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for Despair and Chaos

12/19/2017 c2 Ugly Braixen
And Its dead :3
11/24/2016 c1 Nana
I enjoyed it so much! was bummed to see it's only 2 parts. PLEASE whenever you can, write more of it :)
8/11/2016 c2 Guest
Could fukawa be a unicorn please I just think it fits her better but it's your story so yeah thanks if you do ️
3/7/2016 c2 2WanderingWatermelon
I really like this so far, good job with it!
6/4/2015 c2 1Alice In Hetalia
Holy nuggets *faints* Awsome!
RD:Hey! My line!
Foxy:Says the one who is a pony!
RD:Says the one who is-
Shut up don't ruin the story.
4/3/2015 c1 CurryDumplings
["I thought it was obvious," It cried, "I'm here to free you, of course!"]

Looking at your prior grammar, this may be a mere typo. Either way, this is not acceptable.

When using dialogue followed by a speech tag, pronouns and other nouns for the matter should not be capitalised.

Additionally, when you use commas to connect dialogue before and after the speech verb, the joined dialogue should flow and make sense. "I thought it was obvious I'm here to free you, of course!" evidently makes no sense.

A simple way to fix this is to put a full stop/period after "it cried". This separates it into two separate statements.

["I thought it was obvious," it cried. "I'm here to free you, of course!"]

Better.

-

The statements after this line of dialogue have too much dialogue, and too less description. You need a balance. Perhaps describe their gestures, facial expressions, or anything further to describe their attitude other than their voice.

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["My goal is..." The bear opened his mouth again. "Despair."]

From the way you've written this, you've written two sentences. If you wanted a pause, a simple way is to do this:

["My goal is..." The bear paused, before opening his mouth again. "...despair."]

Of course, feel free to add in italics for more emphasis.

-

["I'm... not sure, Luna," She sighed.]

As I mentioned previously, nouns following dialogue as part of the speech tag should not be capitalised. Additionally, 'sigh' is not a speech tag. It is a speech verb. You can't sigh that entire sentence. This means there should be no comma after 'Luna', and should be changed to a full stop.

["I'm... not sure, Luna." She sighed.]

Better. This shows she said the passage of dialogue, before sighing.

-

The bear constantly cackles and giggles. This starts to sound repetitive. If you want to reiterate its cackling/giggling, I suggest adding in the words 'yet again' or 'once more' occasionally.

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Overall, the grammar was amateur. There were a handful of beginner mistakes. I found the description inadequate as it seemed too simple. I can tell it is your writing style to keep things simple, and I acknowledge that, but perhaps add more description into the setting. This will help the readers to visualise the setting.

Personally, I like your writing style. It sounds fairly cynical, which I'm fond of. You've not fully developed your own and individual style, however. If you disagree, then disagree. This is merely my opinion.

Rating: 5.5 (Check our rating guide for more details.)

-Dumpling

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