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for Hadriax Hale

6/22/2023 c12 thea11
Plus de suite ?!
3/7/2022 c1 NazgulBelserion
Sheesh this is every single cliche plus bad grammar all in one story lol
2/25/2021 c1 Guest
I've gone through the entire story and the one suggestion I have is that you stop using so much Italics. It makes it harder to read.
10/9/2019 c1 little-bast
Sorry to hear you lost inspiration I was really enjoying this...

I was wondering why the potters weren't really mentioned after he leaves the bank?

You could have had Hadriax moving into his new home and the potters pretending they had no other child and their jealousy over the standing and money the lord hale had...

Have the Potters trying to end the feud or gaining an alliance by falling all over themselves to make them look worthy and as equals.

You could have had Hadriax finding a few hale's that survived the fire like in the show but not having the magic necessary to get the lordship...so he at least has some family that loves him

You could have had some mention of Hadriax gathering information on the blood feuds he had like why the feud was started etc

Hadrian travelling during his holidays or working out how to handle the blood feuds of the potters and anyone else who he believes deserves it

You could have Hogwarts be sentient for the heirs and possibly mess with those she deems deserve it like Elijah and his friends

You could have the goblins teaching Hadriax or allowing him to train in the bank or something

There are so many ways you get re-inspired to continue this
4/23/2016 c7 3Lin Koa
perhaps you could utilise the same font you used here in the rest of your story? That, along with some spacing issues (the paragraphs being too large, making them hard to read) being fixed would further improve an already well-written fic.

Anon9826
5/6/2015 c12 Guest
this is fucking great keep it going
4/27/2015 c12 T.T
awww I was just about to ask if he was going to meet his dad. also the argents don't just hunt werewolves I think they hunted witches to so wouldn't she have been killed or disowned?
4/27/2015 c7 T.T
why not all of them? or if its still open why not fleur, gabrielle, susan, daphne, Astoria?
4/29/2015 c10 12Rokkis
This chapter was waaaaay better. Even so, feel free to used EVEN more paragraphs. Especially when you post dialogue.
As for the story itself... well... They are 11 years old? What's with the sex slaves and maturity?
4/29/2015 c6 Rokkis
I thought I would wait until the last chapter to comment, but this sort of blew my top.

To start with, your formatting. If you check out most other stories on you will immediately see that 90 % of the stories are easier to read than yours. Simply because of poor formatting.
When writing chapters you need to start using paragraphs! We can't read it as is and we need the spacing provided by paragraphs to be able to follow the sentences sensibly and easier.
This is especially important when writing dialogue

'It is much easier to see what's written, when done like this'. She politely stated, her fingers still rapidly beating the keys.

The story needs to be spaced out. It will look neater and be easier for us poor readers to comprehend. As for the language itself, quite a bit better then alot of the stories here. Kudos. You will find your own style soon enough, so just keep writing!

Now... some of the most common 'stupid tropes' that show up in fanfiction. It's not 'wrong', it's just so overused, misused and unnecessary that it significantly lowers the quality of the story.

The first is the Hogwarts letter. You do NOT NEED TO REWRITE IT! Most, if not 99 % of your readers have also read the Harry Potter books or at the very least seen the movie. We KNOW what the letter says. EVERYBODY knows it. We do not need to read it again! It's the exact same thing when people put in the entire Hogwarts School Hat song. We know it! It's not needed. It just takes up space and we ALL of us skim over it completely. It feels like a cheap trick to lengthen your chapters.
Just, rewrite it to something like:
'Rereading the letter, Harry quickly got to the supplies list. Cauldrons? Robes? Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them? Where should he even start? Lifting his gaze, Harry let his eyes wander the Alley for a place the find the first item on his list, his robes.'
- OR anything else really. I mean, even Harry in your story is just looking for the supplies list and still you post the entire thing?!

Now, over the the bank. The dangerous problem of TOO much money. It's the same drive that places Harry in Forks, Washington in a Twilight xover with a Bugatti Veyron. It's stupid, silly, illogical and doesn't make for a good story.
Now. if you have posted this story, it means you have an internet connection, which also means you can use Google. And that leads me to believe that your inability to research the value of a Galleon vs pounds/dollars is due to laziness.

Just as an example... In the Slytherin vault alone there is currently around 497 999 997 560 251 350 000 pounds
That 497 quintillion pounds or 7.71115646 10 to the power of 20 U.S. dollars ( or .7 sextillion dollars.). To contrast Bill Gates is 'ONLY' worth 79 200,000,000 or 79.2 billion dollars... Do you get it now? Just how much of an ABSURD amount of money you've given Harry? And that's just one of the vaults. Please please, don't do this. Yes, Harry can be rich, but for pity's sake make it a reasonable amount. To contrast even more. JK Rowling herself was at a time worth 1,000,000,000 dollars (billion).

And that last vault. OMG. That's 9.7 with 56 0-zeroes behind it... yeah..56 zeroes...

That's it from me. Always like Teen Wolf xovers when done right, so best of luck to you and hope that I've helped somewhat. In the end reviews like this don't really matter. It's just one persons opinion.

Keep writing!
Cheers
4/19/2015 c3 Shadow-Walker-Locke
I am aware of you being a new writer and all, and I admire your grammar, but if you could possibly space your paragraphs more? I find it rather difficult to focus when the paragraphs are so long and with several different subjects within them. But other than that you are an excellent writer and I am enjoying this story.
4/10/2015 c3 4110301
You can just say 9/10, it's equivalent to 18/20 and it makes much more sense.
3/18/2015 c9 1bookwormella
I like your story so far. I would suggest using smaller paragraphs. That would make the story easier to read.
3/8/2015 c3 randa1
I love reading Harry Potter fics, this seems like a good story, but it is a bit heavy to read and translate into my language (I do not use google translator), if the translation is difficult to keep up with the story by dialogues are all in line and not paragraphs, imagine the nightmare that is trying to translate text
3/8/2015 c9 1Reyna Potter
Good chapter :)
A tip for next chapter though: hit enter after you've finished a dialogue, so it's not all clumped up.
Ex:
“How are you feeling?” she asked with a tone of concern. "You left work early today".
“I just felt a bit sick; it's nothing to worry out,” I said.
“I hope you feel better,”she replied.

And perhaps try not to italicise the entire chapter.
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