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5/13/2020 c8 Guest
There is to many ocs I cant tell who's story it is.
2/7/2020 c15 Geezer
Please you have to finish this story
1/5/2020 c15 Geezer
This is such a good story you have to finish it off you can’t just leave a cliff hanger that’s not fair
7/30/2017 c4 TheBurgerSnatcher
I can't tell if this is a comedy or just bad writing. That said, great plot twist, you completely caught me off guard. I thought that the angsty self insert was going to be Videl's adopted sister, and I was prepared to accept her too, but you sure surprised me. The completely random addition of a condescending, self-assured, yet nerdy and shy, badass with an unwarranted powerlevel and ridiculous appearance caught me off guard. I was willing to let Videl's little sister slide, but this Josh character has to be one of the stupidest additions to a fanfic I have ever read. I'm impressed, I can't force myself to read anymore, it's too much.
12/31/2016 c6 5Beta117
This story sounds more like middle school than high school.
12/22/2016 c3 11zfj
Nice story you got...

A few things though. Gohan is a complete jerk... Is he devoid of any happiness or love, even to his brother? Or maybe Trunks? Also, Videl is falling for a badass like Gohan too fast IMO.

I love your interactions with Gohan's "friends". Obviously, I'm only on chapter three, but maybe Bulma... or Piccolo, or someone else can help guide him to soften up a little? I can't imagine him being a jerk the whole story, hah!

Anyways, keep up the good work! It's nice to see some fresh new stories out there. I applaud you as an author taking a few steps out of the ordinary Gohan Videl fics out there.
12/21/2016 c7 guest
terrible, josh ruined the story
12/19/2016 c1 8Kakarot Son
I feel that instead of Cell telling Gohan that he knows Gohan didn't kill him, he should have said something along the lines of "I'm just a wish away from being brought back to life".

You should try and add a few more full stops to your dialogue to avoid creating comma splices. For example, "No you won't, y-you can't, you're dead, I killed you!" could be changed to "No, you won't. Y-You can't. You're dead; I killed you!" That also prevents your dialogue from sounding like one big run-on sentence. In regular prose (i.e. when your characters aren't talking), it lets you set the scene better if you properly punctuate each independent clause because it comes of as rushed otherwise.

Don't tell me that 'Gohan began to get a pain in his head that was unbearable'. Instead describe how a searing pain erupted inside his temple. This ties in with utilising an active voice instead of a passive voice; don't tell me what's going on, show me.

Nightmare Goku's dialogue wasn't very well written imo. He swore a bit and insulted Gohan for being a halfbreed before finally getting into how Gohan let him die while that should have been the focal point of his appearance. You could have even preyed on Gohan's fears and had Goku tell him how much of a disappointment he is or something. I feel it would have been more interesting if you tried to keep him somewhat in character so that his words would cut a little deeper.

Where did the foul language from Gohan and Chi Chi come from? I'm not against it but I feel that its origins need to be better explained. Maybe Goku's death has been hard on Chi Chi so she's developed a bit of a potty mouth which Gohan picked up on? As it stands, it feels pretty out of place on Gohan (although you wouldn't bat an eye if Vegeta swore).

Don't forget to include question marks during your dialogue. If your character says something that could be interpreted as a question, I'd recommend using one.

I like the little touch with Videl declaring Gohan/the Gold Fighter a vigilante. It could lead to something interesting in the future.

Overall, this first chapter wasn't bad but is in need of some fine tuning. I think my biggest issue with it is Gohan's characterisation because it seems to have fallen down the path of your stereotypical angsty teen. Now that's fine and all but it would be interesting to see how he got there. I'd also tone down the random swearing and random bouts of angst where possible to smooth his character out a little. I'd also like to reiterate that I've tried to be as constructive as possible. This is not a flame.

You've got a pretty solid grip on Videl's character and I hope to see you develop that a little more in the next couple of chapters.
12/19/2016 c15 1One Eyed King Kaneki Uchiha
amazing chapter that was awesome.
12/19/2016 c15 10xconversegirl99x
I would have read this way earlier, but i had to drive myself to school in -20 degree weather. Besides that, holy crap i missed this story. I love how brave Gohan is and is okay with sacrificing himself. I think the reinforcement is Vegeta, but im not for sure. Good update!
12/19/2016 c15 PMAC
Love it! Love it! Love it! I think it's perfect! I wouldn't change a thing. ~A Secret Admirer
12/19/2016 c15 3WiffleDick678
Ah you dirty bastard, you'd better update soon. And for the future poll, add one to both.
12/19/2016 c15 Aaron Leach
Awesome chapter.
9/27/2016 c14 Gokuu the Carrot
Hey I like this and can't wait till you make the other chapters, please I hope this update schedule is quick.!
9/17/2016 c14 3Fanficlover175
Please update its been a month
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