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for A picnic with a special treat

10/10/2018 c1 Guest
A bit long and repetive
8/29/2015 c1 4scooter2
How about for your next story you make one about Serena's Pancham and Nini's Smoochum as a couple. Check the episode "Pathways to performance partnering" to help yourself. So far no one made a story or one-shot about them. Here's one idea for you: it could have Smoochum feeling depressed by Pancham not being here, but when Ash and the gang meet Nini again, that's when Nini tells them that Smoochum plans to ask Pancham if he could come her which makes Pancham feel a little more caring to Smoochum. Eventually I hope Smoochum does ask Pancham. It's not that I want Pancham to leave the group, but if Smoochum's request happened it would be interesting. Either Pancham does become Nini's pokemon or he doesn't, but does agree to be Smoochum's boyfriend. I hope they kiss and have some time alone to bond before it happens, but please don't make it a french kiss like the one from the "Ash x Iris" story. If you do I won't stop, but I'm just hoping your ok with that since we respect each others opinions. Please make a story about them. It doesn't have to be long, it could just be 3-5 chapters. Also, if you use the idea I gave don't tell me that your using it until it happens because I want to be surprised and if you do you could tell the readers I gave the suggestion. Please make one about Pancham and Smoochum.
6/23/2015 c1 10snowsleet
Even though it was written in more of a script/play type kind of thing, this was still good. The interactions were cute and the idea was nice :)
5/1/2015 c1 2A Wandering Shadow
Wow! :D It's written a bit more like a play, but that's allowed because FFN allows you to release your imagination! :D

4/30/2015 c1 9ShinyDragonair2
Why is this in script form? I would've read it, but the script form kinda put me off.
4/29/2015 c1 22ChocoChipKitty
Okay, I'm sorry, but... I need you to listen to this. You don't have to take this advice or even read it, but I think it would help and I'm offering it to you to help you later on.

This is a good concept. It's a nice story idea, and could be something great. But there's a bit of a problem. The way you write it, with the script format - it doesn't work. It makes it difficult to read, along with the stuff in parentheses. If you write it in script format, that's fine, but you really don't need to include what, exactly, the characters are doing as they speak. It clutters it up.

Also, you made things too long. It's a one-shot with OCs, the kind of thing people aren't typically too fond of. So you have to not drag things out. That drives people away. If you drag it out, it makes it even harder to follow. So be careful with that.

This was difficult to read through. Clever idea, but take my advice and see where it gets you! I did like the concept, though, it was unique and had a sweet ending. You have a lot of originality - and potential - so no matter what, keep writing! ;3
4/27/2015 c1 Serena Ketchum Fan
The interaction between David and Eileen was sweet and funny.
4/27/2015 c1 90Atomsk the Pirate King
That was a good story. And the two characters really enjoyed their picnic
4/24/2015 c1 1Red the Pokemon Master
4/24/2015 c1 56006
I wish a happy birthday to QUEENSPELLER67 also
4/10/2015 c1 77QUEENSPELLER67
That was good, but you only got Trent and Liana right. I could write a sequel to this story to show you how they'd act if they found out David and Eileen were a couple. Thank you so much!

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