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for Spirited Away: This Isn't How It's Supposed To End!

5/18/2018 c1 silentfeather123
Please updateee im actually dyingg
9/1/2017 c17 dv36muskan
Oh, come on! You don't leave it at a cliffhanger like that and then not update for like 2 years! This is torture!
Please do update this story soon!
5/30/2017 c14 Guest
Luv your story! I totally caught that polar express Easter egg!️
5/2/2017 c17 9Darklight-phoenix
I know it's been a while, But I am waiting ever so patiently for the next chapter ;)
4/22/2017 c1 2Nuker850
It's MEEEEEEEEE, I found you))))
12/7/2016 c16 Guest
6/26/2016 c17 Tori
Waking up?! Wow I can't wait till the next chapter. When are you gonna post it?
11/25/2015 c17 Olive
OMG This chapter was so intense! You are an AMAZING writer! The only "criticism" I have is that I think you should use more speech words. Instead of saying "said", "cried", "answered". I know that you actually did use a lot of words, but I just think you should include more advanced vocabulary. Anyways, I can't wait for the next chapter!
7/14/2015 c16 31DreamerAtDawn
6/5/2015 c3 18morninwarri0r
From what I've read so far, I have quite a few things to point out.


I think the characters are fine, the interactions between Chihiro and Haku are pretty cute and her bashfulness fits with her age and her personality. Kamaji and Lin are also quite well presented, so kudos to you on that. :)

Plot: Can't say much yet, since this is only the beginning.


I won't comment on the grammatical side of things, since you have your betas for that.

I can see the effort put into description of settings and the characters' emotions, which is good. But something you could try putting into practice would be reminding yourself to show, not tell. A cliche saying, but essential in capturing emotion and attention in your writing. Instead of telling me that Yubaba is angry, for example, show me what she's doing so I can tell that she's angry without needing an explicit explanation for it. Maybe she's tapping her foot impatiently on the floor, or storming around so much that her hair is in a mess. Build up on your vocabulary for this and also, avoid repetition of words like "chaos" and "blush".

Another thing I found was that a lot of the sentences were very choppy and this disrupts the flow of the story. It's a matter of practice for this, I guess. For example, in your first paragraph for this chapter, you could add more description into each line, like so: "When they stepped out of the elevator, the only thing they registered was the utter chaos erupting within the bathhouse. The bathhouse workers were all running amok like wild chickens. Some were tugging on the roots of their hair, others were forming groups and offering prayers to the ancient gods for divine protection. They were creating so much commotion that no one could hear the foreman's orders." With longer sentences, your story can flow better, but that being said, not all sentences should be too long because it can end up being very confusing. Practice will help you learn how to strike a balance.

One more thing: You should introduce the delegates at different points in the story, not all at once, or it may confuse the readers, and you should never do it in an author's note. It gives the impression that the writer is too lazy to give descriptions in the actual story, which I'm sure isn't the case at all.

Wow, long review. Sorry if I sound a little too harsh anywhere, because I promise I didn't mean it :)
5/20/2015 c1 LaviLoverUntilTheEnd
Neeeed Moore
5/12/2015 c1 Neb
Interesting start ! I've never wondered what would've happen if Chihiro failed Yubaba's test, but now I'm really curious to know what's gonna happen next ! I hope Chihiro's parents are not gonna get eaten, but who knows what you have in store for the story ! Great start anyway, the narration is good and everyone is in character :)
5/10/2015 c1 2BiancaofRavenclaw
Great story.I ship them.
5/1/2015 c16 2Stardustinmyeyes12
Well fuckerface!
3/21/2015 c15 JunJun
Like your story! Can't wait for more! ;-)
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