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2/24/2019 c2 2Captangame
12/15/2015 c2 1tobiep
ok very good but i see a great chance for a longer story please explore this more ad thx for looking at my story
1/6/2015 c2 1Amira Hayam
Wait if you've beaten him once already then why is he doing it again and it there won't be a "next time"?

if he's gonna transform then make it more dramatic like Inuyasha...

for example "my cold blue eyes glared" so on with description to show his anger on Garth.

"Garth run with me" I thought you two were fighting... or is it "this made Garth run, with me quickly closing in behind."

he runs off after biting him VERY good here!

Umm if I was a normal girl, like a dude who was like this I would be scared at first and would make my way to seeing him then straight on like Kate. Besides I am making a manga with this kind of romance, not to mention Inuyasha. Make Kate a little more lovey, and show her being brave (or even hesitating) to stay with your character to show her strong feelings.
1/6/2015 c1 Amira Hayam
correct the sentence to "this is what outsiders like me were like, but long ago we were decapitated by the people who hunted us..." (you used killed twice which makes it sound awkward, and the sentence didn't make sense)

You forget the " after Hey and the rest of the dialog to begin with.
"Typical Mooch..." start new line for new speaker
"You sly dog" mooch (Mooch with a capital)
"HELP MEEEEEE..." new line
(look over your dialog punctuation)

It's OK but your losing some description and sometimes adding unnecessary description. Pretend you are the reader and the character, you want the reader to feel the same as the character for empathy. So when Kate screams make it dramatic and sudden. Add description like

Suddenly my sensitive ears heard an unbearable pleading scream. At once I shot my towards it "HELP MEEEEEEEE! PLEAAAAASE!" a girl's cry caused me to race as fast as I could.

"That- that sounds like KATE!" I stuttered

maybe if you look over it and think about "making the reader's mind and protagonist's mind one" it would make it more emotional.
12/14/2014 c2 Xxthe dark shadowXx
Awesome chapter
12/11/2014 c1 Xxthe dark shadowXx
Excellent start

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