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for The Al Bhed Joins the Galaxy at Large

7/21/2020 c2 53Death Fury
nice chapter
7/21/2020 c1 Death Fury
pretty good
6/10/2014 c1 10Noodlehammer
I'm honestly not sure what to say to this :P.

I'm reasonably familiar with Star Wars, but this timeline thing was just plain confusing. I have no idea whether this race you've written about is completely fan made or if you imported it from somewhere, so an explanation on that would have been very helpful.

Other than that, the only thing I can say is that most readers will likely be put off by the dry listing of facts for a race of people that they've probably never heard of before, which would likely make them drop it before even getting to the bottom of the page.

It has potential of course, but a textbook listing of facts is probably going to be a huge turn off for readers, especially those who came for something emotionally gripping. There is a reason why textbooks are considered sleep inducing xD.
6/9/2014 c1 13PlaguedAmbition
Heya Zomvee, first up I just want to say that I am not familiar with like half the stuff in here sooo... but from what I can tell your writing is looking pretty good mate, dot point timelines are not a 'huge' hit with people though. Readers want to feel emotions, not numbers and things, while it is okay for setting a timeline, it is not the best thing to have running down a page.

A paragraph or so explaining what the Al Bhed are might be helpful, I don't know if they are a race from the Star Wars universe or a fan made race. Like I said, I am not a full 'Star Head' and many things may have been lost on me.

But like I also said, your basic structure looks good, and I welcome you to the community with the rest of us! I look forward to seeing how this progresses.
6/6/2014 c1 5Lightimus
Well I would like to welcome you to the fanfiction community! Thanks for leaving a review on my story and I'm flattered that you asked me to review yours. I don't know how helpful I'll be since I'm a third rate author at best but I'll try my best. First i would like to point out that this story targets a very specific location story wise so not many readers are going to understand the setting, background, and storyboard without a paragraph or two of exposition. Another thing would be to try use a different plot progression other than listed dates since readers enjoy following characters more than points in time. I encourage you to continue writing though! It's a great hoppy to have!

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