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for The Great Chaos Chase!

9/3/2015 c1 4Plastic Raven
Alright, this is something I meant to get to reading earlier and forgot about, but thank God for my habit of keeping an exorbitant number of browser tabs open, I guess. I'll start off by saying that I like this concept, even without knowing much about Breezie at all besides that she was a one-note AoStH character, Flynn brought her back for Archie, and - business as usual - the Internet's got a hard-on the size of Vermont for her new design. And your writing, to its credit, does a fair amount in the concept's interest: for now, we've got a lot of characters, including some minor ones the reader may not know, being introduced quickly, and as such you don't bother bogging us down with exposition, pretentious dialogue, or a great deal of drama.

However, there's such a thing as too much of a good thing, as every writer worth his salt is keenly aware, and I think you go a bit too far here in the sparseness of your writing. The vast majority of paragraphs here are not only short, but consisting of only one line, usually a simple line uttered by a character, plus a "said" verb drawn from the passed-around hat, and the utterer's name. In some contexts, this one included, that can be better than the alternative of diving so deep into purple prose that the reader's overwhelmed and gives up altogether, but there's nothing wrong with a little variety. It's not always easy, especially given the pressures of hooking a reader with a new story, but for example, you might add a bit of description before some of the lines to give them context and variety - maybe Mighty trembles a bit, rocks back and forth on his feet, blushes, or (if your chosen POV is one that can venture inside his mind) thinks romantic, fluffy thoughts. Some writers (not nice or very good ones, I might add) like to insist that the dialogue should be able to carry 100% of the weight of a story - I think that's balderdash, for the reason that your readers probably do, too.

Dialogue notwithstanding, I don't know what a "Minx" or the Marvelous Queen are - I'm assuming the latter is either a vehicle you've created yourself or a one-off, never-again-mentioned setpiece from one of the parts of '06 I never got around to playing (I wouldn't put that past the developers). Again, there's nothing wrong with erring on the side of explaining things like this - don't go so far as you do early on that you're explicit about an "Archie design" (taking the reader out of the action by referencing actual works is a big no-no), but just taking a bit of our time to mention what the Queen is, what features it boasts, how the characters react to it, any memories they might share of it, what have you, is more helpful than you can imagine. Remember, your job is to get us inside your head to see the grand tale you have there, and it doesn't do any good to assume we're already there.

Anyway, nice use of suspense at the end, and suitable at that for Honey's character. Many writers either get it all wrong or just don't bother.
8/26/2015 c11 Guest
The client's was a big surprised and I like how you gave subtle hints.
8/21/2015 c1 1MonkeyArms
If you're trying to write Sonic and Amy correctly, I'm just going to clarify that you aren't.
8/18/2015 c6 Christian Wolf27
This story is totally interesting but 1 question, who the heck was the client?
8/17/2015 c5 Christian Wolf27
I totally can't wait for the next chapter.
8/12/2015 c4 Christian Wolf27
This is totally getting interesting & i am curious what prize are they trying to win?
8/10/2015 c3 CherryPuffball
Jee, Blaze is sure acting stubborn in this.
8/10/2015 c3 Christian Wolf27
I think that Team Hooligan except Bark is cheating.
8/10/2015 c2 Christian Wolf27
I totally can't wait to see how this goes.
8/4/2015 c1 Christian Wolf27
Who could this fifth team name be called?

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