for Spiral Nemesis7/4/2015 c10 
42KumoFuzei
You don't capture the atmosphere of the battle quite well here. There is no notion that they might die or are even in danger.
There were some nice moments in this.
42KumoFuzeiYou don't capture the atmosphere of the battle quite well here. There is no notion that they might die or are even in danger.
There were some nice moments in this.
7/4/2015 c9 KumoFuzei
I like starting in the action but it was a bit braggy of Davis rather than an enjoyable fight scene. Some of the speech lacks believability and it's spoiling this early important characterisation :(
I like starting in the action but it was a bit braggy of Davis rather than an enjoyable fight scene. Some of the speech lacks believability and it's spoiling this early important characterisation :(
6/2/2015 c8 KumoFuzei
I think I've played Fire Emblem before :P
There's quite a lot to take in this chapter, but it's a nice build. The snow seems quite mysterious and I hope we find the cause.
I think I've played Fire Emblem before :P
There's quite a lot to take in this chapter, but it's a nice build. The snow seems quite mysterious and I hope we find the cause.
6/2/2015 c7 KumoFuzei
The A/N was a bit too meaty for my liking but I guess some of it was needed.
The description of Tai Chi errs on the side of too detailed.
I thought Takato wasn't in the DDD? I'm confused.
I love the last line, I think it's a lot more powerful than you probably meant it to be. It says a lot about Takato.
With that said, work on the speech in this chapter :)
The A/N was a bit too meaty for my liking but I guess some of it was needed.
The description of Tai Chi errs on the side of too detailed.
I thought Takato wasn't in the DDD? I'm confused.
I love the last line, I think it's a lot more powerful than you probably meant it to be. It says a lot about Takato.
With that said, work on the speech in this chapter :)
6/2/2015 c6 KumoFuzei
Excited for the first major arc and to finally be back to read a few chapters!
As always, I won't cover grammar and spelling because I can see you're improving and my advice is still to get someone to just beta it so you can focus on enjoying your story and finally continuing it so I have something to read after these next few chapters :P
In the flashback you big up Davis too much. It works much better if we just see inside Masaru's head without the flashback squeezed in. It serves as nothing but a 'look how great the main character is' flashback, which adds nothing to your story. The same goes for the fight after that. Otherwise, I enjoyed the rest of the chapter and I can feel the build to something more. I'd rather the rest of the chapter focussed on skulking after Takato and Jeri a bit until either they notice and scramble/fight(and manage to escape to get the same anger about losing from Masaru) or a Master Class/call from base stops him and he has to leave his pursuit. I feel that would better build up the excitement.
Excited for the first major arc and to finally be back to read a few chapters!
As always, I won't cover grammar and spelling because I can see you're improving and my advice is still to get someone to just beta it so you can focus on enjoying your story and finally continuing it so I have something to read after these next few chapters :P
In the flashback you big up Davis too much. It works much better if we just see inside Masaru's head without the flashback squeezed in. It serves as nothing but a 'look how great the main character is' flashback, which adds nothing to your story. The same goes for the fight after that. Otherwise, I enjoyed the rest of the chapter and I can feel the build to something more. I'd rather the rest of the chapter focussed on skulking after Takato and Jeri a bit until either they notice and scramble/fight(and manage to escape to get the same anger about losing from Masaru) or a Master Class/call from base stops him and he has to leave his pursuit. I feel that would better build up the excitement.
3/26/2015 c5 KumoFuzei
The A/N is a lot smaller and less ramble-y. However, you do throw a spoiler into your own A/N and things like that ruin the enjoyment of a chapter slightly.
It's interesting how you choose to use the present tense for the most part while writing.
I think a flashback of the event rather than a summary would be more salient.
"the matsuda boy" gets repetitive. Also, I know we're in Davis's head but his insistence that everyone looks up to the DDD and Takato is weird for not seems a little bit strange. I can't think of anyone who thinks like that.
