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for Shelf Life

7/30/2019 c1 Guest
This is very nicely done.
5/25/2017 c7 35JenEvan
Enjoyed this great adventure of rummaging through dumpsites and fighting off mutated mushrooms xD
5/29/2015 c1 53Sonar
Mendel and Randy are funny. Good chapter.
1/21/2015 c1 Lady of Imladris
I thought this was fairly entertaining, and felt very much like an actual episode of the cartoon.
1/16/2015 c1 90Paradigm of Writing
Hi, I'm Paradigm of Writing from the review game, and I'm reading Chapter 1 of Shelf Life. I'm canon blind, but it doesn't bother me.

'Mendel was disgusted.' - First off, it is a nice opener. The three words don't tell you much about anything, except that there is this man and he's disgusted about something. It leaves me wondering, hmm "what he is disgusted about?" It's a guise, I see. It wants me to continue reading, and indeed I want to!

'The office... peel off the floor...' - This entire paragraph explains why Mendel was disgusted, and its because of this other guy named Randy who leaves his trash everywhere, and Mendel was the one to clean it all up. The entire description of that moldy pizza left quite the bitter taste in my mouth just thinking about it, but you could've used a stronger word in place of green because there are deeper shades of green that a rotten pizza can become.

'He stomped out of the office... clear his throat...' - Okay, the fact that he just wiped his dirty hands over a white lab coat... well, just that's gross. You can picture this pristine, pallid lab coat being covered in grime just wants to make me squirm all over. YUCK!

We are also introduced to another character, Elsie. She is a worker of some kind as I can see, and leaning over Randy's shoulder. You set the setting of this office room very nicely, but I also would've appreciated some more splashes of color to the room- because yet again, you use the mediocre term of red, where you can definitely use a stronger word for it, i.e. a "glossy cherry", or just a more vibrant color than plain red. The word choice, however, is fantastic.

The dialogue where Randy says thanks to Mendel, but doesn't even know why he's saying it cracked me up. Mendel's reaction was hilarious, and then Elsie prods in a suggestion. Gee... I'd hate for Randy and Elise to be my siblings, because in my family... I'm definitely Mendel.

'I didn't realize how attracted you were to mushrooms.- Do you mean like shrooms? The drug? Or the actual vegetable mushrooms? Then Elsie jumps into the picture, and I found that quite abrupt. She says that she tried getting both of them to pay attention to her, but in the dialogue before it, there is no mention that she even does that. You should go back and add Elsie saying something or doing something to actually show she is trying to get Mendel and Randy's attention.

The description of the now clean office was a step up in descriptiveness, and it would make my OCD side jump through the roof in joy. It reveals how much Mendel does for Randy, but yet again... you could've been stronger with the actual words placed there! It's a pet peeve of mine when people have the full ability to describe something, and they don't. Yes, there are instances where people have a "less is more" attitude, but this office description could've been much more grandiose and had extra flair if you just put more adjectives into it.

Elsie's sudden quirkiness seems abrupt between Mendel and Randy's arguing about the mushrooms, because yet again- she finds something the matter, but you didn't show us that she found something suspicious to begin with. She just says it, and it made me as a reader kind of confused on if Elsie pulled this fact out of left field.

Then you have some person named Nick show up. Personally, his entrance left nothing for me. You just dropped another character near the end of the chapter, and he hasn't had any significance in the chapter so far as it is, so his inclusion seemed out of place... and it probably could've waited.

Okay, I think that does it. You aren't a bad writer by no means, but I believe there are things you can work on.

Showing, not just adding random snippets of dialogue to indicate something is an area you can improve on. If a character has been doing a certain action, or notices something erroneous about a situation, show it. Add more descriptions to certain areas of the chapter where you describe areas to make it more than bland, and work out Nick's entrance near the end. If you do that, you'll have a solid review.
9/8/2014 c7 2Dragonwing Writer
Great ending! The story was a lot of fun to read and the characters where well-done. It read almost exactly like an episode of GTS, which was woefully short (two seasons weren't enough).
The story was exceptionally well-written; I'm going to miss it.
Good luck with any and all future works!
9/7/2014 c7 137Jason M. Lee
Nicely done. This could've been easily an episode straight from the cartoon, and that ending line there from Mendel was a perfect finisher that's very in tone with the show. :)
8/30/2014 c6 2Dragonwing Writer
Godzilla finally gets to mutilate the mutant mass of a mushroom!
Great worn on this chapter. My only comment is that when you said that Monique cursed in French I think it might have been better to put the cursing outside the parentheses and just have the comment that Nick was assuming it was cursing inside.
Looks like the story has drawn to a close. I can't wait to see the ending!
8/29/2014 c1 29Edhla
Hi :) Still canon blind here, but I'll do my best. This is the most recent work from you, so I assume it's one you'd value a review on.

I like the simplicity of that beginning sentence: "Mendel was disgusted." Very to-the-point, which I think works well for that particular sentiment; the danger with always employing "show, don't tell" is that you can run the risk of the fic being bogged down in unnecessary, slow details. Not here!

On that note, I did think the rest of that paragraph was a little brief and lacked details that would really bring the situation to life. After a few lines I gathered that Randy had left the office a mess and that this was what Mendel was disgusted by, but I think even a brief description of the chaos that disgusted Mendel, or even more of a physical reaction from him, would amp this up a little. Likewise, as a reader I can't really picture "a study in which Randy and Elsie are performing research of some kind." What kind of research? What's the study look like? What do Randy and Elsie look like? How do they work together, their body language, etc?

