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for The Enemy Within

12/17/2015 c24 871-1 Marines
Having read Hard Contact, Uthan being cautious with the equipment is both in character and common sense.
Please do not Bully the Dragon, Doctor Uthan. Though it should be "stunned into silence," not "stunned to silence." Though at least she was smart enough to apologize after it becoming clear Narrisa was pissed off by her (not that it will save her from a brainwashed Sith).
At least Carver's professional enough to wait. Unsurprised he has to hide those wings now, if the Republic's media is anything like ours' they'd have a fit.
Good to see Zimmerman is climbing up and the Underworld cops will get the pay they've earned. "Corporal" should be capitalized and have a comma before it, but nice way of informing the Jedi of the...situation.
Why am I unsurprised at Zey not being fond of Qiilura?
Great job at keeping things safe, Director Isard. Very good work, as Zey lampshaded.
At least Kal's better off even if his adopted sons are now at risk.
Is the administrator trying to get killed? He interrupted a Mandalorian for no reason.
The asylum sounds like a good vacation home.
I feel sorry for Starr, for his patriotism his asshole gene donor-I refuse to say "father"-got his mother killed and him sent to an asylum.
Good idea to have Jaing guard Starr.
...good way of introducing Arla.
Overall, good work.
12/7/2015 c23 1-1 Marines
I see Narrisa just loves scientists.
Figures that Zey would be directing troops from a safe location (which is actually the smart thing for a General to do-Jedi get an exception since they're not normal, but still) given what I've seen in True Colors.
Good to see Zey was Genre Savvy, and even untested releasing the cure is better then just straight up slagging the areas. I agree with him wholly.
I can definitely see Ahsoka emphasizing considering Mortis.
Good point on Obi-Wan's part; the big picture has to be remembered, and Small Steps Heroes tend to forget the consequences of not thinking about said picture.
Makes sense how Fox reformed things. Dovel sounds like Divo but without anything remotely redeeming about him (I.e. Divo's genuine loyalty and moment of creativity in activating the police droids). I.e. The Loeb to his Gordon morality wise.
There should be a comma before Zimmer/Zimmerman's second use of "sir." Is his name a reference to the Florida vigilante?
Considering Dovel is racist against Togrutas, I have no sympathy for him.
I wonder if Zimmerman should be an Inspector or Deputy Chief considering his control over all the Underworld Police.
I admire Fox's approach to Dirty Cops. Considering they're at war and the CSF is under GAR control, he'd be able to execute them easily.
Zimmerman is pragmatic about dealing with his men, especially considering how crappy their lives are.
Good point from Anakin.
Nice speeches and plan. I can see the Underworld Police having oxygen filters due to their dangerous job-the Phase I helmets don't have visible filters (unlike Phase II/Stormtrooper helmets), but you can clearly survive in space with them.
Tiny violins for Dovel.
Good action scene, I liked how they fended off the Bando Gora.
It makes sense to have the cops and Obi-Wan deal with both rescuing civilians and putting down looters/rioters taking advantage of the chaos while the others deal with the remaining Bando Gora (even if the countermeasure spreads, it's best to deal with the remaining monsters sooner than later and thus minimize casualties and collateral damage).
Overall, good work. Nice update, and I wish you a Merry Christmas. Enjoy TFM and TECD.
11/30/2015 c1 160Frontline
I like seeing Ahsoka working with Skirata and the Nulls. It's slightly heavy on exposition at the start but, once it gets going, it really hits it's stride.

Good job.
11/29/2015 c22 871-1 Marines
I remember Dooku in the novelization of the Clone Wars movie (written by Karen Traviss) referring to the Republic as a pseudo-democracy. Such rhetoric wouldn't be uncommon amongst his supporters.
Nice Genre Savviness from both Luminara and Obi-Wan.
Even if the comms were working, nice Reality Ensues in that Coruscant would be unable to send help anyways.
Reasonable overall casualties for the Temple considering how the Jedi capable of fighting would logically end up sacrificing themselves while the Younglings would be able to flee because of their heroism. I wonder how the Temple Security Force (I.e. The non-Jedi guards I've read about) are doing.
Nice snark from Ahsoka and good idea on Obi-Wan's part (I.e. Eliminating and isolating who Je can).
Nice combat scene.
Good job on Obi-Wan's part for linking his datapad to the security system.
Good idea to aid Drallig's defenders and nice comment from Ahsoka.
I see Drallig is a jackass. Oh well, that's common enough amongst Jedi Masters, it seems.
Do Bando Gora not have cauterized lightsaber wounds? You mentioned blood.
