for All That I Have11/27/2015 c1 
11Anonymaustrap
Hiyo! Thanks for putting this up. I wanted to go over what worked for me and what didn't work for me. I'm familiar with the fandom enough to be dangerous, but I do read these things as though they are meant to stand on their own in a way. Feel free to take this entire review with a grain of salt. Here we go.
You've got some really good imagery here. I liked "salt-soaked iron" and he use of the cool, wet cloth. I do like how the pain is supposed to slash through muscle and bone, especially as many of these wounds would be from blades. It is a terminology that fits the time. You use blood a lot. It's appropriate, but not gratuitous. Strangely enough you also use salt a lot - blood and salt are very strong images from the bible. I think it fits pretty well.
I think you do a fantastic job on the moment between Courfeyrac and those trying to save them. You really make the intimacy come clear.
What doesn't work for me:
"The darkness comes quicker than he expected" is akin to "It was a dark and stormy night". Don't tell me, especially when you've clearly worked to try and show so much. I can't see the purpose. Also, if the darkness does come quickly. Make the writing quick.
"The iron jars painfully" that didn't work for me because I'm not sure what the iron refers to - the taste of iron? But also, the iron jars could be jars made of iron. The brain does funny things, similar to "your door is ajar"/" Its not a jar, it's a door".
Wailing bayonets - I didn't understand this image, which is why it didn't work for me, also, the use of rattling bayonets making a rattling wail really rattled me.
You use blooming four times, which seems too soon for such a short piece. If you were going after flower imagery, I could understand it.
I don't think I need to know that the windpipe exhales carbon dioxide in order the pressure of the moment. It's almost like the moment got overanalyzed.
So thanks for putting this up for review. I'd be happy to look at any edits.
11AnonymaustrapHiyo! Thanks for putting this up. I wanted to go over what worked for me and what didn't work for me. I'm familiar with the fandom enough to be dangerous, but I do read these things as though they are meant to stand on their own in a way. Feel free to take this entire review with a grain of salt. Here we go.
You've got some really good imagery here. I liked "salt-soaked iron" and he use of the cool, wet cloth. I do like how the pain is supposed to slash through muscle and bone, especially as many of these wounds would be from blades. It is a terminology that fits the time. You use blood a lot. It's appropriate, but not gratuitous. Strangely enough you also use salt a lot - blood and salt are very strong images from the bible. I think it fits pretty well.
I think you do a fantastic job on the moment between Courfeyrac and those trying to save them. You really make the intimacy come clear.
What doesn't work for me:
"The darkness comes quicker than he expected" is akin to "It was a dark and stormy night". Don't tell me, especially when you've clearly worked to try and show so much. I can't see the purpose. Also, if the darkness does come quickly. Make the writing quick.
"The iron jars painfully" that didn't work for me because I'm not sure what the iron refers to - the taste of iron? But also, the iron jars could be jars made of iron. The brain does funny things, similar to "your door is ajar"/" Its not a jar, it's a door".
Wailing bayonets - I didn't understand this image, which is why it didn't work for me, also, the use of rattling bayonets making a rattling wail really rattled me.
You use blooming four times, which seems too soon for such a short piece. If you were going after flower imagery, I could understand it.
I don't think I need to know that the windpipe exhales carbon dioxide in order the pressure of the moment. It's almost like the moment got overanalyzed.
So thanks for putting this up for review. I'd be happy to look at any edits.
11/27/2015 c1 acctdisabled
Hi there, your story was in our RLT archives and figured I’d check it out since it sounded very interesting. First of all , the imagery is unbelievably beautiful, and really captured the feelings of Courfeyrac excellently. From the ‘bursting bloom of pain,’ ‘never ending rattle of the bayonets,’ and ‘shockingly scarlet’ blood are just a few examples of the types of imagery that really set the scene for the devastation going on around Courfeyrac.
I enjoyed the aspect of an omnipresent voice telling Courfeyrac not to die and to hang on-it was very jarring in contrast to the stuff going on the background. I would suggest actually increasing that section of the scene to further amplify the meaning of it- its great stuff. Perhaps stating that the voice dims out would transition the image back to reality stronger as well. Combeferre’s dialogue was great, and I thought you executed the ending on a very somber yet subtle note. I’m not a fan of overly graphic scenes, so I appreciated the subtly behind it.
A few SPaG suggestions:
[the darkness comes quicker] probably change this to ‘came’ since its implied the darkness already came
[never ending rattle] I’d actually suggest removing the second rattle because you really don’t need it in there.
[blooming with blood…] I’d also recommend changing out blooming since it was used earlier to describe pain in the first line.
[a rally on the streets….a whispered kiss] this is a highly fragmented sentence that disrupts the flow, perhaps breaking into two separate ones?
Great job!
Hi there, your story was in our RLT archives and figured I’d check it out since it sounded very interesting. First of all , the imagery is unbelievably beautiful, and really captured the feelings of Courfeyrac excellently. From the ‘bursting bloom of pain,’ ‘never ending rattle of the bayonets,’ and ‘shockingly scarlet’ blood are just a few examples of the types of imagery that really set the scene for the devastation going on around Courfeyrac.
