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for The Prince and the Raven

5/13/2015 c5 26BluSakura
Hey! :D It's TrixyStix from Tumblr. Aaaand I finally finished this.

First off, where do I begiiiiin?! This was immersive, poetic, and so appropriate for the source material. You are so well-researched and I love every little detail (the footnotes are super helpful and just shows how much thought and planning goes into this story).

Your turn of phrase and depth of characterization is just astounding! Each chapter is like delving into a fairytale itself. You take into account every available piece of media (manga, anime, and even the light novel, This Pendant Heart!), took apart the original story, and rebuilt it into something powerful and inspiring. The characters draw the reader in so easily and now I can hardly imagine The Prince and the Raven to go any differently.

Seriously, I wish I found this story sooner and pardon me if I keep flailing at you 8D
2/19/2015 c5 5Commander Allie
Such a beautiful and powerful story. 3 Lovely.
2/16/2015 c4 Anele Avonibur
What an engaging story! I see you use other sources for inspiration, but I have no doubt the originality of writing, which is wonderful, and pulls one in quite absorbingly, is all your own. Actually, I was reminded, to a certain extent, of Hitchcock's film "Birds" - another fascinating, although very different, story.
9/29/2014 c4 15Ranoko
Hoorah! Another wonderful chapter!
And so much happens. Wow, my goodness! It's a wonderful showing of how much things change in contrast to how they were before, and how well Siegfried and Lohengrin take it is fantastic!

I would have liked to see a bit more of a transition from peace to the conflicted portion. I mean, it goes from practicing ballet and the possible establishment of that as a routine, to an alarm being raised. Now this wouldn't be that problematic, except for the fact that both Siegfried and Lohengrin seem appraised of the situation before we get to them. I know that this portion is more in Mime's POV than we're used to, but we don't really get an easy transition that warns of that. Plus, we've been having intimacy with Lohengrin and Siegfried for most of the time before this, the sudden shift to Mime was somewhat unexpected and took a little bit to adjust to.

The way the townspeople transition from hate to love to obsession is beautiful, though. Way to focus on one little one as representative of the group's status. Especially poignant for Siegfried. And the reader. Wonderful illustrations in all this

The main other thing that bothers me, though, is Lohengrin's... attitude/experience with 'reality' in ways of sorrow and pain, awareness of its effects. If he is roughly the same age as Siegfried, and has lived in the kingdom training to be a knight, then he shouldn't have experience of actual war except in descriptions in books and descriptions of trainers, which Siegfried also has access to, yet Lohengrin seems much more aware of the possible problems which war can bring and is bringing. I understand that part of the difference in reaction is the difference in personality between Siegfried and Lohengrin, as the latter is much more realistic/pessimistic. However, 'reality' for them has held none of the sorrows and pains that typify much of the rest of the world since Siegfried's birth, and thus also much of Lohengrin's life.
Was he taught outside of the reaches of the kingdom, and simply came in and was removed from the effects after entering the kingdom? But then there are a few mentions of Lohengrin not having seen such emotions/actions in his life... if I am interpreting correctly, anyway. So... I'm getting some mixed ideas about Lohengrin's experiences/life/expectations vs. the way things have been in the kingdom. It's not terribly distracting, but it does make me question things now and then.

That said, I really love the 'intro' to ballet we get here. XD Siegfried would totally drag Lohengrin along in the study with him. It's beautiful X3
(I also find it entertaining that Siegfried doesn't seem to be affected by alcohol. XD So either his first reaction hasn't yet caught up with him, or he has a GREAT constitution. Which I wouldn't doubt. ...Entertaining implications.)

So! I look forward to the next chapter! Thank you for sharing your hard work with us all -
9/23/2014 c4 15LittleRequiem
Lovely fanfiction, I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

I think the strength of this story is how you take from a fandom and really create something new. It's powerful, beautiful and the research is thorough.
You engage the readers, you create strong and memorable characters.

