Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Scorch Marks

8/27/2016 c12 6THB4
Goddamit Cinder lego of Weiss's waifu. I love this story and Fallen petals and White Rose are some of my favorite ships. I know you have the fallen petals ship as a dark twisted one but that's what makes it a good ship. I wonder if it will be like those Weiss, Ruby and Cinder pics where Cinder brainwashes Ruby and has Ruby decapitate Weiss and they keep Weiss's head as a trophy and Ruby believes this is what Weiss's wanted to. I bet Yang will trust Weiss more but after letting Ruby go in by herself Yang will be pissed. Are the maidens powers and silver eye warrior stuff apart of the story is that why Cinder wanted Ruby and then she fell in love with Ruby or did Cinder always love Ruby and the other stuff is a bonus. With Cinder being obsessed with Ruby I wonder how well Emerald took that news or is she not in love with Cinder or will we get a jelly Emerald? Also how do Roman, Mercury and Neo react to Cinder's pet. Keep up the good work can't wait for the next chapter.
8/24/2016 c12 5Minesniper
Ruby: "Go. I got this."
Me: "Ruby don't got this."
Little girl: "The nice lady with the red dress said she'd save her!"
Me: "God damn it, Ruby."
7/14/2016 c7 Shipper101
Excellent chapter, just- in the 6th line from bottom I don't think you meant menstruations

Just, really, really not what I think you meant
2/25/2016 c11 6the god of wolves
i can't wait for more
11/26/2015 c11 Guest
AUGH THESE DAMN CLIFFHANGERS!
11/26/2015 c11 Guest
A lot of people seem to think that Ruby's strength is in her body. Worse is that some people think she has any strength of mind. Neither of those are why Ruby's awesome, it's her strength of heart. She's not that strong, and she's honestly pretty stupid, but if everyone had her mindset, the world would be a much, much better place. You've done a great job of capturing that.

Which is why I found myself a little confused about the idea that she could help with math. Granted, it doesn't take a lot to understand better than Yang, and it's elementary-level, but I was still thinking about Ruby's lack of intelligence when the "can't read" thing came up. And the result was that it wasn't nearly as dramatic as it should have been. In fact, I actually had to pause because I was laughing.

I've also found, strangely enough, that for the sake of your story, I'm shipping Weiss' dad with Yang's mom. It's neat seeing the similarities between the two. Both parents who weren't there for their children. People who've done some bad things, but want nothing more than to fix their families, not for their own sakes, but for their daughters'.

And finally, the criticisms. All relatively small things, but there's quite a few of them. First, the name typos. I've seen quite a few instances of "Wiess" and "Phyrra". Second, Augustus really ought to have told Weiss that she doesn't need to make him proud, he always had been. Third, Cinder's motivations are horribly shallow. Fourth, literally every relationship is between two women. Okay, cool, but straight people and gay guys exist too. And fifth, what about Zwei? Weiss was honored to be given ownership of him, but was still going to try to kill herself? And why has he disappeared now that Ruby's back?
11/26/2015 c11 KibaPT
NOOOOO Cliffhanger!
6/16/2015 c3 7Blue-Spikes
The formatting for this page is very different than the previous two. The line breaks are unnecessary (because does have line wrapping enabled, along with settings for readers to adjust the margins) and prevent sections/paragraphs from being separated from each other. Change it to match the previous chapters.

Weiss's reaction, again, is completely unrealistic - for any person but especially so for Weiss as she has been described in the canon show and the AUs you are working from. The father you described in the previous chapter is not one I can imagine acting in this way either, as he is neither protective nor showing any concern for his image and the disturbance being caused.

Back on formatting, remember to use a horizontal line for big skips, like when you switched from the manor to the 'elsewhere in an . . .' as well as between the story and author's notes. I know a lot of authors bold their notes to separate them, in addition to the horizontal lines.
6/16/2015 c2 Blue-Spikes
I will try toget them out
% space between 'to' and 'get'

% The summary of your inspirations / AU is woeful. Funblade, the summary you refrained from supplying, includes Whiterose AND Checkmate, and is of the team still together after graduation, while Company Woman is before graduation and implies that Weiss leaves the team. You should summarize in your own words the AU of this fic, it doesn't need to be longer than a paragraph, and edit that into the first chapter (your prologue). At the end of the paragraph or Author's note you could state your inspirations by name, and state that you have links to the relevant pages/works on your profile. Links would be very helpful given that the artists have other AU works as well. Finally, put a horizontal line between your author's note and the story to separate it better.

