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for Seven Queens in Darkness

5/17/2022 c3 Nerverean
So no update or rewrite? Liked the story so far.
8/6/2020 c2 Bostonette
And instantly because of Bellatrix being portrayed as Harry’s handler and not allowing him to have his thoughts, I’m out. Had a good idea, then fucked it up.
8/25/2015 c3 Listen
If you're going to do this challenge, at least do it justice. Create a build. Don't jump straight into things. There's no shame in emulating a writer like Thalarian. Your story summary does not match your pace- you explain that your story is about "raising the Dark Powers from the past along the way", yet you spend all of one chapter on how Harry does exactly that. Your pace is too fast.

You should also consult with the jon3776. although he hasn't been on for a while, it's worth a shot. He created the challenge, and he is in the best position to give feedback out of all the writers on .

These are just ideas for you to improve your story. This is an amazing challenge, and the reason I'm spending the time to write this review is because I DON'T want to see it become mucked up by people who don't seem to have spent the time on it properly. You're even back-shelving these two stories because you're "better at another idea". So don't cry in your author's note about a single bad review. what Perpetual Dreaming wrote is actually pretty accurate, and as a writer attempting this challenge you need to recognize that a better author wrote a better story before you came along. What are you going to do about it? Show that your story can outshine Thalarian's.

Also, you should really break up your paragraphs. Fact: long paragraphs, although easier to write, are unattractive and boring.

I'm going to keep an eye on this story. I hope you take these facts into consideration.
4/1/2015 c2 lou2003us
I really want to see what happens next!

Looking forward to next chapter.

Keep up the great work!
3/26/2015 c2 5Winterborne
One thing is please place a reference to Jon3776 somewhere wether its here in the story or on your profile. Despite the fact that he will likely never see this, he did create the challenge and deserves the credit, not the reposter.

That said I[m glad to see someone give another kick at the can at fulfilling this and you seem to to be going down a interesting path. I'll be watching.
1/11/2015 c2 bittatatat
Hmm. I think you should concentrate on highlighting things in a different way. Harry was concerned about "creating" muggles instead of being mad about wasting the Stone for them. You would get a much better picture of Harry that way.
I also think you wasted an opportunity to show how Harry establishes control over the queens. I mean you have a dark, powerful character and a few weaklings which once upon a time were powerhouses at magic. In my opinion Potter should show his displeasure.
The way it is, the queens are at Harry's mercy. A dark character would break and enslave them, but instead, it seems like you try to give them, near muggles, a higher positions.
It's a good idea to elevate some of them above the rest, but only after they prove their worth. At present they can use mops to clean Harry's place and warm his bed.
Harry could disregard this recharge info as a piece of crap - a story to prolong the queen's survival for a time.
The way I see it there is no 'we' for an evil person - for a dark it's the same, but he/she does some intentional good things sometimes. If you wish to make it plausible then, I think, you should have the queens lick Harry's "the sun doesn't shine" part. I mean put yourself in their position: you have noting but a sharp mind, useless knowledge and beauty, then play to your strenght against a magical powerhouse such as Harry, who could simply rip your knowledge and memories with legillimency, fed you unknown potions (the time goes on) or torture you.
To think about it, Harry could take a piece of every queen and use a blood magic ritual of some kind to ensure they will bow to his will even if they will get many times more powerful than himself. Hmm, he could put an unbreakable compulsion charm in the form of a tatoo on each of them.
Summary:
It still feels, sort of, like your characters (Harry) are dark because they say so. Try to combine: selfishness, anger, greed, hunger for power and control with a growing love. I think Harry should learn to like what's easy only to see light as the story goes on. To accomplish that he should use every opportunity to put all those around beneth him (slavery) and exploit them until his heart start to create connections to some of them. So long as Harry gives the feel of 'we' he's light turning evil. The point is: when one falls from a ladder, one lands not in the middle but on the ground. In the case of your fic, Harry should turn into monster only to become unsatisfied due to his growing feelings for some of those he's hurting on regular bassis.

Where do you plan to take this fic after the queens' restore magic? It's hard to predict if dark side Harry will work in the long run - please don't be offended. It could or it could not, depending on the way you describe things. The "I'm not fool I was when I first stood up to Tom" is not the right path - you should not try to have characters talk readers into things. Words power play is not of the same magnitude as actions. Had you Harry curse her (crucio / imperio) it would work just fine. Hmm, I also think it would be a good idea to drop the malice part. Considering the situation, you should rather aim to make character interactions more endearing (possessive) unless it's with outsiders (if you rather preffer characters' equality, it should be earned).

Know what: if Hary f.e. lost duel to Voldy and someone used a spell to transport Harry back in time, they could start once again - you could make it really surprising.

It just come to me that you could trap all those queens inside one woman, f.e. Bellatrix. She could morph to the one Harry speaks to/wants her to be (the change of form would also switch control to the right spirit). It could even work 'marry one to marry all'. One woman, many faces, personalities.

