Dylan specifically mention his regret at killing Mitsuo. I know he’s said as much before, but hearing him say that to himself (well, to his persona, but close enough) is awesome. Also the illusions are a great idea! Awesome way to remind us of the mental trauma that made Dylan make his mistakes.
Improvements: Some parts did drag on a bit long, but overall it was a good fight (though, as is my common refrain… more detail! And I know that seems to run counter to “parts running a bit long”, but what I mean is that I think it would make the chapter read quicker if you added more detail instead of just summarizing).
Good: Dang, the Dylan v. Shadow Mitsuo is pretty awesome, and I like the ideas you have for costumes… and I also like how you poke fun at yourself by having Dylan make fun of your designs! Also, kudos for having Dylan specifically mention his regret at killing Mitsuo. I know he’s said as much before, but hearing him say that to himself (well, to his persona, but close enough) is awesome. Also the illusions are a great idea! Awesome way to remind us of the mental trauma that made Dylan make his mistakes.
Improvements: Some parts did drag on a bit long, but overall it was a good fight (though, as is my common refrain… more detail! And I know that seems to run counter to “parts running a bit long”, but what I mean is that I think it would make the chapter read quicker if you added more detail instead of just summarizing).
8/24/2018 c180 RosyMiranto18
Somehow, I feel too tired and lazy to reveiew for this day, and that’s because I’m setting up GTA V I just got. And to be honest, I was confused about who Stefan Karl Stefanson simply because I forgot his name. Well, enough about that. Let’s just get to the chapter, shall we?
1a. Yes, Takeru. Yomotsu Hirasaka is a big thing both in the Japanese Mythology and P4. Even though Yuu and Marie are obviously known it, the rest of the team definitely should know it as well.
b. Uh-oh, Midnight Channel has returned. Though, are Yousuke, Takeru, and Teddie talking near the Midnight?
2a. Oomagatsu. At first, thinking that it’s an actual deity… but in reality, you just slapped ‘Oo/Great’ into Magatsu like Magatsu Izanagi… then I am wrong again.
b. I research it, and I found out that there is Oomagatsu in Devil Summoner Kuzunoha, but it’s a mecha at that time. Then I found an actual deity called Magatsuhi.
According to Wikia “Magatsuhi refers to two gods from the story of Izanagi when he had returned from Yomi in a failed mission to retrieve his late consort, Izanami. Since Yomi is the netherworld full of filth (Kegare), after his trip, Izanagi performed the Misogi ritual in order to cleanse the filth from his body. The filth that had been washed away became two gods, "Yasomagatsu Hinokami" (八十禍津日神, "Eighty Calamities God") and "Ohomagatsu Hinokami" (大禍津日神, "Great Calamity God"), known collectively as Magatsu Hinokami (禍津日神).”
So, what’s the correct name for this, Oomagatsu, Magatsuhi, or (Yaso)-Magatsu Hinokami?
c. Yeah… unless if the SoT are the only ones who is shown this Midnight Channel, everyone might be watching. I guess Public Secret is out of table at this point.
3a. Eesh, I can’t believe sportswear will make people get those murderous rage. Speaking of which, how did you know that, Dylan?
b. Still, considering its alignment, and what he is in the Mythology, I suspected that Oomagatsu here has some kind to Izanami or even Chaos. Is that correct?
c. Yeah, Yuu’re right, that idea for having fun sounds weirder than studying for fun and relaxation *nudging at Machias Regnitz*
d. Mosey? *googling* Yeah, you’re right about that, Dylan. Yuu’s too straightforward to say such word.
4a. You know, I was thinking that everyone’s talking on the rooftop which made me confused why did they explain it ‘twice’ at the Foodcourt… until I realized that it’s just Yuu and Dylan on a hallway.
b. You know, Yukiko, when you think about it. While this Oomagatsu might be stronger than Kotone or Yaldabaoth, you’re right that its motivation and action are much less complicated than Kotone’s.
And don’t worry about taking a while to make a chapter or making a short chapter. You have you’re right to take it at your own pace. To be honest, I am quite clueless of this Arc, which is quite unexpected for me. Then again, most Original Arcs are like this. Well then, see you later and Keep Update!
Somehow, I feel too tired and lazy to reveiew for this day, and that’s because I’m setting up GTA V I just got. And to be honest, I was confused about who Stefan Karl Stefanson simply because I forgot his name. Well, enough about that. Let’s just get to the chapter, shall we?
1a. Yes, Takeru. Yomotsu Hirasaka is a big thing both in the Japanese Mythology and P4. Even though Yuu and Marie are obviously known it, the rest of the team definitely should know it as well.
b. Uh-oh, Midnight Channel has returned. Though, are Yousuke, Takeru, and Teddie talking near the Midnight?
