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1/7/2015 c1 4Skendo
Wow! Love it! Can't wait for the next chapter! Will the company find him in the mines in Moria in LOTR? or with the Goblins during the Hobbit? Amazing first chapter :D
1/6/2015 c1 4Tempest S
Geez you should have just killed him for good since he's pretty much apathetic to living.
1/5/2015 c1 1Oharu chicken
Oh no omg oh no poor harry. Oh no oh nooooo dude(tte) please don't leave him in such a broken state... he'll be fine right? Anyways! Good job with this fic! Despite the fact that I can't stand Harry in such a state, I loved it anyway! :)
1/5/2015 c1 Guest
can't wait to see where this story goes.
1/4/2015 c1 FatesShadow83
Great start! Evil cliffy!
1/4/2015 c1 1The elusive shadow
Hi
I just wanted to comment on the story because it really showed promis, so even if it is late where I'm at I'll try to make a coherent review.
I really like the way you describe the place and his actions. I can really see him stumbling around in the dark tunnels and was wincing when he fell and broke his nose. You managed to convey the sense of him being really vulnerable down there. It is dark and he doesn't know what to do. The fear is slowly coming closer. I get the feeling that this can end up in disaster because he is so vulnerable (without being weak) It was brilliantly.

The portrayal of Gollum was also spot on and I think his dialogue was in character and at the same time original.

The only problem with the text was the rather long narration/retelling of what had happened beforehand. You have the beginning; Harry has ended up in an unfamiliar place, it is dark and he is scared. But suddenly the important bit is something that's happened a long time ago, and then the story returns to the present again.
The retelling was also a little bit expositional in nature, like a long list of things that had happened. Which is all good and well but at this point in time, in the story, is it really relevant? The war, the political strife and being experimented on, it doesn't shed any light on his situation or explain why he suddenly gives up.
Backstory is good but I think you actually ruin your own scene slightly. Harry being lost in the darkness was really exciting and scary and then it is interupted for a tedious long narration of what have happened some other time. I wasn't interested at all, all I wanted to know was what happened to Harry in the mines.

My suggestion would be to put the backstory somewhere els, but not in the beginning, everyone does that and the strenght of the story is really the action and the things happening to Harry right now. My suggestion would be to shorten it down a bit, it was very long and I lost interest and wanted to scroll down to the story itself. I understand you want it to explain why Harry is the person he is now, but there are other ways of doing it.
He can have a short flashback, or have a bad reaction (like PTSD) when something happens.
He can see something and remebers something or comment on it (referencing something in his past)
You can show it in how he interacts with others. If his suspcious you can give the explanation that he's been betrayed too many times. If he's diplomatic and a good liar it might be explained with his years as a politician.
You can give him a backstory without throwing the whole backstory at the reader in one go.

But I really like the story, and like I said, the scene in the tunnel was really good. I could really feel him scraping his knees against the rock and breaking his nose, and feel the moist chill through his clothes. The mine setting was really good.
Good luck with your writing.
1/4/2015 c1 Opinr
Confusing.
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