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for Value of a human life

10/5/2020 c1 Wiggles
TLDR: I think this fic shows how far and how quickly you've improved. The criticism I have for this no longer applies to your current work, and I'm only bringing it up to help put your progress in perspective.

I think this one lacks the same nuance as the previous fics of yours I've read. The characterization is pretty heavy handed and not as enjoyable. I also think your sentence variation is lacking in comparison. That said, I think that says more about your improvement than anything. This was posted the year prior to the other two fics I've read so far (the imperial knight story and the rebel chaos story), and within that short time you took great strides into better writing.

In this the characters are pretty flat- eldar's a jerk and human's a cute child, but it's a good plot and a good section of story. If you were ever in the mood, I think this would be worth a revisit given how much better of a writer you are now in 2020 compared to when you wrote this in 2014.
6/25/2020 c1 1blackcatcoffee
Love Amana and Aveneth’s first interaction. Amana is such a cinnamon roll. It was a shock, reading the ending, but it’s quite poetic. I mean in in a literary sense, Amana’s death is more impactful but it’s just so sad (that’s probably the point). I think this is one of your best oneshots.
4/16/2017 c1 3TonyLogan
4 out of 5 stars. Mild spoilers.
I really enjoyed this story. I love Eldar stories and they are rarely written and even more rarely written well. Like you said, they tend to be treated the same every time. Very good descriptions, good pacing, I enjoyed seeing something a little different than I.G. fightin Orks in a battle stuff that I have read on other sites. I liked the tension and enjoyed the "upgrade deal." I enjoyed how Aveneth related a little to Amana when she told her story. It made me think of the Jane's Addiction song- We'll make great pets. Haha. This story had heart and it makes me want to read The Melacholy story.

Techwise -Too much usage of the "To Be" verb. He was. She was.
-A lot of past verb usage, as well. His stomach had been growling. Instead of his stomach growled. He had not been eating anything. Instead of he hadn't ate.
-Adverb use was not real bad but still a few too many outside of dialogue.
-a few misspelled words. All lives were "expandable." What "an" bummer. But not many.
-would cut back on some of the stage work and change most of the dialogue tags to said or drop them entirely. Uttered, scoffed, stammered, explained aren't needed.
-Some filtering and Pov missteps, I think. But not sure of the POV. Is it 3rd Omni?
4/9/2017 c1 Berlioz Chaos Lord of Khorne
Sad.

But enjoyable.

You seem to like making me use the word bittersweet, huh?
7/2/2016 c1 17Nomad-117
This was an interesting story, (warning spoiler) especially the fact how Aveneth felt regretful, I would say, about the death of Amana. Usually the eldar are depicted as so arrogant that they dont care who and how they use others to get what they want. Its an unusual and refreshing point of view.
2/19/2016 c1 7theluckyshot
So, I must say that was quite the good read. The way Aveneth was portrayed, proper within context of the Eldar, but also fresh and a bit more sympathetic because of past experience, travel, and time away from the craftworlds.

The way he used Amana was both cruel, and yet strangely proper. The cold mathematics of it, one meaningless life, to spare what is perceived to be several more of much greater value to the cause. It's quite horrible, but understandable, and then Aveneth's muddled revelation at the end there. Very 'All life is precious,' even those deemed unimportant. Preceded by the cold, hard truth of the 40k universe before that poor girls death.

I think you summed it up pretty well here "She lived a worthless life as nobody, and in death, she was glorious."

It's very telling of the Imperiums own martyrdom culture, and told through the eyes of an Eldar no less. Quite brilliant if you ask me, and I'm not being flattering here, I really do mean that. The symbolism behind that particular scene, as well as its irony makes this oneshot for me personally.

Only particular bad thing I could spot (Cause the plot, and tone was amazing for me, as well as characterization) is the very few typos I did see. Jarred me a bit from the story, a quick read through will fix that though, and it doesn't really detract much for me. I'm not one to judge on typos after all lol. Overall I think this was fantastic.

