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7/30/2015 c2 9Black Rose White Fire


I like the green-haired girl's (is her name Hatsune Miku?) reasoning. Her logic makes sense - that she wanted the boy to feel free, even if it was a false hope. It's more legitimate than most fictional excuses for bad decisions.

"The first is never anything more than practice, a warm-up." (*practise) What does this mean? What is the "first"?

So, when "the city shattered", I assumed that metaphorically meant that it was truly destroyed because the people were killed. Then it was silent because everyone was dead. Then they set it on fire? Not sure if I'm interpreting correctly. The word "shattered" is ambiguous. Actually the first thing I thought of was a glass city whose windows all shattered simultaneously (Shatterbird!).

"Seven fleets of Checkmate" what?

At the end, "Miku" vanishes into the woods with "the others". Is that the other children, or the fleeing bandits? I assume the liberated children, yes?

Anyways, please update faster than in 5 months! I want to know what happens next!

7/26/2015 c2 9FireCube
(I'm typing this as I read, so any questions that are answered later in the chapter, please ignore them)

Disclaimer: I *still* have absolutely no idea what is going on, so excuse any stupid questions.

Ohhhhhh, oafk quote! *immediately likes*

"It's all over quickly, without having ever really begun." I like it. Very intriguing opening that makes me want to read more.

"remain standing". Didn't someone break his leg in the last chapter? I assume that when a doctor puts you in a cast, he/she recommends you to sit down. Also, Axio said that the boy has 23 minutes, so the boy's leg could not possibly have healed that quickly to allow him to stand up. Unless the boy is a rebel and stands on his broken leg. Wait... was there a passage of time that you skipped when the boy opened the city gates? Maybe you should clarify? Maybe that's what you meant by the first line and I didn't catch it.

"fear and confusion and despair". Change to "fear, confusion and despair", it sounds stronger and flows better.

"He watches as a few...". You use watch three times in three sentences. Sounds a little repetitive. Maybe find a synonym (maybe 'observe') or omit one of the 'watches'?

"accusing gazes" sounds too nice. I think you should change that to "accusing glares". Gazes make it seem like the soldiers/bandits are peacefully observing him when they in fact seem to hate him.

"The boy glimpses, out of the corner of his eye, the arrival of Axio" sounds awkward. I think reordering this sentence would make it flow better. "Out of the corner of his eye, the boy glimpses the arrival of Axio..." sounds much nice in my opinion.

"Smoke billows upward, rubble falls to the ground." I think this is a run-on again. Maybe add a conjunction? "Smoke billows upward as rubble falls to the ground" or something along those lines.

In the sentence after, I think a few of the 'with''s are unnecessary. "The soldiers in the square watch with horror and sadness, with clenched teeth and watering eyes" sounds a bit better (again, only in my opinion)"

"The first is never anything more...". What is 'the first'? The first explosion? The first order? I'm confused.

"The silence is deafening." I love it. Very poignant.

"The bandits and the soldier... watch." Are they watching the city burn? Are they watching the boy leap at Axio? Why would they (the soldiers) stand around and do nothing. Why wouldn't they try to put out the fire or call for help? Is this a dystopian society in which the city being attacking is completely on its own?

"sends him skidding". I know 'him' refers to the boy, but it kind of sounds like Axio sends himself skidding across the ground. That produces an interesting image in my mind.

I feel like "The state of crushing, and the state of being crushed" sounds stronger and fits better than "You are crushed by others. Or you trample upon others to reach the top."

"The bandits flee". Why do they flee? There is no indication earlier as to why.

Overall, I'm still confused by the story over was easy to enjoy. Keep writing, your stories only get better and better!
7/26/2015 c1 FireCube
As per usual (I think this is the fourth or fifth time), I have no idea what is going on or what this story is based off of. Anyway, reviews are always good, but mine will mostly be grammar/wording stuff.

First off, I really like the title. A twist on the cliche "rise and fall" saying. Very original.

I really like the Oedipus Rex quote. It immediately made me like the story, and it fits in really well with this chapter. Nice job.

"Setting her burden down". I feel like I've read this in another story you wrote... but I like it. It makes it seem like she is holding a lot of stuff but also has to deal with a lot of emotional things (which I presume she does).

"He looks up to see the girl carefully folding and tucking away the fragile piece of paper, and he can't help but grin." This is a run-on (I think). Maybe something along the lines of "He can't help but grin when he sees the girl carefully folding and tucking away the fragile piece of paper" would be better.

