Just In
for Over in a Flash of Red

9/11/2015 c12 1Novrier
Strange, now that Shusui is gone you actually started developing Naruto as a character and not just a fighter. Strange, his death is a good thing, at least for your story. Either way, I like this improvement, really pay more attention to Naruto as a person, because he is really lacking in that department.
As for everything else. The decision to exterminate the Uchiha clan. It is a rather ... difficult choice to make, isn't it. There should be much thought, much deliberation, conflict, especially emotional conflict. You gave it three lines. This is more important than Naruto throwing techniques around. Seriously, techniques are good and awesome, but they truly shine only when they are used by someone of worth.
9/11/2015 c11 Novrier
Well, this chapter is kind of important, considering the events that actually occurred. The drama regarding Shusui, well, it was a rather touching moment and it did reflect the situation and the overall depth of the moment.
But there is one part that somehow ruins much of the emotional background. Naruto. Yes, unfortunately your main character is so undeveloped as a character, that he actually ruins the emotional scene with a character, whose values and desires were actually explored. I really felt sorry for Shisui, but I felt nothing towards Naruto.
A serious problem if your side characters are more developed than your main lead. All I can say about Naruto is that he knows tons of ninja techniques. Other than that, practically zero, nothing. there were a few emotional moments and scenes with him so far, but mostly it was just train, train, train and train. Well, that is what you've got. A well trained character and nothing else to him that actually could make him interesting or make me feel anything for him. I can't like your Naruto just because I like the canon version.
9/11/2015 c10 Novrier
Hmm, something is actually starting to happen. Good. Other than that, little else changed, same good things and same problems. Though your overall style is clearly developing and becoming better. Nice.
9/11/2015 c9 Novrier
Considering Naruto's level, what is he doing in the academy?
9/11/2015 c8 Novrier
Half of the chapter was the action scene with the characters throwing techniques at each other. A battle between ninjas is more about strategy than power. Techniques are secondary. Your fights have basically little to know strategy, the characters do little actual thinking and planning. Actually when I've read through this spar the only thing that came to my mind is a video game where you constantly click on various skills in order to blast the enemy.
On the other hand, the variety and creativity of the techniques was superb.
9/11/2015 c7 Novrier
This starts to get a bit boring, because nothing important actually happens.
Tonst of Naruto getting stronger, zero progress in character development. The problem - character development is more important than character's skills.
9/11/2015 c6 Novrier
Aha, Danzo appears. Hmm wonder how you will portray him he is not a simple character and many do simplify him.
You did a good thing developing a connection between Kushina and Mikoto, gives more filling to the story a more developed universe if you must.
Naruto's strength level. For an eight year old he is overpower. Hell, for a genin he is overpowered. You know it is nice to see a character with few abilities he has mastered and him working around his own limitation by being smart and using clever tricks. I haven't seen your Naruto stop to think even for a second so far.
9/11/2015 c5 Novrier
Another generic progression chapter. Same as before, gets the job done.
The spar with Shisui, not very interesting for an action scene. They just threw techniques at each other. About as interesting as two guys taking turns punching each other.
Naruto gets a katana from his mother by ... year another letter. Alright, this is getting stupid. How many of those damned things did she manage to write while Kurama rampaged around the village? Oh and why did she tell Naruto Shisui would teach him to use it. Shisui was around twelve at the time, a genin. Yes, she could've been his sensei, but seriously, would you entrust your newborn child to a genin? Someone who is ... not kid himself?
9/11/2015 c12 Gemini-Spark
please don't kill Mikoto
9/11/2015 c4 Novrier
Basically just a generic training and improving chapter. Gets the job done, though I could use some more detail about Naruto progressing with his sharingan, at least in a flashback.
Naruto's and Mikoto's relationship just came out of the blue. Nothing against it, but could've been prepared somehow.
Strange thing I noticed. Your Naruto is strong when it comes to skills, but he has little to now personality. I know nothing about his values or beliefs or aims. He trains to get stronger ... why? What makes him train, what is his goal?
9/11/2015 c3 Novrier
Again, improvement.
Like the idea with a primitive version of a puppet technique. Sasori could actually control puppets at a similar age, so Naruto developing a crude method of generating chakra strings, quite plausible and an overall good and original idea.
Kushina as Shisui's sensei. Again, good timeline allows for that (to a limited degree), so a good way to create a connection between Naruto and Shisui.
Why does Kurama think Naruto is a child of prophesy (having both sharingan and mokuton can hardly be a good reason). Oh how does he even know about the child of prophesy considering it was made by an old toad while Kurama was stuck in Kushina?
Kushina leaving weight seals for Naruto. Again, she had the time to prepare this and not do something to ensure the good conditions of life for her child. Damn, Minato and Kushina are lousy parents.
