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for Letter from the Stars

7/22/2015 c1 9FireCube
So... I got bored and decided to read through a bunch (aka almost all) of your older stuff and leave reviews (because why not?). Anyway, as per usual, I have no idea who is who or what is going on and what happened before to cause what is happening now. Regardless, here are my thoughts/opinions:

I liked the short sentence at the beginning, it immediately sets a serious tone about the story.

"Seemed to be in a ray of sunlight" sounds awkward? Maybe something along the lines of "yet the stone in the center of the clearing seemed permanently illuminated"? (Ignore that, that sounded worse, but you get the idea, I hope)

"And then," sounds a little middle-schooly (?). Maybe use "Suddenly" or a similar transition?

"having all been revived" sounds funny, it's not wrong, but it just sounds odd. But alas, my unimaginative brain can not come up with a good replacement.

"Having no idea what to think or feel" also sounds a bit awkward. I think "At a loss for thoughts or emotions," or something like that (I wouldn't be surprised if what I recommend sounds worse, so you can probably take my suggestions with a grain of salt).

I quite like this "Kalo" character, reminds me of me (lol). He reminds me a little of Enjolras in that he was willing to fight (for something) and die for it (at least I assume he died).

Maybe change "many people looking up to you" to "many people who still look up to you", in my opinion, it sounds a little better and rolls of the tongue more.

Every time I see "Doctor" I think of Doctor Who. Random interjection of the review.

"didn't notice his presence until he was standing right over him." This comment is purely because of writing class. Anyway, too many "him"'s and "he"'s. I think I know who each subject refers to, but it could be construed as ambiguous.

I had to do a double take the first time I read "The 9x9". I was utterly confused and it took me a minute to realize that the 9x9 was the gift. Also, is this part of the show? The whole Rubik's Cube thing. I mean I love it, of course, but that's obviously a biased opinion. Also a random comment, if Xiao can solve a Rubik's Cube (which I assume he can because he is given a 9x9), I assume he has gotten a 4x4, 5x5 or other higher order puzzle before. After 5x5, every cube is the same process to solve, it just takes longer. Therefore if Xiao knew how to solve a 4x4, he would know how to solve a 9x9. Perhaps you could have picked a non-cubic puzzle or a cubic puzzle with interesting capabilities? That probably didn't make any sense but that's the first thing that came to mind when I read that. (You could use a teraminx, super-square 1, master morphinx, or a slew of other puzzles [you should look those up, some of them look quite interesting[). That comment was probably worthless, but I felt like saying it.

"Kai couldn't help but grin, and he flew up out of the trees." First things that comes to mind: Rocchino does not approve. Run on. Maybe change to "Kai couldn't help but grin as he flew up out of the trees."?

As stated before, I still have no idea what is happening and the backstory to all this, so many of my comments may be irrelevant. Overall, I really like your writing style. I think it's very effective, and you use dialogue sparingly and effectively (unlike a famous American author I know of).

Reviews are fun to write, so keep writing so I can post reviews! (And try writing for a fandom I know something about?)
11/1/2014 c1 Fire
Ooooh, this is good! I see you revised the letter and added context...I like the ending, with the 9x9 and the "he had time" and "he shrugged and (or was it but? Can't see the story rn) teleported away" and generally good cohesion! And the "it took him 37 seconds". Well done! (Wow this is basically a list of random stuff I like...no actual constructive criticism...)


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