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5/1/2016 c11 29Eldhoron
This was a very interesting chap. A good look into Oni's head. I am really liking the depth your giving these guys. Good job.
5/1/2016 c10 Eldhoron
This was really good this chap. Great job on the story telling. I found a few typos and the ever present ellipses :p but the story line is really getting interesting now. One suggest:

Whenever you change speakers in a line of dialogue, try putting it (the dialogue bit) in its own paragraph. That would make it easier for the reader to follow the transition of speakers. :)
4/9/2016 c9 Eldhoron
An extremely long chapter but it was good. I liked the end when Trey's inner voice was starting up. VERY interesting... Commander Ax certainly is full of himself and his 'dreams' and this:

'Trey-cicle' lol Good 'un mate!
3/26/2016 c8 Eldhoron
This was good. You have a very good knack for capturing pure excitement. :) a couple things:
"Jedis'" *cringes*
"padawn" *cringes again*
2/26/2016 c6 Eldhoron
You did a good job at capturing the sheer exhilaration. It was definitely a fast pace read. One thing though perhaps you could have indicated past with italics or something so that it is easier to tell whether or not you are in present or past?
2/22/2016 c5 Eldhoron
I am getting the feeling that you have read Karen Traviss' Republic Commando novels. Your snippets at the beginning of chaps are really interesting read. This snippet had me going 0.0 :P

"This is better than the time Quay got his head stuck in that empty shell-casing!" - Heh-heh.

This chap was great! I am really liking your characterisation of Trey. Some writers just tell the story, but you really give the reader a lot of insight into what is going on in his head and why he does the things he does. That is awesome. One thing I noticed this time, that I didn't before, was that you use an abundance of ellipses. It is somewhat distracting, especially in description. Just a little con. crit.
2/22/2016 c4 Eldhoron
I noticed a few typos but all in all a good chap. That poor youngling. I could just imagine that happening...
2/13/2016 c3 Eldhoron
*round of applause* Very well done. Getting inside the characters head. You did this really well.
2/9/2016 c2 Eldhoron
Good chap. This is getting quite interesting, indeed. One question, though: are not "clicks" short for kilometres?
2/5/2016 c1 Eldhoron
Very good start. Can't wait to read the rest.
1/25/2016 c15 TaitanoRules555
Another quick update well that was short.
1/24/2016 c14 TaitanoRules555
Great chapter.
1/23/2016 c1 7Rebel-Renegade-Fett
Awesome!
1/23/2016 c1 6The Blackjack
This is a pretty good opening chapter. The prologue is evocative, and unusual in a fanfic. I like seeing different responses by characters to events from the source material than otherwise seen. I think it could possibly use another scrub of editing-there are a few stylistic hiccups that could really enhance the starkness and immediacy that you create (dropping 'Genosis' in 'Genosis sun, drop 'ominous', more periods than ellipses, etc). But a lot of those are quibbles. I really liked it.

Honestly, I could see an argument for being its own chapter. It's short, but to the point. It's quite good at establishing tone.

The second section does its job, albeit in a more expositional way. There's a lot of telling that could be done as showing, so none of it its entirely memorable. Some of the feelings might more effectively been implied than stated, and perhaps through dialogue or reflections of his surroundings.

I'm not sure what the ellipses were doing at the end of each section. Section breaks? Reflection of the silence of mind?

Still, on the aggregate, a good opening, and a fic I expect to round back in the future.
1/21/2016 c12 TaitanoRules555
Well that was a quick update anyway good job keep up the good work.
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