I love it! :)
9/22/2014 c4 105lalalei
This is incredible. I felt like I was watching it! You really write well! :D I wonder when, exactly, the story will stop XD
8/28/2014 c3 Anele Avonibur
How very engaging! Waifine delivers a consistently captivating story, a page turner without the pages, a fairy tale that one wishes to read on, and is frustrated to have interrupted by the nature of installments. Lohengrin's transition from the active dislike, to the admiration of Siegfried, is extremely well done and totally believable, with Lohengrin's integrity unaltered, even deepened by his newly perceived understanding and appreciation of the other man's true forthrightness and rectitude. Both are winners as a result, and their friendship surely promises to blossom through other adventures and trials. For which I cannot wait!
7/28/2014 c3 22SoSaysL
Great things:
Lohengrin being no-nonsense and to the point. As I mentioned, he's a great contrast for our perfectly charming prince.
Siegfried and Lohengrin's interactions.
The ending vignette. Tells you a great deal about Siegfried.
The fairy-tale writing. Gorgeous, as usual.

Things I'd like to see more of:
Can we see a bit more of Siegfried being an all-loving hero, perhaps? We see that he waves politely to the ladies, that he risks his life for Lohengrin, but maybe a bit more characterization to cement his status as genuinely nice and pure-hearted.
A bit of transition of Lohengrin, from grumpily snarking about to steadfastly serving the prince. I'm a big fan of character development and I really like the idea and how it is done here, but spacing it out over a couple of chapters and a number of scenes, so we can see Lohengrin's character gradually evolving, makes more sense to me.

Little things here and there:
- took the horse by the bridal (should be bridle) and leading her away
- I think that "gripped into Lohengrin's arms" might be better without the "into". Stylistic thing, I think.
- became aware of each others(') schedules and each others(') locations
7/25/2014 c3 15Ranoko
Nothing to do? PAH. Protecting the Prince from himself will fix that. XD Love it
Oooo, the ending bit of this makes me grin so much! X3 I love that you used that translation, and it fits so well.
I will say that the change in Lohengrin's opinion of Siegfried seems a bit abrupt, though. I understand it was spurred by the accident/incident, but... I don't quite make the connection. Once the shift happens, the characterization is fantastic and totally appropriate. But I still don't quite see Lohengrin grasping the utter sincerity of the Prince and finally realizing its truthfulness. (it has something to do with his gloves...? That seems and important sentence but I'm not getting it w' ) I can see the growing in realization as he more fully serves (and repeatedly saves) Siegfried, but the initial change feels very sudden.
But that's really my only big nitpick plot-wise here. :3 I really like how it's all portrayed and put together, and that they go to a tavern together, fantastic! And worked out rather well, too
(oh gosh I misread the Swaying Swan as the Dying Swan at first... I was thinking 'aaahhh I see the connection but whyyyyyyyy ;w;' Makes more sense now. X3' )
Now what kind of lessons could the King still be giving Siegfried? That have to be kept secret? Is it more regarding the sword? Or just magic in general? Why would that be such a problem? Is dance involved?
Such wonderful things to look forward to resolution w Keep up the wonderful work!

Just a few spelling errors I noticed:
"explaining it to Lohengrin as though [t]he latter were stupid."
"he was [bred] from birth to take over my father's estate."
"There was no way, in this wor[l]d or the next, that Lohengrin would ever..."
7/24/2014 c3 Rose
This is really well written and the characters are amazing! I really enjoyed it! 3
7/24/2014 c3 9caffeinebeast
this story is written so well, i can't wait to read more. it's highly involved, which is nice, and you have clearly done your research on every little detail. keep writing!
7/13/2014 c2 Anele Avonibur
Truly LoveLove the story. The characters are all individual and well developed, and the context is as interesting as the content is suspenseful. Can't wait to read the following chapters. What happens to the relatively naive Prince Siegfried? His overly optimistic parents? The wicked Lady Eule? Isn't she a little old for our Prince Charming? And what's with the Swan and the Owl clans and their hatred of each other. Will it be a young Romeo and an aged Juliet? Or more complex? Surely more complex. There is a promise of great sophistication in the plot. As I had said - can't wait...
7/4/2014 c1 13Spellthief
First, let me say that I like this story a lot. But I really wasn't kidding when I warned you I could be brutal!

