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12/25/2016 c10 Guest
Frosty here writing my first review...
I gotta say... It was interesting to say the least... but I wonder what her main weapon is gonna be..
(Raven) maybe she gets a sword and... if Rin gets knocked out, she'll use two swords but she'll have to take the risk not to break it..
3/15/2016 c1 2efoof123
I dislike this for one reason and one reason alone. You spend WAAAAY to much attention to the clothes and the character's (or possibly your?) opinions on them! The rest of it is awesome though.
1/30/2016 c7 27SuperiorDimwit
Oh. Yeah I see what you mean about the development putting Mephisto in a compromised situation. 0.0 Thaaaaat's a tricky one...

Okay, but starting from the beginning.

Ahh seeing Raven the hotspur in action! Sheesh she's even worse at controlling her temper than Rin. x') And an interesting difference between them: Rin has only ever fought to defend others. While Raven fights for petty insults to herself? Interesting... I wonder if that makes her the more demonic of the two...

I don't think I've met a bully who was that eloquent about it? Well, maybe in Japan they word themselves better. I don't know if I would have taken offence at what he says, though. It's quite evident that he's trying to provoke her but equally evident that he's sort of throwing wild swings in the hopes of hitting some spot that'll set her off. I think aiming the insults more straightforwardly would be more abrasive? Of course, it depends on what ticks Raven off, really. I can guess what potential weak spots a bully might target, but I'm not sure they would be what sets her off. What exactly is it that sets her off in the guy's taunt? She doesn't want to be thought of as helpless? Or does she take some twisted pride in her reputation as a fighter? Or is it the idea of her father covering for her/protecting her from getting kicked out despite her causing trouble? I think, if I were a bully and wanted to set off a fight, I would target something personal. It seems close at hand for him to jab at the fact that she's a dropout and a troublemaker and the only thing that keeps her in school (probably) is that her father is the principal. That kind of thing suggests she's weak not only as a fighter but as a person. "Daddy's spoiled little girl", sorta?

x'D Oh god, Raven... Saying one thing and doing another. "You are a waste of my time! But I still take the time to care what you say about me and beat you up for it!" x') Mah, but people do that all the time, and it's something I actually consider good in character portrayals - it makes a character appear very human. *v* Same with that thing when she sits down to read manga instead of finding out more about demons and herself, too. Who hasn't postponed an unpleasant but necessary task by doing something that isn't the least bit constructive but very relaxing? xP Good work there!

I like how Raven is feeling more comfortable in her own skin now. It's very relatable, that thing with finding a missing piece of yourself and suddenly everything makes sense. :3

Ahh and Mephisto continues to be a bad father... -.- Right now I feel like Raven's anger is shifting from being kept in the dark to becoming more and more about Mephisto not talking to her? He's treating her as if she's just a piece to be moved around and doesn't need to know anything, while in fact she has a right to know... :/ She has known him for a long time, though. Is there anything she has picked up during life that she might use to try and get him to talk to her? Guilting him or bribing him or striking "if I do this for you, you do this for me" deals, or whatever she has done in the past when she wanted to put pressure on him?

(Rin in Latin means Lucifer? I think you mean "the Latin translation of Rin is Lucifer". "Rin" doesn't mean anything in Latin.)

Mah, I'll get to writing the PM reply next, but I feel like after this it's inevitable that some form of clash/discharge comes about. There has just been too much built up within Raven over these chapters, it has to come out soon.


"paid with your father's m[o]ney"
"His cheek was already swelling up with a light shade of a purple bruise which was sure to get worse as time passes forming." (you fix that so it looks the way you want n_n')
"research of who and what I am but I needed to get my mind [off] it"
"One was a [girl with] shoulder length platinum-blonde [hair and] green eyes"
"He kind of looked like he [was] sleeping due to his messy, dark-blonde hair and closed eyes."
"how could they, mere students, know [what] my father is besides [] director?"
"Well the[n], the sun has set"
"I will never get used to [the?] magic or powers my father seems to possess."
"I could feel eyes on me[,] which made me uncomfortable.I watched my father play his game as the group below seemed to talk strategy [and think?] of a plan."
12/28/2015 c6 SuperiorDimwit
The tribute was the rabbit plush, wasn't it? Her mascot and her name. x) Nice touch with easter eggs like that!

