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for Five Nights at Pinkie's

12/18/2014 c3 9CrimsonMagi94
Okay, so again, same deal. Going to fast. Don't be afraid of diving headlong into description. in a horror story, it's critical to convey just how truly terrifying something is, and just how scared the protagonist is.

Also, I feel that right now it might be a bit too 'joke-sy' for horror. A few examples:

"I checked on Apple Jack and, big surprise, she was still in the closet"
"I checked the stage and almost had a mini heart attack when I saw Pinkie Pie wasn't there anymore"
"I figured they were Pinkie Pie, which was pretty terrifying"

A lot of these share elements of sarcasm and the symptoms of telling us what to feel rather than describing it. It really detracts from the fright we are supposed to be feeling, and seems a bit too light-hearted for where I know you want the story to be.

Try aiming for something like this: "The stage was empty. Feeling my heart start to pound in my chest, I rapidly flicked through the cameras, eyes desperately searching for where the wayward animatronic had gone, knowing that every moment wasted was another sliver of power gone, another tick closer to losing it altogether and being left at the mercy of the metallic monstrosities that wandered the dark, dark halls."

Good luck from here on out! :)
12/18/2014 c2 CrimsonMagi94
Hm, intriguing. I wonder what's going on.

The only problem I can see is the same issue as before; it's going too fast. Pause, slow down, really get inside the characters head to make us feel what he's feeling. Make it feel like hours are crawling by instead of just minutes. :)
12/18/2014 c1 CrimsonMagi94
Hey-o, Crimson here

Okay, so it's an interesting start. So far, I like the roles you've assigned the characters. Also, I want to know more about this Sonic character (I'm assuming he's an OC). I also like how you've set up a possibility of interaction and plot outside the 'game', like with the crush on Fluttershy and whether or not it will be reciprocated.

However, I do think you should have taken a little more time to introduce the characters and set up the stage. It felt a little rushed. Hey, I know, it's boring compared to the meat of the story, but it is important.
12/16/2014 c1 princesscelestia166
Whoa what? Sonic the Hedgehog?
12/13/2014 c1 1CosmicBeing
Yep I thought this was familiar.
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