-There are some issues with tone. A lot of the narration has a sort of fairytale feeling to it, which I assume was intentional. The first paragraph gives a very nice atmosphere, and has a really excellent voice. But then we get lines like: "Too many, if he was honest." It's not a bad line, but it is jarring after the first paragraph. Sometimes you slip into a voice that's a little more dry and snarky, and it clashes with the fairytale feeling.

-Excessive use of ellipses. There are some places where it's necessary, like when Siegfried is repeating the oath after his father, but it should be avoided when you can convey the same meaning without using it. Instead of " '...We are listening,' King Mime answered" you should describe the pause before King Mime answers. And the description you choose to use can give a lot more flavor than just three dots-is he hesitant? thoughtful? taken aback? and so on.

-In general, you could use more description when characters are engaging in conversation. You have lovely descriptive paragraphs that set up scenes, but once characters start talking the narrative becomes very sparse.

-The storyline is sort of meandering. After two chapters, I don't have a strong sense of what the story is actually *about.* I presume, of course, that it's about the conflict between Siegfried and the Raven, but so far the story hasn't done much to set that up. There's a lot of backstory that I imagine will ultimately contribute to how their battle plays out, but there's no feeling that we're actually building up to that battle.

-On a similar note, the transitions between scenes are awkward. They feel like a series of disconnected backstory events that don't really have anything to do with each other. Part of that, I realize, is because you're trying to incorporate several separate references and allusions into a single story. It's just not coming together in a really coherent way.

-The political stuff needs to be a bit clearer. We have kings and knights and clans, but no clear idea of how all this stuff functions. How and why are people knighted, and what does it mean for them afterwards? What does it mean to be the Lady of Owl Clan? When she calls upon the king, is she presuming above her station? How much power does the king have over her? And so forth.

-There's a lot of talk of Siegfried as the prince who loves everyone. But we don't really feel it. His interactions with Lohengrin and the various other characters don't really convey this aspect of this personality. There should be more showing and less telling on this one.

Now for the good stuff: When you do the fairytale narration right, you do it REALLY right. It's gorgeous. The various historical and mythological references are very nicely done. And your various OCs all have very clear and distinct personalities. Honestly, I've really enjoyed your fic so far.
7/2/2014 c2 15Ranoko
Yes. Lohengrin. Fantastic characterization. Perfectly acceptable/compliant yet still off-putting. But that doesn't dissuade the Prince. XD (just... gives him pause. And confusion. Entertainingly.)
Oooh my gosh, the placement/symbolism of swallowing the wine... Beautiful.
I love the spell/chant/incantation for the sword! I was wondering about that... Although it does bring up interesting questions as to how Fakir was able to wake/power it up, if this is something only the royal family can do. Unless they're the only ones who can do it because they're the only ones who know how. But then there's possibilities for the future of bequeathing responsibilities... I look forward to seeing which way this goes. 3
And... and that last line. Heh. It makes me smile and cringe all at the same time. With a pang in my heart. Lady Eule is fantastic, as is her entourage. We'll see what else she will be involved in...
(... and I have my suspicions about that owl. Namesake or not, I wonder...)
7/1/2014 c2 22SoSaysL
I have to say, I'm rather impressed with your thorough research for this project. All the details are used elegantly, and are effective in conveying the setting of a fairytale. Surly Lohengrin is characterized well, with potential for further character development later on, and the contrast between him and the prince becomes cut in clear relief. I especially enjoyed Mime instructing his son in shattering one's own heart - it breaths life into the anime's 'The prince shattered his heart' statement so that it becomes an act with meaning, power, and history. It is interesting that your interpretation of this forbidden power comes from Fakir's ritual in the anime - also, somewhat relieving in that it is not too literal.

A very tiny nitpick - midway through, I think you missed an e on the end of forbade when Mime says, "Our ancestors forbade the use of it." And, later, during the confrontation with Eule, the queen should say, "We have all -been- extremely well."

Again, you succeed in maintaining the fairytale atmosphere. Lady Eule is perhaps too convenient an appearance of possible 'darkness,' yet the exchanges between her and the king and queen draw a possible parallel to another fairytale - specifically Sleeping Beauty. Her last line is perfect, and leaves the reader wondering at the extent of Lady Eule's knowledge.
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