for Martyr10/13/2014 c1 
67Curtashiism
I am fond of Ken's character, but you really don't appear to have put much effort into this story. For one, the grammar is poor. Surely if you are capable of operating a computer, you know that EVERY sentence must end with either a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Further, your tone is far too informal, and the use of dialogue tags, like (huffs) instead of "he huffed" doesn't work either.
Secondly, you don't seem to have developed the story. Sure, things happen, but they aren't explained or really developed. There is no buildup or explanation; they just happen. For example, Lewis attacking Ken isn't explained, nor is why Lewis is suddenly fond of attacking gay men. Not that you have to develop everything in the first chapter but there needs to be some level of thought shown and this just really doesn't do that. Lewis is shown in canon to attack women, mostly disabled, old, or young ones, because they are easier targets for him. He can't "get it up" for Olivia because she's too strong and struggles too much. So if he goes after Ken, a young, tall, strong man, there needs to be something in the text that explains the change. Is Lewis planning on torturing him to send a message to Olivia? Does he want a bigger "challenge"?
Further, while some bits of your story do have potential to be poignant storylines, many of them are delivered in a cliched manner. Is it really necessary to state that Ken will never be the same after being raped? As SVU fans, we already know this.
A lot of your dialogue is just... off, especially for Lewis. If Lewis wanted to humiliate Ken with his orgasm he would do something different. And the way Lewis talks to Ken during the rapes does not match the Lewis shown on SVU. Lewis didn't swear that often. He was more intimidating. He would make threats and taunts, but wasn't "crude" so to speak. Quite honestly, it sounds like you wrote an original character instead of Lewis, and it might actually be better if you changed the story to make it this way.
On a similar note, your descriptions of sex and sexual things... aren't working. Ken referring to a penis as a "one eyed trouser snake" is not cute, unique, funny, or in character; it is frankly immature and reeks of the writer simply being too afraid to write the word "penis". You seem to skate around the words as you describe the rape, which hurts your story. It is okay to use the words "penis" and "erection." If you can write a rape, you can write the proper terms for body parts and functions.
There needs to be a certain level of effort put into a good fanfic. I think if you sat back, planned things out, and then edited this story it could be a great one. As it is it comes across as bizarre, rushed, and full of cliches.
67CurtashiismI am fond of Ken's character, but you really don't appear to have put much effort into this story. For one, the grammar is poor. Surely if you are capable of operating a computer, you know that EVERY sentence must end with either a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Further, your tone is far too informal, and the use of dialogue tags, like (huffs) instead of "he huffed" doesn't work either.
Secondly, you don't seem to have developed the story. Sure, things happen, but they aren't explained or really developed. There is no buildup or explanation; they just happen. For example, Lewis attacking Ken isn't explained, nor is why Lewis is suddenly fond of attacking gay men. Not that you have to develop everything in the first chapter but there needs to be some level of thought shown and this just really doesn't do that. Lewis is shown in canon to attack women, mostly disabled, old, or young ones, because they are easier targets for him. He can't "get it up" for Olivia because she's too strong and struggles too much. So if he goes after Ken, a young, tall, strong man, there needs to be something in the text that explains the change. Is Lewis planning on torturing him to send a message to Olivia? Does he want a bigger "challenge"?
Further, while some bits of your story do have potential to be poignant storylines, many of them are delivered in a cliched manner. Is it really necessary to state that Ken will never be the same after being raped? As SVU fans, we already know this.
A lot of your dialogue is just... off, especially for Lewis. If Lewis wanted to humiliate Ken with his orgasm he would do something different. And the way Lewis talks to Ken during the rapes does not match the Lewis shown on SVU. Lewis didn't swear that often. He was more intimidating. He would make threats and taunts, but wasn't "crude" so to speak. Quite honestly, it sounds like you wrote an original character instead of Lewis, and it might actually be better if you changed the story to make it this way.
On a similar note, your descriptions of sex and sexual things... aren't working. Ken referring to a penis as a "one eyed trouser snake" is not cute, unique, funny, or in character; it is frankly immature and reeks of the writer simply being too afraid to write the word "penis". You seem to skate around the words as you describe the rape, which hurts your story. It is okay to use the words "penis" and "erection." If you can write a rape, you can write the proper terms for body parts and functions.
There needs to be a certain level of effort put into a good fanfic. I think if you sat back, planned things out, and then edited this story it could be a great one. As it is it comes across as bizarre, rushed, and full of cliches.