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9/15/2014 c1 Guest
Yep, humilitating and molesting someone you like in front of a police taskforce is totally romantic, cute and a good basis for a healthy realationship and not in the least sordid, as long as you're a good kisser. Well done, Kaito!
9/16/2014 c1 6Yami no Tsuki
Haha, you when i said i would read this 24hours ago? I lied.
Come to think of it, it's actually rather fitting, considering you wrote this late.

Anyway.
There were some aspects of this I really liked, (although some I'm not altogether sure were intentional...) and I shall try to remember them all.
1) the kissing bit I have two opinions on, but here's the good bit: I thought it was cool how you went from this really focused, detailed description of their making-out to '-OH SHIT there are other people here embarrassment'. It was a good contrast, and really effectively showed Shinichi's point of view.
2) Shinichi's disorientation and panic after Kaito left was funny XD
3) just the eyebrow-raising of the 'waiter' gave me the best mental picture
4) I liked how you had the bacon in twice, which turned it from a random, unrelated thing to a significant link and holy shit I've been doing too much English. Uh. Sorry. It's true, though.

On the other hand, my criticisms. I apologise in advance, but I can understand that you would want to improve your writing. I'll do my best to help.
1) well, actually I only have two points, and they're pretty much the same thing. I'll just use a paragraph.
Virtually the only thing that I had issue with was one thing, but it was very recurrent (if that makes sense), so it got really distracting. Basically, almost all of the romance-y parts were written very oddly. Those bits tended to be clumsily written and WAY cliché, which was not only irritating but a jarring contrast to the rest of it, which was rather well-written. Except for one or two sentences that just had slightly odd phrasing. So yeah, the parts that were romance-oriented, (especially when they were kissing, but also I think when Shinichi was thinking about it) were just very weirdly (and awkwardly) phrased, with odd adverbs/adjectives, and you know when people use descriptions instead of using the actual word to be interesting? Yeah, those went a bit haywire sometimes. Although I maintain that it is an excellent technique when used wisely.
2) oh wait also, I think I saw two instances with strange punctuation, but I'm REALLY pedantic about that, so I shouldn't worry. Actually, I forgot to mention, you had an almost complete lack of technical mistakes, so well done. :)
Also, I think at one point you meant 'vertebra' (section of bone in the spine), not 'vertebrate' (animal with a skeleton) (and if not, I have no idea what you meant), but actually I would suggest just cutting out that bit altogether, as leaving it at 'spread to every corner of his body' is perfectly acceptable.

I would like to add that I don't think you have a problem with pacing at all, and in fact it was quite nicely neither too short, without any padding around key events (*coughmecough*) or too long and more waffly and boring than made it fun to read. Also, in case I didn't make clear earlier, the bits that weren't romance-based and odd were nicely written.

To sum up what is possibly the longest review I have ever written (and that's saying something), I think that you are definitely a talented writer, but you should work on making your romance-writing fit in with your normal writing, because it makes a rather startling transition between totally different styles(?) several times.

God I hope this has been helpful. Oh and keep in mind that all of this is based on this one piece of writing and I have no idea what your other stuff might be like.

Yami :)
9/15/2014 c1 1bakakonekochan
OMG! I think my brain is now just fried bacon! I totally loved this and so hoped it wouldn't end... sadly it had too, but I frigging loved every minutes reading this! 3 thanks for the awesome work! Kid-sama totally roxx!
9/14/2014 c1 169Luna Darkside
*squeals* Oh my God! You actually wrote it! *flaps around room elatedly*

Anyway, wow, I'm speechless. This was such a fun fic to read. I especially adored the "Was Kid THAT good of a kisser?" and the "GET THE BOY SOME CLOTHES" moments. I can totally picture the super awkward silence after Kid left. *thumbs up*

As far as constructive criticism goes, I think the plot itself was good, although the pacing was a tiny bit fast - but who am I to talk, really? Pacing is something I struggle with. Also, I personally don't like the use of Japanese in fan fiction - for example, "keibu" - but that's mostly a style choice that every writer makes for themselves. There were a couple of grammar mistakes (although I don't think there were any spelling ones, so yay!), but nothing that can't be fixed with a little proofreading or a beta reader.

But all in all, this was an EXCELLENT read! I hope you write a ton more and contribute to the KaiShin/ShinKai movement! XD
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