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for A Tale of Two Saviors

8/12/2018 c2 1Sir Reads-elot Du lac
Hi there, tis the outlaw.

Just a handful of notes to add. Through naturally, far too late to the party for it.

One is the rapid repeat of information like for example you as a narrator info the reader that Emily's hair is now pink. Then she herself exclaims that it pink.
The repetitive info is not needed. I would suggest dropping the narrator side and having her state it.

Also im guessing “hair elastic” is an american phrase?

I did however really love how you did the hair change, with the rich magic melding her hair and hair tie. Nice world building.

Other than that, while the girls are aware they are traveling to a magic school. The chance of two girls that had never experienced magic being 100% ok by a talking bird is a bit much to ask. If a animal starts talking most people freak!

I enjoyed the test, it really helped set some individuality between Emily and Gen as they are very much alike and i'm looking forward to seeing what other characters you have prepared.
-the outlaw
7/2/2018 c14 Guest
ugh i miss reading this. please please please dont quit, you are very talented, dont let a busy schedule stop you from showing the world what you're made of. 3
8/24/2017 c12 2Feste the Mad
I do really love it when you world build-er, spiral build that is. I like understanding how it would actually work. I especially like the fact that there's always some explanation as to why sticking to the side works. I keep imagining an OC trying to figure out why that is, "it can't be a coincidence, surely!" XD.
Keep it up.
8/1/2017 c11 3TheGreaterShade
The story is pretty good, I agree with Goxeris it's a lot like reading a let play. I would say some of the earlier chapters could use an update for some spelling and grammatical errors. Most of it revolves around the dialogue, because the first chapter it seems like after someone speak there is always a he said, she said, they said, etc... every time someone else starts speaking. Basically with dialogue the only time you need to state the name of the person speaking is when, someone starts a conversation, the person who is speaking changes (if it then goes back to the previous speaker than you don't have to restate the speaker because it's implied), a person's tone of voice changes, and occasionally when the subject of the conversation changes, there are a couple of others but those are the basic ones. I like your story so far, I hope to see more good work for you! Best wishes to you. -TLK Aria Knight
6/28/2017 c10 5goxeris
Very nice chapter. I particularly enjoyed the crafting part. The explanation of Lady Blackhope's powers and how she was sealed was very neat too.
5/5/2017 c9 Guest
When is the next one coming out
4/23/2017 c9 goxeris
Nice story! Everything is pretty similar to canon and it feels almost like watching a “Let’s play” of the game. I like how you managed to explain the game’s mechanics from a storytelling perspective and I think that the story itself is very well written. What I enjoyed the most though, and actually made me want to read all the chapters in one sitting, are none other than Emily and Genevieve. They are very well thought out and relatable characters(they feel like real people playing through the game).
The chapters I liked the most are those focusing on the two of them and their problems with their new lifestyle as wizards. The last three chapters in particular were awesome, getting to know more about what each school taught and how Emily and Genevieve came to terms with their own approach to magic was what I was looking for in a story on a magical school.
I can only speak for myself, but as I said before, the chapters that don’t really advance the quests all that much but focus more on the two girls are some of my favorites, so don’t be afraid to put in more of these moments and that goes also on how Emily deals with her anxiety.
I think that “saving the Spiral” is a very important thing to do, but we can all start the game and save it ourselves whenever we want to after all. It is far more interesting reading how Emily and Genevieve do it their own way, their reactions to the crazy things that are going on in the spiral, or their difficulties in their quests or simple daily things as school or relationships, their successes and their dreams . You managed to convey all of that, so I thank you for writing this story, I’ll be looking forward to the next update.
3/21/2017 c8 2Feste the Mad
One thing I'm a little puzzled over is why she didn't just choose Balance. It is, almost by definition, a little bit of everything. Wouldn't that have solved her predicament? In any case, I am quite enjoying this story. Continue as soon as you can. Or as soon as you stop procrastinating. That's not an insult or complaint btw, that's just me projecting myself upon you.
3/3/2017 c1 Guest
Great work I love ittt
8/29/2016 c7 Dianastardreamer
CLIFHANGER! NO! This is a awesome story!
4/11/2016 c6 tigerbubbles
awesome story can't wait for the next chapter
11/27/2015 c6 jckgwk
Great chapter like always,and I love how you add the game macanics it works perfectly. You need to do more
4/22/2015 c1 18LoveGarden22
Good start!

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