for Gogyo no Naruto(DISCONTINUED BEING REVISED)5/23/2018 c2 orein123
So, usually I don't leave reviews two chapters in a row when I am catching up on a story, but I realized what seemed so off in the first chapter. While what I initially said about mixing Japanese and English still holds true, even more so with this chapter, the reason it seems so wrong is because the dialogue is incredibly robotic. Almost every spoken sentence in this chapter starts with 'hai' or 'ne'. As I said before, I understand that those words have different contextual meanings in Japanese, but it is still the equivalent of starting every sentence with 'yes' or 'hey'. Beyond that, the dialogue contains way too many redundant explanations. When people talk, they don't explain their exact reasoning for doing something unless they know it is out of the norm for them. Honestly, this applies to writing in general. If you have already stated a reason for something to happen, don't restate it when that something happens. If it has been a long time, in terms of story pacing, since the initial setup of the event, you might want to drop a hint as to why it is happening, but don't explain it all over again.
So, usually I don't leave reviews two chapters in a row when I am catching up on a story, but I realized what seemed so off in the first chapter. While what I initially said about mixing Japanese and English still holds true, even more so with this chapter, the reason it seems so wrong is because the dialogue is incredibly robotic. Almost every spoken sentence in this chapter starts with 'hai' or 'ne'. As I said before, I understand that those words have different contextual meanings in Japanese, but it is still the equivalent of starting every sentence with 'yes' or 'hey'. Beyond that, the dialogue contains way too many redundant explanations. When people talk, they don't explain their exact reasoning for doing something unless they know it is out of the norm for them. Honestly, this applies to writing in general. If you have already stated a reason for something to happen, don't restate it when that something happens. If it has been a long time, in terms of story pacing, since the initial setup of the event, you might want to drop a hint as to why it is happening, but don't explain it all over again.
5/22/2018 c1 orein123
Great first chapter. A few minor grammar and spelling issues, but nothing too bad. Only real complaint I have is over the amount of Japanese you use. I understand that this is an anime fic, so some amount of the language is to be expected, but switching into any foreign language (that is, foreign from the one you are writing in, not necessarily foreign from English) mid-sentence for one word here or there ruins the flow of the writing. Typically, you should only use another language when the context of the word does not hold the same meaning in the primary language of the story. Things like jutsu names in Naruto fics fall under this, or calling a kid gaki rather than brat because the English word is a little more negative than the Japanese one. Most of how you use Japanese seems more of a 'let's just throw it in there' type attitude.
Great first chapter. A few minor grammar and spelling issues, but nothing too bad. Only real complaint I have is over the amount of Japanese you use. I understand that this is an anime fic, so some amount of the language is to be expected, but switching into any foreign language (that is, foreign from the one you are writing in, not necessarily foreign from English) mid-sentence for one word here or there ruins the flow of the writing. Typically, you should only use another language when the context of the word does not hold the same meaning in the primary language of the story. Things like jutsu names in Naruto fics fall under this, or calling a kid gaki rather than brat because the English word is a little more negative than the Japanese one. Most of how you use Japanese seems more of a 'let's just throw it in there' type attitude.
4/25/2018 c23 marquis.shax
hmm how exactly did Obidara know to save Kakazu did you have him secretly watching the battle the whole time? I also don't see why you'd save Kakazu as he's honestly not that strong really outside of Itachi an Kisame the regular members of Akatsuki weren't really that great. Sasori is useful for his spy network but a weak fighter as all you need is a Hyuga who can see an disable the chakra strings for his puppets an he's pretty much useless, his partner Deidara all that takes is someone using lightning chakra to nullify his explosive clay (or a strong sharingan genjutsu lol). Hidan an Kakazu are a little more difficult but Hidan all you really need to do is flood the area you're fighting in to prevent him from using his voodo curse or chop him to pieces before he can really fight. Kakazu you just rasenshuriken his ass an that will take out his masks otherwise you'll need someone like Kakashi who can counter each of his affinity masks which still isn't all that difficult hell Gai could probably do it with his speed. Itachi an Kisame are the only really difficult pair to fight an while i'm not sure I think if you could separate Kisame from Samehada it would be a slightly easier fight (still extremely difficult but you wouldn't have to worry about his replenishing his chakra an healing his injuries when you separate him from that sword). As for Itachi I honestly have no clue how to beat him aside from hope he goes blind during the fight or his sickness does him in lol
hmm how exactly did Obidara know to save Kakazu did you have him secretly watching the battle the whole time? I also don't see why you'd save Kakazu as he's honestly not that strong really outside of Itachi an Kisame the regular members of Akatsuki weren't really that great. Sasori is useful for his spy network but a weak fighter as all you need is a Hyuga who can see an disable the chakra strings for his puppets an he's pretty much useless, his partner Deidara all that takes is someone using lightning chakra to nullify his explosive clay (or a strong sharingan genjutsu lol). Hidan an Kakazu are a little more difficult but Hidan all you really need to do is flood the area you're fighting in to prevent him from using his voodo curse or chop him to pieces before he can really fight. Kakazu you just rasenshuriken his ass an that will take out his masks otherwise you'll need someone like Kakashi who can counter each of his affinity masks which still isn't all that difficult hell Gai could probably do it with his speed. Itachi an Kisame are the only really difficult pair to fight an while i'm not sure I think if you could separate Kisame from Samehada it would be a slightly easier fight (still extremely difficult but you wouldn't have to worry about his replenishing his chakra an healing his injuries when you separate him from that sword). As for Itachi I honestly have no clue how to beat him aside from hope he goes blind during the fight or his sickness does him in lol
4/23/2018 c1 hahaha
RUDIMENTAL IS NOT A WORD. THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS RUDIMENTARY. IT APPEARS THAT YOUR GRASP OF ENGLISH NEEDS SOME TUNING AS WELL.
RUDIMENTAL IS NOT A WORD. THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS RUDIMENTARY. IT APPEARS THAT YOUR GRASP OF ENGLISH NEEDS SOME TUNING AS WELL.
3/18/2018 c5 theGamabunta
I'm sorry but I can't continue reading. TmThe way you write feels very immature with no regard to the character. The characters are just their because of the situation, they really don't do anything except progressing the story. To me it seems like a kid writing an op naruto fanfic with no character development. Usually I stick with stories and not give up so early but I can't see your writing maturing to the point where I don't cringe every second. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry but I can't continue reading. TmThe way you write feels very immature with no regard to the character. The characters are just their because of the situation, they really don't do anything except progressing the story. To me it seems like a kid writing an op naruto fanfic with no character development. Usually I stick with stories and not give up so early but I can't see your writing maturing to the point where I don't cringe every second. I'm sorry.
3/16/2018 c23 
1MillerA33
You can do that but be back as quick as possibly I live the whole Naruto being OP it is funny reading when he is just toying with his opponents sometimes
1MillerA33You can do that but be back as quick as possibly I live the whole Naruto being OP it is funny reading when he is just toying with his opponents sometimes
2/16/2018 c1 User name is taken try again
I like the concept but in my opinion, it feels like the story is to forced as of now. The thoughts especially do not feel like they belong to the characters and it feels like you are using their thoughts specifically to force the story in the direction you want it. I kinda feel like you should let the situations dictate this story because not trying to be rude here but it feels like your writing the situations better than the character thoughts.
I like the concept but in my opinion, it feels like the story is to forced as of now. The thoughts especially do not feel like they belong to the characters and it feels like you are using their thoughts specifically to force the story in the direction you want it. I kinda feel like you should let the situations dictate this story because not trying to be rude here but it feels like your writing the situations better than the character thoughts.