for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken4/17/2018 c127 
2afterados
Good: Oh man, SO MUCH YES with Yu calling Dylan out, hell yeah! And Yukiko doing something similar oh man, DOUBLE hell yeah! Haha and that wrestler fight with tap in/out is hilarious. Oh shout out for that Redwall reference! EULALIA indeed. And generally, huge props on that dylan v. Shadow Dylan scene, very well done, and I love that you referenced the deus ex machina of “the power of love”! And last, Dylan reflecting on what he’s learned. Hell. Effing. Yes. Well done!
Improvements: Describe the fight! Don’t just say it was “intense”, show why it was intense, what happened, etc. Also, just had a thought: if Dylan’s shadow was back, how did he still have his persona? And I do think that everyone’s persona’s evolving at the same time b/c Dylan’s shadow disappeared felt a bit like a convenient plot device, more than something that actually made sense. I know it would've been incredibly difficult to do EVERYONE'S persona evolving separately, so I totally get why you did this (and tbh, it probably would've annoyed me to read through each IT's persona evolving!), but I do wish there was a bit more of an explanation.
2afteradosGood: Oh man, SO MUCH YES with Yu calling Dylan out, hell yeah! And Yukiko doing something similar oh man, DOUBLE hell yeah! Haha and that wrestler fight with tap in/out is hilarious. Oh shout out for that Redwall reference! EULALIA indeed. And generally, huge props on that dylan v. Shadow Dylan scene, very well done, and I love that you referenced the deus ex machina of “the power of love”! And last, Dylan reflecting on what he’s learned. Hell. Effing. Yes. Well done!
Improvements: Describe the fight! Don’t just say it was “intense”, show why it was intense, what happened, etc. Also, just had a thought: if Dylan’s shadow was back, how did he still have his persona? And I do think that everyone’s persona’s evolving at the same time b/c Dylan’s shadow disappeared felt a bit like a convenient plot device, more than something that actually made sense. I know it would've been incredibly difficult to do EVERYONE'S persona evolving separately, so I totally get why you did this (and tbh, it probably would've annoyed me to read through each IT's persona evolving!), but I do wish there was a bit more of an explanation.
4/17/2018 c126 afterados
Good: Oh snap, it's time to Christmas Carol this story! Haha and Dylan watching the past Yu on December 25th, it's ACTUALLY a Christmas Carol! And the scene with Rise and Stephen at the end was great. Apologies to Dylan and Yukiko, b/c those two are becoming my favorite couple here (behind Rob and his wife, of course).
Improvements: I do like the idea of visiting people's past mechanic… but, I do wish it was more foreshadowed than just "surprise! She can do that!" Also, didn't Dylan already know that Yu was lonely in his past? I thought they already talked about it, though if they hadn't, ignore this criticism. And I do think that Margaret going back in time to look at maybe 10 seconds of Dylan's past could've been left out: nothing really important happened there.
Good: Oh snap, it's time to Christmas Carol this story! Haha and Dylan watching the past Yu on December 25th, it's ACTUALLY a Christmas Carol! And the scene with Rise and Stephen at the end was great. Apologies to Dylan and Yukiko, b/c those two are becoming my favorite couple here (behind Rob and his wife, of course).
Improvements: I do like the idea of visiting people's past mechanic… but, I do wish it was more foreshadowed than just "surprise! She can do that!" Also, didn't Dylan already know that Yu was lonely in his past? I thought they already talked about it, though if they hadn't, ignore this criticism. And I do think that Margaret going back in time to look at maybe 10 seconds of Dylan's past could've been left out: nothing really important happened there.
4/17/2018 c125 afterados
Good: This was just a very pleasant chapter! I really love the introspection by Dylan especially, reflecting on how he used to be before he came to Inaba and met Yukiko. And the general dialogue was great. And oh my gosh, Yukiko NOT telling Dylan about the news crew b/c he does stupid stuff when he's angry!? Dude, YES, I love that she's acting independently of Dylan and reacting to his general demeanor! And double yes for Yukiko trying to stop him from attacking the camera dudes/host! Even though it's a bummer that he attacked them in the end (esp. a bummer for them!), the fact that he was trying so hard to hold himself back, and didn't end up killing them or causing them very serious bodily harm is a HUGE improvement. That's such awesome character growth! And Dylan calling Yu out for not telling people about stuff was amazing. And Nanako's talk about how Dylan's different from "Big Bro", how Dylan doesn't necessarily see the good in everyone. And the introduction of Shadow Dylan's palace! Holy crap, so much good stuff in this chapter man. Keep up the great work!