This is really picky, but logs don't have backs (unless they are propped up against something). Therefore, if he "[leans] back on the log", he would fall off. Probably irrelevant but I felt like pointing it out.

"jangling of the chain connecting them." I assume 'them' refers to his legs, but it is unclear. The first time I read through, I thought he was chained to the girl... I think you could combine this sentence and the sentence prior to flow better. Maybe "Tilting his head up to peer through the trees at the sky, he swings his legs as comfortably as he can, trying to ignore the jangling of the chain connecting the thick metal cuffs." (I know that sounds awful, but you get the gist)

"One day..." makes me think "ONE DAY MORE". Random thought #1.

"won't be standing" sounds too passive. Maybe "won't stand much longer"? Unless you're trying to capture the speaking style of Axio.

Me being nit-picky: I assume the girl is shorter than the Captain. Earlier, you said that she put a box ontop of the stack. If she can reach the top of the stack, I feel like when the stack falls, it wouldn't bury the Captain underneath, as it is not much taller than he. Also, how 'suddenly' can a huge pile of boxes fall over? Unless the Captain has extremely slow reflexes, he would have heard warning signs and moved out of the way.

"work temporarily forgotten". I'm not sure who this refers to. Does is refer to the boy? The green-haired girl? The other children? Everyone? Also, green-hair? It gives me a weird image.

"he doesn't care, he has to get away" is a run-on. Maybe separate the two sentences with a semi-colon?

"Axio's shout". last I heard, this Captain was buried under a pile of boxes. I assume the bandits started removing the boxes? But this is not clarified. If the Captain is still under the boxes, how does know the boy is trying to run away? Unless he hears the chains rattling?

"the words only pushing him to run even faster". This sentence is a run-on, I think a semi-colon split should suffice.

Minor detail, but I think you should use "he is dying" instead of "he's dying". It flows better with the two clauses before it and it sounds stronger.

"there's crack". Did he step on the tree branch? If so, how did he trip over it? What is the cracking sound?

"his gun nowhere in sight"? Did he drop his gun? Did the watchmen in the tower shoot it out of his hand? What happened to the gun?

"despite the screaming of his arms and fingers the boy holds on tight..." should be "despite the screaming of his arms and fingers, the boy holds on tight". Just insert a comma. Also, that whole sentence sounds a little funny. I don't know what you could change it to, but maybe mention his arms and fingers protesting? In a figurative sense. Or mention his muscles burning. The first time I read through that sentence, I was a little bit confused.

"help him up"? Help him stand-up or help him up to the tower? If it's standing up, please clarify. If the soldiers are helping him up the tower, a mere gasp wouldn't be audible.

"There' a spy for the bandits in the city...". First time I read this, it sounded like there was a spy that looked out for bandits. Maybe "The bandits have a spy in the city..." would be more clear?

"His leg is set and in a cast". Bad parallel structure. I think it should be "His leg is set and put in a cast" because set is a verb. (I might be misinterpreting though).

Oh that plot twist. I like it.

"the back of the shirt" should be "back of her shirt" I think because it's a specific shirt you're talking about.

"The screen goes black." Much cliffhangers. Very nice ending. Very well-written chapter. I don't know what I think about the present tense. It's very 'I-can-experience-what's-happening', but it's different, as I usually don't read stuff written in present tense.

Overall, very nice job! (I didn't read this earlier so I'll post reviews for both chapters at the same time)
3/4/2015 c1 Fire
Apparently I'm a guest? I still don't remember my password...

My comments are on hangouts but I'll iterate again! (because that wording sounds cooler than just "reiterate")

Green-haired girl - I wonder why her hair is green...she's not actually Hatsune Miku or Tian is she?...

Also I like how she's well-characterised just by taking the picture after remarking that it's ugly, and by not looking at the camera...

How can Axio calmly hold her while he has a bullet in his shoulder? I'd imagine that hurts...

Good twist at the end!

I vote that he tells the city authorities what's happening, using the little-kid persona to seem trustworthy and showing them his sketchbook to prove he wants to be an artist, not a bandit! Assuming they aren't idiots and they listen, they can open the gates in 23 minutes and save everyone. I imagine Axio thinks too little of the boy to expect him to actually be able to convince city to lay a trap (and not get himself executed as a spy on the spot).

My brain found it hard to concentrate on present tense but that's a personal issue rather than a story one...

Thanks for the gift! :D


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