Your dialogue is strong, particularly the way your characters bounce off one another and the rapport they obviously have, despite Mendel's grievances. I feel, though, that while your dialogue is fine, you lack confidence that you can use it, and things like action tags, to convey the way you mean a line to be "read" without having to expressly describe it. For example, Elsie's "sarcastically" isn't needed, because to me her sarcasm was already obvious; even Mendel's "stinging voice" is already a given, when you've described him stomping around in disgust. (That said, an interesting beat here is that "he hoped" it was a stinging voice. This, and the hands-on-hips gesture, scream "Mendel is a drama queen" to me.)

I'm a little confused by Elsie's "I've been trying to get your attention", since the reader is as clueless as the boys in this one until she speaks up :p That said, mushrooms are a fungus, Randy, lol. I'm no mad scientist myself, but I gasped when Mendel confessed to throwing out Randy's "experiment"; I can definitely relate (and so can a lot of people, I imagine) with someone deciding the value of something you own and taking it upon themselves to throw the "junk" away.

Ooh, a nice way of bringing up the vaguely uncomfortable information that these mushrooms grew far faster than any normal fungus should ever have. I don't know too much about fungi, but I thought a necessary part of their growth is damp and dark, which makes me kind of worried about what Randy's office is actually like :p You do a good job of bringing up these concerns via Elsie without it coming across as "As you know, Bob" syndrome, particularly because both the boys seem a tad clueless for a long time as she explains just why she's worried.

There's something a little "off" about Mendel's assertion that he'd already emptied the bin, taken the outside bin to the kerb, and that the garbage had already been picked up. I think it's to do with the initial lines of the piece... they give the impression that Mendel had just found the horrible fungus, had had time to maybe dump it in the kitchen bin at most, and then stomped over to yell at Randy about it, rather than having had time to even wait for the garbage truck to arrive before taking Randy to task about it. Since both these things are important, I don't know what you'd do to reconcile the conflicting information...

I'm with Elsie, I kind of wanted to slap Randy and Mendel at this point :p They really come across as manchildren who should be taking this, or at least taking Elsie, more seriously.

This was a highly entertaining, fast-paced introductory chapter. I think it could benefit from a little more description, but very much enjoyed x
8/18/2014 c1 1Route One
Hi! I'm reviewing chapter one, and I'm fandom blind. But godzilla versus giant fungus? I think you might just be speaking my language :).

The opening is engaging, considering its subject matter, but I think it would be more effect to avoid 'was' in that first sentence. I understand that it's supposed to draw me in by being vague, which is a good tactic, yet I see your dialogue and just know that you could supplant it with great narration. What I mean overall is that you should try to imbue your knack for dialog (which I'll get to) into your descriptions. Not only will this prevent your story from appearing sparse - with how the website displays it, your story is a series of one-liners - it will also give us a better idea of your characters. It is peculiar to see it work so well, since most stories I've seen similar to this are subpar. I'm glad to see yours best that expectation. An earlier review puts it well: it reads more like an episode than a book. It's still fine fiction, regardless of what medium it represents.

I'm blind to the fandom and unsure whether these characters are your creations or not, but they are all distinct. Other than a few spots, most of your information is presented through the dialog, which makes it a bit easier to understand everything.

As for the dialog, it's a relief that you've done it well. The kind of repartee you have going on is incredibly prone to clog up an otherwise decent story, but you've managed to keep it reasonable. The downplaying of the mushroom's danger was done well, and didn't blatantly reveal just how monstrous it will likely become.

Overall, I like the story, even if the dialog-heavy presentation isn't my cup of tea. Take more liberties with how you present details, and you'll have a very engrossing story on your hands.
7/24/2014 c2 guest123
this is reading just like a Godzilla episode.. except read instead of watched... you get the point!
7/20/2014 c2 2Dragonwing Writer
Uh-oh, things are starting to get heavy.
I noticed that when you described the giant mushroom you used the words 'appeared to have' twice in consecutive sentences.
Apart from that the chapter was really well-written. I wish I had Monique's negotiating skills...
7/15/2014 c1 137Jason M. Lee
Oh, Randy, Randy, Randy. You completely forgot about the Giant Armillarias, didn't you? The giant fungus that sucked up about anything that has nutrients in it?

And "what's so dangerous about mushrooms"? Let's see. There's the Amanita genus,which includes the aptly named the death caps, various "destroying angels", and a "fool's mushroom"; the Conocybe genus, having some psychoactive 'shrooms; the Galerina genus, with G. marginata, AKA the autumn skullcap; and the Lepiota genus with L. brunneoincarnata, AKA the deadly dapperling! Oh, let's toss in mold - that's also part of fungi! Meet Stachybotrys chartarum, AKA the black mold!

Recommend using some more words to indicate moods during a character's speaking parts, instead of just "said/asked" - "snarled", "queried", "shouted", "whimpered", "whined", "muttered", etc. And sometimes, you don't even need "said/asked/snapped", etc. when a character is talking - the '"Will you guys press pause for just a moment? Something really weird is going on here" She turned to Randy. "Where did you get those mushrooms?"' part was perfect. :)
7/15/2014 c1 guest
if this ends with Zilla Junior going on a "trip" I will have no choice but to mark this in my favorites section.
7/13/2014 c1 2Dragonwing Writer
Great chapter, I wouldn't have thought that the HEAT team would face a mutant mushroom.
I can't wait to see how this turns out.

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