I enjoyed the aspect of an omnipresent voice telling Courfeyrac not to die and to hang on-it was very jarring in contrast to the stuff going on the background. I would suggest actually increasing that section of the scene to further amplify the meaning of it- its great stuff. Perhaps stating that the voice dims out would transition the image back to reality stronger as well. Combeferre’s dialogue was great, and I thought you executed the ending on a very somber yet subtle note. I’m not a fan of overly graphic scenes, so I appreciated the subtly behind it.
A few SPaG suggestions:
[the darkness comes quicker] probably change this to ‘came’ since its implied the darkness already came
[never ending rattle] I’d actually suggest removing the second rattle because you really don’t need it in there.
[blooming with blood…] I’d also recommend changing out blooming since it was used earlier to describe pain in the first line.
[a rally on the streets….a whispered kiss] this is a highly fragmented sentence that disrupts the flow, perhaps breaking into two separate ones?
Great job!
11/21/2015 c1 011011101010
“…mirroring the scarlet kisses that trickle from an unknown wound at his temple…” Love this line. ‘Scarlet kisses’ is probably the most hauntingly beautiful description in this entire piece, and that’s impressive because the descriptions are what make this one-shot for me. Absolutely lovely.
Now, if you were male, French, and living in C19th Paris it might have been nice for these two people’s names to be a little more different. I was super confused when I first read it because I thought the names were the same – he was being held by either someone with the same name or was imagining being held by himself. Once I re-read the story it all came together nicely though, and the part where Combferre is begging him to hang on was really, really powerful.
Being canon blind (I saw the play once in highschool but all I remember is how epic the giant wall was - we were very far away from the stage and I may or may not have been listening…) I don’t know if you just took a canon moment and built upon it or if this death is of your own creation. It doesn’t matter to me because the brotherhood between these two people was so clearly shown in so few words that I don’t need their background story. That they are in a war is obvious, that Feyrac is suffering is well-described, and how upsetting this moment is to Combferre made me almost equally upset.
“…a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips.” I love how you ended this story. Actually, it took me reading it twice to tell that you wrote the whole thing in present tense, which is where a lot of the power of this story comes from. We get to live this moment with Feyrac and it is heart-wrenching to experience his pain, confusion, and ultimate surrender to death.
Thanks for a really powerful one-shot. Ckorkows
“…mirroring the scarlet kisses that trickle from an unknown wound at his temple…” Love this line. ‘Scarlet kisses’ is probably the most hauntingly beautiful description in this entire piece, and that’s impressive because the descriptions are what make this one-shot for me. Absolutely lovely.
Now, if you were male, French, and living in C19th Paris it might have been nice for these two people’s names to be a little more different. I was super confused when I first read it because I thought the names were the same – he was being held by either someone with the same name or was imagining being held by himself. Once I re-read the story it all came together nicely though, and the part where Combferre is begging him to hang on was really, really powerful.
Being canon blind (I saw the play once in highschool but all I remember is how epic the giant wall was - we were very far away from the stage and I may or may not have been listening…) I don’t know if you just took a canon moment and built upon it or if this death is of your own creation. It doesn’t matter to me because the brotherhood between these two people was so clearly shown in so few words that I don’t need their background story. That they are in a war is obvious, that Feyrac is suffering is well-described, and how upsetting this moment is to Combferre made me almost equally upset.
“…a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips.” I love how you ended this story. Actually, it took me reading it twice to tell that you wrote the whole thing in present tense, which is where a lot of the power of this story comes from. We get to live this moment with Feyrac and it is heart-wrenching to experience his pain, confusion, and ultimate surrender to death.
Thanks for a really powerful one-shot. Ckorkows
8/2/2015 c1 mockingjaybrandybuck
Wow, the description in this story is amazing. I felt almost nervous throughout as he was so clearly suffering greatly. I have seen Les Mis, but have not watched it, so I’m not completely up to speed on the storyline, but it didn’t really matter. I was able to enjoy this one-shot without remembering much of the background.
The second paragraph, the one that starts with “his feet” was just powerfully descriptive. To the point that I felt like it was me who was struggling.
I love the way you captured the feeling of desperation, just trying to hold on and the sensation of darkness trying to overtake him. So poetic.
Because I’m kind of fandom blind, I’m not 100 percent sure what happened in the end. Who was there with him? Are we to assume that he died? Again, this is probably obvious to someone who is more up to speed with the story, I’m just interested.
Wow, the description in this story is amazing. I felt almost nervous throughout as he was so clearly suffering greatly. I have seen Les Mis, but have not watched it, so I’m not completely up to speed on the storyline, but it didn’t really matter. I was able to enjoy this one-shot without remembering much of the background.
The second paragraph, the one that starts with “his feet” was just powerfully descriptive. To the point that I felt like it was me who was struggling.
I love the way you captured the feeling of desperation, just trying to hold on and the sensation of darkness trying to overtake him. So poetic.
Because I’m kind of fandom blind, I’m not 100 percent sure what happened in the end. Who was there with him? Are we to assume that he died? Again, this is probably obvious to someone who is more up to speed with the story, I’m just interested.
5/25/2015 c1 3Lexik
Shouldn't the darkness in your opening line come quicker than he "expects?" You kind of slip and slide between past and present a few more times, but the opener hangs with me the strongest since that's the first thing we readers see.
I'm not familiar with Les Miserables (I know, shame, shame), but I don't think my lack of foreknowledge is a problem at all. It's still a lovely little read. :)
I see two souls reaching for each other, and inevitably slipping away. His world is fading, disappearing, and he desperately needs to say something. Except in the end, his words fail.
