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for Properties of the Force

5/7 c5 Guest
disadvantage of non-participant observations.
2/12 c26 Sandford9687
So much angst made it hard to finish for me him breaking down and the whole i was made for you stuff just rubbed me the wrong way.
Slow plot so far, but I look forward to where it goes to...
I think this is a great story well done. My one question is what makes Trey different? I didn't quite grasp that
12/21/2019 c1 52Gray Jedi 4000
Prologue Review (I just dumped everything I noticed for the prologue in this, so enjoy)
First thing I noticed: make your prologue and Chapter 1 longer, and publish them as separate chapters. Second thing I noticed: In your summary, "...a frightening secret. One that could..." use a dash or comma instead of the period. It would eliminate the fragment sentence and introduce more sentence variety.
The first sentence is a little awkward, and the second sentence has exactly the same structure as the first. I'd phrase the first paragraph more like: "Master Thain Dural stood in the dusty Geonosian arena and gazed at the burning orange sun hanging above the audience stands, coughing in the hot, dry, searing, stinging air. He did not want to look at the dead around him." Oh, also, “It’s sickly essence” has a punctuation error-’it’s’ is ‘it is’, while ‘its’ is possessive.
“...he had seen it all himself… from the very center of the carnage.” First: I don’t think you should use an ellipsis here. A comma would be better. Second: Wait, what? More info, please!
“...until his mind would except it...” The word I think you’re looking for isn’t ‘except,’ it’s ‘accept.’ To ‘except’ something would be to single it out.
You use a lot of ellipsis in here where commas would be better, or nothing at all.
“...her once lovely, vibrant face now cold, and covered with blaster burns.” This sequence is a little confusing, and if there’s one thing you don’t want your writing style to be, it’s confusing. Try something like this: “her once lovely and vibrant face, now cold and covered with blaster burns.” All you need to do is change a few punctuation marks and conjunctions.
“Her once violet, vibrant eyes of his apprentice…” Again, this is a little confusing. Change ‘her’ to ‘the,’ and it’s cleared up. If you use ‘her,’ you’re using two different possessive statements for the same thing.
“...his padawan’s accusing eyes. At least, they seemed accusing to him.” I don’t think the second sentence is necessary, and given that you described her eyes as ‘vacant’ before, you could/should take that into account, as ‘vacant’ and ‘accusing’ as descriptions of eyes are usually mutually exclusive. Try ‘his padawan’s eyes, which accused him with their emptiness” or something like that.
“...emotion almost overcame him.” What emotion? What were the symptoms? More description, please!
Combine the last two lines of the prologue into “her now lifeless body-”I will never train another.”
5/7/2019 c25 9AraelDranoth
Good writing although I'm not sure how I feel about the plot progression. Maybe it's a tad slower than I expected.
1/13/2019 c21 TheSentientCactus
Welcome back! It’s been a minute since you last updated but I’m glad you did. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this story and I’m glad you’re bringing it back. I’ll definitely be keeping an eye out for any future updates.
1/6/2019 c6 Calypso
Kriff! Ok, your knowledge of the Star Wars universe is extensive, you know little details that most well-read people don't know. Your writing flows and you have a wide vocabulary, It's beautiful. If you're not an author already, do this multiverse a favor and become one soon
4/26/2018 c16 29Eldhoron
lol this was a very entertaining chap. The banter was fun to read. Looking forward to getting back into this story. I took a long hiatus and never remembered i had turned off notifications for this fic. My mistake bc it seems I missed a few updates! In any case tho... I hope you find the time to complete it. In the meantime, I look forward to catching up. Cheers, mate!
3/10/2017 c17 TheSentientCactus
Another great chapter man. I'll be in the lookout for the next one!
6/30/2016 c1 7Team Wingless
Oooh, I'm really liking Trey and his character so far. The opening to this story was really gripping and quite brilliantly written as well. It really sets up a conflict that I'm interested in learning more about. The internal monologue rambled a little, but other than that great read!
6/16/2016 c15 29Eldhoron
I sorta knew something like this was going to happen. but I did not expect lusty twi' leks! I mean of course I am glad she didn't get hurt and you know, but the end... bad twi'lek! I all honesty though it was great writing. You captured his innocence well and his... inexperience ad awkwardness well also. I really liked the inner battle with himself regarding duty and how he could 'hear' his brother's accusations. That was good. keep up the good work
6/12/2016 c14 Eldhoron
Hahaha! This was absolutely brilliant! Great job! At first it started out somewhat foreboding then... nope! It was really good absolutely! You had some great one liners in there as well like the "I am your brother" bit. The "Who let the Jawas out." Quay smiling down at Oni waving his palms in the air when he gives him the hypo. Great job... I could go on and on. And it was good humour nothing cheap and ridiculous. Great job! :D
5/29/2016 c13 Eldhoron
HAHAHA. That was very entertaining :D
5/29/2016 c12 Eldhoron
This was deep. Real deep. Good on, mate. The emotions were so there and that image you put in my head of Duece crying on his bed... Well done.
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