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8/22/2016 c6 11sarista wow
That was weird, but entertaining, poor Kiba! Finding out it was all an act made the whole thing hilarious though!

Solid descriptions,nice use of cut aways and you dolled out the necessary expositions and descriptions to frame and explain events without breaking the pacing or flow.
8/22/2016 c4 sarista wow
I noticed one slight error: 'get fit in a fight' I think you meant hit.

Seriously though I adored this chapter, the framing of events was excellent, Naruto felt like an older version of himself, and the various descriptors for the various accomplishments, failures ETC were fantastic and entertainingly clever.

I was rather impressed by the explanation behind the set up and the various universes we glimpsed were reallycool!
8/22/2016 c1 sarista wow
OK I finally found some free time and got together some focus so lets review!

On the first scene this was over all really well done. I think you managed to frame the exposition incredibly well, using Naruto observing others and reflecting on his isolation as a jumping off point to go into the puppet show and Ami. I get the distinct impression you implied Ami was physically abused, either for talking t Naruto or just in general, in either case, haunting, but believable. I do however feel Naruto was rather articulate for a small child and his language rather rigid.

I think 'he' was overused a fair bit during the second scene and while I know Naruto's life was no bed of roses this degree of callousness from a faceless teacher feels a tad forced. The descriptions were good though and his shock palatable.

I'm a bit confused by scene 3, parents came to pick up their kids but its also recess, and Naruko? Good job showing a depressed downtrodden feel and tone, though it feels a bit odd for Naruto, though we do know he felt like that at times even if he fought against it by being loud and in people's faces.

Interesting interactions with the Kyuubi, I confess though to never having quite been able to get behind the 'sister is loved and treated well and Naruto is treated like crap and not acknowledged child' plot as it doesn't make much sense to me. The Kyuubi was on point regardless being both grand, manipulative, but at the same time not possessing the greatest of vocabularies/imagination.

I rather liked Naruto's interaction with the librarian, a nice bit of near jocularity in an otherwise rather grim tale.

'Took the back going back to the main office'I think there's a slight error there. The practised nature of Naruto's responses is well handled and shows a lot without telling. Aw she was worried :(

Visceral and distressing descriptions for the self harm scene.

I'm glad the Kyuubi couldn't offer Naruto Ninja training as that really wouldn't make sense and the explanation was really well done, whenever the Kyuubi strops referencing dung piles it gets rather eloquent :D

The Third felt a bit disconnected and gullible, but descriptions and transitions were very smoothly done and the story/segment flowed to a natural end and has solid pacing and a consistent tone all the way through that made reading it smooth and seamless.
6/29/2015 c7 tastybigsexy
That would be a banging story I want to read it now and know what happen next.
10/22/2014 c1 100phantom
wow i am curios to see where this goes, It has an interesting start. Good luck i look forward to this story future development.

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