Now that she's awakened and ventured out for walks in Tokyo... Does she notice demons, like people with mashou? Just wondering, 'cause that would be like one more truth she only now discovered about the world. I think her interactions outside Faust Mansion are the most interesting ones right now, where we get a chance to see how she functions around others and how she adapts to the changes that have taken place - like changing clothes when her roommates are out and using the shower room only when it's empty. If I were in her clothes, I'd experiment. Since people without mashou don't see demons, I would wonder how much of my demonic features they could see, I mean. Potentially I'd try to worm info out of Rin, since he seemed to have dealt with the situation longer than I had. Looking forward to more detailed interactions in school!

The dream section is nice and illustrative, but... I find myself wondering if it's the right time for it? Might be just me, but I'll explain what I mean. The chapters before this have all had a more or less solid core thing they showed - Raven Being Introduced; Raven Finding Out The Truth; Raven Is Confused And Really Angry; Raven Is Confused And Tries To Wrap Her Head Around The New Situation; Raven Escaping The Present By Reminiscing About The Past. They all follow an emotional development one could expect from someone trying to cope with what she copes with. In this chapter, though, I feel like the story is doubling back on itself a little. We've already seen the shock of her being faced with her new self. We've already seen her brooding over her dad's betrayal. (I'm not saying she stops brooding or stops being lost/confused, but something more should happen so that the plot moves forward - the school/walk in Tokyo could be that thing. Maybe more focus on that part?) What made me feel like the dream part might work better later is that this kind of thing usually comes after some sort of insight or experience that changes the character's perspective on things. I'm sure you've seen that plenty of times: some situation goes wrong, main character couldn't control their powers, and the result scares them. They realise their power and the responsibility they have for it (or they don't want that responsibility and try to run from it/ignore it, or they feel ashamed/afraid and isolate themselves somewhere for everyone's safety). It can turn out many different ways but the bottom line is the dream sequence doesn't feel like the next logical step right now: it would have greater impact if it came after some turning-point event.

[He is a traitor! Like humans, he lies and deceives others for his own gain.]
I just got a bit confused. Should I assume the voice is weaving lies into its breaking speech here? Because this is usually the description of demons and as a lie it's kinda obvious... .'

I want Raven to punch Mephisto! For being the dog she always confided in - that's like reading your kid's diary, but worse. If that doesn't make her upset enough to start throwing punches, what does? There's two kinds of people when it comes to hurt, basically: those who direct the pain inwards and feel silently miserable, and those who direct the pain outwards and become violent to their environment. I thought Raven would be the latter kind, with her short temper and all?

Mephisto is so blatantly demonic in how he fails to understand how emotions work... x'D It's frustrating as hell to see him abuse Raven's feelings like this but I do see the logic in it. He can't actually relate to how she's feeling, can he? And he sure won't admit that he has done wrong by her and been an awful parent, if he's even aware of it... sociopath...

[Hopefully none of the teachers pick up on it. Shit! What if dad told them to keep a look out for me?]
x) As a child who went to the same school my dad taught at for 25 years, I assure you Mephisto doesn't even need to tell teachers to keep an eye on her. Every teacher will know who she is, and they'll notice her as if she had a target painted on her back - especially if she's known for getting into fights and skipping class.

Lol of course she'd think Bon looked cool. x) Though, if anybody would figure out the connection between her and Rin, it's probably Konekomaru. He'd have noted her fangs by now, probably - nothing escapes his observation skill. This is promising to get intriguing now - I'm looking forward to seeing just how Raven gets into the cram school gang and how she fits into Mephisto's plans for Satan kids with the flame.


