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4/5/2016 c7 Dracoessa
Meaning 11am.
4/5/2016 c2 Dracoessa
Typical tartness ero-sensei.
12/3/2015 c10 Dracoessa
That is a head turner.
4/29/2015 c11 Guest
Tnks i love your story.

And dont worry i will wait it.

;) l l
U
1/21/2015 c10 lavanderbunny
Holy Fudge! Emori KNOWS Zabuza!
1/20/2015 c10 Hallow135
i like how you write but can u make it a little bit longer please
8/18/2014 c7 Dark Prime0
now it's looking like a real story with a nice flow, no rushing and nicely fleshed out
8/18/2014 c6 Dark Prime0
not a bad ch, i forget ot write it but a nice change with itichi offing himself that's new

why are you rushing, so much wasted potential of chacter interactions and bonding both good & bad

why did the 2 sensei's never meet before to hash out how they were going to do the bell test (again could have been done offscreen but at least metion the meeting even in passing would be fine)
8/18/2014 c5 Dark Prime0
um ok you went gender bender on emo king and the pink haired bitch (personaly don't care for it, but your story your rules)

much better on this ch, the banter was nice as well

my god is emori a tail or something...does he follow naruto to take a piss as well. you may want to start writing them when apart as well bc at this point it's kinda creepy how they are always together

not gonna lie i'm gonna read to the end as i said, but not a fan of genderbending stories (except haku) so not going to be following the story
8/18/2014 c4 Dark Prime0
much better fleshing it out, could use some work though (should always strive to be better)

still makeing such short ch's, got to get away from the multi people talking in a paragraph, but as a plus you keeping it to 4 lines (have seen stories with a ch this leangh being all contained in 2-3 paragraphs)
8/18/2014 c3 Dark Prime0
you need some work on spelling some, and you mispelled 2 names as well. the other 2 ch's had spelling mistakes i just forgot to say

you missed an oppertunity to have some chacter interaction/development in suna and just rushed past it, same with the sword, why did the smith ask if that was the one he wanted...as if there is something special or something about the sword

again rushed and no emoutions...what were the sensei's reactions to seeing naruto for the 1st time in yrs, what were they doing as they were talking, sometimes little details can make a secne so much better and breath life into it. was asuma smokeing, was kakashi reading, was kurina (sp) glareing at kakashi as he read or asuma as he smoked, were they standing at attention, leaning on a wall, sitting down, did their facial expresions change at all...can't say it enough add details

what was the hokage reaction to seeing naruto after 6yrs, that would have been a great point to have PoV of seeing naruto after all that time, and his thoughts on how he looked

remember the side people aren't just cardboard cutouts you need to bring them to life

no debreaf?, the hokage needs to know what naruto is trained in or was taught and such, even if it's done off screen and we will see later what he's learned doesn't matter...just have the hokage ask the uncle to stay behind for some questions is good enough. we the reader don't need to see the debreaf just knowing it happened is good enough

also don't know if your doing it but i have seen it before where writers will "assume" the reader knew it all happened without saying it...the reader knows nothing till the writter points it out or at the least eludes to it even in a vague sence (just to keep it in question till it's reviled)
8/18/2014 c2 Dark Prime0
same problem with the Q&A, it's all jumbled together...the only reason you know who is talking is bc of what's being said, and only once was any emoution put into the Q&A, you can't tell me with how naruto is that he didn't smile or frown or pause to think about his answer. it was a boreing exchange it needs to be fleshed out and added to so the reader gets drawn in to the emoutions at play

did the hokage just take emori's word that he was his uncle...no blood test, no test for a hinge, no bringing in ino's dad or something to see if he's telling the truth. could have done so much to bring the ch to life and flesh it out...remember it's a ninja village where everyone is paranoid about infiltration and such, naruto IS a secret weapon of the village even if he's not treated that way, to just let him leave with a stranger bc said stranger said "i'm his uncle, trust me"

again was rushed, still seemed like an outline but had a little more to it then ch 1
8/18/2014 c1 Dark Prime0
it needs work, and i skipped some just to see if you improved as you went on...kinda/kinda not (just read around so i'll go through and read it all then comment)

it needs to be fleshed out more, the ch reads like an outline with the dialog thrown in, it's very rushed, haveing the back and forth in the same paragragh isn't really needed and can get confusing as to who is talking at points, the ch needs to be longer with alot more details

the uncle thing, while i'm not a fan it's your story...have no problem with a clan member but it's always a close relative

naruto imo is to eager and acepting, he was just dumped and used not even what seems like 10sec ago...in real life i would think he would be more causiouses of a complete stranger who just threatened him with something pointy (to me it has to be beleivable in the universe, that trust isn't beleivable)
8/11/2014 c8 9SomeDamn Author
Great! Characters are starting to flesh out. This is getting promising. Keep it up, I'll be reading, and if you can, find a beta.

:)
8/11/2014 c6 SomeDamn Author
Oh, you just neutralized my previous review. Again, I can see that you've improved quite a lot from your first chapter!
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