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for Defeated by a Queen

10/11/2020 c1 Dalia
Great! My only suggestion is writing out the dialogue in a normal text format instead of that of a script. Great work
7/31/2015 c1 2A Wandering Shadow
I like the plot line, and all. :D It really Is great!

Maybe you should just stop writing in a script format, though. You know, instead of going now:

DAVID: (waving good bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice) I won't Candice.

You should go..

"I won't, Candice." David said as he waved good-bye to Eileen, Maylene and Candice.
7/29/2015 c1 KittyCat134
Wow! I love it! Hah! See, even women can be strong, and cool! So beat that, males!
7/28/2015 c1 90Atomsk the Pirate King
You're right I actually like this story
6/23/2015 c1 10snowsleet
I like how you write out the characters personalities, but just for future reference you don't need to put who is saying what in front of each sentence. Example;

"We should hurry up and get to the movies before all the good seats are taken," Eileen said.
6/15/2015 c1 1Red the Pokemon Master
Your right, I do love it.
6/14/2015 c1 77QUEENSPELLER67
Losing checkers and a bet, interesting.
1. I wouldn't have used that many hits the third time around. I'd just do two or three and then knock you down with a weak aura sphere.
2. I would've whispered into your ear that sparring with Maylene can be suicide. Then Maylene would've asked me what I said. I then would've told her and that I was joking.
3. Maylene would've said that the type of movies you're into are the same that the guys are into, except TJ. He likes comedy.
4. I should do a sequel one-shot, but I can't do research on fencing. However, I can do a one-shot after I catch up on updates.

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