I heard the patter of footsteps[,] perhaps running[,] from behind but again no one was to be found.
"I'm bored, I wanna play." (A spoken line only ends with a comma if it's followed by "X said/growled/squeaked/spoke/screamed/etc") "I… How… What…[]"
I jumped and immediately turned to the voice that came from directly behind me[, only to] come face to face
I warned you[,] didn't I?
The laugh sounded evil[,] filled with joy.
Bodies started to appear all around me as my eyes widen in horror. (It has nothing to do with grammar and spelling per se, but logically, wouldn't the eye-widening horror come AFTER bodies start to appear? "My eyes widened in horror as bodies started to appear all around me"?)
Beautiful[,] isn't it?
as I slowly turned around [only to] face…
It was myself[,] engulfed in blue flames[,] smiling very demonically
Don't tell me you've forgotten Gehenna[, too]?
you know what I'm talking about for we are one [and] the same.
I began to back away from myself[, only to] have her [] follow me / only for her to follow me
You are going to be the strongest demon for dear old daddy[,] then you and I
"No, I can't[... / . / -]" (?)
I'll show you." [S]he put her hands on my shoulders as she turned me around[, only for me to] come across a mirror.
According to the reflective surface, she – the other me [-] was gone and only I remained.I now looked [like her,] with the blood and flames.
"No…[]" I waved my hand to see if my reflection was really me[, only to] be waving to myself like [in] any normal mirror.
"No[!]" I punched the mirror[, only to] break the glass and have it be devoured in blue flames as I found myself growling.
"Nnnnnnooooo[!]" I began screaming as I pulled my hair[,] falling to my knees / pulled my hair and [fell] to my knees.
I jumped awake[,] screaming as I found tears streaming down my face. (Again, the order of events...? Shouldn't she wake first, in order to note that she has tears running down her face? Or maybe "I jumped awake[,] screaming[, and] found tears streaming down my face."?)
I brought a hand to my neck and flinched how tender it was.
Scottish terrier [] with a large [ribbon - pink with white polka dots - around his neck, and] a silver trinket attached to it. (There's many ways to write that description, obviously, but when describing things simplicity is king most of the time.)
I assumed Yuuto was a stray or at least liked to [wander] around all of Tokyo but he [somehow] always [manages to] find his way home. (Nothing directly wrong with "seems to manage to" but it's a bumpy, repetitive structure.)
I pulled the white dog onto my lap [and] hugged him as tears began to freely pour (Repetition with "as" in the same sentence.)
Is he still here[,] Yuuto?
barked at the bedside table to [draw] my attention [to] the glass of water
I slowly grabbed the glass[, only to flinch as I drained] the water. (I think "drain" is better than "drown", as drown indicates the water goes down your lungs instead, but if this turns out to be a form of colloquial expression I stand corrected.)
my throat didn't [hurt nearly as bad as it did] when I woke up
"Thanks[,] Yuuto." I laid back down
If I tell you who he is, please say you'll still be my friend[?]
Not too well[,] Yuuto.
the little terrier who was snuggling in the blankets[,] watching me still
I could have died and then things between us would have been really bad. (...this makes no sense? How are things bad between two people if one of them is dead?)
I had the right to know[,] didn't I?
You're going to end up hurting yourself more," [h]e sang.
"Fine[,] little Raven, but only [on] one condition:
"Raven, where do you think you're going[?]"
they don't [accidentally] see my new features.
I grabbed my [bag] and made my way to the school
Standing next to him was a shorter teen whose hair [was] so short and stubby that he [was] practically bald. The way he was dressed [showed] he [was] more serious about school and on top of that, he [wore] glasses. (There are situations where switching tense is accepted as a stylistic technique, but this is not one of those situations.)
Off not too far in the distance[,] with a weird look on his face[,] stood another teen whose back was turn[ed] to the group (Okay, hang on a moment. Raven is standing right before Shima and the rest of the Kyoto group. Rin is standing some distance away, with his back turned to them. How on earth does Raven see that he has a weird look on his face?)
Why don't you introduce us[?]" the pink haired teen questioned. (You can use full stops like ? and ! in a spoken line and still use minuscule letter in the following sentence if it's a "X said/asked/sobbed/etc" structure.)
I'm sorry I forgot your name." He scratched the back of his head
"My name is [Amaya Raven]." I bowed slightly.
Okumura, she [looks] exactly like you!
"Huh? No way." Rin looked [from] me to himself,
What do I do[?]" the pink haired teen
"You think she's more my twin [than] Yukio?" (I think it would take a huge coincidence if Rin and Amaya were to have similar looks, tbh. Since they're not identical twins, they wouldn't look more like each other than regular siblings.)
"Um, it was nice meeting you all." I quickly bowed
12/26/2015 c5 SuperiorDimwit
(I read the revamped ch 4, and though I don't remember its original content entirely I think the additional interaction with Belial helped the atmosphere greatly. There's a pinprick of "ouch!" when Raven says she used to think of him as an uncle. Yet another trusted person who betrayed her. Ouch. x/)

Absolutely right choice to work in so many flashbacks in this chapter. They contrast what used to be a cute daddy-daughter relationship with the barbed-wire relation they have now and it is bittersweet and lovely. Especially how she used to rely on her father and turn to him whenever she was unhappy: aww... It certainly drives home the point of how much his betrayal hurts.

