for Tale of Misfits3/2/2015 c1 Guest
Kool story! Youve done something different..than the reguler ketchum stories..I hope to read forward Amber..
Kool story! Youve done something different..than the reguler ketchum stories..I hope to read forward Amber..
1/24/2015 c1 
156Farla
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[After that day, I swore revenge on them, regardless of the fact that I don't have any Pokémon and didn't want to be around them after what happened to my dad. ]
This really doesn't make sense. All it does it make everyone involved look like an idiot - her for not thinking to use pokemon, them for somehow getting their plans sabotaged constantly by a kid who can't even travel between towns.
[After clicking the button on the Poké Ball and throwing it into the air, I saw a flash of light zip down to the ground in front of me before it faded to reveal a Pokémon. Standing there was a little Mudkip, but what surprised me the most was its color. Instead of being the normal blue color, this one was a mix of light purple. Not only that, but it had this angry, irritated look about it. ]
So sueish.
Look, if you wanted her to get a special pokemon, at least do it by a different method than that the pokeball she grabs at random is a special sparkly pokemon with special tailored personality just for her.
["I usually bring in Pokémon for young Trainers to start with, but this Mudkip was brought in from a reserve. Apparently, the other Pokémon there thought he was too different and began to torment him. He was sent in to me so I could find a way to make him less hostile. Alia, it took you a minute to accomplish what I hadn't in a month." ]
This would mean more if she'd actually done anything much to earn it. Instead, you're just declaring she's so great and wonderful that asking it to help means the mudkip likes her and there's no problem.
[The Mudkip nodded after a few second's pause before leaping up at me and landing on my shoulder before I had the chance to flinch. ]
Really, what's even the point of giving her a disgruntled pokemon if that vanishes before it's even hers?
Oh and now magic pokemon speech ability sure why not she's pretty much at max sue already anyway.
156FarlaYou wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[After that day, I swore revenge on them, regardless of the fact that I don't have any Pokémon and didn't want to be around them after what happened to my dad. ]
This really doesn't make sense. All it does it make everyone involved look like an idiot - her for not thinking to use pokemon, them for somehow getting their plans sabotaged constantly by a kid who can't even travel between towns.
[After clicking the button on the Poké Ball and throwing it into the air, I saw a flash of light zip down to the ground in front of me before it faded to reveal a Pokémon. Standing there was a little Mudkip, but what surprised me the most was its color. Instead of being the normal blue color, this one was a mix of light purple. Not only that, but it had this angry, irritated look about it. ]
So sueish.
Look, if you wanted her to get a special pokemon, at least do it by a different method than that the pokeball she grabs at random is a special sparkly pokemon with special tailored personality just for her.
["I usually bring in Pokémon for young Trainers to start with, but this Mudkip was brought in from a reserve. Apparently, the other Pokémon there thought he was too different and began to torment him. He was sent in to me so I could find a way to make him less hostile. Alia, it took you a minute to accomplish what I hadn't in a month." ]
This would mean more if she'd actually done anything much to earn it. Instead, you're just declaring she's so great and wonderful that asking it to help means the mudkip likes her and there's no problem.
[The Mudkip nodded after a few second's pause before leaping up at me and landing on my shoulder before I had the chance to flinch. ]
Really, what's even the point of giving her a disgruntled pokemon if that vanishes before it's even hers?
Oh and now magic pokemon speech ability sure why not she's pretty much at max sue already anyway.
1/23/2015 c1 11Alphinia
First of all, it's nice to see someone who knows what they're doing grammar wise. Dialogue is usually so messed up in this fandom, even for people who are pretty good writers, so good job there. I don't usually start off my reviews about grammar, but I suppose you probably don't mind since I'm using it as a compliment.
Your overall writing is good. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit divided on the plot, though.
I'm not usually the biggest fan of changing out the game protagonist for an OC, because lots of the time it's a gateway to Mary-Suedom. You also gave her a shiny starter, which makes me even more nervous. However... I admit that I do like Ryzen. I like his name, and you've given him a personality, so I can get past the shiny thing.
I think Alia's friendship with Brendan is cute. I hope they remain close friends. Admittedly, though, the scene where she explained what happened to her seemed a teensy bit forced. Since it would be a sensitive subject, it seems like someone else would've told him already. I know you used it to let us know what was going on, but I feel like you could've introduced it through the narrative in some way.
I haven't quite decided how I feel about Luca being her traveling companion yet (Another OC), but at least you're branching out from the game. He has a personality, too, and so does his shinx! Yay, pokemon with personalities :)
Speaking of the pokemon, I'm also kind of iffy that Alia can understand them. Usually, this isn't done well in fanfics, but to your credit, at least you didn't make it seem like she was the only one in the universe who can do it or anything. Plus, you seem to be using it mainly as a method to characterize the pokemon.
Overall, pretty good, especially on the writing quality and the trainer/pokemon bond. Even though I gave some criticisms, I really would like to see where you take this :)
11AlphiniaFirst of all, it's nice to see someone who knows what they're doing grammar wise. Dialogue is usually so messed up in this fandom, even for people who are pretty good writers, so good job there. I don't usually start off my reviews about grammar, but I suppose you probably don't mind since I'm using it as a compliment.
Your overall writing is good. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit divided on the plot, though.
I'm not usually the biggest fan of changing out the game protagonist for an OC, because lots of the time it's a gateway to Mary-Suedom. You also gave her a shiny starter, which makes me even more nervous. However... I admit that I do like Ryzen. I like his name, and you've given him a personality, so I can get past the shiny thing.
I think Alia's friendship with Brendan is cute. I hope they remain close friends. Admittedly, though, the scene where she explained what happened to her seemed a teensy bit forced. Since it would be a sensitive subject, it seems like someone else would've told him already. I know you used it to let us know what was going on, but I feel like you could've introduced it through the narrative in some way.
I haven't quite decided how I feel about Luca being her traveling companion yet (Another OC), but at least you're branching out from the game. He has a personality, too, and so does his shinx! Yay, pokemon with personalities :)
Speaking of the pokemon, I'm also kind of iffy that Alia can understand them. Usually, this isn't done well in fanfics, but to your credit, at least you didn't make it seem like she was the only one in the universe who can do it or anything. Plus, you seem to be using it mainly as a method to characterize the pokemon.
Overall, pretty good, especially on the writing quality and the trainer/pokemon bond. Even though I gave some criticisms, I really would like to see where you take this :)