Just In
for New Justice

5/6/2017 c11 1JamesTKent
Rats. I guess you've decided not to continue.

I was just getting into their interactions.
5/30/2016 c1 HaywireEagle
Right. 1st Chapter Bios are rather a poor way of introducing an OC character. This one is no different.

The origin story was bland, simplistic, and generally quite boring in my opinion. 15 year olds still in high school don't get jobs as research assistants in a bio-lab, or what have you. (Interns; yes, assistants; no.)And they would most definitely not be doing blood work or working the needle. Kids usually run papers, transport samples, and help with innane work while if they are lucky get to peek at the work and get a bit some insight on lab procedure and help every once in a while.

Spider-Man's excuse is that his origin story was drawn up in the sixties where lab safety was low and radiation was everywhere and it was the thing everyone was getting powers from. There were also occasionally communists as well, but they were usually a side story or a mood setter.

Animal research and exprimentation would not involve wolves(especially wild ones). There is a reason why they use rodents. They breed quickly, cheap, small, and results are easy to monitor. Though, If they were to do work/tests on a potentially aggressive animal. They are secured, sedated, muzzled, and if available caged. So a wolf suddenly jumping up and biting the arm isn't all that believable.

If you are going to present this as a 'case file' you are not going to then just turn around and have a bit of a first person narration of his origin story. It would be clinical; i.e. Height, weight, occupation, incident, cause of incident, and other minutiae. These would be used to raise hype and make you wonder about the exact details. You just throw it out there. If this was a file, it wouldn't be labled "origin story".

They wouldn't submit a transcript as the main source. They'd research, collaborate, and compile. A transcript of his version of things would be attached though.

This chapter does a poor job at enticing me to look further and making me curious to see what else you might have in store.

In the end it was just kind of cringe worthy; especially with the whole first person POV thing. I can't really see more interest than what curiosity the description intially rose..

At least have the decency to tack on an OC marker in the character list. Especially when it seems this is going to be the character the story revolves around or a main focus of different plot lines.

That being said, at least you tried.

My advice; do a bit research in the backstory, plan it out better, and hammer out the kinks so it doesn't look like you threw it together and didn't give it too much thought. It makes for a decent enough first draft.

Good luck, but this fic is not for me.
2/15/2016 c9 Guest
I am really enjoying this story. I can't believe no one has reviewed it yet. Please keep writing, can't wait to read more.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service