The flashbacks also give a helpful insight into what Raven's life has been like before we met her. A somewhat spoiled upper-class child of multi-millionaire Johann Faust - feels credible. x) And although I said they contrast the happiness of the past with the misery of the present, there's also parallels to be seen in the contrast. As helpless and lost as she sometimes felt as a child... I think it's the same feeling she's having now.

Regarding how the flashbacks are presented, there are smoother ways of introducing that and PoV changes. Writing out "Flashback/End Flashback" and "X's PoV" happens a lot in fanfiction, but I have always viewed it as a faux pas because it completely and utterly disrupts the flow of the story. You could try going for more seamless transitions, like the ones you see in books.

(Flashback example)
I kept throwing the toys around as I looked through them until I came across a particular one: a rabbit with a red bow on its right ear, and a zipper in the back. I remembered that day. It must be 10 years ago, at the very least. Belial had taken me down to the Southern Crossroads of True Cross Academy Town to do grocery shopping. Buying groceries isn't all that fun, but dad insisted I'd come along so he could buy me more of those frilly dresses he loved, after he visited a friend at Southern Cross Boys' Monastery.
He picked the plush from the dispenser and handed it to me. I hugged it happily - it was so soft.

I was hugging the plush now, too, I realised. It was as soft as it had been back then, but seemed so much smaller now. "Kazue, where is the folding fan?" I murmured into the shiny fur.

(PoV example)
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-(this is me doing a line break, okay? x'D)-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"The [Honorary] Knight and Preceptor of the Japan Branch… Lord Mephisto Pheles."
First impressions are very important: that's why I always take care to make an impressive entrance. Thus, instead of merely turning the handle, I pushed open the double doors with both arms spread wide. It makes the cape fan out behind me nicely, too.
(The idea being that with the line break and some characterisation that makes it evident who's "talking", readers will pick up on this being a different place and a different person's PoV.)

Speaking of how Mephisto observes his surroundings: I'm surprised of his very neutral description of Lightning. xD They do know each other from before, and it's not the best of relations - at least not from Mephisto's PoV. When you write from a particular person's PoV like that, you benefit so much from including those interpersonal relations in your writing.

"Next to him was... Oh. Oh no. While he is rather well-built for a human, I just can't stand that man. His unshaven face, and the way his greasy hair just hangs down in his face under that safari hat - which I wouldn't touch with a three foot stick, it has probably never seen the inside of a washing machine... Angel sure made an unusual choice when he made Lewin Light his right-hand man."

[I barely even arrived and the Paladin is already annoyed with me. I haven't even done anything yet. He is surely going to ruin the fun I was planning on having. How rude.]
? I was under the impression that Mephisto loves poking fun of Angel as much as Lightning does? It would be awesome if they teamed up to do that sometime. xP Though "Surely you jest!"...? I suppose it could be translated like that, but it really doesn't match with Lightning's overall personality. 0.o "Oh, stop joking/kidding!" would be more like him.

It might be that it's particularly clear in this chapter, but I just noticed you've got a very passive storytelling voice. "went to the bedside tables to find an old picture", "to find myself staring at the canopy", "only to find my leg being grabbed", "only to find my eyes wide", "only to find him hovering over", "causing the air flow to be cut off". There's nothing wrong with using a passive way of describing events, as long as you're aware that you're doing it and what effect it has on the reading experience. What this does is paint the character as someone who doesn't /do/ anything: things just /happen/ to them, while they themselves adopt a passive role in events. It's a good thing to be aware of that, as it creates a distance between reader and character and between character and the unfolding story (which is why writing guides will often encourage you not to tell stories passively). The times I think it's effective to use this type of voice is when the character really is in a position of helplessness, a position where they really are tossed around by events they have no control over. So in a way, passive storytelling suits Raven's current situation - though maybe not when it comes to her own immediate reactions to what's happening. Like "only to find my eyes wide". It's like saying she's surprised to discover her own surprised reaction, which is an unnecessary extra step that removes the reader from the surprised feeling: that of seeing Amaimon up and about.

The scene right after that is one where I think the passiveness goes a bit overboard. There's one thing that always bugs me about choking scenes in general, and that's the kicking. Where is the kicking? You might not be able to pry the assailant's fingers loose, no, but you sure as hell can kick them in the balls/gut/wherever you can reach. Kick, claw, bite - didn't Raven have claws now, like other demons? We keep being reminded that, off screen, she is an experienced fighter. Yet we don't see anything of that here.

