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7/9/2015 c1 Guest
I loved this story ! I tried very hard not to laugh out loud because it's midnight and it would be suspicious and all but Shinichi is so cute in this and Kaito is soooo... well Kaito. And I found Ran and Sonoko's reaction pretty funny too ! I would love to read more of your stories ! D
6/27/2015 c1 29YokaiAngel
Oh Kaito look what you did. Now the fangirls are going to kill Shinichi. Love the story~
5/31/2015 c1 14xBandanaRosesx
Haha, so funny!
5/11/2015 c1 squeeeeeeeeeeeee
This had me rolling on the floor fangirling. Man this is good XDDDD

I wanna see the Kid fangirls' reactions to the news ;-D
2/28/2015 c1 5Shana-Fujioka
That was so cute and funny! Imagining Shinichi in a maid costume... just hilarious! And Sonoko and Ran agreeing, that Kid would like it, if he wouldn't wear any clothes and the question "Was Kid a good kisser?". I couldn't stop laughing! xD

And a question... is there a second part? Not because it doesn't seem like there's an end, because there is (and a good one at that), but there's no "status: complete" in the description.
1/10/2015 c1 35Chic White
Finally... I have time to read this, haha!

Thanks for the story. I'm still curious. What the hell Shinichi wear, anyway? Seems like it made Kid turned on, huh? XD
12/16/2014 c1 50Alaena F. Dragonstar
. Ehehe, that was fun. It was particularly funny how the task force ganged up to tease Shinichi. I also liked the line about the after image.
Ran and Sonoko sure have amazing timing.
11/23/2014 c1 5LMeg9.20
loved this
11/19/2014 c1 9mochiusagi
Shinichi in a maid costume *nosebleed* I don't blame Kaito for not being able to keep his hands off of Shinichi. *snickers*
10/21/2014 c1 4incandescent stars
Aww that was so cute! I really wish you'd write more.
10/13/2014 c1 772Takara Phoenix
*laughs* This was very sweet indeed. xD
Aside from the obvious bacon-is-best where I have to totally agree, I love pervy!Kaito. And poor oblivious little Shinichi. *grins*
You have a very nice flow to your style, I like that.
Greetings, Phoe
9/29/2014 c1 15Black-Kat Jinx
I am more than happy to review your story and give you what constructive criticism I can. Consider this thank you for reviewing my own fic! ]

That being said, I really enjoyed this. There was plenty of humor and it had me smiling throughout most of it. The Task Force, Hakuba and Nakamori's reactions tickled me pink. Kaito, you sly dog you! And the ending with the kiss and Kaito stealing the bacon... Loved it!

"So fast he left an afterimage" was pretty creative too.

Criticism wise there isn't much I can touch on that hasn't already been said by your other reviewers. I'll start by agreeing that the story did feel choppy in a few places and the flow wasn't as smooth as it could be, but that could be because of the format. Not having any real paragraphs and just single sentences did not take away from the story itself, but it did throw me off slightly.

However, after reading through it a second time I had no problems.

As Mikauzoran said, you'll fall into your own style the more you write. The commas really were a bit overwhelming though, and there were several places where you could change how you structured your sentences by simply adding/removing/changing a word or two.

"At the stroke of midnight, the phantom thief appeared, smirking arrogantly as he held up the jewel, elegantly, over his head."

Remove a few commas, the word up and change over to above and you get:

"At the stroke of midnight the Phantom Thief appeared, smirking arrogantly as he held the jewel elegantly above his head."

(Just an example. I am by no means telling you that this is how it should have been done. I am just showing you another way it could of been written; like how I would have.)

I can't say much about the kissing scenes since I don't usually write them myself, let alone in such detail.

Also "complement" should be "compliment" but that was the only spelling mistake I noticed. As Luna said, it is nothing that can't be fixed by proofreading. (I've actually missed spelling mistakes myself and have edited chapters to fix them, several hours after they were already posted.)

Not sure if any of this helps as I do not give criticism often, but overall it was a great read and you have a lot of potential! I look forward to more of your writing in the future! ]
9/25/2014 c1 104Mikauzoran
Hello there!

I suppose I'll just go in order of the things I noted while I was reading. Sorry this isn't going to be a very organized review. It's getting close to puppy bedtime, and Eiko and Noiz have fallen asleep on my bed, so I'm trying to get this typed out before they get too comfortable. .; Actually, let me put them to sleep and then try to organize my thoughts better. Now look who's the one babbling. Oh well. I assume that, like me, you don't mind in the least.

Okay. Let's do grammar and usage and all that good constructive criticism stuff first so that we can get it out of the way and I can tell you about all the awesome things you did. First things first, commas. You have quite a few commas out of place, which normally an editor would fix for you. I don't think most people notice, and it certainly doesn't impede your story's effectiveness, but I'm a grammar nazi, so I noticed. One basic rule of thumb is to read the sentence out loud. Did you pause while reading that sentence? If so, that's a clue that you probably need a comma there. You can do a google search about how and when to use commas if you're interested in brushing up on it. You could probably also ask an English teacher for some pointers too.

