for The Half Blood Princess
1610/30/2017 c7 Audrey Maminta
I accidentally read riverside as Riverdale...whoops
I accidentally read riverside as Riverdale...whoops
4/3/2017 c19 Guest
Is there a sequel to this I need more of this story
Is there a sequel to this I need more of this story
11/12/2016 c3 justaislinn
The story summary made it sound interesting, and you have a good idea here, it's just that it's rather... childishly written.
The plot thus far is overdone yet too simple. You've explained that her parents hate her yet it seems overly dramatic and whingey. Part of what made Harry's backstory so profound is that we know his family hates him and that they overworked him, abused him at worst and neglected him at best, but he never really complained about it or went into great detail of his troubles. He just picks himself up and carries on, with some sarcasm to help him along.
I also don't understand the hermione age 17 notes in here. If she was writing this as a child, then I understand that her writing would be childish (though it ought to be advanced seeing how advanced she is) but when you have the add-on notes, the writing is the exact same.
That is a small detail, perhaps, but it makes a big difference. Except I'm pretty sure that this was a story of her backstory, so she's writing it at age 17 and occasionally breaking in with author'a notes, in which case I'd say it's acceptable that her style becomes more informal, or perhaps more so, but all that 'she' has thus far written seems to have come from a child.
Next, you use a lot of conflicting adjectives. How can a necklace be simple yet a dragon made of diamonds? That sounds pretty damn intricate to me, having many stones implies much detail. Also diamonds, though overpriced and overrated, are seen as a very lavish and beautiful gift, but many see as tacky if not presented the proper way. Idk I just don't like the necklace or the way you described it, but it just doesn't make sense.
Your dialogue is very stilted and awkward, it reads very much as if I were watching a poorly prepared for play, with 10 year old actors who have never before been on stage. They read and act their lines stiffly and not at all as if they ARE the character, that's how your story's characters act. Not like characters, but more like puppets.
Of course, these are just one person's thoughts, and no one person is completely stagnant. You'll improve over time if you know what you need to improve!
I'm sure many young people will find it very cute and endearing, so I hope you still have a lot of readers!
Write on:)
The story summary made it sound interesting, and you have a good idea here, it's just that it's rather... childishly written.
The plot thus far is overdone yet too simple. You've explained that her parents hate her yet it seems overly dramatic and whingey. Part of what made Harry's backstory so profound is that we know his family hates him and that they overworked him, abused him at worst and neglected him at best, but he never really complained about it or went into great detail of his troubles. He just picks himself up and carries on, with some sarcasm to help him along.
I also don't understand the hermione age 17 notes in here. If she was writing this as a child, then I understand that her writing would be childish (though it ought to be advanced seeing how advanced she is) but when you have the add-on notes, the writing is the exact same.
That is a small detail, perhaps, but it makes a big difference. Except I'm pretty sure that this was a story of her backstory, so she's writing it at age 17 and occasionally breaking in with author'a notes, in which case I'd say it's acceptable that her style becomes more informal, or perhaps more so, but all that 'she' has thus far written seems to have come from a child.
Next, you use a lot of conflicting adjectives. How can a necklace be simple yet a dragon made of diamonds? That sounds pretty damn intricate to me, having many stones implies much detail. Also diamonds, though overpriced and overrated, are seen as a very lavish and beautiful gift, but many see as tacky if not presented the proper way. Idk I just don't like the necklace or the way you described it, but it just doesn't make sense.
Your dialogue is very stilted and awkward, it reads very much as if I were watching a poorly prepared for play, with 10 year old actors who have never before been on stage. They read and act their lines stiffly and not at all as if they ARE the character, that's how your story's characters act. Not like characters, but more like puppets.
Of course, these are just one person's thoughts, and no one person is completely stagnant. You'll improve over time if you know what you need to improve!
I'm sure many young people will find it very cute and endearing, so I hope you still have a lot of readers!
Write on:)
6/19/2016 c19 rebelsrule1121
Please update soon. This story is amazing and I don't know if I would be able to handle it if you abandon it.
Please update soon. This story is amazing and I don't know if I would be able to handle it if you abandon it.
4/20/2016 c19 Princess LeannaDestiny
This is AMAZING! I really like it well done. I don't think harry should forgive Ron he has been so horrible to the both of them.
This is AMAZING! I really like it well done. I don't think harry should forgive Ron he has been so horrible to the both of them.
4/11/2016 c19 PrincessKitt
You are so amazing and so is this story! I can not put it down! Please never abandon it!
You are so amazing and so is this story! I can not put it down! Please never abandon it!