"The silence is the worst of it, he thinks dimly." This line speaks for a lot, I think, and the whole following paragraph. It's all his fears tangling about. His body is failing, but it's the void in his mind that takes precedence.
Then, a voice breaks through the darkness, and I feel he can accept his fate because that terrible silennce is broken. There's someone with him.
. . It's rather sad, though. Some measure of peace is found, and yet, there's so much that could have been. That final "Please. . ." echoes with me.
Kudos :)
3LexikShouldn't the darkness in your opening line come quicker than he "expects?" You kind of slip and slide between past and present a few more times, but the opener hangs with me the strongest since that's the first thing we readers see.
I'm not familiar with Les Miserables (I know, shame, shame), but I don't think my lack of foreknowledge is a problem at all. It's still a lovely little read. :)
I see two souls reaching for each other, and inevitably slipping away. His world is fading, disappearing, and he desperately needs to say something. Except in the end, his words fail.
"The silence is the worst of it, he thinks dimly." This line speaks for a lot, I think, and the whole following paragraph. It's all his fears tangling about. His body is failing, but it's the void in his mind that takes precedence.
Then, a voice breaks through the darkness, and I feel he can accept his fate because that terrible silennce is broken. There's someone with him.
. . It's rather sad, though. Some measure of peace is found, and yet, there's so much that could have been. That final "Please. . ." echoes with me.
Kudos :)
5/18/2015 c1 23IrishPanther
For starters, I’m somewhat of a fan of Les Mis, so I’m not going into this story canon blind.
Right off the bat, with the very first sentence – “The darkness comes quicker than he expected” – I spot a few errors. I think that (just throwing that out there, I’m giving you my opinion, and I may be wrong here) ‘comes’ should be ‘came’ and that ‘than’ should be ‘then.’ Again, I believe that with these small changes, you could have a strong first sentence.
I will give you kudos for continuing on with such vivid description in your writing. Only a few lines in and reading this – “He feels his feet slipping, sliding; hands scrabbling on nothing but air; mouth opened in a sudden, silent scream.” – helps me paint an image; I can actually see this person struggling to live. Major props to you for that!
Moving on, this little tidbit here – “…even though the darkness is fast approaching is too enticing and…” – is a bit iffy for me. I can see what you’re trying to do here and I like it; the person wants to live and is scared of death, and here I see the being scrambling within his thoughts to keep living. So I’m not too sure whether to mark it up as that or as a SPAG error; if it’s meant to be the former, then great job there!
I love the dialogue you gave Combeferre. He frets for Courfeyrac’s life, wanting nothing more than for his friend to live through his wounds, to make it out of the battle alive and well. But alas, no matter how much pleading ‘Ferre does, ‘Feyrac eventually loses the battle, letting the darkness he was so scared of engulf him whole.
Overall, outside of the small SPAG errors, I enjoyed reading this one-shot. You did an excellent job on your dialogue, giving vivid descriptions and allowing raw emotions to pour out of the two protagonists to make this fic come to life. For that, I thank you. Keep up the great work! :)
23IrishPantherFor starters, I’m somewhat of a fan of Les Mis, so I’m not going into this story canon blind.
Right off the bat, with the very first sentence – “The darkness comes quicker than he expected” – I spot a few errors. I think that (just throwing that out there, I’m giving you my opinion, and I may be wrong here) ‘comes’ should be ‘came’ and that ‘than’ should be ‘then.’ Again, I believe that with these small changes, you could have a strong first sentence.
I will give you kudos for continuing on with such vivid description in your writing. Only a few lines in and reading this – “He feels his feet slipping, sliding; hands scrabbling on nothing but air; mouth opened in a sudden, silent scream.” – helps me paint an image; I can actually see this person struggling to live. Major props to you for that!
Moving on, this little tidbit here – “…even though the darkness is fast approaching is too enticing and…” – is a bit iffy for me. I can see what you’re trying to do here and I like it; the person wants to live and is scared of death, and here I see the being scrambling within his thoughts to keep living. So I’m not too sure whether to mark it up as that or as a SPAG error; if it’s meant to be the former, then great job there!
I love the dialogue you gave Combeferre. He frets for Courfeyrac’s life, wanting nothing more than for his friend to live through his wounds, to make it out of the battle alive and well. But alas, no matter how much pleading ‘Ferre does, ‘Feyrac eventually loses the battle, letting the darkness he was so scared of engulf him whole.
Overall, outside of the small SPAG errors, I enjoyed reading this one-shot. You did an excellent job on your dialogue, giving vivid descriptions and allowing raw emotions to pour out of the two protagonists to make this fic come to life. For that, I thank you. Keep up the great work! :)
5/16/2015 c1 118my turn to take flight
Two small things up front that I want to point out: [The sudden, bursting bloom of pain; that sharp, cold pain...] repeats "pain" pretty quickly in a row, and in [makes his body want to curl in on itself and yet unable to as it continued to slash away], that "continued" should be "continues" in order to stay consistent with present tense.
