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for To Be A Schnee

2/18/2018 c6 Guest
This is one of the most reatarted things I have ever laid eyes on you need to die right now and take this pece of shit with you
11/5/2015 c8 3Xyzantylzethyrioses
[I'm ready to embrace the Monochrome hell again.] That's not how I'd describe it.

[I should label this "that AU where Winter is Weiss's drug addicted asshole twin." This is what I get for writing characters before they're officially introduced in canon.] Nah, it's fine. It's AU enough already with the actual presence of romance (probably won't happen because of ratings and ship-favoring) and with the quick dismissal of the significance of the non-Grimm fights in their first year (looking like some sort of war is brewing).

["Blake's a big girl, she can take care of herself,"] Sound the trumpet and raise the banner, for Semicolon Hero is here. The first comma in that sentence should be one.

["Almost sunset,"] Such sleep schedule wreckage.

["Why do no one wake me!?"] did

["The official reason is to survey the area. So, she probably needs time to brood in private," Yang answered as she worked.] Lawl. Truth can be funny.

["You just have to understand that I will do anything to protect any of you."] Yep. One of the few desirable positive roles that Yang fills.

["if going to back to Atlas"] extra "to"

Wardrobe! Yep, I've thought about the drawbacks of having only white stuff with a filth-filled lifestyle. Hm... She could bury or burn her white stuff if she wants to be rid of it now.

["You don't have to do that."]...["Yes, I do."]...["You don't,"] Such effective mending conversation waow (it doesn't need to be)

Good; we're getting a valid prediction for Blake's goals.

["I know that,"]...["But, they don't."] Yep.

Well, Ruby had quite the timing for disrupting that conversation. I'm guessing she'll disrupt the plans even more. -Yep. ["Dust, Ruby, that's a lot of blood!"] ALL the disturbances to any plans of problem solving.

["Oh. Yeah. It's ok...most of it isn't mine,"] okay

["I got Neptune and Sun to agree to man the lodge, they say"] Semicolon
["Go rest, I can take care of it."] Semicolon
["Be careful, it's getting dark,"] Semicolon
11/5/2015 c7 Xyzantylzethyrioses
[Pine Spring Forest Lodge] That's a hilarious name. So normal when it's not just a business and is probably constantly at risk.

["there'd be a lotta folks'n these parts in your debt."] Rather strange that there are "a lotta folks" here in the first place. It's supposed to be almost inhospitable outside of the kingdoms.

[said Ruby, pausing in her quest to pull all the mattresses out from their pile.] Good. No snide remarks about the quantity of mattresses.

Relating to the White trailer... Plausible. It looked like it healed right away to me, though, but that might just be the **** animation at the time (the scar disappeared and appeared as well...). The scene does a good job of emphasizing the wound reasonably, showing its significance and Mr. Schnee's indifference. Could've been written much worse. Good symbolism.

The special anti-Aura metal is an interesting idea, but it doesn't add much to the story in my opinion. Is that Myrtenaster's material, since you wrote earlier that it isn't steel?

["I will have a nurse sent to room when we are through here."] sent to your room

["Am I missing something, or this making no sense to the rest of you, either?"] or is this making

Usually disposing of the bodies is completely ignored. Having a bloody guy staining your floor is a reasonable time to bring it up. Why did Weiss feel the need to cut him off? I personally think the best options would be either having Blake throw him out of the tree (it's a tree house, right?) since she's likely killed for the White Fang before, rather than making Weiss a murderer, or having Yang carry him to the ground (strongest) and lay him to rest to die unnaturally without extra speeding along. -Later, you have [No matter what justifications her mind produced, nothing could change the fact that she had ended his life.], which is the main point of my first option. There's symbolism in Weiss killing "herself", but it doesn't warrant the action IMO.

[She didn't have to worry about the blood, as she had scrubbed the vast majority of it,] So you're telling me they have fairly functional cleaning supplies and/or enough water to spare that they can wash and rinse, in this tree house in the middle of nowhere that doesn't have a reliable food stock?

[In a perfect world, she might have been able to do both.] That's what I was thinking. One option would be to wait for Mr. Schnee to die, or another would be to bring Team RWBY to the SDC HQ and basically refuse any requests for them to leave (but that would require a LOT of bodyguarding).