Secondly, you didn't do this too much, but it's a helpful reminder for all writers, since we all have words that we tend to overuse. When you're going back through editing, pay attention to how often you use the same word or words. Is there a different way you can phrase it so that you don't use the same noun or adjective three times in one paragraph, for example? Could you use a thesaurus to find a different way of saying it? Changing it up and using a wide vocabulary is an important skill for an author. Don't go too crazy with the big fancy words, though. Readers don't want to have to pull out a dictionary every time they read your work.

Third, a note of caution: be careful with your verb tenses. Most of the time you were writing in the past tense, but there were a couple times when you slipped into the present tense. There are some times when it's grammatically correct to do so, but your use of present tense didn't fall under those exceptions.

Now for my feedback about the story and the writing itself. I don't really have much to criticize about the content. There were times when the writing was a little choppy, but it really wasn't what I'd consider "bad" by any means. You'll smooth things out naturally as you settle into your own style and get some more practice, so I wouldn't worry about it at all. Just keep writing and getting into your groove.

As you mentioned in your PM that other reviewers told you, the romance was a little cliched and needs some work, but you're young and I'd be sad if you had a wealth of romantic experience to draw from, so don't worry about that too much either. Just study others' work and see how they do it and what works. And then make it your own. You'll see that a lot of people when doing romantic scenes will use a lot of the same expressions and words and phrases and progressions. Use your imagination and come up with your own scenarios and ways of saying things. Whenever I'm about to write something I've heard a million times before (like "as white as milk" "as heavy as a ton of bricks" "as red as a tomato"), I stop and think, "Now, how else can I say that?" What else is white? Eggshells. What else is heavy? A concert piano. What else is red? Peonies. See? Use your own words, make your own clever phrases. You've got the talent to do it, you just need to pause and take the time to make it your own.

The only other thing that I have to "criticize" is that I think that Shinichi decided that he was in love too fast. I would have him question it and debate and struggle over it a little. He kind of does that at the restaurant after the fact, though, but I'd hold off on the "l" word until later. It doesn't have to be much later. He could possibly decide he was in love later that evening after thinking about how Kid heists made him feel and how he felt drawn to Kid and etcetera, etcetera.

Okay, now the good stuff. I think you did a really good job with the first fic you published! I'm so proud of you! Great work! You had some really good moments and some nice writing in there. Like I said before, it'll all fall into place as you grow into your own style. I'm excited for your future writing!

The first thing I liked was the part about the crowds acting like sheep, "very badly behaved sheep". The mental image was cute and funny, and I liked the delivery of the line, how you said they were like sheep and then you went back and added on to that comment in the parenthesis.

Secondly, I loved a lot of your descriptions. Like how Sonoko made "diva motions" at Shinichi and how Nakamori-keibu was a "human megaphone". Those were really clever. I don't think I've seen those before, so good job!

I also liked how in response to Kid complimenting Shinichi's body, instead of just swooning for the thief right there, Shinichi wanted to be praised for his intellectual skill. That was a good bit of characterization right there. I think it does a good job of staying true to Shinichi's personality. And then in a typical Kaito fashion, Kid gets dirty, saying that he bets Shinichi would be good in bed. Oh, Kaito. That was very spot on.

In addition, I really enjoyed the taskforce's reaction to the scene. Especially the guy that asked if Kid was a good kisser. It was very amusing.

All in all, you did a good job! You should be proud of your work! Just let me know if you have any questions! Sorry I wrote you a novel. .; See you soon!

-Kara (aka: Mikau)
9/23/2014 c1 Bunnyz-chan
This story was very interesting. I liked the plot, and the actual story was really cute, and kinda funny, and I like that the bacon was in there twice. Interestingly enough, I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, so good job on that. However, the whole story seemed kinda awkward. The was the sentences were formed was a little weird, and the way they spoke was odd, especially in the romance parts. But the story itself was very good, I had fun reading it. So good job ;D
9/22/2014 c1 newlife1412
i like like love this #gets slapped
this fanfic is like the fanfic i've waited for long, author san.
thank you for making this.
i love it when shinichi acts innocent and thinks that KID will not do something so 'fun' to him.
i mean, how can shinichi think that KID doesn't care with what Shinichi are wearing.
aigoo shin chan is so cute. hehe
and i like how KID react with it.
oh! and its funny how polices and hakuba react about the kiss. lolz.
your style is like other great author who make fanfic 'The Unexpected Lover' (KaiShin).
please dont think it wrong way. i mean you guys have cute style and beautiful way to make KaiShin fanfic

im sorry i can review just now
i already wanted to review when i read this for the first time but time didn't on my side that time.
and im sorry that i talk a lot.
keep writing, author san.
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