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1/23/2017 c5 Guest
Im really sorry but I cant read this. The story actually seems pretty interesting and the first few chapters are written nicely, as long as you ignore the grammar/spelling mistakes. Im probably sounding way hardher than I want to, Im sorry for that, I do believe you did a good job and that you tried hard and please continue doing so :)

The problem is: in chapter 5 it sounded like you were in a hurry thus only used short sentences. So you are creating the image of someone who just briefly summarizes a whole story. Im not quiet a fun of the "bullet-point-technique".

However, I appreciate your work and wish you all the best :)
8/1/2016 c6 Debbie Hicks
Suddenly All of teenagers and youngest sibling DRAINED AS VERY FAR WAY OAF VERY FAR WAY TRIGAZILLIOS OF AS ALL OF BOOD TOO LATE THE vOLTURI DISCOVRTED THEM AS ALL OF THEM WHO ORDERED THE hoenenix coven then it was too late Cursed from here then forced them to taste as all of human blood and then the Cullens's seer with them but suddenly time-spit then suddenly Venom was from Vulcan Rattlesnakes and all of the sudden the wwre Destroyed as all of Washington were Altered ten bursting fromhere thenno longer humans but Creatures of the Night cursed with bitter Immortality ten as all of of all of bodies very far gazillions or ten thousands or more than as all of them remaining few and las finailist then bursting from here with as all of all of Donated ids with as all of Packs with mated women But with mated pets Vanished crunching from here as all of with teir own but suddenly vanishing wwre more then burst outside more much many more as all of Guards drained of blood bitten but murdred as all of them with their own as all of the Supernatural beings BTTEN BUT Overdrained again burst freely with teir own then suddenly killed Alice what are they lets go they were stopped killed but tortured then murdered as all of them but withoutsid corpses freed te were more than as all of then snapped silenced then freed of the bodies with families aboard with time-split as all of them but it was far too much with three Exploding but it was DESTROYED! But Shattered were more than as all of it then exploding as all of it were more then DESTROYED That was it but more than as all of bodies brought in here but that cities were merged then it was into the truest dying black hole with as all of them found Vulcan CRUNCHED but it had more then on planets ten exploding but suddenly ANUKINGIT AS ALL OF IT Far too coloses Brought A eARTH Merged then planets merged wit suns and moons followed then the ravaged worlds then it was too late a Halves of seeds then but it was too late the bodies as all of them but brought in here were the few last ones ten killed as all of them but much many more as all of guards then disposed of the bodies into as all of lands then suddenly Vampires ripped loose their own young as all of tem but suddenly families were old people they found tem as all of slaves left teir young trust funds and destroyed now their world interbreeding ten as all of them their cruel carnivorious selvs exploding as Truest Vampires that history did change forever then suddenly as all of the surviveors never had kids again but they evolved.
7/31/2016 c2 3X-NessieCullen-X
Why the switch in names? It doesn't make much sense.
11/3/2015 c5 LSU lovePurple liveGold
i love your story so much! i cant wait to see what happens next! please update soon!
5/10/2015 c5 Laura
Liking your start really want to see where your taking thus story so please update soon
2/1/2015 c5 belladu57
Very good
1/11/2015 c1 Guest
Not as good as another fanfic I read, and it feels exactly the same just worn out.
12/7/2014 c2 17TJ0729
The lack of paragraphs made this chapter extremely difficult to read.

I also find the switch between names to be very confusing.

I do think you have a unique idea that a stepsister comes to help Bella. Lots of OC's but I'm not sure one like this...
12/3/2014 c4 GirlOnFire13579
Honestly, you're doing good here.

But... Do you proofread this before you submit? I am not trying to be mean. I really like the story line so far, but the grammar is very... Erratic.
For example, several times you begin a sentence in what seems to be the middle of it. It's like you forgot to throw in the first few words. Or other times you end it too quickly or leave out words entirely; like, 'and then she up. The ate donut.'. Obviously, this isn't a quote from you, just an example. Just, be sure to put all the words into the correct spots. It can get irritating.
I feel like I am being extremely rude my critisizing your work, I just want you to know these things. Also, when a different person talks, it is a new paragraph. No matter how brief it is. Such as:
"Do you need help with that?" She asked gently.

I'm just saying.
Other than those things, I like the story so far. keep it up :)
12/3/2014 c3 2Lelleg
Will she be inga paring? How dose she look like?

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