Here - [Air that comes finally, painfully; forced through lips blooming with blood as his windpipe fights to release the exhaled carbon dioxide.] - I'm not sure how I feel about the "exhaled carbon dioxide" line because it feels like too technical of a wording to fit with the rest of the very imagery- and emotion-driven scene you've been putting together. That said, I love love the first half of this sentence; the "finally, painfully, forced through" hones in really singularly on exactly how much effort Courfeyrac is having to exert here just to endure the injury for as long as he might be able to survive thereafter.
I really like the tone you've pulled off here: [Desperately he tries to get a hold of whatever is below him, to hold on, to stay present, even though the darkness is fast approaching is too enticing and…]. It's really lovely whenever you see actual style and sentence structure working in favor of creating or accentuating mood, and the run-on-y aspect especially toward the end of this sentence does a great job of highlighting Courfeyrac's total immersion in the pain.
[A candlelit café in the depths of winter; a rally on the streets rising above the surging, seething mass of the crowd, a soft chiding remark as a cool, wet cloth bathes another war wound, a whispered kiss…] - Ooh, this is fabulous. Nice use of imagery again, and just by merit of having included this memory, you've made it apparent that Courfeyrac is slipping back into himself - even that his life is starting to flash before his eyes and foreshadowing the fatality of the wound. Same thing where Combeferre holds his hand and his mind jumps to [the weight of the fingers calloused from years of leaking ink pens or the hilt of a knife], which has that same reflective focus to show that his mind is leaping backward.
['There now', he hears] - Comma should go inside the quotes.
[It's clogged with salt soaked iron] - Really vivid image again here - this is such a creative description of the texture of someone's voice, but it so effectively captures the hoarseness and heaviness of the voice of someone so painfully dying.
You've done such an effective job throughout of using descriptive language and tone to get your message across. Nice work!
118my turn to take flightTwo small things up front that I want to point out: [The sudden, bursting bloom of pain; that sharp, cold pain...] repeats "pain" pretty quickly in a row, and in [makes his body want to curl in on itself and yet unable to as it continued to slash away], that "continued" should be "continues" in order to stay consistent with present tense.
Here - [Air that comes finally, painfully; forced through lips blooming with blood as his windpipe fights to release the exhaled carbon dioxide.] - I'm not sure how I feel about the "exhaled carbon dioxide" line because it feels like too technical of a wording to fit with the rest of the very imagery- and emotion-driven scene you've been putting together. That said, I love love the first half of this sentence; the "finally, painfully, forced through" hones in really singularly on exactly how much effort Courfeyrac is having to exert here just to endure the injury for as long as he might be able to survive thereafter.
I really like the tone you've pulled off here: [Desperately he tries to get a hold of whatever is below him, to hold on, to stay present, even though the darkness is fast approaching is too enticing and…]. It's really lovely whenever you see actual style and sentence structure working in favor of creating or accentuating mood, and the run-on-y aspect especially toward the end of this sentence does a great job of highlighting Courfeyrac's total immersion in the pain.
[A candlelit café in the depths of winter; a rally on the streets rising above the surging, seething mass of the crowd, a soft chiding remark as a cool, wet cloth bathes another war wound, a whispered kiss…] - Ooh, this is fabulous. Nice use of imagery again, and just by merit of having included this memory, you've made it apparent that Courfeyrac is slipping back into himself - even that his life is starting to flash before his eyes and foreshadowing the fatality of the wound. Same thing where Combeferre holds his hand and his mind jumps to [the weight of the fingers calloused from years of leaking ink pens or the hilt of a knife], which has that same reflective focus to show that his mind is leaping backward.
['There now', he hears] - Comma should go inside the quotes.
[It's clogged with salt soaked iron] - Really vivid image again here - this is such a creative description of the texture of someone's voice, but it so effectively captures the hoarseness and heaviness of the voice of someone so painfully dying.
You've done such an effective job throughout of using descriptive language and tone to get your message across. Nice work!
5/15/2015 c1 43Book 'em Again
I’m coming over from the Reviewer’s Lounge. A quick note: I've seen the movie but haven’t gotten around to the book yet.
Your description truly is the strength of this piece. Those opening paragraphs are works of art as I could see perfectly what was going on. And normally I’d think the amount of descriptive words you use could lend itself to purple prose, but you really pull it off well. Yes, you use a lot but you are very intentional in making sure you are doing more than just painting a scene as it is quite clear you are also telling a story. For example: you do more than just describe the sounds of battle you use that section to also show that this is a battle that has been going on for awhile.
I also liked how you showed your readers Feyrac’s mental state throughout and let us feel what he felt. It was most effective when you describe how he was searching for something, anything, to grab onto and I could just feel his fight and his will to cling to life. Very effective.
Ferrre’s dialogue was also well done. Especially, since you conveyed his emotions really well just through the repetition of Feyrac’s name. He starts with the formal name but as things get worse he shortens it and you can feel the need to get it out quick, before it too late along with the fondness we tend to associate with nicknames.
In all, an emotional and well written story. Good job!
43Book 'em AgainI’m coming over from the Reviewer’s Lounge. A quick note: I've seen the movie but haven’t gotten around to the book yet.
Your description truly is the strength of this piece. Those opening paragraphs are works of art as I could see perfectly what was going on. And normally I’d think the amount of descriptive words you use could lend itself to purple prose, but you really pull it off well. Yes, you use a lot but you are very intentional in making sure you are doing more than just painting a scene as it is quite clear you are also telling a story. For example: you do more than just describe the sounds of battle you use that section to also show that this is a battle that has been going on for awhile.