[The first rays of daylight]...[by the time]...[drift off]...[That night, she dreamed] Contradiction, no?
11/5/2015 c8 pojoe
Oh man I am so happy you are starting back up again! I started reading this story on the other site but I have pretty much moved over to this one fully but I have read all your other chapters from this story! and man I love it... It was kinda a sad one to start back up on but I do kinda love the sad stuff haha.
11/5/2015 c6 Xyzantylzethyrioses
I suppose that incorporates the dark vision in a fairly low-risk setting.

[window. She checked that it was locked, then checked again for good measure.] However, she didn't check that it was bulletproof or wrecking ball proof, or that the wall could resist bombs. Well, maybe not the wall... that would be quite the un-undercover murder.

[Nora]...[looking as if she had just inhaled three cups of coffee.] Don't give her or Oobleck any coffee. Nobody wants to experience that.

["I'm going outside the kingdoms to track Grimm,"] This conflicts with Yang's ideal of keeping the team together, unless Yang meant only until they're done with school... which is a pretty "meh" idea.

[breaking out into a thin sheen of sweet] sweat - someone got a little 'e' trigger-happy

["you're only her second visitor"] Aww...

[Weiss nodded in acknowledgement, stealing herself] steeling

Good. It would've been a shame if there were no sentiments or pieces of information exchanged. Bittersweet, and overall just right.

["reports of Grimm attacks from outside the kingdoms started doubling."] Here's hoping that it isn't just a coincidence chosen to raise the stakes of making a choice.

["Which is why I don't think I can justify sitting in some classroom in Atlas while the rest of you are out risking your lives."] I always thought that Weiss and Winter would've had at least a little business prep growing up. Official schooling is beneficial, sure, but what's to say that Weiss couldn't just take over at a moment's notice (not that she would be excellent at it)?
11/5/2015 c5 Xyzantylzethyrioses
['ILL COME PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE'] Yangy idea and Yangy method of texting. Ruby's probably shouldn't have used any capitalization.

Good phone call, I suppose. Didn't really do much, of course, but it filled its purpose.

["We're going to rally the troops," she explained. "Tell everyone we know who'll do it to look out for anyone acting weird around Blake. We don't have to give them the full story, if you don't want us to."] The first time I read that, I thought it said they would recruit the whole school. Not sure why I thought that. Just their "ally" teams is fine, and rational, and not suspicious.

[Blake was on her feat in an instant] feet

I suppose it's not the purpose of this story, especially since you said (in chapter 1) it was originally going to be a one-shot, but it starts with an established relationship. Some people might not buy that. (I know plenty of ways to initiate it, but this doesn't do anything to convince non-Checkmate shippers.)

["I could fix it," Weiss whispered after a moment. "I could get the undocumented faunus workers out of the mines, close the wage gap, tighten the safety regulations...couldn't I?"] I'm glad you didn't overlook that, not that there was much doubt when things turned Schneeward. Other pairings have nowhere near this much real plot.

...And desperation intimacy. Why not. Is this...? Yes, it is M. For a second I thought I remembered a T when I clicked.
11/5/2015 c4 Xyzantylzethyrioses
Ozpin: real dad

[was mostly a team of supermodels.] What does that try to accomplish?
Team WILL. Rather appropriate, since it represent's Weiss's will to keep her real team. Not sure if that's intended, but it definitely is a thing.

Nooo, don't feed Yang textbooks. Just let her... be not-excellent. It's just not something she has to be.

["No longer the case. She has been hospitalized."] So I'm guessing he's forcing Weiss to do all the SDC stuff that Winter would've done.

Well, your Winter theories are probably wrong, but I'll accept them as this-story-canon. Twins hating twins makes me sad since I am one and don't have any hate. It's the closest bond I could imagine.

["So, perhaps you can imagine my surprise when one of my associates entered a meeting, bragging about how his son had just won that very same tournament."] Well, the lie obviously needed to die, but this says that Ozpin didn't do anywhere near as much research as was suggested earlier. He should've looked for any ways that other people could give information that conflicts with the lie. But it looks like things are going south, which is very fun.

["You don't even know her!"] Pretty much the entire issue, and basically won't solve itself. I highly doubt Mr. Schnee would "waste" his time to hang out with his hated daughter and her friends.

[full inheritance] Sure enough.