Jumping from Davis to the refugees POV was confusing and it lost a lot of the grandeur I think you were going for in his entrance.
I found the chapter a little too slow. It didn't really seem to have a point, so to speak. I do feel like the writing is improving every chapter though.
The A/N is a lot smaller and less ramble-y. However, you do throw a spoiler into your own A/N and things like that ruin the enjoyment of a chapter slightly.
It's interesting how you choose to use the present tense for the most part while writing.
I think a flashback of the event rather than a summary would be more salient.
"the matsuda boy" gets repetitive. Also, I know we're in Davis's head but his insistence that everyone looks up to the DDD and Takato is weird for not seems a little bit strange. I can't think of anyone who thinks like that.
Jumping from Davis to the refugees POV was confusing and it lost a lot of the grandeur I think you were going for in his entrance.
I found the chapter a little too slow. It didn't really seem to have a point, so to speak. I do feel like the writing is improving every chapter though.
3/23/2015 c4 KumoFuzei
Yet again, quite a long A/N. I like you Qin, I consider you a friend, but readers probably don't want all your thoughts (some are fine). Be a little more concise or whack it at the end so they can skip it a bit easier if they want to. Just a thought :)
Yet again, you worm in little world building moments quite smoothly and I really like that about your writing.
You play with some moral situations this early but I think having Davis consider it over a longer period of time would have been nicer. You sort of force all his thoughts into this chapter rather than let them progress. However, I don't think you'll have a quick resolution to his qualms so it could still turn out to be a very good character arc.
I think you talking about their team is a little jarring. Keep it more in this tense moment of him walking about. I know you want to reveal stuff to us but the old adage about the tortoise and the hare definitely applies to reveals.
The little reveal at the end is nice and it makes me wish this chapter was just maybe 400 words longer and explored it a little more without such a quick resolution. I'm sure you'll do it in the future but this was a really nice set-up for some characterisation, I feel.
I'm enjoying the little logs, they are nice at the end of each chapter.
Yet again, quite a long A/N. I like you Qin, I consider you a friend, but readers probably don't want all your thoughts (some are fine). Be a little more concise or whack it at the end so they can skip it a bit easier if they want to. Just a thought :)
Yet again, you worm in little world building moments quite smoothly and I really like that about your writing.
You play with some moral situations this early but I think having Davis consider it over a longer period of time would have been nicer. You sort of force all his thoughts into this chapter rather than let them progress. However, I don't think you'll have a quick resolution to his qualms so it could still turn out to be a very good character arc.
I think you talking about their team is a little jarring. Keep it more in this tense moment of him walking about. I know you want to reveal stuff to us but the old adage about the tortoise and the hare definitely applies to reveals.
The little reveal at the end is nice and it makes me wish this chapter was just maybe 400 words longer and explored it a little more without such a quick resolution. I'm sure you'll do it in the future but this was a really nice set-up for some characterisation, I feel.
I'm enjoying the little logs, they are nice at the end of each chapter.
3/23/2015 c3 KumoFuzei
I'm back for chapter three but have no idea where I'm up to. I'm hoping it floods back to me.
The A/N is far too long. I'd suggest putting it at the end. Or at least part of it.
You have quite a nice descriptive opening, although I prefer to leave the characters second and do a little more environment but that's personal choice.
You explain what DDD stands for subtly without making it jarring or working it into cheesy dialogue.
So Yolei is in charge? I love it, she seems to fit her usual self here.
Some of the grammar and spelling is a little shaky but it's improving with each passing chapter and that's great to see. The main part was the little flashback at the start. It didn't read quite right.
You keep the tone light, which you said you were going for. Also, you work in a bit of background knowledge.
I like how you add in real world problems, like just eating enough to live is an issue and so food must be rationed accordingly. It adds a little believability to this apocalyptic scenario.
