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for kilana goes to duel academy

8/6/2014 c1 AnonUserGuy
To be completely honest, all my complaints have already been covered by my fellow reviewers. Now for a quick call out - iloveyugiohgx93, one other reviewer has already stated that Judai can be spelt the way Higuchimon spells it, but another thing I should tell you is that Higuchimon is providing what is known as constructive criticism, intended to help the writer. So you're ironically the bad guy here despite what you seem to think. In addition, creating a second account purely to say that is just ucking tragic.
8/6/2014 c1 14The-Artful-Trickster
I agree with Flare & Higuchimon, we need to know more about this new character (The only thing I gathered from her was that she's polite and she had long brown hair) and you need to understand Yu-Gi-Oh! more. Overall the pace of this story was just too rushed.

There's also a few spelling errors here and there so you may want to think about hiring a Beta Reader.

Why does the summary have her as an Obelisk (Which she should be in anyway since she's a girl) when she ends up as a Slifer in this chapter? Are you planning to have her move through the ranks?

(Also iloveyugiohgx93, Judai can be spelled Juudai aswell. You may want to learn more about the topic rather than leaving such reviews.)

Another thing - Have you put your OC through the 'Ultimate Mary-Sue' test from springhole? This simple quiz makes sure your OC doesn't fall into the trap of being a Mary-Sue. (I'd highly recommend it!)

If you need any further help, we're always here for PMing.
7/14/2014 c1 Flare Phoenix
Honestly, this reads like someone relaying the events to someone else. Everything moves by far too quickly to leave any sort of impact. I know nothing about Kilana as a character, because the story gives us no information about her. You don't even tell us how she looks. A duel on its own is not interesting. You cannot expect the reader to care about the duel if we don't care about who is dueling. It's just Kilana who I know nothing about against a proctor so unimportant he doesn't even get a name. There is no reason for me to have any sort of investment in this duel.

If Kilana registered before Judai, why is she dueling after him? How did Judai already have his duel, and how did Kilana know who Judai had dueled, if she had just entered the building (at which point Judai hadn't even registered yet).

Can you really say you own Kilana's deck when the cards are taken directly from another anime? They're just random cards with Digimon names slapped on them. There might be an interesting mechanic with the monsters evolving to stronger forms, but we already have those in the actual game: the LV monsters. Not to mention the deck is just cheap. Unless there is some major restriction, being able to pull out a 5000ATK double attacker with no cost is broken. It doesn't make Kilana look like a competent duelist; it just shows us she relies on overpowered cards.

Also, wouldn't Omnimon make more sense as a fusion monster? He is the combination of WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon after all.

That's all I can say about a story so short. It is in desperate need of an overhaul. It's great you want to write something, but you shouldn't rush something out just for the sake of putting something up.
7/13/2014 c1 4cleopatrayuki87
Ignore Higuchimon's review. She can't even spell Judai correctly.
7/13/2014 c1 ilovevocaloid93
2 simple things.

1. Capitalize every first and last name of every person. And every first word in a quotation.
2. This chapter needs more text. At least 1,000 words or more.
7/13/2014 c1 1k+Higuchimon
A couple of notes: do not have your OC duel Chronos/Crowler and do not have them meet Yuugi. That rips off what happened with Juudai too much. Let her get there on time and duel a perfectly ordinary proctor. Also, these cards rip off too much from Juudai's own cards, especially with that last special effect. It's all "power, power, power", no strategy involved. Bad idea. There's also no real reason why Yuugi would have that card.

She would be a Blue anyway, because all female students go to the Blue dorm. So it's not really that shocking or special.

I suggest going to the Yu-Gi-Oh wiki and finding cards that fit into the GX era (i.e., no Synchros, XYZ or Pendulum) to build a deck for your OC from, and make certain she fits into the story instead of changing the story to fit her.

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