% Throughout the story that I have seen you spell "Wiess" instead of "Weiss". Just ctrlf find and replace in a MS Word or OOo Doc and that problem can be solved quickly.

"While she was happy that would be to out of it to try and get her "
% There is a missing word or wrong word in there.

"it was still an embarrassment to Schnee industries when the so called CEO was yet again making a tremendous fool of himself."
% I may have missed it when reviewing your inspirations, but I don't recall any RWBY AU with Weiss not becoming CEO of SDC and instead allowing SDC to be bought out. However, at the end of Company Woman Weiss's father was still CEO of SDC, and I am fairly certain she didn't marry her father. Again, a lot of the would be resolved if you added a paragraph to your prologue, in the story or as a note, about the AU.

"far better than her husband ever could. That was if he was sober enough to do it."
% A comma would fit better than a period between 'could' and 'That'.

" ballroom that the SDC had rented out"
% I'm confused. Machinekeys' story has a merger with SDC and the tech giant, which makes them one company, but you have the husband running SDC which implies that the tech company bought SDC and SDC no longer exists on its own. If they had remained separate but had a contract or formal agreement, then Weiss would run SDC and her husband would run the tech company.

"from her seated position "well what do you think you fool?"
% The 'w' in 'well' should be capitalized, and a comma after the word.

"nearest pub and replenish the stock!"
% That is utterly foolish. Pubs add in a lot of cost for the atmosphere into the drinks. Weiss, if she is good at running a company, should either say 'get more' or if a place is mentioned it should be a private stash, company storage, or at worst, a whole-sale retailer, not a bar.

"she would finish that though. That name no longer"
% Should that be 'she *didn't* finish that *thought*'? Instead of 'name', describing 'dolt' as a 'word' or 'insult' would fit better.

"It only made Wiess to think "
% Remove the word 'to'.

"Mrs. Schnee the owner of the only bar in town"
% There needs to be a comma after 'Schnee', otherwise it looks like Mrs. Schnee is that owner being referred to, a mistake I made that required me to reread the sentence.

When Yang says "I Know" the 'k' should be lowercase.

"If she was there-"
% 'was' should be 'had been'

"I do too, Yang." Said Blake, her voice breaking on the last part.
% The 's' in 'said' should be lowercase, and you could just remove 'on the last part'.

missed." Said Wiess,
% Same thing for 'Said'.

"we weren't talking about you, Wiess" Blake said,
% Capital 'w' in 'we', period after 'Weiss'

There are a few more errors toward the end that I didn't mention. You may want to look into proofreading works yourself, if you wait until the next day first, or finding a proofreader or Beta reader.

Weiss screaming is unrealistic, denial, especially when she has to behave perfectly in her father's presence, is far more likely than a loud outburst.
6/15/2015 c1 Blue-Spikes
idiots in his family trying schmoose there way into his good graces.
there - their

permanently set on his daughters face.
daughter's

the day he told about the marriage arrangement he had set up between Wiess
he told her
Weiss

Schnee dust the only name in both
Schnee Dust

perfect for their families
familiy's

it was impossible, and the Wiess tried harder
the-that
Weiss
5/21/2015 c9 2PiLamdaOd
First of, I love tgethe chapter. Just one point to mention. After all that build up and waiting the gang didn’t react all that much to finding Ruby. The readers knew she was alive but her friends "knew" she was dead.

It might be better to spend time focusing on Yang and Blake's thoughts and feelings at seeing Ruby alive. What was going through their heads when Weiss walked up to them, holding the friend and family member who they recently burried?

Your readers were waiting for that moment from the instant chapter one went live. You did an excellent job of building that moment up, milk it man.
3/23/2015 c8 PiLamdaOd
Fantastic cliffhanger in a well done story. The pacing is great abd the story flows together well. The interpersonal moments are especially well done and fit in so naturally.

I really really can't wait for the next chapter.
3/23/2015 c8 Genechan2009
Omg... dat cliffhanger D: I can't wait for the next chapter. All the angst because Ruby has no memory of her :(
3/11/2015 c1 Genechan2009
I don't know why I only found this fanfic until now D: I can't wait for the next chapter already. My heart bled the whole time reading it. Loving it :)
2/2/2015 c6 ocomfv
Read 1-6 Good story so far. Personally I think Weiss should look her father in the face and tell him SDC "WILL" be hiring every single hunter in Vale far as long as it takes.
22 Page 1 2 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service