Nice description of Scout, she seems nice.
Really, Drallig? Guns Are Bad? Not that I'm surprised, this kinda attitude isn't uncommon amongst the "Old Fashioned Swordsman" archetype from what I know.
Nice combat scene involving Jedi using rifles and a BDH moment from Anakin.
It makes sense that the Underworld Cops would actually stand a chance since they're better prepared.
Reasonable division of duties.
Padmé might be somewhat naïve, but she'd definitely install weapons at some point; Anakin would just speed it along.
Overall good work. Thank you for your review of Chapter 22 of TECD, what did you like about it?
11/23/2015 c21 15SWEUFan2007
A shame that Skirata didn't get to Uthan first. The action and emotion in this story. Are perfectly balanced into a brilliant fanfiction. I hope to see more from you soon. Sincerely, Magneto11.
11/23/2015 c21 871-1 Marines
Actually googled up the Bando Gora...creepy.
Good initial action and pointing out that Anakin's prescence wouldn't have stopped the attack. Admittedly, he'd be a great ally against the Gora.
Nice piece of advice to Obi-Wan from Ahsoka.
Nice plan. I wonder if the Temple would have a fusion reactor to power it...
Nice BDH moment from Barriss and Luminara.
Good thinking by Barriss.
Nice action scene-terrible that Zatt and Sinube are dead, but at least the latter went out fighting. Plus it would undermine the impact of the attack if only nameless Red Shirts died.
There shouldn't be a comma after "because," but nice moment between Barriss and Luminara about sensitivity. Equally nice to have Barriss escort the younglings to safety.
Good scene depicting the losses the Jedi have suffered.
Nice that Anakin pointed out the necessity for security cameras.
Coruscant is officially screwed.
Is Narrisa at the Coruscant equivalent of Arkham Asylum? I think the security force at Arkham is extremely incompetent judging from what I've read-at least Coruscant's one was attacked by a Sith apprentice.
I remember True Colors (gotta get the others)-I can definitely see Palpatine using Uthan, and the attack means everyone will be distracted.
Overall, good work.
11/11/2015 c20 Guest
Happy Veteran's Day.
Overall good work.
C'mon, Tarkin. Quit Bullying a Dragon; you know Ahsoka's gonna be abrasive with you after the Trial, don't try and dig yourself deeper.
Good reasoning from Ahsoka and Plo for striking down Obi-Wan's idea.
Nice of the Council to let Boss be with Fixer, even if the meeting was over.
I wonder why Fixer wasn't sedated. Was it so they could leave earlier? Granted, commandos can take pain.
Nice save, Ahsoka. "Ma'am" shouldn't be capitalized by Fixer, but as he himself says he wanted to go, so nice way of reassuring her.
Nice acknowledgement that Asajj is technically responsible for Savage's rampage since she brainwashed him.
Good point, Sev. Never joke about a good thing coming out of amputation.
Sleep is always important for the troops.
Nice way of having Ahsoka help Barriss.
The day Vau isn't grouchy is a sign of Armageddon.
Good to see that Obi-Wan understands the benefits of Anakin and Ahsoka's approach but acknowledges it will be difficult for others to accept.
And now we have monsters running around.
Good night and I hope you enjoy my TECD updates.
11/5/2015 c19 1-1 Marines
Nice reference to the Tarkin novel.
"Di'kut" should be italicized and not be capitalized since it's an insult in a foreign tongue.
I'm glad Tarkin lacks Humanocentrism. In spite of being an unpleasant Knight Templar, I can see him being respectful a la Screed of Ahsoka but maintain contempt towards Human Jedi he sees as soft. I trust him referring to Barriss as "Padawan" rather than "Commander" is out of not respecting her as an officer?
Good overall conversation between Tarkin and Ahsoka. For all his dickery, he does have a point in that the Jedi were gonna originally leave him and the others behind.
...okay, Narrisa and Palpatine seriously need new hobbies.
10/30/2015 c18 1-1 Marines
Damn. According to the EU info books I read, Czerka was pretty much the ultimate unethical corporation. So unlike the IGBC and other Megacorps, they don't even bother dealing with the Republic?
Unsurprised that Korriban is that creepy.
Speak of the Devil and he shall appear, Scorch.
Good little fight and even better Genre Savviness from Ahsoka.
Nice description of the Sith Lords.
I see Sadow wasn't as successful as Palpatine or Vader.
Green might be a good option, Delta-62.
Good ROE regarding explosives in light of a literal acid river. It's the same in space-blow a hole in the hull and you're screwed.