I also liked how you showed your readers Feyrac’s mental state throughout and let us feel what he felt. It was most effective when you describe how he was searching for something, anything, to grab onto and I could just feel his fight and his will to cling to life. Very effective.
Ferrre’s dialogue was also well done. Especially, since you conveyed his emotions really well just through the repetition of Feyrac’s name. He starts with the formal name but as things get worse he shortens it and you can feel the need to get it out quick, before it too late along with the fondness we tend to associate with nicknames.
In all, an emotional and well written story. Good job!
5/12/2015 c1 76TolkienScholar
Hello! Over here from RLt and fandom blind. (Shameful, I know; it's on my to do list. :P) Now to the review:
The imagery here is startling. You show me the pain, the blood, the desperation - all in sharp definition. Very well done indeed. "The sudden, bursting bloom of pain" is a shocking image because one wouldn't normally compare pain to a flower, but I can see it, changing from a tiny bud to a full-blown, blood-red flower. I like the imagery of the rattling of the bayonets as a requiem. "Scarlet kisses" is also an excellent image. And there are more that I haven't even mentioned. The disjointedness of the thoughts fits the scene well, too. This is good writing.
I like the disjointedness, but there were a few sentences and phrases I found confusing, like "and yet unable to as it continued to slash away at whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it." This is an image that doesn't quite work for me, doesn't create the "lens," to borrow some terminology from C. S. Lewis, that some of your other images do. I don't really have any suggestions to clarify it, but it is confusing. The other issue I noticed was repetition of the same words over and over, specifically rattle/rattling and blooming. Blossoming is a similar synonym to blooming, but I don't really have any other suggestions there. Again, something to look at.
Overall, very well-written oneshot, quite tragic, quite moving. Well done.
76TolkienScholarHello! Over here from RLt and fandom blind. (Shameful, I know; it's on my to do list. :P) Now to the review:
The imagery here is startling. You show me the pain, the blood, the desperation - all in sharp definition. Very well done indeed. "The sudden, bursting bloom of pain" is a shocking image because one wouldn't normally compare pain to a flower, but I can see it, changing from a tiny bud to a full-blown, blood-red flower. I like the imagery of the rattling of the bayonets as a requiem. "Scarlet kisses" is also an excellent image. And there are more that I haven't even mentioned. The disjointedness of the thoughts fits the scene well, too. This is good writing.
I like the disjointedness, but there were a few sentences and phrases I found confusing, like "and yet unable to as it continued to slash away at whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it." This is an image that doesn't quite work for me, doesn't create the "lens," to borrow some terminology from C. S. Lewis, that some of your other images do. I don't really have any suggestions to clarify it, but it is confusing. The other issue I noticed was repetition of the same words over and over, specifically rattle/rattling and blooming. Blossoming is a similar synonym to blooming, but I don't really have any other suggestions there. Again, something to look at.
Overall, very well-written oneshot, quite tragic, quite moving. Well done.
2/9/2015 c1 68Legendary Biologist
Hi! Congrats on the nomination for the RLT 2015 awards! I come fandom blind, but I'll do my best.
The writing is incredibly descriptive. The descriptions don't just read smoothly, but they also give me a realistic, yet brutal visualization of a dying man in a war. The damage, the injuries, the pain (gash, blood, broken spectacles, etc) are described very well; I can basically see and feel what is happening to Courfeyrac.
I like how you describe Courfeyrac trying to cling to something as he dies. It's realistic. The part when his fingers scrabble on something that could be a bookshelf or a chair or anything works well.
The use in ellipses in the dialogue works well in showing Combeferre's concern towards his dying friend. I feel like I can 'hear' Combeferre's voice.
The last paragraph is effective in conveying the bittersweet atmosphere of the ending. Courfeyrac dies, but he doesn't die alone; he dies in his friend's arms. However, 'a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips' leaves a hint of guilt within Courfeyrac, as he has succumbed to his injuries before he can say anything to Combeferre. Sad, but somehow still sweet.
Pointers:
- Some sentences are very long and become confusing. Such as: The sudden, bursting bloom of pain; that sharp, cold pain seeming to erupt from his very core makes his body want to curl in on itself and yet unable to as it continued to slash away at whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it. - the early part of this sentence reads well, but by the time it reaches 'whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it', the meaning is lost.
- I did spot a typo, such as 'canons', which should be 'cannons'.
- At times the description 'blooming blood' reads quite strange. Maybe because the metaphor is overused here...
Despite being canon blind, I enjoy this. Well done!
68Legendary BiologistHi! Congrats on the nomination for the RLT 2015 awards! I come fandom blind, but I'll do my best.
The writing is incredibly descriptive. The descriptions don't just read smoothly, but they also give me a realistic, yet brutal visualization of a dying man in a war. The damage, the injuries, the pain (gash, blood, broken spectacles, etc) are described very well; I can basically see and feel what is happening to Courfeyrac.
I like how you describe Courfeyrac trying to cling to something as he dies. It's realistic. The part when his fingers scrabble on something that could be a bookshelf or a chair or anything works well.
The use in ellipses in the dialogue works well in showing Combeferre's concern towards his dying friend. I feel like I can 'hear' Combeferre's voice.
