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for A Second Chance (Vulpix TF)

12/30/2018 c1 Guest
good story amd i mean it just in case you think thats sarcasm
7/26/2018 c1 Guest
Thanks for the read.
3/14/2017 c1 FoxJosh1
the plot is a little fast, and you made a few grammar mistakes, but other than that, it is a good story.
4/29/2016 c1 Calvire
Great story, just slow down the plot a bit and it'd be perfect.
5/3/2015 c1 avior97
Please add more
3/8/2015 c1 Shadow4Eva
ha!, 'awkward vist'? I've had waaaaay worse
2/8/2015 c1 Jay
Damn it just when I thought it would have family awkwardness...
7/16/2014 c1 The book critic
Hello, I'm the book critic. I criticize every pokemon book I read on fanfic.
And let me just say:
Yours was SOO cute! I love vulpix!
Thank you for writing this very enjoyable one shot

-the book critic
7/6/2014 c1 4Tanon
I mostly agree with everything dragons790 said - the DNA thing is probably the most striking thing seeing as it's a lot smoother to the flow of the story to just say that the Ninetales has the ability to transform people (seeing I'm pretty sure that's canon anyway?). By delving into DNA it just detracts from the story since most of us know DNA doesn't work like that.

Apart from that, I have a few qualms of my own:

1. The pacing of the story is too quick. The parenting issues that Kiara suffered from weren't elaborated on at all; you simply stated that she didn't receive much attention from her parents and that was that. This trend continues for the entire fic and is especially prevalent in the last paragraph of the fic. The characters seem flat and one-dimensional because you've barely given them any fleshing out. The ending stands out as especially lazy. You basically said that everything was going to be correct and left it at that.

2. The narration was a bit shonky. A lot of that can be fixed with grammar/spelling checks, but another tip is to narrate in past tense. You're telling a story, which implies it has already happened. Setting something in present tense is jarring, especially when you ended the fic with 'And so...', because you've just slipped back out of present tense.

3. Unnecessary information. You had too many auxiliary characters in this fic (Kiara ended the fic with EIGHT friends!) that do nothing for the story except clutter it up with words that could have been put to better use in filling out the characters that did matter (Vivi, Kiara, and maybe even the Litleo and Talonflame). The news report at the end is another example of this. I get that you wanted to fill in space so you could answer the question of how Vivi got in in the first place, but you could have addressed that on the spot or just skipped the question entirely. By bringing the matter up in such a blatant fashion, you distract from the actual story since now the reader shifts focus back to the moment in question. Better to patch things up pre-emptively instead of doing a 'by the way'. Also, the shiny thing wasn't needed, but at least you didn't harp on about it too much.

All in all, it's a cute story, but you've got a lot to work on.
6/21/2014 c1 pokeblog
this was a great story it was very cute and had a meaning to it you did a great job :3
6/12/2014 c1 4The Trumpet's Call Sounds
Well that esclated quickly. Either way, good story.
6/12/2014 c1 2periodical-ninjask
This is okay with a few issues.

Near the beginning, there are a lot of random capitalizations, enough to consider annoying.

There's no reason for the ninetails to be shiny. It's a detail that looks sueish and provides nothing to the story.

Don't try to explain the transformation with DNA: it doesn't fit when your only reason for a ninetails being able to change it is because they can.

There's little explanation as to why Kiara's change into pokemon form helps her relationship with her parents. Sure there's the promise, but now they can ignore her even more in their work because of her new friends and bonding with Vivi.

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