Oh yes, I hope we get to see Rin and Raven interact in school. Cx Just see how Raven functions in a social context, really. I know we've been told about it, but it's a different thing to see it.


and [all?] the other toys that my father [could] possibly own.
and had Belial wait for us in the [limo].
He only wears street clothes when we are out in [public] together
He stood[,] proud grinning [grinning proudly?]. Thank goodness he wasn't wearing his top h[a]t in his cosplay[,] otherwise…
one of my father's custom made pink controller[s].
I slowly closed my eyes[, only to] find my[self] grabbed [by the leg] and [] dragged off the bed.
the teen with the green spike of hair[, the one] who was supposedly unconscious on the floor[: the one] who started this nightmare.
He had blood on his head[, and wounds that] looked like bite marks [] were steaming as they healed.
He squeezed[,] causing the air [flow] to be cut off. (active construction: "He squeezed, cutting off the air flow.")
Exorcists had gathered around[,] chattering away with one another as I made my way towards a very [talll?], blond hair[ed] man with blue eyes.[He] was not that much shorter than myself.
Oh, [how he annoyed me]/[he annoyed me so] [-] yet he looked annoyed himself[, too,] with [the look in his eyes and the way he had his arms folded.]
Please remind me [] how such a man could now be named Paladin[?]
At least I can [have] some fun messing with him, [this] Arthur Auguste Angel.
Next to him was another man[,] crouching.
There seemed to be no [objections to] me leaving
[only to] find him hovering over my dear Raven's barely breathing body
a metal rod that has an arrow on the end (it's a giant clock hand)
At some point during his time of 'discipline,' he [blacked out].
Rin Okumura (Okumura Rin: surname first)
Raven Amaya (Amaya Raven: see above)
8/30/2015 c4 SuperiorDimwit
I could see how Raven would think it was a dream at first - I mean there's not a single mark on her body to prove that the fight ever took place. I'm wondering about the chronology here, though. I think it would make more sense to first let Raven wake up and stare at her ceiling, then bring in the description of the final stages of the fight as memory comes back to her. She might not remember everything that clearly, either, like the way her wounds closed up by themselves - like I said, looking herself over and finding none of those injuries would help support her conviction that it was all a dream.

Raven, dear, you're not overthinking anything by trying to assess your situation. x') If anything she's underthinking it by cutting short her train of thought as quickly as she does, but I guess she's not ready to handle the reality of things just yet. There is an overall feeling of not-gonna-deal-with-this-right-now in her decisions that I didn't like at first, but when I read it a second time I find that I really appreciate it. She's running from truths she doesn't want to accept, and that makes total sense. Just dropping everything and dashing off mindlessly. That does explain the at first glance incomprehensibly fast switch from "I wanted to hide in my room, to stay here and never come out" to "In fact, there was no way I could stay in this house" course of action. I'd still like to stress that the first time I read that, it really was an incomprehensibly fast switch. Like I couldn't grasp Raven's thoughts and understand what reasoning led her to make the decisions she eventually makes. (She doesn't even think of getting that fan she's sealed in? Leaving that with Mephisto would seem like leaving part of herself in the mansion.) That could just be me being slow, but it could be good to keep the observation in mind in case you have other slow readers.

About descriptions? There, you definitely have to slow down. You don't have to squeeze in the whole description in one sentence and then hurry on: that just makes things more complicated than they need to be, and often gets syntax and grammar messed up.
"I slowly stood and finished getting dressed in some jeans and a black hooded top with laces on the back with boots." [I slowly stood and finished getting dressed. I pulled on the first pair of jeans I got out of the closet and tugged a top over my head: a black one with a hood and laces in the back. (As I think you already know, Japanese people do not wear any footwear indoors except slippers. Raven's boots would be at the entrance of the mansion.)]
"It was the green haired teenager with the weird creature as a pet who attacked me, who started this huge mess." [It was the green haired teenager with the weird pet creature, the one who attacked me and started this huge mess.]
"He looked about my age with raven black hair that was sleeked back while in a black suit." [He looked about my age and wore a black suit that matched his raven hair and slick back.]