Improvements: Still don't know why everyone who knows about the murders doesn't tell the other members of the IT about it… like, now Dylan, Yu, and Naoto know. Like I mentioned above, I love that Dylan called Yu out for not trusting people, but the same applies to him and Naoto. Why don't they tell anyone?
Good: This was just a very pleasant chapter! I really love the introspection by Dylan especially, reflecting on how he used to be before he came to Inaba and met Yukiko. And the general dialogue was great. And oh my gosh, Yukiko NOT telling Dylan about the news crew b/c he does stupid stuff when he's angry!? Dude, YES, I love that she's acting independently of Dylan and reacting to his general demeanor! And double yes for Yukiko trying to stop him from attacking the camera dudes/host! Even though it's a bummer that he attacked them in the end (esp. a bummer for them!), the fact that he was trying so hard to hold himself back, and didn't end up killing them or causing them very serious bodily harm is a HUGE improvement. That's such awesome character growth! And Dylan calling Yu out for not telling people about stuff was amazing. And Nanako's talk about how Dylan's different from "Big Bro", how Dylan doesn't necessarily see the good in everyone. And the introduction of Shadow Dylan's palace! Holy crap, so much good stuff in this chapter man. Keep up the great work!
Improvements: Still don't know why everyone who knows about the murders doesn't tell the other members of the IT about it… like, now Dylan, Yu, and Naoto know. Like I mentioned above, I love that Dylan called Yu out for not trusting people, but the same applies to him and Naoto. Why don't they tell anyone?
4/17/2018 c124 afterados
Good: Dang a lot happened there! Good on you for getting through all that in one chapter, that’s crazy. Also cool to see Takeru’s an emancipated minor now, good for him!
Improvements: It makes sense since there was so much here, but this chapter still ran a little long. I think some parts could’ve been cut out. Also, now that Naoto knows about the killer, I'm hoping that something more will be done about it! And last, I find it odd that Dojima’s so ok with Yu’s future knowledge and just accepts it without question, I'd guess that a detective would be more suspicious, even though he thinks Yu is trustworthy.
Good: Dang a lot happened there! Good on you for getting through all that in one chapter, that’s crazy. Also cool to see Takeru’s an emancipated minor now, good for him!
Improvements: It makes sense since there was so much here, but this chapter still ran a little long. I think some parts could’ve been cut out. Also, now that Naoto knows about the killer, I'm hoping that something more will be done about it! And last, I find it odd that Dojima’s so ok with Yu’s future knowledge and just accepts it without question, I'd guess that a detective would be more suspicious, even though he thinks Yu is trustworthy.
4/17/2018 c123 afterados
Good: Good dialogue throughout! With the IT at the start and Persona 2(?) team near the end. And awesome idea with the papillon heart implant/replacement thing! Neat way to tie in P3 to P4. Hahaha and even Shadow Dylan is a dork! I guess of course, but still, very entertaining to see his rendition of a while new world.
Improvements: Wait, why exactly did they have to close the group date café? What does “things have gotten out of it” mean? And while I think the papillon heart replacement thing is /awesome/, I don’t know why they would do that when the easier solution would seem to be just not letting him die at all… especially since so much has changed about this timeline already. (And has future dylan been there for a while, or is this the first time we’re hearing about him? Not sure if this is an actual improvement note, or if I'm just forgetting!)
Good: Good dialogue throughout! With the IT at the start and Persona 2(?) team near the end. And awesome idea with the papillon heart implant/replacement thing! Neat way to tie in P3 to P4. Hahaha and even Shadow Dylan is a dork! I guess of course, but still, very entertaining to see his rendition of a while new world.
Improvements: Wait, why exactly did they have to close the group date café? What does “things have gotten out of it” mean? And while I think the papillon heart replacement thing is /awesome/, I don’t know why they would do that when the easier solution would seem to be just not letting him die at all… especially since so much has changed about this timeline already. (And has future dylan been there for a while, or is this the first time we’re hearing about him? Not sure if this is an actual improvement note, or if I'm just forgetting!)