No OSHA Compliance-at this point, Lampshading it in SW is kind of a nice joke.
"Initially" is misspelled when the heroes encounter the Sith Hounds. Good Zerg Rush-it seriously reminded me of Fort Anaxes.
Be careful what you wish for, Barriss.
There should be a comma before "ma'am," and "sir/ma'am" normally isn't capitalized. Sorry if I didn't point this out earlier.
In general, one should avoid gas at all costs. Seals and filters can only do so much. Nice thinking on Barriss's part.
Nice that Ahsoka took out two of Narrisa's fingers. Just as nice that the Sith had a plan.
Poor, poor Fixer. This reminds me of *spoilers* the Bad Batch arc.
Eriadu-AKA Tarkinworld.
Would've reviewed this earlier, but I had stuff to do. Good work overall, friend. Hope you're enjoying TECD as much as I enjoy this.
10/21/2015 c17 1-1 Marines
Korriban (or Morriband, assuming Lucas renamed it) sounds like an incredibly pleasant place to live.
Scorch's lampshading should have a space between "bad" and "guys," but it's a good lampshading nonetheless.
Lux letting his father stew in his own juices is reasonable. Redemption is not a privilege, it's earned by repenting for your sins. If Roland wants to grow old and bitter in a cell, it's not Lux's fault at all.
Good Pet the Dog moment from Luminara (even if she's Stupid Good rather than evil). It's reasonable for Barriss to have gotten back on her feet by this time both due to motivation and healing physically.
Adam Driver's first revealed lines are absolutely badass. Looking forward to your review of TECD (I'm not trying to add pressure, I just haven't seen it in my mailbox).
Overall, good work. I would've reviewed this hours earlier, but I was on a lunch break and I've been occupied.
10/20/2015 c16 1-1 Marines
Definitely not the reunion Lux was hoping for.
Notably Roland didn't drop any racial slurs towards Ahsoka. Though I'd replace his use of "Separatists" with "Confederates" or "the Confederacy." I can't see any loyal Sep calling themselves "Separatists" or using " Separatist Alliance" because they don't view the Republic as legitimate. Hell, I even remember Karen Traviss's No Prisoners having pro-CIS rebels prefer "CIS."
Good precautions on Delta's part.
I can see Screed respecting Anakin and Ahsoka for actually being competent. Even Tarkin viewed the Jedi as adequate peacekeepers but lousy officers, and that guy was an utter Knight Templar.
Overall good work. Hoping you'll enjoy Chapter 17 of TECD.
10/15/2015 c15 1-1 Marines
Good work overall.
"Holonet" is actually "HoloNet," and "your highness" is "Your Highness."
Good description of both Onderon and Nal Hutta.
At fifteen chapters, you're close to TECD's total of 17 chapters.
10/12/2015 c14 1-1 Marines
Nice honesty between Anakin and Kal. Kal actually did make a bigoted comment about Mundi (I.e. "Conehead") in True Colors, the only RC novel I've read so far, but odds are it was more anger and general contempt towards the Jedi Order than actual racism (though he still isn't fond of aruetiise).
Oh great, the Kaminoan government is...somehow even more screwed up before now that Taun We's killed Nala Se (and probably shot himself). Fridge Horror: One guy pointed out a possible reason for Nala's OOC behavior could've been..."reconditioning," especially considering what AZ-3 said would happen to him and Fives (and likely happened to AZ-3 anyway, assuming he wasn't scrapped).
I can see Shaak Ti being exasperated at Skirata's Kick the SOB tendencies.
At least the crew got leave. Anakin's thoughts regarding Ahsoka should be "woman," not "women," but it's infinitely clear that yeah, they're surrogate siblings.
Considering how pissed off Lux was at Dooku, odds are yeah, he likely didn't get along with his father that much if he didn't mourn him nearly as much.
8/6/2015 c10 1-1 Marines
Perhaps some spelling mistakes ("Plagueis" is the proper spelling), but overall good work.
Reasonable that Skirata views Dooku the way he does in light of him going full Vader. Hell, the Malevolence arc alone-very early on in the series-had him order Grievous to target a medical station, which would be a huge war crime in real life. And piss off anyone like Skirata since the clone patients couldn't hope to fight back.
Good to see Echo undergoing surgery in Fives' memory.
8/6/2015 c9 1-1 Marines
Unsurprising Narrisa could've been subject to brainwashing/behavioral modification surgery.
Also good snark from Vos, Ordo, and Mij.
I wonder how many of those Senators and Guards were corrupt or good. Regardless, it's still a terrorist attack and a large portion of the victims definitely didn't deserve getting blown up.
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