2a. Oomagatsu. At first, thinking that it’s an actual deity… but in reality, you just slapped ‘Oo/Great’ into Magatsu like Magatsu Izanagi… then I am wrong again.
b. I research it, and I found out that there is Oomagatsu in Devil Summoner Kuzunoha, but it’s a mecha at that time. Then I found an actual deity called Magatsuhi.
According to Wikia “Magatsuhi refers to two gods from the story of Izanagi when he had returned from Yomi in a failed mission to retrieve his late consort, Izanami. Since Yomi is the netherworld full of filth (Kegare), after his trip, Izanagi performed the Misogi ritual in order to cleanse the filth from his body. The filth that had been washed away became two gods, "Yasomagatsu Hinokami" (八十禍津日神, "Eighty Calamities God") and "Ohomagatsu Hinokami" (大禍津日神, "Great Calamity God"), known collectively as Magatsu Hinokami (禍津日神).”
So, what’s the correct name for this, Oomagatsu, Magatsuhi, or (Yaso)-Magatsu Hinokami?
c. Yeah… unless if the SoT are the only ones who is shown this Midnight Channel, everyone might be watching. I guess Public Secret is out of table at this point.
3a. Eesh, I can’t believe sportswear will make people get those murderous rage. Speaking of which, how did you know that, Dylan?
b. Still, considering its alignment, and what he is in the Mythology, I suspected that Oomagatsu here has some kind to Izanami or even Chaos. Is that correct?
c. Yeah, Yuu’re right, that idea for having fun sounds weirder than studying for fun and relaxation *nudging at Machias Regnitz*
d. Mosey? *googling* Yeah, you’re right about that, Dylan. Yuu’s too straightforward to say such word.
4a. You know, I was thinking that everyone’s talking on the rooftop which made me confused why did they explain it ‘twice’ at the Foodcourt… until I realized that it’s just Yuu and Dylan on a hallway.
b. You know, Yukiko, when you think about it. While this Oomagatsu might be stronger than Kotone or Yaldabaoth, you’re right that its motivation and action are much less complicated than Kotone’s.
And don’t worry about taking a while to make a chapter or making a short chapter. You have you’re right to take it at your own pace. To be honest, I am quite clueless of this Arc, which is quite unexpected for me. Then again, most Original Arcs are like this. Well then, see you later and Keep Update!
8/21/2018 c153 afterados
Good: Haha of course it was Travis and Takeru who got lost! Aw, and honestly it’s really nice to see Yu get emotional here, this is one of the first time’s /he’s/ had to rely on everyone else rather than vice-versa, so it’s great to see him act differently for something this important. And I love these Marie poems! Since I haven’t played P4 Golden (or P4) I gotta ask - are those from the game, or did you write them up yourself? Oh ho, and props for giving a reason for why Mitsuo’s Shadow is still around while he’s dead! And then tying it into Dylan’s guilt at either killing Mitsuo or (more so) putting his friends in danger because of it... that’s awesome! Ha, and Dylan DOES know better than to ask “what can one person do against 15”, he faces odds like that pretty regularly. Oh man, and giving Shadow Mitsuo a TRON outfit? Dang man, this chapter is really, really awesome!
Improvements: Just slight things, like a bit more detail in the fights leading up to the Shadow Mitsuo one (right now, they seem more like summaries), but all in all no problems here!
Good: Haha of course it was Travis and Takeru who got lost! Aw, and honestly it’s really nice to see Yu get emotional here, this is one of the first time’s /he’s/ had to rely on everyone else rather than vice-versa, so it’s great to see him act differently for something this important. And I love these Marie poems! Since I haven’t played P4 Golden (or P4) I gotta ask - are those from the game, or did you write them up yourself? Oh ho, and props for giving a reason for why Mitsuo’s Shadow is still around while he’s dead! And then tying it into Dylan’s guilt at either killing Mitsuo or (more so) putting his friends in danger because of it... that’s awesome! Ha, and Dylan DOES know better than to ask “what can one person do against 15”, he faces odds like that pretty regularly. Oh man, and giving Shadow Mitsuo a TRON outfit? Dang man, this chapter is really, really awesome!
Improvements: Just slight things, like a bit more detail in the fights leading up to the Shadow Mitsuo one (right now, they seem more like summaries), but all in all no problems here!
8/21/2018 c152 afterados
Good: Aw, this was a really nice chapter. Nothing specific to say, but it was a good fluff chapter after all the nastiness of Isshaku and the Whitlocks (and just before a crazy battle to get Marie back, I’m sure!).