So I suppose there needs to be graduation, and business stuff, and plenty of assassination attempts/blackmail/threats/sloooooowly changing people.
11/5/2015 c3 Xyzantylzethyrioses
["she's in trouble because her dad's a judgmental asshole."]...["Don't you dare put this on yourself."] Yang is definitely the right person for those lines. The concept is right, but application is harder. Weiss was a "judgmental asshole" for most(?) of a semester as well, and was "fixed" by exposure time, which Mr. Schnee doesn't exactly have. I'm looking forward to any possible solutions.

["Let's party!"] Doesn't really fit the mood. Something tells me that it won't just be a distraction.

["I have no idea what the hell this is, but apparently it costs about 5,000 lien, so I thought it would suit you."] And this highlights two of the reasons why I don't like Sun: Theft and indifference.

Jaune's mistake is fairly believable Jaune behavior, but it's a bit disconcerting that he caused so much harm. He's stupid, not mean, so hopefully the hate fades quickly.

Wouldn't SSSN not be at Beacon anymore? I thought they just transferred for the festival. Sure, it's somewhat useful to have more people...

The party doesn't particularly seem like something that would actually happen, but it's your call, I suppose.
11/5/2015 c2 Xyzantylzethyrioses
[Arktis Schnee was the gust before a blizzard. One needed only to look at him, to take in the sight of his immaculately tailored white suit, perfectly trimmed hair, ghostly pale skin and cerulean eyes to feel a sharp shiver all the way to the base of the spine. He held himself with the demeanor of a man who had never smiled in his life, face etched into a stoic expression that betrayed exactly nothing of his thoughts.] Good, we have a chilly Mr. Schnee. The kind ones are quite unsettling.

["She's proven to be a wonderful ally...and a great friend."] Probably not the right thing to say to Mr. Schnee? -Yep.

Max brown-nosing powers, activate! Probably not the worst idea when trying to salvage a relationship. Although it contrasts with Blake's words to Weiss on the first day at Beacon, it's certainly the right choice here. There's actually something to try to hold onto.

["Is that your guaran-schnee?"] Good one, although it almost seems like the conversation just prior was designed to lead into that.

["Blake? Why are you wearing that bow again? Are your ears cold?"] Looks like things are going to be interesting sooner rather than later. Not sure how that comment could be salvaged.

["I see," said Ozpin, taking a sip of his coffee.] Yep. His "don't care" attitude is always hilarious.

Hm... Rather anticlimactic ending to the conversation (well-timed interruption #54355481), but "time" will certainly develop the conflict. Mr. Schnee didn't seem to get anything accomplished other than voicing his opinion. It doesn't feel right.
11/5/2015 c1 Xyzantylzethyrioses
Hi, I review almost every chapter (unless it's really insignificant, or it's so bad that I don't even feel like saying anything), including: Pointing out typos or other errors; giving predictions as I read, even if the situation is resolved in the same chapter; and offering commentary on things that stick out as out-of-character or illogical, or the opposite (surprisingly logical or endearingly in-character). Hopefully the "harsher" aspects will be seen in a friendly way... in other words, it's intended as constructive criticism. When I quote stuff out of the story, I put brackets around it so it doesn't mess with the quotation marks. Nice to meet you.

Well, just by the description, it sounds like this will deal with similar topics to what I'm writing.

Not a whole lot of context here, but Mr. Schnee visits Vale/Beacon is a common, reasonable start to Schnee conflict.

I found myself without anything to complain about or comment on for this chapter. It's setup... so it's probably to be expected.
11/5/2015 c8 Misslieness
Thank you for updating. At this point it seems that just murdering Reichführer Schnee will be the easiest way out...

I'm not too keen on this fatalistic attitude they have though, it's gotta be said
11/5/2015 c8 AntonSlavik020
Can't say I'm a huge fan of the implications that Blake and Weiss aren't going to stay together. I really hope Blake changes her mind. Them staying together is honestly more important to me than anything, and this chapter made it seem like they're not even going to try, which would be frustrating to me. I understand that it'll be very hard, but even a temporary breakup would probably be too angsty for me.
11/5/2015 c8 Yasetsu
Yay! thanks for the new update I was surprise to see update in my email and starting reading right away :) Can't wait to see his butt get kicks
11/5/2015 c8 45GroundZeroFirework
Oh god...please tell me they're not breaking up...T_T...Loved this chapter by the way. Can't wait for the next update...XD
6/10/2015 c7 Misslieness
An absolutely amazing fan fiction. I hope you continue to write one day.
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