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for melani the digidestined

7/31/2014 c1 Miles Montgomery
Warning, this may be a bit harsh, but it's to help you grow as a writer. I mean no offense by anything I say and am only trying to help you develop to become a better writer. With that said:

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down. The point of a story is to tell it, give details, let us imagine the story and be swept away. You skip description and a whole lot of story.
Davis and OC becoming a couple, ok. But without any cause to back it up? Where's the juicy details? How does he fall for her when he has a crush on Kairi?
This reads more like a summary than a story.
When the MC breaks her arm and her leg, we don't care, because we don't know her. There's no character personality or development.
I think this could be an interesting story, but you can't skip the actual story. You have to build it up from the bottom up, not just throw it together and hope it doesn't fall over like a Jenga game. Go back, introduce the MC to us through story, not by telling. What's she like? What's her dreams, her ambition, what drives her? How does she fit in with the group? How does she manage to become one of them? What is it about her that makes her invaluable to the group? You have to answer all these in the course of a story, and trust me, it can take a long time.
Hopefully this helps. Good luck in starting your writing career.
6/10/2014 c1 6Animegirl257
...*sigh* ok, where to start without totally turning you off to advise, even if you'll probably ignore this anyway? Well, overall impression; you need to seriously study the basic structure of a story, grammar, and English in general.

Just from reading this I can tell you are younger, so I won't say too much. First of all; the obvious self-insert. Just...no. This is obvious since she is the only one who gets a description, and while yes, you can skimp on descriptions for established characters, even Pyromon receives no description whatsoever. Of course, this works against her even more since her outfit, to put it simply, sounds ugly as hell. All reds, oranges, and pinks, with nothing like white, black, or other colors to mediate it, so at best she sounds like a sunset threw up on her.

Next, characterization. You've just decided to pretend that Davis isn't in love with Kari just for the sake of paring him with your OC. They 'fall in love' in a matter of minutes to the point they're confessing feelings. And if you claim it's romantic like Romeo and Juliet, I will laugh in your face, because clearly you have not read the same Romeo and Juliet I have, since that story is about shallow lust and not love.

Your drama also falls flat at best, and is cringe or face-palm worthy at best. When Davis is crying and asking if she's dead, why doesn't he check if she's breathing or if she has, oh I don't know, a damn heartbeat? Broken arms and legs don't kill right off the bat, and he plays sports so he should know this! Also, what the heck happened to the other Digidestened? We hardly see anyone besides Davis and during the attack (by Cherubimon, just...why?) they do nothing, even after the fact!

Now, since there is so much long with this story, I'll just start small with something basic that can be fixed in a matter of minutes. All lines of dialogue need " around the, but there should not be spaces between " and the text. A good rule of thumb is to have each new line of dialogue on a separate line.

"So, dialogue should look like this 24/7."

"These lines make things look neater," and make your story less cluttered.

Overall this just seems like a fantasy fulfillment story, and not a good one. It's cliche and even your self-insert amounts to a damsel-in-distress to be saved by the big-strong man she just met, and they fall in love after 5 minutes with no real chemistry. But since it's clear that you're young, I won't harp on this anymore than I have, because believe me, I could go on all day about this story.

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