Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Girl Talk

7/31/2014 c1 93Ace Trainer Ritchie
Hiya. It kind of felt odd that you were reading my story without that much canon knowledge, and I haven't, so here I am now.

Positives

Dialogue: It just seemed so real to me. I could understand Audrey perfectly, just from what you wrote for her dialogue. I got how she felt about her job and what they expected of her. It just seemed real to me. She wasn't the stereotypical news reporter that you know, seems to be in it for more for the looks than the job. And Elsie's dialogue was well-written too. She came off to me as tomboyish and someone who really doesn't care much about looks. And I'm not going to say much about Monique because I just didn't like her.

Ending: The only problem with this is the line you ended off with - I felt like the last two lines could be switched, since that was the more memorial thing towards the end. But going with that line - yes it makes sense and it works. You said how she wanted to tell her producers off, but was afraid that she probably couldn't do it right, because she was unable to face Elsie fearlessly. It just tied up what she said, you know?

SPaG: I only spotted one error, and that was an accident with a word. Here:

[we'll safe twelve miles of driving] I think you meant save. Other than that, nothing as far as I can see.

Characters: Do I even need to touch upon this? The only character I really couldn't feel for was Monique, and that's just because I generally don't like people like her. But Elsie and Audrey, they were solid. I got them without you having to drone on and on about their characters. Elsie likes to read, and Audrey seems to care less about her looks than what it would actually seem like. The only reason why she cares is because she wants to keep her job. (Though, she is questioning why she has to dress like this.)

Neutrals

Opening: It didn't really do much for me. While this is a mundane piece, I just didn't get intrigued by it. Well, it is a mundane piece, right? Shouldn't be too exciting. Anyways, it does paint a picture of what's going on, so that's always a good thing.

Anyways, I have to say that I enjoyed this piece, despite being fandom blind. It was well written and served the purpose of what it was supposed to be - just two girls talking, which leads to something more. Well, that's all I have to say for this piece. Later!
7/15/2014 c1 148Jason M. Lee
Not bad! I like how you kept Audrey in character in here as well all three women's interactions with each other. As for their conversation, it's a good one.

I think Audrey's a bit stronger to be able to stand up for herself, but maybe when she gains a bit more confidence. :) Although considering the amount of kaiju she and Animal practically face half the time they meet up/run into H.E.A.T., I'm surprised she hasn't developed some nerves of steel yet. ;)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service