for No more heroes12/25/2014 c1 NekomimiToree
I notice that this story is categorized as humor but there are two problems that destroys the humorous tone you are trying to establish. The first are the many grammatical errors and incomplete sentences in the beginning of the story. You want to fix those as soon as possible.
The second problem is, well, the beginning just isn't that funny. It feels very long because you use a lot of adjectives and adverbs which honestly have little to do with anything. As a matter of fact, some of your details are not sensory-based (such as "fire-resistant"). It feels like you are trying to blend together fantasy with humor at the expense of both instead of a complementary approach. That said, although your protagonist is quite boring, the journalist at the end is quite humorous. I can relate to one or two things he said, and he plays a typical gun-ho soldier archetype which is wonderful.
I would suggest that you limit the beginning and expand on the soldier. Plot-wise, give some hints as to how the story would develop because in the state that it is now, this story doesn't really tell the readers much about anything.
Also, welcome back veteran!
I notice that this story is categorized as humor but there are two problems that destroys the humorous tone you are trying to establish. The first are the many grammatical errors and incomplete sentences in the beginning of the story. You want to fix those as soon as possible.
The second problem is, well, the beginning just isn't that funny. It feels very long because you use a lot of adjectives and adverbs which honestly have little to do with anything. As a matter of fact, some of your details are not sensory-based (such as "fire-resistant"). It feels like you are trying to blend together fantasy with humor at the expense of both instead of a complementary approach. That said, although your protagonist is quite boring, the journalist at the end is quite humorous. I can relate to one or two things he said, and he plays a typical gun-ho soldier archetype which is wonderful.
I would suggest that you limit the beginning and expand on the soldier. Plot-wise, give some hints as to how the story would develop because in the state that it is now, this story doesn't really tell the readers much about anything.
Also, welcome back veteran!