4/17/2018 c122 afterados
Good: Cool intro to the Phantom Thief! I'd love to see why he started the Phantom Thief thing so early in this universe. Dylan’s reactions for all the group date stuff are also great! Also also, cute steve/rise scene at the riverbank. And I like the character development on Yosuke with admitting how uncomfortable he felt with Kanji and gay people generally!
Improvements: Ok, dude, NO WAY are they gonna allow Kashiwagi, a TEACHER, into the beauty pageant. Also still seems odd to me that Adachi’s grown a bit of a conscience now, but hey it is cool to see him have some redeemable qualities (if only a few)!
Good: Cool intro to the Phantom Thief! I'd love to see why he started the Phantom Thief thing so early in this universe. Dylan’s reactions for all the group date stuff are also great! Also also, cute steve/rise scene at the riverbank. And I like the character development on Yosuke with admitting how uncomfortable he felt with Kanji and gay people generally!
Improvements: Ok, dude, NO WAY are they gonna allow Kashiwagi, a TEACHER, into the beauty pageant. Also still seems odd to me that Adachi’s grown a bit of a conscience now, but hey it is cool to see him have some redeemable qualities (if only a few)!
4/17/2018 c121 afterados
Good: Dig seeing some of Teddie’s backstory! Its great that Dylan’s fighting FOR takeru now (but still, just, why so violent?).
Improvements: One quick note, Yukiko sighs 3 times right in a row when talking about the culture festival… which totally makes sense since Dylan’s being such a dork, but I think you should use slightly different lines than just “Yukiko sighed.”
Also, Dylan knows who the culprit is now… even if Yu wont say anything because of some time travel thing, wouldn’t Dylan want to say something now that the killer has outright threatened them? And wait, did they all just come to the conclusion that Adachi’s the killer? How, and then why don’t they do anything about it?!
Good: Dig seeing some of Teddie’s backstory! Its great that Dylan’s fighting FOR takeru now (but still, just, why so violent?).
Improvements: One quick note, Yukiko sighs 3 times right in a row when talking about the culture festival… which totally makes sense since Dylan’s being such a dork, but I think you should use slightly different lines than just “Yukiko sighed.”
Also, Dylan knows who the culprit is now… even if Yu wont say anything because of some time travel thing, wouldn’t Dylan want to say something now that the killer has outright threatened them? And wait, did they all just come to the conclusion that Adachi’s the killer? How, and then why don’t they do anything about it?!
4/17/2018 c120 afterados
Good: Hell yeah, character development for Takeru, that’s freaking awesome! I do like the letters, but I'm wondering if Yu and Dylan will finally tell the others that they know who the killer is now?
Improvements: None, keep it up!
Good: Hell yeah, character development for Takeru, that’s freaking awesome! I do like the letters, but I'm wondering if Yu and Dylan will finally tell the others that they know who the killer is now?
Improvements: None, keep it up!
4/17/2018 c119 afterados
Good: The interactions between everyone at the start of the chapter are awesome! And I do like the tension with everyone and Dojima about his sudden obsession with finding chisato’s killer now that there’s been another incident. And I love Rob’s character, something about his carefree nature and the fact that he’s happily married is just so awesome to me. I also like that everyone found nanako so quickly!
Improvements: More foreshadowing about this plot point (dojima becoming obsessed with finding Chisato’s killer) before it became a major plot point would’ve been cool imo. But generally no real problems!
Good: The interactions between everyone at the start of the chapter are awesome! And I do like the tension with everyone and Dojima about his sudden obsession with finding chisato’s killer now that there’s been another incident. And I love Rob’s character, something about his carefree nature and the fact that he’s happily married is just so awesome to me. I also like that everyone found nanako so quickly!
Improvements: More foreshadowing about this plot point (dojima becoming obsessed with finding Chisato’s killer) before it became a major plot point would’ve been cool imo. But generally no real problems!
4/17/2018 c169 RosyMiranto18
Sighs... okay, first i wonder what powderkeg is *googling* Powder keg is a barrel of gunpowder; however, it is also a methaporical term for a region that political, socioeconomic, historical, or other circumstances have made prone to outbursts. I see, now let's see what or who is the powder keg here, considering that this chapter is very short. (Although my current source of upset is my internet connection being error again, preventing me for accessing fanfiction on the site or... anything else) Also, don't worry about dragging this arc for too long, that's okay. So, without further ado...
