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for Pokemon Black & White: Master Quest

9/27/2015 c2 ctran03931
You really made some unique changes to the anime which I believe were the real series' letdown when it aired, nice work on improving it with this novelization and tying it in bits of the games with Shane.

Although, I have to wonder, when are we gonna find out about Shane's origins since he's from the Sinnoh Region and Ash clearly seems to know him.

I really hope to see more of this story soon, it's already getting better in just a few chapters and you're sometimes leaving us on ending cliffhangers.
9/26/2015 c3 ctran03931
You know, I wonder how Black & White would've gone if they went with your story formula and added OCs like Shane to bounce off of Ash and the others including Bianca (I don't know if she's Shane's best friend) in terms of character development and to see Ash older and hopefully not like the faithful and helpful but arrogant little trainer we wee in every season in the anime.

And before you say so, no, I don't see Shane as a Gary-Stu; he's a nicely done OC and he's got so much potential. Keep it up with him and his partner; I sense them being Unova champions if they join Ash and Iris.
9/20/2015 c3 11TheBreadghost
You're welcome. :D This was a nice, faithful chapter, I have to say, even though I haven't seen this episode in over two years or something like that. It brought back memories of when I used to watch and enjoy the Pokemon anime. Fun times... Anyway, you've got a few places where grammar is weird but that's alright. Only a few that you really need to fix (like in the first paragraph where you referred to Iris and Axew collectively as 'herself'). I really feel less annoyed by the characters in this story, especially Iris. The dialogue isn't completely childish and stupid (there are moments) so good job with that. I really like the style of the post author's notes scene. Very well done. It's not something I usually enjoy reading. It was surprisingly fluid. And yes, I sang the opening song in my head. It's my favorite Pokemon theme. :D So good job. I will try to keep up with my own updates. I've already started the next chapter of Orre Journey so be on the lookout! And I'll be following here.
8/2/2015 c2 7Myra the Dovahkiin
great story. keep writing. update soon. I can't wait to read more! This is getting interesting.
3/29/2015 c1 16PokeMaster64
So a retelling of the Black and White series? I like it!
And I agree with the things you pointed out at the end, like how Jessie, James, and Meowth suddenly become more evil in just like, I don't know, a month or two since Sinnoh, and Pikachu losing to a starter Pokemon despite having greater experience. It never bugged me, but never made since.
Looking forward to future chapters.
3/25/2015 c2 11TheBreadghost
Pretty good. I love the humor. You've got a really good mix of fourth wall breaks and deadpanning. The only thing I have to say about that is that you used the word "comically" in reference to some of the jokes early in the chapter. If it's a joke, why do we need the extra emphasis on the fact that it's a joke? Just let the audience laugh at it. Otherwise, this was really funny. There was a line in the scene where Biff and Cassidy were talking to Giovanni that didn't make sense to me. "I see you have arrived with getting yourselves blown up." I was really confused. The other thing I noticed starting in this chapter is the enormously high energy level. I never got a break, or so it felt. There was always something happening and it just didn't slow down. Then again, it could be because I read fast. You had some pretty good moments in this chapter. The Poké Ball shaking lines were extremely intense. Iris seems a lot more tame than she was originally. And I'm pretty sure I know who I am. Your OC doesn't have any Gary Stu-ish traits at this point. So overall, it's pretty cheesy but also really funny at multiple points. The Breadghost will continue watching you. Watching... watching... okay I'm done now.
3/25/2015 c2 15NinjaFang1331
Awesome job with the chapter
3/25/2015 c1 NinjaFang1331
Nice job with the first chapter
3/21/2015 c1 11TheBreadghost
Overall, this is a pretty darn good representation of the first episode of the series. Most of the changes worked and you've captured Ash's character pretty well. Nice fourth wall break. I thought it was weird that Ash was referring to the "regional Normal/Flying type" the way he did. I mean, I know you justified it, but it sounds really weird to hear that coming out of the mouth of someone who is actually in the world since it is a term typically used by players rather than characters. There are also points in the chapter where you do a "he said" or "he explained" or something similar when it isn't really necessary. Quite a few of painful exposition conversations in this chapter as well. Though I've found that's my own personal problem. Direct expositional content just hurts my soul for some reason. I completely agree with you about Cameron. I HATE that kid. Hi-jacking the full battle like that... And he was a completely stupid character. Not even worth it. I can't really make a good judgement call on how this story is going to go yet since it's just begun, but it is very Pokemon anime-ish, so I think you are achieving at least one of your objectives. Be careful with Gary Stu-ness. Very, very careful. I'm seeing early signs already. But otherwise, good work. I will be watching.
3/21/2015 c1 57Sai Kunai Blade
Awesome story so far, man! But where is your character? And can I be in the story, too? I'd brand like your friendlier rival, like Gary was in Sinnoh.

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