300-709
4/18/2015 c1 8CorvusAlbus
You asked for me to review and here it is:
Let me start with what was good. For once the atmosphere is well set though with a few hiccups and I like how Aveneth has to convince himself that he does not care for the human and thus is shows in a more subtle way that he does. And the usual Eldar-using-Humans is portrayed well on this smaller scale.

There are however a few things that…let’s say bugged me.
For once I have no idea what time of day it is, because in the second paragraph or so you wrote that the sun was rising, first sunbeams, so I assumed it was early morning. Then a bit later it is said that it is a freezing night. This goes along with the story beginning with the words that silence was reigning the battlefield but in the very next paragraph Aveneth spies on the nearby street where a battle takes place. These are the hiccups in atmosphere I mentioned.

Concerning Aveneth himself, he just feels too human. It is again that problem with human slang and things like “Khain-tastic”, which is something a human teenager would come up with, but not a centuries old alien. It’s weird, but your Eldar characters belong to the most foul-mouthed characters I know. I’m not saying everything they say should sound like it comes from a Shakespeare play, but a certain level, a certain higher standard in language should be met.

Sure as a Ranger he would probably not necessarily speak as elegantly as someone still living on a Craftworld, but there is a difference between being blunt and just using insults/slang. Saying once or twice things like “Khaine smite you.” in the heat of battle is fine, it ties into their mythology as well, but things like “Got you, son of a bitch” just don’t add up.

There is also the part where he describes/thinks of the Tau technology as “techno heresy”, which is just unfitting as it is a term faithful Imperials use.

Considering that there is supposed to be a sniper-battle going on, it is weird that Amana just found him so easily. Isn’t he hiding from a Tau Pathfinder and probably wearing his cameleoline cloak?
And it’s said that he stays for a very important personal reason. Whatever it is, we never learn; it can’t be the trophy because he later states that it’s not a habit of his, so why was that sentence there? I get that he wanted to take out the Pathfinder, but that is not personal that is just war.

Amana is not a really interesting character and seems to have been made especially cute just so it would cause Aveneth to be more empathetic and for him to fell pity. She doesn’t really feel a character, more like a plot device, tailored to trigger one specific thing. It makes it all feel a little contrived.
Maybe you could have made her a little more interesting by (for example, of the top of my head) making her question his orders, question more why she should risk her life for a trophy. It just would have been nice to have something else to her, something that might have caused Aveneth to not only pity her (like one would his pet), but perhaps evoke a little bit of respect, which in turn would have been even more contrasting to his arrogance and general view of Humans.
3/20/2015 c1 2DDorb
The substance of the story is very good. The pacing was excellent enough to make me a bit jealous. As far as character development goes, well done on painting Aveneth and Amana's personalities through their dialogue and actions.

I enjoy how the "detail spilling" is kept to a minimum so that the reader isn't burdened by too much information and there's enough information given so the reader isn't scrambling for the reasons of how and why (or needing to whip out the Lexicanum, the WH40k wiki, or a Codex lying on the shelf to brush up one's knowledge of Xeno cultures and military practices).

As for the parts of the story that could use improvement, I'd say one in particular is the sniper duel between Aveneth and the Tau. It seems a bit brief for what could be a longer moment as one of the best ways to use tension is to let a thrilling moment last long enough for one's heart to start racing. Other than that, there are a few minor annoyances regarding some spelling errors.

Overall it is an enjoyable read, and perhaps I would've enjoyed it more if Amana and Aveneth's journey together had lasted a little longer. But that's just personal preference, and many good writers do kill off the innocent young ones.
1/8/2015 c1 13Adrassil
I liked this, very poignant.

The Eldar do think of the big picture a bit too much 'the end justifies the means' mentality and this story conveys this well, as well as their arrogance.

His callous use of her life in that sacrifice then his attempt at justifying it was well done.

One complaint her past is a little unoriginal, the organised marriage and abusive husband thing is quite common and a few typos.