Improvements: I want more detail! But aside from that, all good here.
Good: Aw, this was a really nice chapter. Nothing specific to say, but it was a good fluff chapter after all the nastiness of Isshaku and the Whitlocks (and just before a crazy battle to get Marie back, I’m sure!).
Improvements: I want more detail! But aside from that, all good here.
8/21/2018 c151 afterados
Good: Ha yeah, I guess Dylan is the most impartial for seating arrangements, just cuz he doesnt care and wants to get back to class! Anyways, pretty slow chapter, but good for furthering the details of the black cars following the Seekers of Truth.
Improvements: I think most of this chapter’s details could’ve been condensed and added to another chapter, but aside from that no complaints!
Good: Ha yeah, I guess Dylan is the most impartial for seating arrangements, just cuz he doesnt care and wants to get back to class! Anyways, pretty slow chapter, but good for furthering the details of the black cars following the Seekers of Truth.
Improvements: I think most of this chapter’s details could’ve been condensed and added to another chapter, but aside from that no complaints!
8/21/2018 c150 afterados
Good: I’m going to complain a lot about this below, but: it is great that you’re showing a dichotomy between both the old dylan and new, and between Dylan and Isshaku. Also good opening and ending lines!
Improvements: I just can’t suspend this much disbelief, man. Isshaku dismembered a guy, everyone knows it, and they can’t even get him expelled? Dude, that’s too much. (Although props for bringing up Dylan’s past too… in all honesty, they BOTH should be expelled! Murder in any capacity shouldn’t be allowed in a school). And then, Dylan goes and kills another person… while he’s arguing that he’s changed… I agree that his personality has mellowed, which is great, but he’s still murdering people! Not great! Not to mention, more variance in fighting settings would be good. There have been a lot of fights in a ring before this, fighting elsewhere would be a good change of pace.
Good: I’m going to complain a lot about this below, but: it is great that you’re showing a dichotomy between both the old dylan and new, and between Dylan and Isshaku. Also good opening and ending lines!
Improvements: I just can’t suspend this much disbelief, man. Isshaku dismembered a guy, everyone knows it, and they can’t even get him expelled? Dude, that’s too much. (Although props for bringing up Dylan’s past too… in all honesty, they BOTH should be expelled! Murder in any capacity shouldn’t be allowed in a school). And then, Dylan goes and kills another person… while he’s arguing that he’s changed… I agree that his personality has mellowed, which is great, but he’s still murdering people! Not great! Not to mention, more variance in fighting settings would be good. There have been a lot of fights in a ring before this, fighting elsewhere would be a good change of pace.
8/21/2018 c149 afterados
Good: As usual, the gore and horror aspects of just how evil Isshakuis are very well done, they’re hard to read because of just how vile it is, which i think is exactly what youre going for.
Improvements: Unfortunately… I’m starting to get more repetitive vibes now. I was hoping that Isshaku would be a different type of villain from all the others Dylan’s faced, one he couldnt take down with his fists but instead had to use his words… but he ended up being just like everyone else. And now the Whitlock family is just even more like Blake’s 2.0, and that’s just… kinda boring to me. We’ve already seen this before, and once again, there’s video proof of this guy murdering people and he’s not locked up? It’s like Gregory Blake’s president campaign again, which is rather disappointing to me. My advice for the future would be to make things different for some major villains (you already have for some villains, and maybe you’ll prove me wrong here in a few chapters), but so far it seems very same-y, which is a bummer.
Good: As usual, the gore and horror aspects of just how evil Isshakuis are very well done, they’re hard to read because of just how vile it is, which i think is exactly what youre going for.
Improvements: Unfortunately… I’m starting to get more repetitive vibes now. I was hoping that Isshaku would be a different type of villain from all the others Dylan’s faced, one he couldnt take down with his fists but instead had to use his words… but he ended up being just like everyone else. And now the Whitlock family is just even more like Blake’s 2.0, and that’s just… kinda boring to me. We’ve already seen this before, and once again, there’s video proof of this guy murdering people and he’s not locked up? It’s like Gregory Blake’s president campaign again, which is rather disappointing to me. My advice for the future would be to make things different for some major villains (you already have for some villains, and maybe you’ll prove me wrong here in a few chapters), but so far it seems very same-y, which is a bummer.
8/21/2018 c148 afterados
Good: I like the political intrigue behind doing the student council president stuff, that gives you an opportunity to do campaign stuff that I don’t usually see in fanfiction, which is pretty cool! Also, interesting that Sergei’s putting one of his own people in as a candidate, wonder if he’s going for a psychological victory against Dylan?