1. I don't know why, but somehow i was half-expecting Dylan and Yukiko to have... a Pre-climax Climax. But i guess maybe Yukiko's still too upset to do it considering Dylan's reckless decision earlier *shrugs*
2. Hm... i didn't expect that the Tenmyouji-Wae Alliance also doesn't like the idea of this 'Final Showdown' thing. Now i wonder whether Isshaku going to be punished (or at least getting lectured) for it.
3. Hm... i doubt Katsumoto will be harmed in any way physically in the aftermath of this act even without his bodyguards. Considering that the 'final boss' here is Isshaku and Katsumoto is mostly operating behind the screen.
4. To be honest, Yuu and Dylan is too reckless to still discussing things anywhere in the school while the yakuzas are roaming everywhere. Even if it's their usual spot when discussing about the investigation.
5a. Yep, i'm sure Isshaku wouldn't fight fairly, no matter if it's involving weapons or additional numbers. Be sure to carry your axe, Dylan, just in case.
b. Oh, if burning the bar is what you thinking, Dylan. I'm starting to think about Incident of Honnouji (ironically, Tenmyouji and Honnouji shares the last kanji, which means 'templeNow i hope someone channeling Nobunaga's famous last words, "Zehi mo Nashi..." or "So it goes..." before the fight started, which reminds me to this scene: httpsyoutu . be/u3vk4EryF3U (wait until 3:07 to see what i mean)
c. Hm... now i wonder what is "something else" that Dylan meant.
d. Oops, it seems Dylan is correct; well, at least Isshaku is only reenacting Honnouji and not preparing for any 'backup'.
I guess that's everything for thee review. Considering how Honnouji the situation is, i better play Samurai Warriors 4's Destiny for this. Well, Keep Update!
P.S.: If you want to know what Destiny is, you can hear it here: httpsyoutu . be/ae95tI-GMg4
Sighs... okay, first i wonder what powderkeg is *googling* Powder keg is a barrel of gunpowder; however, it is also a methaporical term for a region that political, socioeconomic, historical, or other circumstances have made prone to outbursts. I see, now let's see what or who is the powder keg here, considering that this chapter is very short. (Although my current source of upset is my internet connection being error again, preventing me for accessing fanfiction on the site or... anything else) Also, don't worry about dragging this arc for too long, that's okay. So, without further ado...
1. I don't know why, but somehow i was half-expecting Dylan and Yukiko to have... a Pre-climax Climax. But i guess maybe Yukiko's still too upset to do it considering Dylan's reckless decision earlier *shrugs*
2. Hm... i didn't expect that the Tenmyouji-Wae Alliance also doesn't like the idea of this 'Final Showdown' thing. Now i wonder whether Isshaku going to be punished (or at least getting lectured) for it.
3. Hm... i doubt Katsumoto will be harmed in any way physically in the aftermath of this act even without his bodyguards. Considering that the 'final boss' here is Isshaku and Katsumoto is mostly operating behind the screen.
4. To be honest, Yuu and Dylan is too reckless to still discussing things anywhere in the school while the yakuzas are roaming everywhere. Even if it's their usual spot when discussing about the investigation.
5a. Yep, i'm sure Isshaku wouldn't fight fairly, no matter if it's involving weapons or additional numbers. Be sure to carry your axe, Dylan, just in case.
b. Oh, if burning the bar is what you thinking, Dylan. I'm starting to think about Incident of Honnouji (ironically, Tenmyouji and Honnouji shares the last kanji, which means 'templeNow i hope someone channeling Nobunaga's famous last words, "Zehi mo Nashi..." or "So it goes..." before the fight started, which reminds me to this scene: httpsyoutu . be/u3vk4EryF3U (wait until 3:07 to see what i mean)
c. Hm... now i wonder what is "something else" that Dylan meant.
d. Oops, it seems Dylan is correct; well, at least Isshaku is only reenacting Honnouji and not preparing for any 'backup'.
I guess that's everything for thee review. Considering how Honnouji the situation is, i better play Samurai Warriors 4's Destiny for this. Well, Keep Update!