Right now I think it'd be better if you rewrote the story this way (because the darkness feels somewhat forced instead of natural, but it could ba a really late hour for myself):
-Harry would catch Bellatrix and imprison her in his trunk.
-he would torture her and realize there is something wrong with her
-Potter would do some research and learn about compulsions placed on her in her marriage contract. He would break it by having an intercourse with her (bondage).
-the new Bella could vow to get a revange against Voldy and his DEs, agree to train Harry and to stay in his trunk until different acomodations could be made (she would be on the run from all sides).
-they could research some ancient tomes and find the ritual to summon the Seven Queens of Magic.
-That Harry could think in the 'we' term and be plausible
-you could twist that ritual in a way so Harry would has to impress each queen in a different way to receive her help.
-in that option Harry would do what's necessary and show the consequences of his hesitation, refusal.
-there can still be Harry/many and some queens could be light, dark oriented or both (could be more interesting if all tried to dragg Harry to their individual thinking).
-the summoning ritual could give lives to magical paintings, meaning the queens would walk out of them and once again have real flesh bodies. Using paintings would ensure, the queens will be up to date. You could even have Harry search for the paintings he'd consider the most useful (self picked queens).

Just some thoughts/random ideas. I'm trying to direct you somewhere, but you may have better ideas. Hope I helped.
1/10/2015 c2 Lone wolf aka Black Hawk Omega
Sweet
1/9/2015 c2 Bluesnowman
interesting
1/9/2015 c2 Sylaurias
I'm very interested to see how this story will develop. The fact that Harry's fall to darkness is not yet complete and he still has a shred of morality left makes him more relatable as a person and as a character. Kudos to you and I look forward to seeing future chapters!
1/9/2015 c2 Don.I am the King
So far i like it
1/5/2015 c1 bittatatat
Nice, but could have been better as no one descends into darkness suddenly. Had you done it right, Bella & Potter could kidnap a few muggle girls to break his shackless. He could learn to use dark curses, take pleasure from and enslave some of them. The ritual (murder) should've been the final step Harry'd take due to his lack of other choices.
It's also hard to say anything good about the ritual. If you wanted to make it really dark, then you could made it a requirement that the victim begs for death (it could also be a reason for why Harry must play with those muggle girls). Second - it lacks plausibility. I mean you could've explained more how bringing those queens back is possible. Lastly, does that mean Harry&Bella now possess a harem? I mean servitude to a dark master is same as slavery -it's absolute.

Hmm, I think you should also think about havng those queens competee. That means there should be a good enough prize and a price to pay. I thinks each queen should be forced to teach Harry&Bella as much as they can (each in equal time), then there could come a test - a battle of skills in chosen areas.
Harry & Bella will take turns, each fighting the queens. Winner will name the prize. There could be two conditions:
1. A tested trainee replaces what he/she kills - which is a curse in itself as it means failure in competition. A queen or king can't fight other queen as it would weaken the dark side.
2. A prize can not be refused or stoped. This gives trainees a way to kill a queen without ending a competition. Her magic is split between them and they're forced to produce her an heir before moving to the next queen. If trainees are more then two magic's at work and only one - the strongest of their children survives. A dark line preservation rule.

That way you could give Harry a harem and cut out any unwanted weeds in an interesting way. You could write it in a way so Harry wins all, but Bella doesn't, which gives her a certain rank. If she draws her fight, then she is of equal footing, if she looses, then she is below. I wouldn't mind seeing her loosing to f.e. Morgana, but be on par with f.e. Persephone.

I can imagine the Baba Yaga task - capturing, cooking and eating someone. Harry&Bella could win for eating a Veela family which will help them develop their allure. (Imagine: "Potter, do you often fuck with your food?" - sick, but it can add something to the story's climate).

Summary: The fic has a potential, but the first chapter should've been much more descriptive and introductory. I suggest you work on it as it may be difficult to make/keep the story satisfactory for you in the long run. The "skeleton" is good though. Hope I helped.
12/21/2014 c1 uzuuchi007
Nice
12/17/2014 c1 109xoxo Sweetie
I love so much what you did!
Mostly Bellatrix. I think I've never read a fic where she still is a psycho murder bitch hater of muggles! Amazing! She isn't ooc. She is in character! I'm so happy! Omg. I'm love with your story!
12/11/2014 c1 Guest
It is a awesome story and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Though Im wondering why you chose Baba Yaga...
12/6/2014 c1 3sleepinglion5398
OK... Lemme see what we've got here. Harry and Bellatrix - a great pairing - acting as the spear on the assualt on Tom. The newly resurrected Seven Ladies of Darkness, awoken from the grave and twisted to do the bidding of Harry.

It's an interesting start, I'll give you that. And it has a mountain of potential.

I read the other reviews before this and I noticed that you'd been compared to another writer, Thalarian, who had already done a small take on this challenge. Do not listen to those who say that your's is rubbish compared to his.

This is your take on the challenge I put up.

Make it your own.

Plainly said, I love it. It's written well, it's intriguing, but most of all, it has potential. Maybe you could have spread the various risings of each of the Seven over chapters, but hey, it's your fic, it ain't my place to tell you how to write it.

The character development is good, with explanations on each. I was slightly surprised a Baba Yaga, as she is one that is shrouded in secrecy and mystery and you adding her in is a gem of an idea.

So yeah, I'll be keeping a close eye on this. If you want any ideas to bounce around, I'm ya man :)

Well done for taking this on. You will do well.

Piloting Insanity
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