Keep up the good work!
1/1/2015 c1 3Chandagnac
I liked the sound of this story from when you mentioned that it shows how eldar arrogance might manifest if writers didn't always make them into stupid jerks just for the sake of it. And I'm glad to say that it was not a disappointment.

I like Aveneth. Waspish, bitter and sarcastic, with a very well-hidden heart of gold. It seems strange for him to be thinking "What a bummer", though. It seems a bit strange for a member of an ancient race that pride themselves on their sophistication to be thinking in human slang terms.

How old is Amana supposed to be? I mean, she's old enough to have a husband, but the way she behaves makes her seem almost like a little girl, a child, which makes this story even more grim and than it already was. There's a feeling of "yeesh, this is horribly messed-up" running through this story which, even though it's quite funny in places, makes it uncomfortable reading. Which is very appropriate for the 40K setting, mind you.

The whole war for Marinesh seems like a complete clusterfrag. Orks trying to kill or enslave the human population, opportunistic Tau bent on conquest, Imperial Guard defending the planet and Craftworld Eldar aiding them... Yeesh, it's like Dawn of War all over again. Heh, basically, this is what 40K is supposed to be like: only war!

[quote]Like a maser to his pet, he thought.[/quote]
- I think you meant "master", not "maser". Also, I'm not quite sure why Aveneth thinks this, considering it comes immediately after he was thinking about Tau and their caste systems.

So... I'm guessing Aveneth appears in The Melancholy of Shizuka Miyamoto, which is probably where the references to "Caroline" and "Aya" come from. I found that confusing when I was first reading this.
Anyway, I might check out The Melancholy of Shizuka Miyamoto and see what that's like.
12/30/2014 c1 lazylegionspark
That was a great read.

The portrayal of that Eldar was a pleasure to read. One read the story through the mind of a arrogant Eldar in his interactions with the less valuable(His viewpoint) humans that he encounters and but for one short time had a slight emotional connection. Despite that human being nearly worthless and all he could still feel pity and sadness for what was loss.

I have not read The Melacholy of Shizuka Miyamoto but this leads me to believe that I might be reading it soon.
12/30/2014 c1 65Kondoru
Yup I like it, Just like a pointy eared scum. (And as good a use for a monkeigh as any. A Dark Eldar could not better that...in fact a DE would spoil it by being emotionaly involved.)

Eldar are pragmatists.

When I think of elves I think of maybe Tolkiens, (Whos heroes often have morally problematic and often whitewashed careers) or Mythical ones. (amoral tricksters with deviant love lives. Pratchet portrays them well, except that he doesnt seem to realise they certainly can handle iron...There are elven blacksmiths after all.)
12/30/2014 c1 17Disciple of Ember
"The Eldar possess more traits than your tiny brain could comprehend," said Aveneth grimly. "Being funny is NOT one of them."

Win right there. That line, mixed with the rather ridiculous reactions makes for a pretty funny scene. Reminds me of the saying "I have socks older than your entire species!"

On a more serious note, I think that this is a perfect example of the way Eldar arrogance should be portrayed. Too often people just have them screw others over simply for the sake of being jerks. They might be proud and superior, but they are also a very practical species. They have no problem burning your world to ashes if it benefits them, but they won't go through the trouble of doing it for no reason.

The fact that you manage to take such a plot and STILL fit in humor without making it feel forced is an impressive feat.

The only thing I could think to criticism would be Amana's character given that she was more of a plot device than a person. Her tragic back story mixed with total innocent dedication and affection all seemed to contradict one another, making it hard to view her as a functioning human being instead of an idea. That said, a functioning human being likely wouldn't have followed through for a trinket when the shooting started and wouldn't have had the same impact in the end, so it isn't a serious downside.

All in all, a very nice one-shot. Both serious and silly, with a fittingly Warhammer-esq ending.
12/30/2014 c1 1Calvatron3000
Awesome and gripping. I did not expect it to the end way it did. Just when I was starting to warm to Aveneth he blew it out the ball-park, a side to the Eldar that we rarely see in fiction!

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