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for Remnant of Cursed Paradise

9/1/2018 c9 2Nihatclodra
Jaune telling Blake that he is an orphan is utterly retarded. It serves absolutely no purpose except to make people eventually believe he is lying, which in turn makes it easier for the Arcs to learn he isn't Jaune. hell, when he introduced himself as "Jaune Arc Smita", it was just as fucking stupid...
9/1/2018 c3 Nihatclodra
With Shirou believing Aura and Prana to be different energies; his refusing to have his Aura unlocked makes zero sense, and it rather OOC for Shirou even by how you have set up his character in this story...
8/17/2018 c22 6Captiosus
E-Rank luck strikes again.
7/5/2018 c1 5Advent of Shadows
Him replacing Jaune the way he did killed my interest. But good luck.
6/24/2018 c18 ALTER-BOT
hmm.. the last one feel to forced. make them feel OoC
6/15/2018 c5 JA16025
This story's shirou is mischaracterized. Better to say that the personality resembles an OC/SI. After all, one of shirou's character cornerstones is his unwavering compassion, but he's got no qualms randomly throwing swords at kids that talk trash.
Main Point: Dialogue, Characterization, and Plot are messed up. I.e. dialogue is unnatural and I'll suited for most characters, Characterization is either inaccurate or completely wrong, Plot is contrived inconsistent and poor overall.
6/3/2018 c9 8PandaGX
Little confuse here. Is this Jaune or Shirou? You pretty much put Shirou soul into Jaune. You just have Jaune telling Blake that he's an orphan, but he was living with the Arc family the last chapter. Are you forcing Jaune out and completely replacing him with Shirou instead of combing them.
5/5/2018 c13 Dohotaos
FUCK THIS TO HELL! Why do you continue to make Shirou/Jaune a pushover?! Shit! I mean come on! What next?! Will you make him kill himself because someone asked him nicely?! This story is going for worse.
4/18/2018 c29 2Mirrors Cracked And Broken
fholy shit I wish this continued
3/20/2018 c1 Homo Sacer
oops, bot magic, magecraft*...man, after spousing Nasuverse theory and messing up on the magecraft...feels bad man
3/20/2018 c1 Homo Sacer
Tracing is Shirou's magic. It is the one and only magic allotted to Shirou. It involves the manifestation of weapons stored in his reality marble into the physical world. The reality marble is a part of Shirou's soul. It is impossible to teach any of this to anybody, and impossible for him to implant a magic crest, as every use of tracing requires his reality marble. Now projection, on the other hand...
3/11/2018 c1 asdfgbvcxz3355
great first chapter
2/7/2018 c15 Guest
OCs are a terrible idea for a reason. This Tabitha character went from a semi-cute little side character that didn't matter to a Mary Sue that's apparently fated to be better than Shirou at his own specialty and will receive a magic crest from him at some point? How the hell is that supposed to be a good idea?

It doesn't even make any sense, since you can only really pass on Crests to your family/children.

And you're retconning things because you specifically stated earlier in the story that Shirou would NOT teach her anything about Tracing because he intended to pass it on someday if he ever had children.

In fact, you retcon stuff all the time, then pretend it was the plan all along. It's messy and degrades the quality of the story in a big way because you can't trust anything you're reading because it's just going to change anyway when you get a dumb idea in your head and you don't work it into the story properly. This is not what "unreliable narrator" means. This is just inconsistent bullshit that rips open plot holes into the story.
2/7/2018 c24 Archleone
Another fairly large error in this chapter is how Shirou acted like Tabitha didn't know about the Grail's taint, but there was already a scene earlier in the story after she summoned Lancer where Shirou informed both Tabitha and Lancer about the taint in the Grail. Shirou's team was also present, so they should all already know. You wrote the scene as if they had no idea.

There's also the "issue" of Blake and Shirou being into each other, but that's mostly a concern based on the idea that Shirou is in love with Saber and wants to reach her at some point to spend eternity with her. The "Legend of King Arthur" sent Shirou into Remnant while telling him "You need to keep searching" or something along those lines, so he can be reunited with Arthuria someday.

That said, I was never a big fan of the idea of Shirou being celibate for the rest of his life because he was in love with Saber. I like to think that she would be understanding of the circumstances and would fine with him finding another woman to love (and have a family with, potentially) so long as Shirou continued to also love her. But that's my interpretation of it. Most stories I've read go with the idea that Shirou would ardently refuse any and all relationship with a different woman no matter who she is, how much she likes or loves him, and so on. It seems a little unfair to both the girls interested in Shirou and to Shirou himself. If he intends to live a life for an indeterminate amount of time (i.e. doesn't intend to die inside of a decade or two), then that's a long time to spurn people for a dead woman. Even if he hopes to meet her again after death.