Ouch, Mephisto, just walking past her like that is flippantly dismissive even for you. x/ The very definition of "taking things in stride". Yeah, Raven would still have to be in shock after the recent events, otherwise that line should have made her explode, but now: she just blanks out. It actually is painful to read. Her incredulous questions are so full of hurt and abandonment, "doesn't he notice? doesn't he care?" Oh Raven... x'/

I wonder if Mephisto isn't being a bit overly harsh with "I don't have the time to deal with you"? (disregarding the fact that he could make all the time he needs, if he wanted to) I'm thinking that is more like what he says between the lines, not something he says in words. Sure, he acts like a jerk much of the time, but he puts his verbal gentlemanly varnish on top of it. Like that flashback Yukio has in ch 44, when he rattles off all the things he wants Yukio to do and ends with "You're going to be very busy" and then "Come now, stop trying to pressure me. The excitement is best saved for later." He IS dismissing Yukio and his opinions as unimportant, but it only shows in what he does, not in what he says.

-Stuff about butlers and mansions-
I know there is a most excellent book called "Roberts' Guide for Butlers & Other Household Staff" (you can find it on Google Books) that I have only read minor parts of, sadly. I still pity butlers. I think you're on the right track with letting Belial say "I'm afraid" when he corrects Raven on the day of the week: butlers always humble themselves. Always. However, saying outright that she's mistaken about what day it is makes me twitch. She IS mistaken, but it's unbecoming of a butler to answer the mansion's (tiny) mistress like that. Even with the "I'm afraid" there, he is contradicting his master's daughter. Maybe something more along the lines of "I'm afraid it is Tuesday, Miss. Perhaps the calendar on your cellular phone could be of help?"?
On that note, "Your father is in his room"? Just thinking that, given the size of that house, I believe there are many rooms that could be called Mephisto's room. His reading room, his study, his parlor, etc. I think "Your father is in his bedchamber" would be more informative. It would also make "He is in a meeting and wishes not to be disturbed" sound very suggestive all of a sudden. xD (Lol no wonder Raven hesitated to knock!)

I was also thinking... Well, I'm not sure exactly what it is you're meh about in the latter half, but something that comes to mind when I look at it is that Belial really should make more of an effort to do his job. (That in itself is just a detail, but it has the potential to give the latter half a more solid core of interaction and conclusions because right now we're not getting much of that.) Catering to Mephisto's needs is his priority one, so he should try a little harder to stop Raven from interfering with that meeting if he values having his skin on the outside of his body (Mephisto does seem to employ harsh corporal punishment for disobedience *cough*impaledAmaimon*cough*). Of course, Raven is his tiny mistress and his master's daughter, so he can't very well manhandle her - I was rather thinking something like Belial blocking the door to Mephisto's bedchamber when Raven gets there, urging her not to disturb her father. Raven could still overhear the conversation in there - and maybe pose some questions to Belial, which is probably the second best option after asking Mephisto. For one, she might notice his ears this time and ask about them (or outright ask if he's a demon, if she feels that straightforward). Since she was wondering how much he knew when she stormed off, I mean. I would also kind of like to know how Belial feels about Raven. He has seen her grow from toddler to teenager: in terms of being present in her life he's like an uncle or something, albeit one bound by a servant's duties and professionalism. Does it bother him at all to see her this rattled? Does he pity her? Does he think she should just get over her human hangups and accept her true self? These are obviously things he wouldn't say out loud, but if she starts shouting at him for keeping secrets from her there might at least be some telling trace amount of feeling on his face: the question is if that would be annoyance or pity.

The interaction between Raven and Rin felt like the most fluid one in the chapter, I gotta say. Rin is very in character and the sequence of discoveries between them just feels so natural. You could almost have carried on their talk, since this feels like a rather odd sort of chapter break - in the middle of a conversation and all. I don't know what will be in chapter 5, maybe it's a lot, but if it's about the length of this one then you could probably merge the two.


