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6/8/2020 c1 Guest
Oh, it's so good. You a brilliant author!
9/12/2017 c1 7soundoftragedy
i love you for this fic, but i also hate your guts for making me cry again
keep writing! xx
7/29/2017 c1 8Lustiel's Journal
A difficult read emotionally. Wonderful analysis. Thank you for this, even though I'm a little heart-broken.
5/31/2016 c1 4cfccfc
I feel Sam's pain and frustration, you described it so well. What a gut-wrenching approach to explaining the brother/parent/brother dynamic. Well done, Freya. Thanks for sharing.
3/16/2015 c1 Mizpah1931
My SPN sis and beta recommended this fic to me ages ago...holy crap! July last year, as a matter of fact! I kept the email, always meaning to get back to it and read it. Tonight I did, just thinking to skim through, killing time while I cooked dinner.

But I found myself becoming very quickly hooked, not just by the intriguing subject matter – I mean, how the hell does one explain the life of a Winchester to a civilian after all, even if he is a trained psychologist? – but also by the time-stamp of the fic and the opening paragraphs of the story.

It was such a horrible time for both brothers. Sam feeling the ultimate betrayal – being willing to die, only to come back at Dean’s urging, to find he’d been tricked into being possessed...again. And also finding out that while in possession, the entity had used Sam’s body to take another’s life...again. The crushing guilt added to an already overwhelming load of guilt...it’s a wonder he’s actually still sane.

And Dean, willingly betraying said little brother’s trust in a last-ditch effort to save Sam’s life, all the while knowing that somewhere down the track the truth was bound to come out, and the repercussions would undoubtedly rip both brothers to shreds.

No wonder they shattered.

I have to admit, when Sam told Dean he wouldn’t die for him, I could see his reasons, even while I was practically gasping for breath at the stricken look on Dean’s face. I actually burbled on about it on LJ, surprisingly enough. I usually stick to writing fics, not episode dissertations. But I hurt for Sam, struggling to find some shred of self-worth, fighting for his right to determine his own destiny after a lifetime of being merely a pawn of both Heaven and Hell. And I hurt for Dean, because I knew that Dean wouldn’t understand what Sam had been trying to say. What Dean heard was that Sam didn’t care as much about him as he cared for Sam.

And that is so not true.

I love what you have done here with this story. You have captured the anguish of Sam, the eternal little brother, trying to rationalise his feelings of resentment alongside his feelings of guilt, struggling to explain to a stranger the complex set of problems and virtues that is his big brother. I love his determination to shield the man from the realities of their shocking existence, lest he be judged completely off his banana and locked up in a padded cell.

And his battle to come to grips with his own confused and convoluted thoughts about how he would like things to be. The love and anger he feels towards Dean and the choices Dean has made which have made Sam feel he is locked in a downward spiral of shame, hurt and betrayal.

This line really nailed it for me: “Since Gadreel had been expelled, he’d hung, twisted and kicking, in this same defeated place: caught between silence, spilling out painful truths that would wound Dean, and surrender that would obliterate what little sense of self he had left.”

I could feel my own throat tightening during the session with Brian. (even though I’ve always thought of myself as a Dean girl, Sam’s tears get to me every time...) I could sense Sam’s titanic struggle to articulate his thoughts and feelings as to what he didn’t want to happen. And I ached for him floundering along in the wake of Brian’s request to describe what he did want to happen.
It was so very easy to picture Sam sequestering himself away in the privacy of that Spartan room of his, and pouring out all his confused thoughts and feelings into a journal.

And then at the end, when it was too late to tell Dean what he had finally sorted out during those months of mental anguish, I could feel myself crying right along with him, aching at the loss not just of his beloved brother, but of the opportunity to tell Dean what was truly in his heart – to assure his hero that Dean had heard wrong those few months before.