Improvements: None, keep it up!
Good: I like the political intrigue behind doing the student council president stuff, that gives you an opportunity to do campaign stuff that I don’t usually see in fanfiction, which is pretty cool! Also, interesting that Sergei’s putting one of his own people in as a candidate, wonder if he’s going for a psychological victory against Dylan?
Improvements: None, keep it up!
8/11/2018 c179 RosyMiranto18
So we've finally arrived at the denouncement of this Arc, The Trouble of Past Evil Deeds. I am quite busy currently, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Oh, and one more thing, i don't think you need to do that vignette story or so. It's way too late for that to happen for me.
1a. Somehow i have a feeling that this cult has something to do with Strega. Just don't ask. But why the Alps though?
b. You're right, Yuu. If they are told the truth, then a riot will surely break out. Ignorance is a bliss, indeed.
c. Considering that this Yomotsuhirasaka is more corrupted than what's in canon, Margaret does have a point of making precautions... especially if Chaos decided to intrude everything by himself.
d. Hm... maybe you should try to ask Marie about it. She might know something more than Margaret and Igor.
e. Though this bring me a question, if the memories of the Hiatus is replaced, Is Persona being a Public Knowledge 'thanks' to Kotone is still a thing?
2a. You know, i was hoping thatt Lance will stick around for a while, but... oh well...
b. There's no need for that, Yuu. Kotone's fate has beem decided from the moment he hears Mitsuo's deathnews. As Confucius said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
c. Unfortunately, Doujima-san, There's no such a thing as an Eternal Peace. Another conflict will emerge sooner or later.
3a. You're right, Rise. They don't need to be involved, yet they do and face the consequences.
b. Though i have a question here, is X-LAWS has a personal reason against Dylan? Since Kotone is definitely while Isshaku is... more or less do...
c. Sorry Rise, but i think trying to make a Kubo listen to reason is as impossible as moving a mountain.
d. Though somehow i think i have a bad feeling that Stephen will jinx it and there will be an unexpected interruption between this chapter and Izanami, with Chaos being the prime suspect.
Yeah, some focus is a good thing indeed since we see Stephen, Rise, Naoto, and Kanji. Now i'm wondering if you make a limelight out of Yousuke, Chie, Travis, Zack, Eddie, Yumi, Aika, Kanami, and Takeru in the next chapter. And don't forget the Valentine's Day too. See you in the next chapter and Keep Update!
P.S.: What do you think of PQ2 so far?
So we've finally arrived at the denouncement of this Arc, The Trouble of Past Evil Deeds. I am quite busy currently, so let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Oh, and one more thing, i don't think you need to do that vignette story or so. It's way too late for that to happen for me.
1a. Somehow i have a feeling that this cult has something to do with Strega. Just don't ask. But why the Alps though?
b. You're right, Yuu. If they are told the truth, then a riot will surely break out. Ignorance is a bliss, indeed.
c. Considering that this Yomotsuhirasaka is more corrupted than what's in canon, Margaret does have a point of making precautions... especially if Chaos decided to intrude everything by himself.
d. Hm... maybe you should try to ask Marie about it. She might know something more than Margaret and Igor.
e. Though this bring me a question, if the memories of the Hiatus is replaced, Is Persona being a Public Knowledge 'thanks' to Kotone is still a thing?
2a. You know, i was hoping thatt Lance will stick around for a while, but... oh well...
b. There's no need for that, Yuu. Kotone's fate has beem decided from the moment he hears Mitsuo's deathnews. As Confucius said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
c. Unfortunately, Doujima-san, There's no such a thing as an Eternal Peace. Another conflict will emerge sooner or later.
3a. You're right, Rise. They don't need to be involved, yet they do and face the consequences.
b. Though i have a question here, is X-LAWS has a personal reason against Dylan? Since Kotone is definitely while Isshaku is... more or less do...
c. Sorry Rise, but i think trying to make a Kubo listen to reason is as impossible as moving a mountain.
d. Though somehow i think i have a bad feeling that Stephen will jinx it and there will be an unexpected interruption between this chapter and Izanami, with Chaos being the prime suspect.
Yeah, some focus is a good thing indeed since we see Stephen, Rise, Naoto, and Kanji. Now i'm wondering if you make a limelight out of Yousuke, Chie, Travis, Zack, Eddie, Yumi, Aika, Kanami, and Takeru in the next chapter. And don't forget the Valentine's Day too. See you in the next chapter and Keep Update!
P.S.: What do you think of PQ2 so far?