Any cuts or [scrapes]
I would have [gone] back to sleep
How could I be staring a ceiling
I didn't feel like moving nor did I want [to].
I felt the tears [starting] to streak down my face
All of these mixed emotions [were] giving me a headache
drop off your school work [as per] your father's request.
I looked at Belial[,] confused[,] and then to the assignments.
My eyes began to [wander].
I am a rebel or punk that gets into fights and [skips] class. (Just a commentary on this one. Punk, now that I get: a kid who gets into fights and skips class can easily be called a punk, especially if you're going to use the word on yourself. A rebel is something different, where the fights and the disobedience are tied to some form of protest or greater cause. If I were to describe my impression of Raven so far, she's most definitely more punk than rebel.)
I looked at my door, not [wanting] anyone coming in (I might be nitpicking, but just walking over to your door to slide down with your back against it and hug your knees seems like a rather scripted thing to do. Like it's something not done for any particularly practical reason (I mean if you'd want to be sure nobody walked in on you crying you'd lock the door, right?) but more for dramatic effect, like it's a stage play and it's in her manuscript to do it to convey an impression of sadness and hurt. If she did go to the door to lock it, and once that was done - once she knows it's safe to break down because nobody will see - all remaining energy left her, then I could picture her just sinking down on the floor like that.)
asked a voice from behind the doors that I did not recognize [asked an unfamiliar voice from behind the doors]
Why was [his] dress so formal?
7/21/2015 c3 58lolliipxps
Finally reread through all the chapters and they really were great! I look forward to reading more in the future. 3
7/13/2015 c3 27SuperiorDimwit
It's a pain when you know where you want the story to go but the path there is an uphill road. You can pull through, though. It takes some effort and some fuck-you-you-fucking-fuck-I-won't-let-you-stop-me but it's doable. :) The times I feel like I'm stuck somewhere - be it a dialogue or an event - I find that, sometimes, I'm stuck because I'm approaching the matter the wrong way. It could be that I have decided a character should react in a certain way or do things a certain way when that's not what the story had in mind at all: then the story "fights me" (like a stubborn dog that wants to go left when I want to go right). I started thinking along those tracks when I read this chapter. Raven's response is a rather generic I-don't-want-this reaction for a main character: have you toyed with other versions, where she reacts differently?

Now, this might be an odd example, but shoot. There are many people who never feel like they really belong, as I believe Raven did - what with her school dropout style and getting in fights. Then something happens - something about them changes - and when they look in the mirror they feel like they have found themselves: the missing thing that made them feel like something wasn't right is suddenly there, and they're complete. The example I'm referencing here is a friend of mine who only truly feels like himself (or hirself, to be precise) when he stands in front of the mirror and puts on makeup and a long-haired wig. What I'm suggesting is that you could test-run a scenario where Raven (reluctantly?) feels like she has found herself, instead of refusing and denying her identity. It might help loosen whatever story-knot it is that you're struggling with, or it might just be a fun exercise.

I believe Mephisto when he says Raven is foremost an asset in the impending war. x') What a cruel thing to say to your daughter! So I can see why she's pissed. Her entailing fountain of accusations teeters a little off track sometimes (he didn't "happen" to raise her, no more than he intends to stop "playing daddy" - he hoped she would still view him as a father, didn't he?). If I were her I would be most appalled that I had been raised as a weapon and focus my verbal assault on that. ...which, when I think about it, would mean that he basically never was a father in the first place: more like a kennel owner rearing a special breed of attack dog. ._.

Speaking of the living weapon aspect, that means Raven competes for the same spot as Rin. Now, that's something I can imagine many would frown at, since OCs stealing the spot from canon characters is rarely appreciated. Be smart about how you handle that, if that's where you intend to go. "Assiah needs a secret weapon" could be tweaked to "Assiah needs all the weapons it can get" to remove the competition for the lead role, for example: Mephisto would definitely collect more children of Satan to fight his war, if opportunity presented itself. Another, much crueller option could be that Rin and Raven are both possible secret weapons, but that Mephisto only needs one: leading up to a death match to decide who is the most fit to take on Satan. Or that one is the weapon and the other the bait: if Satan succeeds in taking over the body of either Rin or Raven, the other's task is to kill Satan (and the host). Either way, plenty of fun to be had! :D *lol I was sceptical of Raven filling the same function as Rin at first but now I'm seeing loads of potential in it*

I'm really excited to see where this goes now. I hope the writer's block wears off. x')
6/23/2015 c2 SuperiorDimwit
Back from Rome, back for chapter two: introducing the new kid to the block and the rules of the neighbourhood. (She really does need this, poor thing.)

I found it a little odd that Raven has never had a panic attack but could identify one so readily? Well, not saying that she can't. There's books and there's internet, she could know what a panic attack looks like. Maybe you could throw in a short line that explains how she knows, in case other overthinking readers scrunch their eyebrows at it? I smiled at Raven's reaction when Mephisto calms her down: "What am I; a kid? Does he seriously need to hold my hands?" x) Not that I would know, but colleagues who have suffered panic attacks tell me that "sidetracking" the panicking thoughts can actually help.