The last paragraph is effective in conveying the bittersweet atmosphere of the ending. Courfeyrac dies, but he doesn't die alone; he dies in his friend's arms. However, 'a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips' leaves a hint of guilt within Courfeyrac, as he has succumbed to his injuries before he can say anything to Combeferre. Sad, but somehow still sweet.
Pointers:
- Some sentences are very long and become confusing. Such as: The sudden, bursting bloom of pain; that sharp, cold pain seeming to erupt from his very core makes his body want to curl in on itself and yet unable to as it continued to slash away at whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it. - the early part of this sentence reads well, but by the time it reaches 'whatever delicate muscles and bones tried to stop it', the meaning is lost.
- I did spot a typo, such as 'canons', which should be 'cannons'.
- At times the description 'blooming blood' reads quite strange. Maybe because the metaphor is overused here...
Despite being canon blind, I enjoy this. Well done!
2/4/2015 c1 22rhinosgirl
Hi, Phoenixflames12! Rhino here –hugs- I am completely fandom-blind for this story, so please forgive any canon-related misunderstandings.
The first two paragraphs definitely gripped my attention. Obviously, Courfeyrac knew he was going to die, but was surprised by the haste at which it came, and the sheer intensity his pain achieved beforehand.
I did find some possible errors in the third paragraph. I believe that “The silence trapped inside his own head” should read “The silence trapped him inside his own head and “the boom of the canons” should read “the boom of the cannons”.
I was excited to see that even in this short tale I got to see different sides of the dying man. I now know him both as a rebel for a cause, team member, and a dear friend to Combeferre.
Oh, Combeferre! You made such a deep impression on Courfeyrac that even in his immense suffering he was able to remember and be comforted by his memories of you. I do wonder, however, whether you are female or male? The author’s descriptions of you are distinctly masculine, yet there is the matter of the stolen kiss that throws just that tiny sliver of doubt on the matter.
I loved the pacing of the dialogue between the two friends. The pauses and the phrases heightened the grief and desperation they felt as they waited for the inevitable, yet hoped for a miracle.
I was relieved that these two were together to comfort each other when the end came. Thanks for sharing your beautiful writing with us!
22rhinosgirlHi, Phoenixflames12! Rhino here –hugs- I am completely fandom-blind for this story, so please forgive any canon-related misunderstandings.
The first two paragraphs definitely gripped my attention. Obviously, Courfeyrac knew he was going to die, but was surprised by the haste at which it came, and the sheer intensity his pain achieved beforehand.
I did find some possible errors in the third paragraph. I believe that “The silence trapped inside his own head” should read “The silence trapped him inside his own head and “the boom of the canons” should read “the boom of the cannons”.
I was excited to see that even in this short tale I got to see different sides of the dying man. I now know him both as a rebel for a cause, team member, and a dear friend to Combeferre.
Oh, Combeferre! You made such a deep impression on Courfeyrac that even in his immense suffering he was able to remember and be comforted by his memories of you. I do wonder, however, whether you are female or male? The author’s descriptions of you are distinctly masculine, yet there is the matter of the stolen kiss that throws just that tiny sliver of doubt on the matter.
I loved the pacing of the dialogue between the two friends. The pauses and the phrases heightened the grief and desperation they felt as they waited for the inevitable, yet hoped for a miracle.
I was relieved that these two were together to comfort each other when the end came. Thanks for sharing your beautiful writing with us!
2/3/2015 c1 47Cheile
Hiya! Here from RLT cuz you got nominated for the 2015 awards :D I'm not overly familiar with Les Mis so pardon any dumb fandom-blind-style comments, lol.
This is a great piece to showcase a dying character's thoughts and emotions. That suddenness when he's mortally wounded and the effects of it (fighting to breathe, feeling himself collapse) are wonderfully illustrated without "telling". Instead, it reads in the best way: so that the reader can experience the sensations and emotions Courfeyrac is going through.
Oh ouch, his friend has found him. At least he will not die alone (a personal fear of mine) but I can tell from the broken dialogue that Combeferre is already devastated to see Courfreyrac like this.
[he footsteps come ever closer; stumbling, tripping, leaping over the rubble of their hopes for a better, brighter future.] – I'm a fan of cool metaphors, so I love this line and how it illustrates that Courfeyrac was on the losing side of the battle. I also like how he is desperate for another's touch, to know that he will not be alone for the last few moments he has of life.
Even tho this is from Courfeyrac's perspective, one still gets a sense of Combeferre's emotions, which is totally great. It's so easy to see how much pain he's in from his actions—like trying to blot away the blood Courfeyrac coughs up—as well as his words (which I mentioned earlier). And those final moments as he fades into death are powerfully written, in such a few short lines—his earlier attempts at focusing on his friend's presence and touch, his voice finally fading out, then his sight as the darkness overcomes him.
Great work.
47CheileHiya! Here from RLT cuz you got nominated for the 2015 awards :D I'm not overly familiar with Les Mis so pardon any dumb fandom-blind-style comments, lol.
This is a great piece to showcase a dying character's thoughts and emotions. That suddenness when he's mortally wounded and the effects of it (fighting to breathe, feeling himself collapse) are wonderfully illustrated without "telling". Instead, it reads in the best way: so that the reader can experience the sensations and emotions Courfeyrac is going through.
Oh ouch, his friend has found him. At least he will not die alone (a personal fear of mine) but I can tell from the broken dialogue that Combeferre is already devastated to see Courfreyrac like this.