P.S.: If you want to know what Destiny is, you can hear it here: httpsyoutu . be/ae95tI-GMg4
4/13/2018 c118 afterados
Good: Haha great line with “Yu was essentially an island of serenity”! And Dylan despairing at Yukiko knowing “some kind of Instrument.” And sassy Takeru is a great addition (“we’re off to a GREAT start so far, guys”). And chie’s “How about I hit YOU?” line… I'm gonna stop quoting you now, but suffice it to say, this chapter is filled with fantastic lines! Also, interesting plot point introduced at the end with investigating Chisato’s murder.
Improvements: Wait, why might Yosuke leave? I didn’t catch that part (apologies if it was explained elsewhere and I missed it). Also the emotional transition with Yu and Dylan at Aika’s seemed a bit too drastic to me. Also also, why can't Igor and Margaret turn back time again for yu/dylan if they don’t succeed this time? And while I do like that you went through this bit quickly for pacing, it’s a pretty big anticlimax to have the whole concert scene take up like 5 lines total.
(Final side note, not really positive of negative, but: Uhm, based on adachi’s past actions, I'm gonna have to disagree on that moral compass bit… until now, I havent seen him have any morals at all!)
Good: Haha great line with “Yu was essentially an island of serenity”! And Dylan despairing at Yukiko knowing “some kind of Instrument.” And sassy Takeru is a great addition (“we’re off to a GREAT start so far, guys”). And chie’s “How about I hit YOU?” line… I'm gonna stop quoting you now, but suffice it to say, this chapter is filled with fantastic lines! Also, interesting plot point introduced at the end with investigating Chisato’s murder.
Improvements: Wait, why might Yosuke leave? I didn’t catch that part (apologies if it was explained elsewhere and I missed it). Also the emotional transition with Yu and Dylan at Aika’s seemed a bit too drastic to me. Also also, why can't Igor and Margaret turn back time again for yu/dylan if they don’t succeed this time? And while I do like that you went through this bit quickly for pacing, it’s a pretty big anticlimax to have the whole concert scene take up like 5 lines total.
(Final side note, not really positive of negative, but: Uhm, based on adachi’s past actions, I'm gonna have to disagree on that moral compass bit… until now, I havent seen him have any morals at all!)
4/13/2018 c117 afterados
Good: Interesting idea with potential side effects of being in Mayonaka! I wonder what Katherine’s going to find. Hahaha also, I appreciate the trademark on the goho-m! And I like the quick character arc with Dylan going into mayonaka, almost dying, and then realizing why he was being so stupid.
Improvements: …er, what does Hazama know? If its just that Adachi defended his brother, I would assume that’s public record (and adachi just told him anyways). And while I like that you implemented a quick character arc with Dylan in this chapter (mentioned above)… ugh, not AGAIN with this! He just can't get it through his head to not be reckless? And while I'm glad he learned something out of it, and he wasn’t just attacking a person out of anger, it's still frustrating for me to see him do something dumb when I thought he'd already been through a major arc of character development to remedy this.
Good: Interesting idea with potential side effects of being in Mayonaka! I wonder what Katherine’s going to find. Hahaha also, I appreciate the trademark on the goho-m! And I like the quick character arc with Dylan going into mayonaka, almost dying, and then realizing why he was being so stupid.
Improvements: …er, what does Hazama know? If its just that Adachi defended his brother, I would assume that’s public record (and adachi just told him anyways). And while I like that you implemented a quick character arc with Dylan in this chapter (mentioned above)… ugh, not AGAIN with this! He just can't get it through his head to not be reckless? And while I'm glad he learned something out of it, and he wasn’t just attacking a person out of anger, it's still frustrating for me to see him do something dumb when I thought he'd already been through a major arc of character development to remedy this.
4/11/2018 c168 11JustCharles
Marie has been rescued, Yaso's principal is dead, The Killer Club is in the house, causing mayhem, the Adachi Brothers or on "Work Release..."
And Dylan is still Dylan... and that's a good thing.
I feel bad that Dylan's still bearing this burden of responsibility for Mitsuo's death. Sure, it was his Shadow, but it was also an aspect of him. Still, I agree with Yukiko. While Dylan going to jail is the noble and responsible thing to do, it's just going to be suicide to take responsibility, because there's no guarantee that the Killer Club or any other enemy of Dylan or Gregory would only kill Dylan and not go after anyone else. Especially since the Killer Club IS planning on going after everyone else.
