for Defeated by a Queen10/11/2020 c1 Dalia
Great! My only suggestion is writing out the dialogue in a normal text format instead of that of a script. Great work
Great! My only suggestion is writing out the dialogue in a normal text format instead of that of a script. Great work
7/31/2015 c1 
2A Wandering Shadow
I like the plot line, and all. :D It really Is great!
Maybe you should just stop writing in a script format, though. You know, instead of going now:
DAVID: (waving good bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice) I won't Candice.
You should go..
"I won't, Candice." David said as he waved good-bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice.
2A Wandering ShadowI like the plot line, and all. :D It really Is great!
Maybe you should just stop writing in a script format, though. You know, instead of going now:
DAVID: (waving good bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice) I won't Candice.
You should go..
"I won't, Candice." David said as he waved good-bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice.
7/29/2015 c1 KittyCat134
Wow! I love it! Hah! See, even women can be strong, and cool! So beat that, males!
Wow! I love it! Hah! See, even women can be strong, and cool! So beat that, males!
6/23/2015 c1 10snowsleet
I like how you write out the characters personalities, but just for future reference you don't need to put who is saying what in front of each sentence. Example;
"We should hurry up and get to the movies before all the good seats are taken," Eileen said.
10snowsleetI like how you write out the characters personalities, but just for future reference you don't need to put who is saying what in front of each sentence. Example;
"We should hurry up and get to the movies before all the good seats are taken," Eileen said.
6/14/2015 c1 77QUEENSPELLER67
Losing checkers and a bet, interesting.
1. I wouldn't have used that many hits the third time around. I'd just do two or three and then knock you down with a weak aura sphere.
2. I would've whispered into your ear that sparring with Maylene can be suicide. Then Maylene would've asked me what I said. I then would've told her and that I was joking.
3. Maylene would've said that the type of movies you're into are the same that the guys are into, except TJ. He likes comedy.
4. I should do a sequel one-shot, but I can't do research on fencing. However, I can do a one-shot after I catch up on updates.
77QUEENSPELLER67Losing checkers and a bet, interesting.
1. I wouldn't have used that many hits the third time around. I'd just do two or three and then knock you down with a weak aura sphere.
2. I would've whispered into your ear that sparring with Maylene can be suicide. Then Maylene would've asked me what I said. I then would've told her and that I was joking.
3. Maylene would've said that the type of movies you're into are the same that the guys are into, except TJ. He likes comedy.
4. I should do a sequel one-shot, but I can't do research on fencing. However, I can do a one-shot after I catch up on updates.