Since this story is seemingly abandoned, I guess it doesn't really matter, but I'm confused as to why Shirou showed basically no real reaction to the story told to him by Weiss' dad or whoever it was that told him the story of Weiss' sword. I mean, it was pretty on the nose. "Some guy long ago that had the same features as Shirou Emiya and had a huge affinity for swords like Shirou Emiya pulled a Mo Ye and sacrificed his soul to make a sword. He also transformed into someone sounds like he looked a lot like Archer EMIYA, aka Shirou Emiya the Counter Guardian, just before doing so." You can't really get any more obvious without adding something silly like "The guy was named Emiya" or "He hailed from the land of Japan/Fuyuki" or something equally direct as calling out a name directly connected to him.

Either you're just baiting the readers into thinking the Remnant version of Shirou sacrificed himself to become/create a blade long ago for laughs, or that actually did happen one way or another. Either way, Shirous lack of a reaction to it isn't really believable. Why wouldn't he want to study the sword further? Or do something, anything to try and figure out for certain if it was really a version of him that was in the story.

I also take some issue with how inconsistently Ruby and Weiss are included in the story. Ruby basically only pops up sometimes to be cute then drifts back into the background. Yet you also made it seem like Shirou and Ruby might be kind of into each other, before you decided that Blake would take that spot. Weiss never appears except to fight Shirou, say something mean about him, or for there to be an excuse for her sword to be around Shirou. Yet, she was supposed to be investigating him, and for some reason Blake went to her for help when digging into Shirou's secrets (which makes no sense without her somehow miraculously knowing that Weiss was investigating Shirou). There's no way that she'd have so little "screen time" if she's supposed to be that involved with things regarding him, but they're not even really friends or acquaintances despite their teams working together on occasion.

I also take issue with the idea that there's a Grail at all in Remnant, and that the location of the War seemed so changeable. The whole point of the Grail War taking place in Fuyuki every time was that the Grail was built into Fuyuki and attached to it's leyline(s). It couldn't have arbitrarily taken place in Kansas if the Church decided that they wanted a change in scenery for the War.

And even if there was some old Grail in Remnant, it would almost certainly be defunct and non-functional due to the whole "there wasn't a Grail War on Remnant until just now" vibe there is for the current war.

And there's the whole issue with a Dead Apostle Ancestor somehow arriving on Remnant to dick around, and how the Church also seems to be able to casually dimension hop to it at all and return whenever they want.

How could they possibly do that? It's a True Magic for a reason. No one but Zelretch and maybe his very best apprentices could do it (eventually).

And even if they could do it, why would they want to do it? There's more than enough stuff happening on Earth to keep them busy without diving into the problems of another world.

The thing with the Dead Apostle Ancestor isn't really enough of an excuse because there really should be no way that it can enact the Kaleidoscope to travel to Remnant in the first place, let alone use it again to return and cause Earth any trouble. The Church should be happy he/she/it is gone from their world.

This goes back to my earlier talk about the inconsistencies of this story and the lore behind it because very little of any of this really makes any sense. It's just happening with no explanation, and everyone seems to be going along with it as if it wasn't unusual.
2/7/2018 c23 Archleone
Man, I really have no idea what went through your head when writing this story. It's so full of inconsistencies that it's not even funny.

For example, why is everyone freaking out over Shirou? Shirou "died" at the end of the Fifth Grail War. Prior to that he wasn't at all connected to the Moonlit World and has had no interactions with anyone from that side of things beyond being adopted by Kiritsugu and sharing a school with Rin.

It could be that their violence was aimed at Archer, but the way it was written before and afterward implied that they had issue with Shirou in particular.

On top of that, Ciel seems super familiar with Shirou's personality, yet the above should still apply. That and you say in this chapter that Shirou has never met her, but Shirou mentioned having fought Ciel on several occasions (I assume he meant spars, but it doesn't matter) earlier in the story.

This really isn't acceptable. Your protagonist, the character we should know best, is probably the most inconsistently and poorly written character in this story. His history randomly changes depending on what you feel like he should say at any given moment. There's direct contradictions even. Having some of Archer's memories really doesn't account for that.

Then he's summoned Archer himself, which is only serving to make things even more needlessly confusing.

To be quite honest, this story is starting to cross the line into "unreadable" because of how little sense it's making. I... guess you could be happy about the fact that it's not your grammar that's making it unreadable, which is usually the culprit with fan fiction?

You should consider keeping notes and maybe even have someone co-write with you to keep the facts in order, should you ever try writing again. As it stands, you seem unable to keep things straight on your own. I don't mean this as an insult, but it's a legitimate concern. You directly contradict yourself several times throughout the story, and it's not done in the way that one might do if it were on purpose. These aren't contradictions in the "there is a mystery afoot" sense, so much as they're just blatant errors that should be fixed.
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