Sam’s desperation leaped off the page, as did his confusion, his sorrow and near-panic over the situation he’d found himself in, and his need to have things resolved, not just in his own head but between himself and Dean as well. You painted such a vivid word-picture, I could see it unfolding in my mind as if it was playing on my computer screen in full sound and colour. It was truly a wonderful, wonderful read, and I seriously don’t think I’ve done it justice here in this review. I'm just sorry it took me so damned long to get to it in the first place. I've denied myself an absolute treat here. But it will be getting downloaded to my trusty e-reader to be drooled over at leisure, again and again and again, I assure you.

I thank you for taking note of this plot bunny, and drawing it to its fullest potential. Long may you tinker.

Jules (Mizpah)
1/10/2015 c1 67LilyBolt
This is one of the single best pieces of Supernatural fanfiction I have ever read ever before. You delved so deeply, thoroughly, and BEAUTIFULLY into the relationship that Sam and Dean share as brothers, and you did so in such a succinct way. Under the condition that it was a single fifty minute long therapy session, you were given the constraint of no great length to explore the fine details of who these boys are, and yet you still managed to cover so many of the details that I am amazed. I think my favorite thing about this though was not just how well you described their relationship, but how you let Sam expand upon it all on his own toward the end, only to run out of time just before it was too late. I cried. I literally cried for him. And now, forevermore, this story is my headcanon. I will cry a thousand times more strongly each time I re-watch "Do You Believe In Miracles", because now I will be seeing Sam's grief on a whole new level. Not just his remorse for the loss, or for the general fact that their relationship was a mess when Dean "died"... But Sam's pain at knowing he was SO CLOSE to getting there. To fixing things. And it all fell apart just when he might have gotten it right. *sobs* Thank you for this AMAZING story. I truly loved it- every word.

P.S. My very favorite section was when Sam realized Dean was afraid to let Sam go at the end of that third Hell trial in part because when it all started, Sam was so determined to live, and Dean was scared that Sam had simply become depressed under the weight of the task, and that Sam wouldn't really want death as much as he claimed he did. I certainly agree that's how Dean felt, and it was awesome to see you catch onto that and articulate it so well. :)
11/22/2014 c1 7NoilyPrat
I was right - this is definitely worth the read.

You did GREAT. Must have some background with the way you dealt with the therapy. You can't just fake that stuff. And it would make some amount of sense, because Sam did come back to Dean, in a way, to try to work things out. Why wouldn't he, if he had some 'help' with this?

Will read anything you post. It'll be worth it.
10/19/2014 c1 67CornishGirl
Oh, this is wonderful! You've explored the whole dysfunctional dynamic very well. Good introspection, and you let us see Sam's angst, which is usually unspoken. Nicely done.
10/19/2014 c1 43Von
Wow, that was so depressing. :P :D
10/17/2014 c1 Guest
Love this so much. Thanks for giving us such a thoughtful glimpse into Sam's head during this past season.
10/11/2014 c1 4Lewlou15
This was possible the most in depth look at the brothers that I've ever read. It's so amazing that I have no words to say just how amazing it is.

Just... Well done.
9/3/2014 c1 82Zana Zira
I read this on LJ and recognized it from the first paragraph. Love this! And now I know you're on FF too, so I can follow your entries here. :)
8/21/2014 c1 grea8read
This was great.
I thought you did an excellent job with the therapy session, with the thoughts of Sam and Brian.
You easily pull the reader in and keep us there until the end.
Great job, just great.
8/10/2014 c1 zekeschance
I have no words for what I think and feel about this story. But I'll try...it was riveting, gut clenching , introspective and tear jerking. Loved, loved Doc Brian. Would love to see you write with him again. But you really got into Sam's head and heart and brought it all out. That's exactly how I thought Sam was feeling also after I had time to think after he said those hurtful things to Dean. And you brought out all of Sam's feelings along with Dean's too. You really know how to dig deep and explore this relationship and I love it! Please give us more!
7/21/2014 c1 The.Farabees
I needed this SO BADLY. The way the writers dropped this awful fight on us and then did NOTHING with it just gutted me. Thanks!
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