[he footsteps come ever closer; stumbling, tripping, leaping over the rubble of their hopes for a better, brighter future.] – I'm a fan of cool metaphors, so I love this line and how it illustrates that Courfeyrac was on the losing side of the battle. I also like how he is desperate for another's touch, to know that he will not be alone for the last few moments he has of life.
Even tho this is from Courfeyrac's perspective, one still gets a sense of Combeferre's emotions, which is totally great. It's so easy to see how much pain he's in from his actions—like trying to blot away the blood Courfeyrac coughs up—as well as his words (which I mentioned earlier). And those final moments as he fades into death are powerfully written, in such a few short lines—his earlier attempts at focusing on his friend's presence and touch, his voice finally fading out, then his sight as the darkness overcomes him.
Great work.
2/3/2015 c1 75darkaccalia520
I really adore how you've written Courfeyrac's last moments; it's so brutally realistic yet beautifully written. No one really knows how death will come and what happens in those last moments, so I love how the darkness comes quicker than expected, etc. It really shows how it came as such a surprise and how everything is a bit of a haze, much as I think death would be in such a situation. I also love how the darkness teases him and though he's trying to resist, it seems he's going to succumb when he suddenly hears his name being called by his dear friend, Combeferre.
I love how you mention their past relationship briefly in addition to their fight for the revolution. And I adore how Combeferre is stricken with grief. It makes perfect sense as the friends of the ABC are dwindling, and Combeferre doesn't want to lose him as well. I really adored what we're seeing through Courfeyrac's eyes, though; there was some gorgeous description there and how his vision is blurred and if he's really seeing Combeferre crying or if it's from smoke in his eyes, he can't tell.
I love that he doesn't have to die alone and that Combeferre tries to assure him to hold on for just a little while, but I'm sure he knows that the end is near as well. They knew what they were getting into when they started. And then he tries to make more promises, wants to assure him everything will be fine, but he can't really finish; I'm sure that's his acknowledgement of the fact that there is no fixing this. And it's no wonder he's so sad about it all. Even though they knew this could happen, it's still difficult when it really happens.
I really adored how there was so much emotion packed into the last few lines; it was sad and yet so expertly done! I really enjoyed this piece. Well done, and a well-deserved favorite. :)
75darkaccalia520I really adore how you've written Courfeyrac's last moments; it's so brutally realistic yet beautifully written. No one really knows how death will come and what happens in those last moments, so I love how the darkness comes quicker than expected, etc. It really shows how it came as such a surprise and how everything is a bit of a haze, much as I think death would be in such a situation. I also love how the darkness teases him and though he's trying to resist, it seems he's going to succumb when he suddenly hears his name being called by his dear friend, Combeferre.
I love how you mention their past relationship briefly in addition to their fight for the revolution. And I adore how Combeferre is stricken with grief. It makes perfect sense as the friends of the ABC are dwindling, and Combeferre doesn't want to lose him as well. I really adored what we're seeing through Courfeyrac's eyes, though; there was some gorgeous description there and how his vision is blurred and if he's really seeing Combeferre crying or if it's from smoke in his eyes, he can't tell.
I love that he doesn't have to die alone and that Combeferre tries to assure him to hold on for just a little while, but I'm sure he knows that the end is near as well. They knew what they were getting into when they started. And then he tries to make more promises, wants to assure him everything will be fine, but he can't really finish; I'm sure that's his acknowledgement of the fact that there is no fixing this. And it's no wonder he's so sad about it all. Even though they knew this could happen, it's still difficult when it really happens.
I really adored how there was so much emotion packed into the last few lines; it was sad and yet so expertly done! I really enjoyed this piece. Well done, and a well-deserved favorite. :)
1/31/2015 c1 20December Sapphire
Hiya! Congrats for the nomination! I am completely fandom blind in this. Haven’t even seen the movie.
Your descriptions and strong language is beautifully written. It’s as if I’m there feeling the pain in the character and his emotions. Your hook is perfect! [The darkness comes quicker than he expected] is already pulling in a dark tone for the story and right away hooks me.
[The iron jars painfully against the roof of his mouth, mirroring the scarlet kisses that trickle from an unknown would at his temple and through his split lips] What an amazing sentence. I loved the metaphor [scarlet kisses] for blood running down his face.
[A candlelit café in the depths of winter] Great imagery right here.
[Please don’t…don’t be…don’t be…the others…I…I can’t…] This line really breaks my heart. You capture emotion so beautifully and it’s …just…I…I can’t…
[A dark, once handsome face now ashen with an indistinguisble mixture of pain, blood, and gunpowder…] You have a minor spelling error here. [indistinguisble] should be “indistinguishable”. Still this line shows very gruesome but tragic details. Very hard to capture sometimes.
[The voice breathes again, the final syllables breaking desperately as a hand reaches for his own] Again I am seeing very clear concrete detail.
The ending is amazing. [a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips] is a beautiful ending. There’s a sense of guilt in the character and it’s a lovely ending for this tragic story.
Apart from a few grammar errors you did really well. Great job!
Cheers,
-Sapphire
20December SapphireHiya! Congrats for the nomination! I am completely fandom blind in this. Haven’t even seen the movie.