Naruto having all five elements. I'll put it simply, overkill. Give the kitchen sink, you gave him pretty much everything else already.
Still, improvement.
9/11/2015 c2 Novrier
What do you know, I am actually glad I decided to go on with this, because this got somewhat better.
First of all the fox. As before he does not reflect the magnitude of power and aura of terror he has in canon, but his motivation is somewhat clearer and you did reflect the manipulative side of his character and that is a good sign.
The council. Another mother of old cliches. I am not even against the council itself, I can picture there being an administrative organ helping hokage run the village. that actually makes sense that Konoha being a large city actually has some structure to run it. And I admit that you didn't even make this council half bad,d it actually plays a role. But why is it every time a member of the council speaks it has to be a hypocrite and a moron and nearly always a Haruno? Well, at least the Hiruzen maintains some authority. Though the line about military dictatorship that is not a line Hiruzen would say to a member of a council that is out of place, it something you as an author would tell us, your readers. It felt out of place a bit.
Naruto trains. Awesome and he starts from the basics, again, awesome.
Naruto getting letters from his parents ... err, when did they have the time to write those? Or rather, why did they bother with a useless letter instead of, I don't know, writing a will securing the future of their child? Another illogical cliche.
So overall, better than I hoped. I'll keep reading.
9/11/2015 c1 Novrier
I'll be honest, this first chapter nearly made me drop the story.
The reason is actually quite simple, it lacks originality. Yeah, all of this has been done before, Naruto with both the sharingan and mokuton, seen it, Naruto beaten by a mob, seen it, a helpful Kurama, seen it.
Some of this ideas work, I have nothing against Naruto having both the sharingan and mokuton, because it is actually plausible and makes for an interesting skill set for Naruto. So when it comes to bloodlines, yeah, not exactly new, but this is a concept that can work very well.
The angry mob cliche is just plain horrible, the worst cliche out there, not because it is so overused, but because it ruins Naruto's character from the start. So it is a cliche that has little logic, is very overused and actually ruins more than adds to the story. There are numerous ways of Naruto activating the sharingan, a rogue ninja, a betrayal of a friend, some other life and death situation. Seriously you could've given this a little bit more thought.
Kurama. Alright, I'll give you this much, you didn't make him nice and cuddly. But neither did you reflect him being a manifestation of ranger and malice (at least that is how Kurama views himself). For a being that is basically rage given flesh he is surprisingly docile. I don't meant that he should be trashing in his cage and roaring, but he certainly didn't have the same aura of terror to him. For crying out loud, Naruto is five in this chapter. A five ear old boy wasn't scared of this guy, some manifestation of malice. He is just ... rude. That's it. And that creature, or rather entity that has this immense hatred for all of mankind if helpful. Fine, I can agree with the fox awakening the bloodlines in order to ensure Naruto surviving, but why does he explain all that other stuff? It doesn't help him survive, actually it doesn't serve Kurama in any way. Oh and why would Kurama help unlock Mokuton if that bloodline can be used to subdue him (and the sharingan can be used to control him). So Kurama basically gave his own jinchuuriki ways of controlling himself. I think Kurama would rather die and reform somewhere.
Finally the mansion. Why? Minato and Kushina never had a mansion. They could, I guess, but they never did, because they never had a need for a mansion. They lived in a nice, but rather humble house because that is all they needed. Why a mansion, what purpose does it serve? How does a mansion reflect the characters of his parents that were hardly bent on being rich or famous.
So you may think that I liked nothing in this first chapter. Well, no and that is a reason I am writing this. If I think the story is hopeless and just bad, I just ignore it. What made me decide to stick with it for now is the overall quality of the writing. I don't mean the content itself, but the style and structure. The story is actually very easy to read and even though there are some lines that I didn't really enjoy, overall the dialogue is decent. In other words, I can see you writing an awesome story.
Well, I'll keep reading this, though my expectation are rather mixed.
8/20/2015 c11 Infamous Storm
You really missed the core of the Naruto character here. To protect and act as an underdog. If one doesn't exist, the other should.

You try to endanger Naruto but we all know he'll be fine. What really matters is what happens to those around him. A death an injury, something to spurn him into action.

I'm sorry but what's the real purpose here. This feels more like a splattering of ideas rather than a story or journey of one man to greatness. Even more, if that man is achieving greatness we should care about him. Yet, I don't.

I really want to work with you like I do with Lord of Akatsuki. PM me on Narutobase or through here. You have talent, and you're intelligent. You're just misdirected.
8/20/2015 c10 Infamous Storm
I'm not sure what to think here. You're so many words in yet I don't feel a threat for Naruto's well-being. At all.
219 « Prev Page 1 .. 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service