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for May's Johto Expedition: Spa Day

10/21/2014 c1 Lunatic de Sea
I liked your story! :D again, my english stories are horrible so... BUT! first thoughts! i like the plot and what goes on, i don't mind dialogue. but since i'm like completely stupid about Pokemon, i can't really picture some of your settings in my head. aha you're so formal, i consider my writings a break from anything that's grammatically correct, and syntactically graceful. i just want to flow Also... Sometimes i can hear your voice in certain parts, but that wouldn't have happened if i didn't know you... soooo. Overall, i like this! they're really cute! i can see clearly what personalies the characters have and they fit well into your descriptions! Dialogue is also a way of describing, the readers would have to infer what kinda people these characters are, that is not a bad thing! it takes skills to show characterization through dialogue! 3 :D
8/9/2014 c1 2InspireFire
Hello, sir. Overall, this one-shot appeals to me as being rather mediocre; the story is there, but the way it's written is rather dry.

The thing that stood out to me the most was the dialogue—there's A LOT of it. And while dialogue is important and necessary for story writing, I think here it's unbalanced with the amount of description that you have. The reader gets more of a taste on how the characters talk than of the scenery or of May's thoughts and emotions. Those two items are present, but not as much as they should be. On that same note, the dialogue also makes the little Contestshipped scenes a little dull—it feels more as though they were added in as a "by the way" than as an actual part of the story (even though I know that they're there more for the readers' entertainment).

The second thing I noticed was that many of the sentences involving May's action start with "May." There isn't anything wrong with that grammatically, but as you read through it, seeing "May did this" and "May did that" makes the story feel a bit childish. It's mainly because for almost every new paragraph, the first line mentioning May starts out with her name; it wouldn't hurt to start it with "she" every now and then, especially if the previous line had ended with her dialogue.

As for the description itself, what you have for the most part is fine, although in some places you can be a bit redundant or too vague. For example: "Drew had called out Roselia and they were using Roselia's toxic venom to burn through the webs." I'm sure most people know that venom is poisonous, and to say that it's toxic is repetitive. Also, instead of using Roselia's name twice in the same sentence, you could replace the second instance with "the Grass Pokemon" or another synonymous phrase.

Now for a few technicalities: Ariados only has four legs, not eight (and Spinarak has six). Also, if the baby Spinarak was wild, how did it learn X-Scissor? I'm pretty sure it can only learn that move through a TM. On top of that, Bug type moves aren't very effective against Ghost type Pokemon, and to think that an infant could one-hit KO what I assume was a well-trained Banette is rather mind boggling.

That's all I have to say for now Again, the foundation of the story is there, but you need to build it up a little more to really capture your readers' attention. I'll be waiting for more of this series, so you better keep writing. ;P
8/9/2014 c1 kittycatbooty
It was a nice fanfic! I think that you should bring Gary into this series, to get Drew jealous.
8/9/2014 c1 Anonymous
It was a really cute fic, it reminded me of the old episodes. *tear*

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