"Mephisto looks at me with his mouth already stuffed..." This is something I react to pretty often in fics, but I'm usually the only one so just relax, m-kay? My standard question in situations like these is "how often do you call your dad by name when you think of him?" Me, I never do. He's just "dad". My point being that when Raven thinks of her dad as "Mephisto", I get snapped out of the image you're weaving that she has been raised by him. Her image of him has been turned completely inside out, but I think she would at least reflexively think of him as "dad" before she catches her thoughts and reminds herself that he has turned out to be a stranger.

*tilts head back and forth* I'm torn about Mephisto's lines. Raven is reacting very organically, by which I mean that her lines sound natural and she acts just as bemused as a regular person would in this situation. With Mephisto... On one hand, I can see how sticking to lines from canon is a means of keeping the character in character as he is in the manga. On the other, those lines are mainly instructive, meant to introduce Rin/Raven/the reader to how things work in AnE-verse; they sound a tad too stiff for actual dialogue, don't they? Keep in mind that a manga has limited space for dialogue and has to keep it short and concise, while in an entirely text-based work I wouldn't mind it if you took a little more liberty with Mephisto voice, and added a hint of familiarity to how he puts his explanations since he knows his daughter very well. You did that nicely further down, when Mephisto notes that Raven is always in a hurry. :)



"D-Demons? I thought your exorcist work on the side of being a principal was a joke!"

"What have I said about going around assuming things, Raven? It leads to wrong conclusions, and wrong conclusions lead to wrong decisions. We are about to dispel quite a few assumptions and conclusions here today. You may know me as your guardian and father, and even the director of True Cross Academy, but these are only personas; they make it easier for me to move about in this world as a human would. In Gehenna, I am the second most powerful being in the hierarchy of royals known as the Baal. My name - my true name - is Samael, the demon king of time: though I did like it when you were little and called me 'daddy', that was so adorable!"

"Y-You're a d-demon."

"Or a god - it depends, really. Humans have given me many names in many ages: Loki, Trickster, and Watari garasu, the Raven. [I can't help but wonder if there is a connection here with Mephisto's role as the mythological raven and your OC's name. Is there a connection or am I paranoid?!] To some I am a demon, to others I'm a god. I have gone by Mephisto Pheles for about 200 years now. Johann Faust is just the name I use in association with the academy - can't have a chairman who's been around for two centuries, now can we? It's only for the public - my identity is what you'd call an open secret, as the exorcists I work with are perfectly aware who Johann Faust the Fifth really is."


xD Raven's disappointment at being sealed within a folding fan. On the upside, there's many options that would be worse. I'm at odds with myself again at the transformation. You're using the first person perspective and describing everything Raven experiences through the senses "I" is equipped with, but have you noticed that you're describing the changes as if "I" were a person looking at her from an outside PoV? How about staying true to the "I" perspective and letting her experience the changes through her own senses before she relays them to the readers?

(more examples!)


The flames coated my body, but it was my insides that burnt. There was a burning in my jaws, where something that hadn't been there before pressed against my lips from inside; there was a burning in my ears and in my eyes, but it was most intense at the base of my spine. It felt like the vertebrae were crawling underneath my skin, writhing like a snake that grew and grew. I ran my tongue around my mouth, trying to find the source of the discomfort, and came across canines that were way longer than what they used to be. (etc, etc)


And with that, I will conclude that the plot is still on the starting blocks, but I think you're making progress in how you go about the writing itself. Looking forward to seeing the wheels starting to turn! :)
6/18/2015 c2 Alex
I really liked the first chapter, it's interesting because took a different turn on things.
but the events that took place near the end of this chapter happened so fast. I think the chapter needs to be a little tweaked at best. I'm looking forward to the next chapter though, keep up the good story! (/,/)!
6/15/2015 c1 SuperiorDimwit
And here I was wondering how a kid would turn out if it was raised by Mephisto. It's a fun story angle to take (oh god I can imagine all the frilly princess dresses he made Raven wear when she was little: no wonder she goes for a less cutesy look as a rebellious teen) and I would gladly award him the title Most Embarrassing Dad Ever without even having seen the parent visit days Raven had to suffer through. So I guess the verdict is that I like the idea?

It's hard to say anything of how said idea works out at such an early stage in the story, but what you've done with Raven so far is to copy of Rin, as far as I can tell. The violent behaviour I could understand, if it's a natural reaction to having something as powerful as Satan's flames locked up inside with no outlet. But she has beat up the exact same guy Rin has? And gets her awakening the exact same way Rin did, with the exact same powers? Come on, you're more creative than that!

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