I like how Yu and Dylan are gathering all the major schools in the area to deal with the Killer Club, because it seems that if our heroes fail at Yasogami, the Tenmyouji family will be heavily recruiting for members... Or maybe just kill anyone who resists.
I can't wait to see what happens next, though, but I hope that at least Tohru Adachi will be there in the clutch.
11JustCharlesMarie has been rescued, Yaso's principal is dead, The Killer Club is in the house, causing mayhem, the Adachi Brothers or on "Work Release..."
And Dylan is still Dylan... and that's a good thing.
I feel bad that Dylan's still bearing this burden of responsibility for Mitsuo's death. Sure, it was his Shadow, but it was also an aspect of him. Still, I agree with Yukiko. While Dylan going to jail is the noble and responsible thing to do, it's just going to be suicide to take responsibility, because there's no guarantee that the Killer Club or any other enemy of Dylan or Gregory would only kill Dylan and not go after anyone else. Especially since the Killer Club IS planning on going after everyone else.
I like how Yu and Dylan are gathering all the major schools in the area to deal with the Killer Club, because it seems that if our heroes fail at Yasogami, the Tenmyouji family will be heavily recruiting for members... Or maybe just kill anyone who resists.
I can't wait to see what happens next, though, but I hope that at least Tohru Adachi will be there in the clutch.
4/10/2018 c116 2afterados
Good: Cool idea with Takeru needing rescuing! And also very cool that Dylan’s showing some remorse and character development by rescuing Takeru, that is awesome! And the end scene where Dylan and Takeru make up has been a long time coming, and I'm so happy it finally happened. It could’ve been a bit longer, considering how much bad blood those two used to have… but I really like it as it stands regardless.
Improvements: How did they know Takeru is in the TV? Did someone see him on the midnight channel the previous night? It seemed like at the end of the last chapter Dylan DIDN’T see anyone on the midnight channel, is that wrong? Also, when Yukiko andDylan jump into the tv to save takeru, seems a bit silly to end the passage with a phrase that yukiko just said 3 sentences back. Also, I don’t know SMT:if, admittedly, but a bit of an intro for who Hazama is when you introduce him would be nice for people (like me) who don’t know him.
2afteradosGood: Cool idea with Takeru needing rescuing! And also very cool that Dylan’s showing some remorse and character development by rescuing Takeru, that is awesome! And the end scene where Dylan and Takeru make up has been a long time coming, and I'm so happy it finally happened. It could’ve been a bit longer, considering how much bad blood those two used to have… but I really like it as it stands regardless.
Improvements: How did they know Takeru is in the TV? Did someone see him on the midnight channel the previous night? It seemed like at the end of the last chapter Dylan DIDN’T see anyone on the midnight channel, is that wrong? Also, when Yukiko andDylan jump into the tv to save takeru, seems a bit silly to end the passage with a phrase that yukiko just said 3 sentences back. Also, I don’t know SMT:if, admittedly, but a bit of an intro for who Hazama is when you introduce him would be nice for people (like me) who don’t know him.
4/10/2018 c115 afterados
Good: Nice part with Naoto and Itomori discussing Naoto’s future, thought that was very nicely done. Also love the characterization of itomori with him being scared of Naoto’s grandfather, and liking cream and sugar with his coffee. Also, interesting development for Naoto and her family’s backstory. Oh man AND interesting bit with Takeru going to enter Mayonaka solo! Wonder what’s going to come of that (and after reading the end of the chapter, wonder if he’s alive.)
Improvements: Uh… how old is Kanami, again? Versus Travis? Now that im thinking about it, not sure about the legality here… other than that, no issues. Keep it up!
Good: Nice part with Naoto and Itomori discussing Naoto’s future, thought that was very nicely done. Also love the characterization of itomori with him being scared of Naoto’s grandfather, and liking cream and sugar with his coffee. Also, interesting development for Naoto and her family’s backstory. Oh man AND interesting bit with Takeru going to enter Mayonaka solo! Wonder what’s going to come of that (and after reading the end of the chapter, wonder if he’s alive.)
Improvements: Uh… how old is Kanami, again? Versus Travis? Now that im thinking about it, not sure about the legality here… other than that, no issues. Keep it up!