I think something that would really benefit your story is doing a restricted 3rd person rather than omniscient. You occasionally throw in thoughts or actions of other characters that can be a little jarring but if you focussed on one at a time (mainly Davis, I assume) we could really get into his head and more behind him as a character. This is more of something I like to do, though. I'm not suggesting you change the whole story to do this. Just maybe look at how you swap between characters to make it a little smoother.
Overall, a nice stopover chapter before we get stuck into the next meat of the plot.
I'm back for chapter three but have no idea where I'm up to. I'm hoping it floods back to me.
The A/N is far too long. I'd suggest putting it at the end. Or at least part of it.
You have quite a nice descriptive opening, although I prefer to leave the characters second and do a little more environment but that's personal choice.
You explain what DDD stands for subtly without making it jarring or working it into cheesy dialogue.
So Yolei is in charge? I love it, she seems to fit her usual self here.
Some of the grammar and spelling is a little shaky but it's improving with each passing chapter and that's great to see. The main part was the little flashback at the start. It didn't read quite right.
You keep the tone light, which you said you were going for. Also, you work in a bit of background knowledge.
I like how you add in real world problems, like just eating enough to live is an issue and so food must be rationed accordingly. It adds a little believability to this apocalyptic scenario.
I think something that would really benefit your story is doing a restricted 3rd person rather than omniscient. You occasionally throw in thoughts or actions of other characters that can be a little jarring but if you focussed on one at a time (mainly Davis, I assume) we could really get into his head and more behind him as a character. This is more of something I like to do, though. I'm not suggesting you change the whole story to do this. Just maybe look at how you swap between characters to make it a little smoother.
Overall, a nice stopover chapter before we get stuck into the next meat of the plot.
12/20/2014 c2 KumoFuzei
It was an interesting chapter with a nice flow and narrative.
I liked that the character's aren't all being thrown in at once and how you keep the action coming with nice pacing.
I thought that the language was perhaps a little rugged at times and it wormed its way into the character's speech to make them sound a little false.
My favourite moment was Davis's outsmarting of the villain :)
It was an interesting chapter with a nice flow and narrative.
I liked that the character's aren't all being thrown in at once and how you keep the action coming with nice pacing.
I thought that the language was perhaps a little rugged at times and it wormed its way into the character's speech to make them sound a little false.
My favourite moment was Davis's outsmarting of the villain :)
12/13/2014 c13 kudaman
A nice way to rap up the first arc. I think you did a good job with Ruki's character and the exchange she had with Daisuke. I liked that she acknowledged Juri's plan and with the new deck she gave her I'm sure Juri and Leomon will be more effective in the field. The story is progressing at a decent pace too. Can't wait for the next chapter.
P.S. welcome back.
A nice way to rap up the first arc. I think you did a good job with Ruki's character and the exchange she had with Daisuke. I liked that she acknowledged Juri's plan and with the new deck she gave her I'm sure Juri and Leomon will be more effective in the field. The story is progressing at a decent pace too. Can't wait for the next chapter.
P.S. welcome back.
11/10/2014 c12 kudaman
This chapter was great for Takato's character development. It's good that he's learned that some enemies just need to be put down. Guilmon will finally be a to reach his full potential now that he's not being held back and Juri showed she can come up with a decent strategy. I seems the team will be formed officially soon. Juri's to much of a free spirit to stay at the safe zone, Takato will definitely go where she goes, and Masaru will be going to because there's no way he let Daisuke lose to anyone but himself. Ruki has finally arrived and Kazu's about to get an ear full.
This chapter was great for Takato's character development. It's good that he's learned that some enemies just need to be put down. Guilmon will finally be a to reach his full potential now that he's not being held back and Juri showed she can come up with a decent strategy. I seems the team will be formed officially soon. Juri's to much of a free spirit to stay at the safe zone, Takato will definitely go where she goes, and Masaru will be going to because there's no way he let Daisuke lose to anyone but himself. Ruki has finally arrived and Kazu's about to get an ear full.
