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12/12/2014 c1 Ev1l
I don't think Mother Bridely will be punnished, it is the Grey Guards the companions escaped from, after all, not her, I think you should continue with her receiving majic, but of course she would lose it or die when the Belt Of Deltora is restored.
11/17/2014 c1 30KM2000
This is good. I just noticed a few things that you maybe could improve. First of all, Doom's eyes are dark, not green. Second, you've been 'telling' the story in some parts, for example you wrote at one point 'Doom was not pleased', when you could have shown that instead. Eg: Doom frowned, but he unbuckled a dagger from his belt.
You also used adjectives when I thought it seemed unnecessary. Eg The Ol chuckled cruelly. You shouldn't have to add 'cruelly'; the reader should already see that he is being cruel. There were also some minor typos, and you spelt Thaegan incorrectly.
I also thought that there could have been more of Mother Brightly's thoughts and feelings in parts of the story, it is her pov, remember, and you're in her head so to speak.
Apart from that, I liked your story. You chose an interesting idea and I liked that you included Doom and stuck to canon.
Great job! :)
11/13/2014 c1 Guest
Ooh - brilliantly creepy! Of COURSE an Ol would turn into a fly to overhear stuff, too - I never thought of that before!
11/10/2014 c1 9PJ Blindclown
Hi,
Another brilliant work from you! It makes sense that Dain was involved in the games, I mean, yeah, surely Mother Brightly knew who he was. If there's one thing the shaddow lord is really, really good at, it's networking. Did you involve the games weapons based on the anime? Or was that a personal choice? Personally, I prefer the idea of people beating the shit out of one another, just because the shaddow lord doesn't soften things either.
Anyways, I look forward to the next chapter!
Keep it up,
PJ

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