Your descriptions and strong language is beautifully written. It’s as if I’m there feeling the pain in the character and his emotions. Your hook is perfect! [The darkness comes quicker than he expected] is already pulling in a dark tone for the story and right away hooks me.
[The iron jars painfully against the roof of his mouth, mirroring the scarlet kisses that trickle from an unknown would at his temple and through his split lips] What an amazing sentence. I loved the metaphor [scarlet kisses] for blood running down his face.
[A candlelit café in the depths of winter] Great imagery right here.
[Please don’t…don’t be…don’t be…the others…I…I can’t…] This line really breaks my heart. You capture emotion so beautifully and it’s …just…I…I can’t…
[A dark, once handsome face now ashen with an indistinguisble mixture of pain, blood, and gunpowder…] You have a minor spelling error here. [indistinguisble] should be “indistinguishable”. Still this line shows very gruesome but tragic details. Very hard to capture sometimes.
[The voice breathes again, the final syllables breaking desperately as a hand reaches for his own] Again I am seeing very clear concrete detail.
The ending is amazing. [a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips] is a beautiful ending. There’s a sense of guilt in the character and it’s a lovely ending for this tragic story.
Apart from a few grammar errors you did really well. Great job!
Cheers,
-Sapphire
1/30/2015 c1 65MissScorp
Hi there and congratulations on your story being nominated as best Tragedy/Angst in the Reviewers Choice Awards over at the Reviews Lounge, Too!
I have to apologize and say that I am completely fandom blind when it comes to Les Misérables. I have only seen small snippets of the movie and musical and read small excerpts from Hugo’s novel. That being said I have to say that I thought this fit so wonderfully into the theme of the fandom. There’s an epic tragedy about this piece. Short it might be, but this piece is rich and full with the tale that it is telling.
((The darkness comes quicker than he expected.))—this is a fantastic opening line. I instantly was hooked and drawn into the world of this character. I had to imagine what the events before the piece opened were and why the darkness was coming in so quickly for him.
The dialogue here: (('Courfeyrac, please! Please don't… Don't be… Don't be… The others… I… I can't… Not you… Not you too… ')) just ripples with the desperate pleading of someone who being forced to stand by and helplessly watch as their loved one slowly fades into the hands of death. It’s a painful reminder about how death is not pretty and that those left behind are the ones who truly suffer the most.
This section here: ((A dark, once handsome face now ashen with an indistinguisble mixture of pain, blood and gunpowder kneels before him; silver tears catching on eyelashes that already seem to be red rimmed but whether that's from the smoke or emotion, he can't tell.)) is just gorgeously detailed. I love the way you have illustrated grief with the various words (silver tears), eyelashes which are (red rimmed). They just manage to create the image of suffering that Combeferre is going through as he cradles Courfeyrac in his arms and pleads with him to stay.
This here: ((But Combeferre's head is buried in his chest, arms encircling his body, caught in curls of blood soaked ebony, shoulders heaving with silent, desperate sobs as the calloused grip of shaking fingers seems to melt away as the darkness finally consumes him; a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips.)) is just woefully tragic and bitterly sad. Poor Courfeyrac has succumbed ot his injuries, he’s passed into the hands of death and left behind Combeferre to grieve and remember him—both as he is in death and as he was in life.
This was a wonderfully tragic piece that accomplished much in its short amount of words.
Fantabulous job!
65MissScorpHi there and congratulations on your story being nominated as best Tragedy/Angst in the Reviewers Choice Awards over at the Reviews Lounge, Too!
I have to apologize and say that I am completely fandom blind when it comes to Les Misérables. I have only seen small snippets of the movie and musical and read small excerpts from Hugo’s novel. That being said I have to say that I thought this fit so wonderfully into the theme of the fandom. There’s an epic tragedy about this piece. Short it might be, but this piece is rich and full with the tale that it is telling.
((The darkness comes quicker than he expected.))—this is a fantastic opening line. I instantly was hooked and drawn into the world of this character. I had to imagine what the events before the piece opened were and why the darkness was coming in so quickly for him.
The dialogue here: (('Courfeyrac, please! Please don't… Don't be… Don't be… The others… I… I can't… Not you… Not you too… ')) just ripples with the desperate pleading of someone who being forced to stand by and helplessly watch as their loved one slowly fades into the hands of death. It’s a painful reminder about how death is not pretty and that those left behind are the ones who truly suffer the most.
This section here: ((A dark, once handsome face now ashen with an indistinguisble mixture of pain, blood and gunpowder kneels before him; silver tears catching on eyelashes that already seem to be red rimmed but whether that's from the smoke or emotion, he can't tell.)) is just gorgeously detailed. I love the way you have illustrated grief with the various words (silver tears), eyelashes which are (red rimmed). They just manage to create the image of suffering that Combeferre is going through as he cradles Courfeyrac in his arms and pleads with him to stay.
This here: ((But Combeferre's head is buried in his chest, arms encircling his body, caught in curls of blood soaked ebony, shoulders heaving with silent, desperate sobs as the calloused grip of shaking fingers seems to melt away as the darkness finally consumes him; a thousand unspoken promises floating from his lips.)) is just woefully tragic and bitterly sad. Poor Courfeyrac has succumbed ot his injuries, he’s passed into the hands of death and left behind Combeferre to grieve and remember him—both as he is in death and as he was in life.
This was a wonderfully tragic piece that accomplished much in its short amount of words.
Fantabulous job!