11/7/2014 c11 kudaman
Sorry for the late review, I had a lot to take care of lately. On to the review, I think the fight was done nicely. It was great to see everyone involved in the fight. Now that I think about it Ruki is going to be pissed when she finds out about this attack. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Sorry for the late review, I had a lot to take care of lately. On to the review, I think the fight was done nicely. It was great to see everyone involved in the fight. Now that I think about it Ruki is going to be pissed when she finds out about this attack. Can't wait for the next chapter.
10/18/2014 c10 kudaman
This was a cool chapter. I would like to point out that you have less and less grammar errors with every passing chapter so that's a good thing. Now to the review. The beginning was kind of slow for me but put things picked up quickly. This chapter showed that Hirokazu has grown and become a good leader in the post-apocalypse and that Masaru is still a beast. I really enjoyed the semi moment he and Daisuke had. One thing I did notice though was Icedevimon was far more powerful than his Tamers counterpart, but still not as strong as frontiers Icedevimon. Im looking forward to the rest of the battle and a little team work from Daisuke and Masaru. I would like to see Takato and Juri next chapter as well i'm sure you have a plan for them. Till next time.
This was a cool chapter. I would like to point out that you have less and less grammar errors with every passing chapter so that's a good thing. Now to the review. The beginning was kind of slow for me but put things picked up quickly. This chapter showed that Hirokazu has grown and become a good leader in the post-apocalypse and that Masaru is still a beast. I really enjoyed the semi moment he and Daisuke had. One thing I did notice though was Icedevimon was far more powerful than his Tamers counterpart, but still not as strong as frontiers Icedevimon. Im looking forward to the rest of the battle and a little team work from Daisuke and Masaru. I would like to see Takato and Juri next chapter as well i'm sure you have a plan for them. Till next time.
10/8/2014 c9 kudaman
I really enjoyed this chapter. Its nice to see that the DDD isn't as righteous as the rookies may have thought. One of my favorite things about this story is the world you are building. It's very grey and has alot of potential. Veedramon is great, the perfect contrast to XV-mon with how aggresive and almost feral he is in combat. Having Takato and Juri witness the one sided massacre was well done. They got to see up close what Defenders need to do and what THEY will most likely have to do in the future. Seeing that the world isn't black and white can lead to some very good character development. I can't wait for the next chapter. IceDevimon is a good choice for a first villain for the future team, and a first victim for Masaru, or Veedramon depending on how unlucky he his. Also he mentioned Ruki. Does that mean we'll be seeing her soon? Update soon!
I really enjoyed this chapter. Its nice to see that the DDD isn't as righteous as the rookies may have thought. One of my favorite things about this story is the world you are building. It's very grey and has alot of potential. Veedramon is great, the perfect contrast to XV-mon with how aggresive and almost feral he is in combat. Having Takato and Juri witness the one sided massacre was well done. They got to see up close what Defenders need to do and what THEY will most likely have to do in the future. Seeing that the world isn't black and white can lead to some very good character development. I can't wait for the next chapter. IceDevimon is a good choice for a first villain for the future team, and a first victim for Masaru, or Veedramon depending on how unlucky he his. Also he mentioned Ruki. Does that mean we'll be seeing her soon? Update soon!
10/8/2014 c8 kudaman
Nice chapter. I see that Juri is still her cheerful and innocent self, like before Leomons death. I like what you did with Kazu and Takato interaction. It revealed some of the past while exploring Kazu's character, he never did seem like the type to hold a grudge and I can see him poking fun at Takato. Next chapter should be interesting, we finally get some action. Im looking forward to seeing a what a master class can do.
Nice chapter. I see that Juri is still her cheerful and innocent self, like before Leomons death. I like what you did with Kazu and Takato interaction. It revealed some of the past while exploring Kazu's character, he never did seem like the type to hold a grudge and I can see him poking fun at Takato. Next chapter should be interesting, we finally get some action. Im looking forward to seeing a what a master class can do.